P90X Day 5

So< today i got on the scale and ive lost 3 lbs and in the mirror, Im already starting to see results. :) Im really excited about this and cant wait to see what else my body is going to do...

Today was legs and back and over all, even though I had to keep stopping because of my children interrupting me every 5 minutes and blowing my focus, it was.......ok. If you have trouble with balance, this particular disk will be hard. I have some balance issues and had to use a chair to maintain the balance and prevent from falling over...I may not have gotten the same results as if i was doing it with out the chair but, i still felt the "burn"...

I bought whey protein yesterday in strawberry and i have to say its not all that bad. a little on the watery side but ill get used to it. It has 52 g of protein per 2 scoops and only 280 calories so i can use that for a meal instead of trying to rummage through my cabinets or fridge to eat for that meal...Im kinda getting sick of eating salads, apple and fruit bars for every meal...lol...

On top of the P90X I'm doing, Im throwing in Jillain Michael's 30 day shred to supplement at night sometimes....Especially if i eat pretty crappy during the day and wanna burn off a few more calories.

I purchased a heart rate monitor yesterday as well and LOVE this thing...I sat here yesterday with the calories burn counter going for roughly about an hour and i burned 200 calories JUST sitting here....Now, I did take the trash out, sweep the floors in my kitchen and bring the recycling bin downstairs but that only burned about 20 calories...surprisingly. The way this thing works is it works with your heartbeat. You program your age and your sex and it goes from there...it even has a little button you can press to see what your heart rate is randomly, which i love because i have irregularities and palpitations at times and with that feature I can check to see what my HR is...LOVE it!

Day three - P90X

Shoulders and arms

So, today I did shoulders and arms on p90x and i was able to get through the whole thing with no troubles...i looked at my arms in the mirror and totally can already see a difference. Theres definition in my muscles that there wasnt really before and Im stoked...If im already seeing progress three days in, i cant imagine what I am going to look like on day 30, or even 60 and i definitely cant wait until Day 90 which is in October. Im wicked stoked now...I know i was kinda bitchy before about this but after i retried cardio x last night and nailed it, i got re-excited about this. I really cant wait to see results. :)

P90X - a brand new lifestyle

So, since March I have been on this healthy lifestyle kick when i looked in the mirror and suddenly realized that i had gotten heavy...the typical "newlywed weight" that ya put on after you get married....So, i joined a gym, worked with a personal trainer for a while and got on the fitness track....ive lost 4 inches off my waist and bust line and have shed 15-18 pounds (depending on the time of the month it is) and needed something else....something MORE....

I kept hearing about this thing called P90X....about the results, about how good it was and all that...So, i caved and bought it. i couldn't wait to get it....i've done the first two disks a few times because i would get started and then something would distract me or what-have-you...Plus, i needed a couple of things for the work outs...a pull up bar ( which i already had) and some resistance bands for disk three...I finally got those yesterday and restarted it today...I am really determined to make this work...

In addition to the P90X I am going to be doing Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred on top of the P90X...I am going to NJ next week to visit my dad and a few other people and I want to be BIKINI READY....i want to at least LOOK like Im on my way to having a slammin body...

These are my before shots:



And here are my measurements:

Upper Arm - 11 inches
Bust - 32 inches (Im satisfied with this measurement as its what I was when I was in high school)
Waist 30.5 inches (GOAL - 26")
Hips - 36 inches (GOAL - 32")
thighs 19 inches

I don't know my weight at the moment because its that time of the month and I don't go anywhere NEAR a scale right now. But, I will weigh myself at the end of the week, right before I go to NJ and I will update you.


I want to lose another 20 pounds or so...I want skin so tight it looks like it was painted onto my body...And with the muscle I plan on gaining from all the working out and toning, I more then plan on it looking like that by the end of the summer...

Im probably going to need a new wardrobe by Christmas.

Can't wait!

What am I supposed to think?

Why does it hurt so much? What is this pain that I feel so tight in my chest?
Can I, Will I ever trust you again? Why do I have to continually hide the pain that you caused, acting like it doesn't bother me that you stole my heart then trashed it over and over again and I know people around me know the truth...To know that my heart and soul will continue to hide the bitter pain that you caused and will continue to push people away that want to get close to me because I fear they'll hurt me and break my heart/trust again...and all the possible feelings that I feel or will feel for someone, friend or otherwise, cant come to surface because of what YOU DID to me.... People think Im this strong woman when all i wanna do is really curl up and cry for the pain you caused...for the fact that I will NEVER trust another living soul because of the trust you continually broke over and over and over and over again....

