writing everyday for a year...

So, I made a new years resolution yesterday about writing about something every single day for a solid year to get my creative juices flowing a bit...Todays topic will be doing away with people in my life that have stifled me...

Until recently, I was living with my late husbands family with my girls. They are hardcore devout Christians and massively vanilla.

In my late husbands and i's marriage, they tried to control everything about it, and he let them. We were under their thumb like crazy crazy...Theyd call and hed come running...Theyd say "do it THIS way", and hed do it....Even down to us having kids...They were NEVER happy for us, and even made him get a paternity test for my middle child because they for SURE that i was a whore and got pregnant by someone else and was pinning it on him (it turned out his OF COURSE...)

Staying with them for 2 months was hell. I was constantly feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells and be careful about what I said, who I was, who I was talking to and all that. They were constantly in my business and it drove me crazy....The day after i moved in, I got up early to go get my best friend to help me move stuff out of the uhaul into the storage unit i had rented...I had barely started my car and was pulling out the driveway when my sister in law called me from her bedroom saying "where ya going?"

REALLY????

After I found out that my mother in law put her hands on my child and SHOOK her while I was at work one day, I snapped....It happened on a Sunday and I was out of there on Wednesday, staying with my owners mother until the friend Im currently living with felt better (she had been ill)...

The way they treated my girls was abhorable. Yelling and screaming at them for the slightest things...taking things away like crayons and playdough and anything creative they played with...Ive always raised my girls to be creative and free spirited and open...There, we were stifled and they constantly screamed at them.

On one occasion, my sister in law (ill call her Bitch from here on out), came home from being out somewhere...My girls had been outside happily playing in mud puddles....They hadn't made any messes and were careful at my insistence, not to track mud through the house if they came in...

My father in law was aware of what they were doing and I was sitting right there, watching, listening, paying attention to what my girls were doing...

She was standing in the kitchen doing something and she looks out the window. She runs to the door, FLINGS it open and SCREAMS at them "GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT MUD!!!"

I told her that they had BEEN playing in it all day and she flips out saying "mom doesn't want mud in the house!" (when in all actuality, I do believe that it was HER that didn't want mud tracked through the house because she's OCD and controlling)

I told her that they had been fine playing out there all day and that they hadn't tracked mud in the house at all, and then i said "And, you REALLY need to stop screaming at my kids all the time", to which she had replied "its MY house, ill scream at them all i want."

Now, let me say that this was HER PARENTS house. She has NEVER lived on her own......EVER.... she's 28. She has a BEDROOM.

She replied "well, actually, I pay RENT so it IS my house..."

To which I said "This is your parents house....you may pay rent but you have a fuckin BEDROOM, not the entire house." (and guarantee that she pays very VERY minimal rent...and this was the FIRST shed mentioned EVER having to pay rent...which i think was a lie.)

Shes an idiot but its prime example of how they are...She and my mother in law even tried dictating where I get a job at...even going so far as to tell me that my sister in laws boss said that hed give me a job, like I couldn't or didn't have the ability to get a job on my own.

After the shaking incident, I decided that I just couldn't handle the way the entire family was...Controlling, obsessive, in your business....I can handle it if my OWNER is that way, but overall, im a free spirit who's used to coming and going as I please, not answering to anyone...

After moving out, i cut all ties with them. Blocking them from calling me (i have a block feature on my cell), deleting and blocking them off my girls' facebook that I had originally made for them while we were in Rhode Island so that their family (the inlaws) could see how they were doing...

And I honestly have to say that in the 10+ years that ive known them, I feel SO peaceful and happy and am able to finally be myself again...Even my middle daughter Holli said to me on New Years Eve, "mommy, Im SO much happier here then I was at Mom Mom's...We aren't getting orders barked at us or yelled at anymore." They are able to be themselves here and so am I.

Im so so happy relieved and glad that I FINALLY did what my owner said 6 years ago to do...Cut ties.

Moving home...

So, after many a tumultuous year here in Rhode Island, I decided rather quickly to move back home...2 weeks ago. I figured out that I was beyond lonely and needed help that I no longer had here...

When Dave left and we subsequently divorced, I figured out that Rhode Island wasn't where I belonged anymore...And I managed to stick it out for 16 months since kicking Dave out and Ive reached my limit rather quickly a few weeks ago...The noise, the pollution, the traffic, the crime, the sirens, the STUPID STUPID laws...Just cant handle it...I want peace and quiet and relaxation...Most if not all the neighborhoods in South Jersey ARE quiet and will give me that peace.

And here it is, October 18th and in 24 hours I will be loading up the U-haul with the family and friends that are coming up to help me and hopefully, leaving as early on saturday morning as possible to avoid traffic...

I am definitely looking forward to a new life in NJ...my home state...I cant wait to feel my feet on the soil...feel the air in my lungs...be close to my real friends and family here...And, close to Camerons grave...Not so much for me, but for my girls...

Yes, of course there have been times that I wished I could go and lay on his grave like I used to when I was down, but behind 300 miles away from it, made it a little difficult, but mostly I want to be able to bring the girls to his grave to honor him as much as possible and its incredibly hard to do that from here...

I look forward to moving back to be with my family, to be with my friends...to be amoungst my "people"...noone truly understands the jersey attitude unless youre from there...And frankly, RI is *nothing* like NJ...

I miss WAWA and Wildwood and the malls and the food and everything like that...I miss Heritages dairy stores and their UNBELIEVABLE sandwiches...I miss the quietness of the country...This city living has gotten to me and I crave quiet...peacefulness and no LOUD LOUD mexican mariachi music on a sunday morning at 9 am when people should have common courtesy for their neighbors who are sleeping...

Thats something else that most people up here dont seem to have...Common Courtesy...I live in a three unit building...Im quiet and respectful to others around me because I was raised to be...Most of my life ive spent living in apartments so I was raised to be quiet and have courtesy...

Like the neighbors I mentioned blaring their music on Sunday mornings, most people here are like that....When driving, people cut you off with no hesitation...when youre trying to get onto a highway, they dont move so that you can merge safely onto said highway...

There are so many many other examples but for the moment, the previously mentioned ones are the ones that bug me the most...

So, here it is....everything is packed...Im done cleaning everything...and im just waiting for everyone to get here...

I cant wait and im beyond excited to be going home...

Being a mom...

All my life I wanted to be a Mom...When I started trying to get pregnant, all I knew was that having sex without birth control would get me that way and thats all that I cared about.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 18, I didnt even realize that the symptoms I had been having werent, in fact, the FLU, but it was morning sickness...BAD.

For a while, Id wake up with my husband, help him get ready for work and as he left, curl up and go back to sleep because Id be SO tired but I thought it was just because I was sick...

Id wake up SPRINTING to the bathroom to HURL anything that I had eaten while I was helping my husband get ready for work and I just couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with me...There was a time that me and my husband went to Subway to eat...I walked into the place and almost hurled right there because of the smell in there. I couldnt handle it.

We left and went somewhere else.

I had skipped my periods but didnt really dawn on me because from the day that I started *GETTING* my period, I had always been massively irregular. But, something told me to walk to CVS and grab a test...Within SECONDS of taking the test, the little pink "+" sign showed up. I was shocked....And had no idea how far along I was because I didnt even really remember when my last period had been before that.

Whats funny is that the moment I found out that i was pregnant, I stopped having the morning sickness...the nausea...the sore tits. Mind boggling.

I dont really remember going to my first doctors appt. I dont remember finding out how far along I was, but I remember going to my first ultrasound and seeing the baby...I was 12 weeks along......I had no idea what that meant.

Around 26 weeks I started having contractions and ended up in and out of the hospital several times before delivering my daughter at 31 weeks on October 30th, 1995 @ 2:50 in the afternoon. She weighed a teeny 4 lbs 5 ounces and was barely 16 inches long.

While I was going through all of that, alls I kept hearing was all this information about complications...issues that the baby might have if she were born this early...birth defects...long term health issues that could arise...I willed her to stay in longer...Prayed that shed be healthy. And she was.

I have been told that had I gone full term with her, she would have been HUGE.

I had no clue about breastfeeding and really didn't have the chance to do it because she was in the NICU for one day shy of 3 weeks and I wasn't able to see her everyday because she was in a hospital 2 hours away from us.

When she came home, it was a wonderful day. I had pretty much given up on breastfeeding at this point.