You swear that you love me, and you swear that you want to work through things and you talk pretty words but in my heart and mind i cant trust you enough to let you back in...if ever...i don't know where I stand right now...which way is up, which way is down...I know that I cant trust you, no matter how hard you try....thinking thinking thinking...that's all i do and over and over and over it goes back to HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME, HOW MUCH you destroyed every little iota of adoration, love, admiration and respect that i actually had for you....all the changes i made for you, all the sacrifices and compromises.......and you took advantage of me...you emotionally and mentally abused me, withheld your emotions, intimacies, physicality and love...that's not what a husband does...not a newlywed husband...notta husband who's been married 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, 50 years, not even 500 years...it was cruel....and inhumane......I gave you my love, unwaveringly, i gave you my already wounded heart after loosing the ONE person in my life who ACTUALLY GOT me....and, you stepped all over it...i gave you my trust when i couldn't trust anybody and you broke it continually over and over again...i supported you in everything you did, encouraged you, took care of you and all you ever wanted to do was act like i didn't exist...all i wanted from you was love, the same kind of love that i felt for you....the same kind of respect and adoration and appreciation that i had for you.......the love that you promised me over and over and over again but continually held ever so slightly just beyond my reach...

When I lost Cameron, you were there to pick up the pieces but you did exactly what everyone else in my life has done....you left....I may have kicked you out physically but you left and checked out of this relationship a LONG time ago....and now that you realize what you lost, NOW you want to work through things? You left, Cameron left, my mother pushed me away....maybe this was what i was born for...i have tried SO HARD not to become like her but it seems that the bitterness she had, the coldness that she had is starting to creep into my chest and body...Im numb and i cant feel anymore because of all the pain and suffering Ive had to deal with over the last 33 years of my life....

My mother didn't even want me...she was forced to have me....hated me because i was a constant reminder of a "man she hated" because i look just like him....I was a constant reminder of her childhood being taken away...did I ask to be born? no....hell, she even had an IUD and she STILL got pregnant with me...I know she would have aborted me..she never wanted me....and to this day i honestly believe that nobody really wants me...including you....you honestly just want, what was it that you said?? Oh yea, something to the affect of "ready made pussy"...THAT was classy, Ill tell ya...

I'm torn because we have only been married for a year. But, you've caused me so much pain that i cant physically feel anything. I'm hurt, in pain, numb........the love that i had for you has all but dwindled except for a single tear drop that falls on occasion....I want a divorce but then in the next breath, i'm scared to death because the dating world is a scary place and i don't want to go through the motions...but, im scared that if i let you back, if i let you back in, which, right now, my heart is WAY to broken to even consider it, ill feel like I'm settling because I'm afraid of the dating world...and im afraid that youll just break my heart again, over and over and over...........

Why am I writing this? well, because, i need to. I need to get it ALL out. In the open, clear, honest, brutal.....the fighting, the lying....the truth has GOT to come out....i never lied to you to impress you about ANYTHING in my life....i feel like your toxic...i feel like if i let you back in, you're going to pull me down and drown me with your poison....I really wish that i knew another way to feel or how to say what i feel but i don't. my heart is bleeding because you pushed a dagger through it so many times it cant heal itself.

Trying to find myself again....

As I'm coming out of the trenches of a long emotionally abusive hurtful relationship, I'm slowly starting to find myself again...I'm becoming stronger, more confident and am happy with the ME that I am becoming again......HOWEVER.....there's a *FEW* little things weighing heavy on my mind....

Alot of you don't realize whats going on with Dave aside from the little that I have told everyone....and in this blog i describe a little of whats been going on, whats on my mind and whats going on in my redheaded brain of mine.....

1st and foremost - Love.....wow, where do I start with this??? I want a love that was similar to the one that I had with Cameron. Sure, I loved Dave but it wasn't with the same passion....not the same kind of feeling....until he went to BCT and was gone for 11 weeks...i finally started feeling it.......but, then he came home and destroyed it. Every ounce of feeling, of adoration, of pride, of passion and love that had grown inside me during the 11 weeks he was gone was destroyed within a few months time.....The hurt, betrayal and mistrust that I am going through trying to heal my heart is devastating and I really don't know if it can be repaired. I want so desperately to be able to trust people enough to open my heart to TRULY love and BE loved like what i had with Cameron..........Now, don't get me wrong....i KNOW that NOTHING will replace what me and Cameron had...What we had was amazing....blissful....HAPPY....loving....soul mates....there's just NOTHING that can replace it....he was my best friend in the whole world...my lover, my friend, the father of my children....Yes, we may have had our screaming matches, but, just like every couple, that's normal...it was the fire in us both that made us fight like that...........BUT.......we ALWAYS made up with the SAME fire that was in us when we were fighting....there was passion and bliss....and I was undeniably the happiest i have EVER been in my life.......