With my son, I knew a little bit more because prior to getting pregnant with him, the internet had just arrived...AOL was the newest thing...I researched the FUCK out of EVERYTHING....how to get pregnant...how to stay pregnant....how to get pregnant with a boy...(my husband now had, in addition to my daughter, three other daughters and he wanted a boy)...and all kinds of other things...

We got pregnant again before I got pregnant with my son, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and had to have a D&E to remove the "products of conception" because the baby had died inside me and my body wasnt discarding it like it should have.

I was devastated. Heartbroken...literally so sad that I could barely go to see one of my best friends in the hospital when she had her son because she had him right around the time that I would have been due...But I went anyway...

6 months later, on Valentines day, we got pregnant with my son, who just turned 13. The pregnancy I had with him was a little different but not by much.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely by surprise. I called my husband at work and told him that I was frustrated that I hadnt gotten my period yet (thinking that my periods had gone back to being irregular because we had been trying to get pregnant and couldnt if i wasnt getting my period)...He told me to call the doctor to get Provera to jump start my periods like I had before, before saying that I should go get a test to make sure I wasnt pregnant.

I told him that I really didnt think that I was pregnant but Id go to the store and get one anyway.

I went home, put my daughter down for a nap, and took the test...Again, within seconds, as I was putting the drops into the test, it was showing positive...

I was excited but scared out of my WITS because of what had happened with the previous pregnancy. I called my husband and then my doctor to set up an appt to come in immediately since I wanted to make sure the baby was ok...

I found out I was only 4 weeks along and was due November 3rd, 1999. The pregnancy was a breeze pretty much, with the exception of being tired and hot. (I was pregnant through the summer).

The pregnancy was going fine until I was about 28 weeks. I was staying with my mother at the time because, as usual, my husband was in jail....AGAIN. I went to her doorway of her room and said that I thought i might be in labor and she told me to call my doc, after asking how far along i was. (WTF?! she should have known that!)

My doctor told me to come in and when i got to the hospital, they checked me and found that i was 4 cms dilated.

That was the beginning of weeks of bedrest in the hospital...mag sulfate treatments...breathene shots...painful hip issues...physical therapy because I was on bedrest unable to get up...lots and lots o tests and ultrasounds...all the while listening to my mother scream at me on the other end of the phone because she had to take care of my daughter while I was dealing with everything. She kept asking me when they were going to let me come home.

It was a mess.

I had him at 36 weeks, in October 1999. Almost exactly 4 yrs to the day after having my oldest daughter.

Breastfeeding with my son would have gone REALLY well if I had had support, encouragement and help. But, I didn't. My mother was against breastfeeding. Thought it was disgusting and stupid...So, I caved and went to formula after a few weeks because I couldn't handle the berating and insults anymore.

In May of 2001, I found out that I was pregnant again by accident. It was a really bad time to have gotten pregnant because I had just filed for divorce from my oldest twos father and was in a bad place in my life...It was scary and I was in shock because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant again...at least not at that time. My now EX husband was not the father and I was super freaked out and scared...I had switched birth control pills because I had been bleeding for a solid month and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My doctor put me on a different birth control but something happened and I got pregnant.

However scared I was, the pregnancy was beautiful...No issues, no morning sickness, no sore breasts, nothing. I sailed through the pregnancy like a dream...Until i started going into labor at 24 weeks. Thats when they put me on this medication called Procardia and it was the MOST fantastic thing in the world because it stopped EVERY stitch of preterm labor...I had to take it every 3 hours and make sure to drink lots of water.

I made it to 35/37 weeks (depending on who you ask...*I* thought that because a previous doctor told me I was 2 weeks later then the docs I was seeing at the time, I said i was 37, *THEY* said I was 35...but, eh, whatevs.) with her. She was born in December of 2002.

She really is a beautiful miracle and I thank the Goddess every single day for her because getting pregnant with her woke me up and got me out of a really shitty situation.

She ended up having GERD so breastfeeding her was a pain in the behind but I was still able to pump and put my breast milk in with her formula.

9 months later I got pregnant with Holli. My pregnancy with her was fantastic, aside from a couple of early scares. At 6 weeks, I had started to bleed and thought i was having another miscarriage and told Cameron (my second husband)...He rushed me to the hospital....Turns out that the baby was fine...Good strong little heartbeat. My placenta had a little blood bubble behind it and thats where the blood was coming from...

After that, I called my family practitioner and told him that I was pregnant again and wanted to be put back on the Procardia to avoid any preterm complications. I knew I had time because my body would try to start going into labor between 27-28 weeks pregnant. I wanted to get a jump start.

She was born in June 2004 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was my biggest and the furthest Id made it with very very few complications.

My youngest child, was conceived when Holli was exactly 1 yr old. I found out on July 4th, 2005 that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed but scared because Cameron kept saying that we couldnt afford another baby although we werent exactly trying to prevent a pregnancy if it happened.

The pregnancy up until I was 28 weeks along was awesome. NO morning sickness...No pain...No sore tits. I adored being pregnant with her. Was really energetic, happy, overjoyed...

Until that December when we lost Cameron from a car accident.

After that I really dont remember much as far as the pregnancy because I was in SUCH a deep deep mourning that I just kinda blurred everything in my life.

Julia was born February 21, 2006 after 37 weeks 6 days of pregnancy. The labor was awful, painful and I almost died.

She wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding and I was in such a depression and mourning from having lost Cameron that it didnt matter to me. Formula was fine and easier...

It didnt stop me from bonding incredibly hard with her. Shes my little hip attachment and will just sit or snuggle with me for hours on end..will come in and give me lots and lots of kisses for no reason...I call her "my last gift from Cameron"...

Being a mom is the most amazing thing to me and I live for my children. When Cameron died, I wanted to die too and would have. With the exception of the fact that one day I was sitting at his grave, telling him I didnt know how I was going to live without him. And how I wanted to die too so that I could be with him.

Clear as a bell I heard his voice say to me "Dont you dare. You have our girls to think about. You have THEM to live for..."

And I have been living for them ever since. WIthout them I honestly dont know where Id be. They are my world, my air, my everything. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I wouldnt trade it for anything EVER. If anything ever happened to my kids, I honestly dont think that i could go on. It would kill me and Id fail to function as a human being.

Creativity in my World...

Speaking with someone earlier today through email, he responds to something I had said previously in an email to him. He said:

"Absofreakinglutely is not a word."

To which I responded "It is in *MY* world."

And it got me to thinking. In my world, there are tons of words and situations that I have created and live in, both on my own or with friends that I use on a continual basis.

Awesometastic and Fantabulous are two of the words I use the most...

In my world, there are times when I just want to squish my cat (which just means to lay and snuggle him and feel his fur on my face and in between my fingertips. He lets me do it because he has been in my world since the day he was born and is used to being handled and touched and cuddled.),

In my world, there are times that I just want to listen to music and dance and sing around my living room, pretending Im the rock star on stage that Ive always wanted to be...

In my world, there are times that Im quiet, when I just want to sit on my couch, watch Law and Order:SVU on netflix and knit...There are times, where I get a spurt of excessive energy and I get the girls ready and bolt out the door to do something spontaneous like going to Newport to walk Cliff walk or go apple picking, or go to the craft store to get craft stuff to make things, or go to the beach and just watch the ocean and listen to the waves...I have many many aspects to myself.

In my world, there are times that I just feel like doing my hair and make up for no reason but still stay in sweats and dont go anywhere. There are times that I also get dressed up just because I want to.

I take pictures like crazy and sometimes like to do shoots of myself, just so that when Im old and decrepit, I can look back and say "DAYUM, I was a hottie." In addition to if something were to ever happen to me, my girls will have a shit ton of pictures to look at and remember me, like we have of their Daddy.

I love to write...Blogs, poetry and the like...When Im writing, the girls know to be quiet and not disturb me. They know that its important to me and know that I use it to express myself. Its the same way with painting and cooking too. Its cathartic to me, relaxing, almost meditative and therapeutic.

Mostly, Im a homebody. I stay home, relaxing, chilling around the house. Unless the girls aren't here. Then I usually am out and about, whether its getting my nails done or treating myself to Sushi or a little mexican place called Cilantro (MY meal alone is at LEAST $11 when I go so its a little to expensive to bring the girls, so its something I only go to when they're not here) But its not often. Even when they aren't here, I sit around the house. Just relaxing and listening to the silence.