To find that or have that again would be amazing...blissful even, but, for me to ask for that again from The Gods and Goddesses again???? I feel that would be greedy of me because that love could be for someone else who hasn't HAD it before...Am I saying that I'm not worthy of a love like that again? No, I'm not...I KNOW I'm worthy without a shadow of a doubt...But, sometimes, when i look in the mirror, I wonder..."why would i want to take that love away from someone else who hasn't HAD a love like what me and Cameron shared? I wouldnt...." so I feel like I settle for anything but terrific because I DON'T want to be greedy...Is that strange?

I know I am a fantastic catch but honestly, because of loosing Cameron and then what Dave did to me.........Im SO SCARED....I am honestly truly scared out of my ever loving mind to even think about letting down that guard, opening my heart again for fear of being hurt like that again...


The Second thing weighing heavily on my mind is Trust....I cant trust anybody to not hurt me, to not want to take advantage of me in some way shape or form. Since Cameron passed away, Ive had so MANY people do that to me and honestly, in my eyes, Dave was the last...I honestly cant trust anyone....though Im working on it, its tough. REAL tough....I think that anyone interested in me JUST wants to get into my pants and that be that....and for me, in MY opinion, if you start trying to talk about anything remotely sexual RIGHT from the jump, i think that you cant keep your mind on getting to know ME..........the REAL me....I mean I know that we are all adults and sex IS a LARGE part of adulthood...However........IT IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be the FIRST thing a man and a woman discuss when they either A) first meet (unless its going to be a one night stand thing, OF WHICH, I DONT DO) or B)are on their first date or C) the relationship isnt going to pan out to much more then one or two dates before it fizzles...

I think anyone interested in me wont like/eventually love the REAL me...the me that gets up in the morning and wants NOTHING to do with anyone (except my girls) for at LEAST 45 minutes....the me that wears sweats most of the time (though, since my body change, that's been changing and i've actually been getting DRESSED)...the me that is crabby and angry and moody the week before the period rears its ugly head....the OCD me....The ADHD ULTRA HYPER for NO reason me.........the goof ball me........I cant trust that they really want to get to know the REAL me....and though I DO have people that I KNOW would LOVE to, i cant open my heart and mind to them SIMPLY for the fact of I DONT WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN and i CANT trust them...

And the last thing.........Forgiveness....As previously mentioned, I have been hurt by ALOT of people in the past and I am just going to remain silent on who's who in that equation, however, it has come to my attention (on my own) that in order to TRULY be able to trust the people in the future...........i need to forgive the people in the PAST that have hurt me......And, i am working on it. But, its tough. Will i FORGET the pain they caused me? Nope, more then likely NO. Will i forgive them? well, the jury's still deliberating on that. However....this does NOT mean that I will let these people back into my life to hurt me again. or deceive me again....

This is where I was talking about earlier when I mentioned that I'm becoming much stronger, and more confident...As my muscles grow with strength, so does my mind...i may be timid in some areas, but I am STRONG in others.

As Eminem's Song "Not Afraid" says in the one line "Im NOT AFRAID, To Take a Stand, Everybody, Come Take my hand...."

And Im not........I am taking a stand against being mistreated, hurt or abused anymore.

so much is going on

So, since we moved life has been a bit on the chaotic side -

we moved

kim and her kids moved out so there was an adjustment period there after going from the 5 of us to the 9 of us then moving then going right back to the 5 of us again...

getting lilia on a daily school schedule and keeping her to it

finding a job - working for three weeks then ultimately leaving that job because i felt COMPLETELY irrevocably uncomfortable with the way things were run there (imma bartender)

job hunting, going on interview after interview...

keeping up with the house, the kids, and all thats in between...

ive been working out and on 1270(ish) calorie diet and an extreme workout regimen that includes going to the gym and jillian michaels' 30 day shred...ive lost 15 pounds so far. I feel great!

other then that, pretty much everything else is normal....except the fact that we're fighting again........badly...i cant keep up appearances for the sake of looking and sit here acting like everything's peachy. its not. i told dave yesterday that i want a separation...i cant take the fighting, the bickering, the arguing, the "at-each-others-throats" feelings...its just not kosher with me. it doesn't sit right. I cant handle it. So, i told him.

i feel oddly calm but slightly nervous...this will make us, or, break us...we'll see.

Hes going to try to go to Kentucky. he has a friend down there whos family owns a mine. i told him to be careful...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD...

EVERY WOMAN...

Every woman should…..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… where to go… be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming inn in the woods… when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…


On a personal note...It takes a real man to be able to be with a real woman...and vice versa...there is a serious lack of both.