Ive found that as I age, Im past the "partying" stage of life. Sure, Ill go out to karaoke or even to Mardi Gras (a club here in Rhode Island) but normally, Im leaving by midnight, coming home, getting out of my "party clothes" and just sitting in front of my computer...I guess mainly because Id rather deal with people on the internet, then being hit on, grabbed, groped and pawed at when I go out.

Ive realized that I have a personal space that when others touch me, I cringe or move. Unless I know you and am close to you, DONT TOUCH ME.

I was at work a couple of weeks ago. A coworker and I got into it. My boss came up and was trying to get us to make up....We did but then he forced us into a hug...I was like "oh, oh, personal space invaded!"

I felt really awkward.

In my world, Im a complicated, never know what you're going to get kinda chick.

I say chick and dude and groovy. I make up words because I can. Im a home body, a somewhat party girl when the girls aren't home...A quiet, rambunctious, moody, DONT-touch-me-unless-i-know-you kinda girl...I love Halloween and sometimes I feel like a little kid playing with my mothers make up. Sometimes I dont feel like a grown up and feel like any moment, my mother will walk in and say to go to bed or school or whatever...

Thats just a little bit of what my world is like.

True People and being honest

So, recently I was speaking with someone for a few weeks. Long enough to start exchanging personal information about ourselves...Not things like our social security numbers or where we live and work, but, things like last names and birthdays.

I freely gave him my info (my first and last name and my bday) and asked for his...and he wouldn't tell me without me basically bugging him and saying that the whole point of talking and "getting to know each other" was to learn about each other....he FINALLY (begrudgingly I might add) gave me his last name...after saying that he had "friends in IT and was paranoid"....TWO HUGE red flags....I still dont know his birthday...

So, I blocked him.

I would understand if it was 2 days into our convo I was bugging him about this info, but i wasn't. It was a casual question...He should have known me well enough that I wasn't going to try to stalk him or find his Facebook or google him at this time. Maybe if he had asked ME if we wanted to exchange facebooks, I would have, but he didn't, so I dont go looking for people on my own.

What I dont understand is, the whole point of talking and getting to know someone to turn it into a relationship, WHATEVER kind it happens to be, you should know the basic info about them.

The thing that made me shake my head was the fact that he didn't even live here in New England...he lives in the south. (im not going to divulge..) and would only tell me limited stuff about himself, and its only if i pretty much begged him to...

Sorry, that just throws up red red flags.

Then when I blocked him, he made up another name to email me, asking why I blocked him...

Buddy, if you gotta ask, you're as thick as my pillows on my new couch.

At what point, in any kind of relationship, do you ask for that simple, basic information?

When I was with all of my other serious relationships, regardless of what kind of relationship it was, I knew that info pretty early on. So whats the big deal?

When do YOU think is a good time to exchange BASIC info about yourself with someone?

Im not talking about deep dark secrets from your past...the kind of things you only talk about once you've established that trust that someones not going to hurt you...but, the simple basic first name/last name/birthday/whats-your-favorite-food/color/thing to drink kind of stuff.

WHat do you think?

Why am I still single???

Thats a question Ive gotten a lot here lately...ALOT.....Frankly, I dont know why. Its not for not trying...Maybe its because Im scared...Scared that they'll do to me what most of the people in my life have done....Bail....Whenever i start getting "close" to someone, and actually start letting myself *like* someone, which is REALLY rare and hard for me to do, and they bail, then I disconnect from people more and more....Scared that once Im in a relationship with them, they'll do to me what my ex did...or, die like my late husband did.


I do try...But i find sometimes that when Im talking to someone and they start saying things that I dont like or whatever, even just the *slightest* thing...I just....disconnect...I push them away intentionally, stop responding...for the reasons I stated...I know its me, because of my fear.


...maybe its because Im picky...I have a pretty good idea of what kind of guy I like...And looking for...and if Im not attracted to them....if I dont feel SOME kind of connection....chemically or energy wise....Then, I dont connect like I feel maybe I should....maybe its because I havent had the right connection with someone....again, distance makes a huge difference.


I do kinda have attachment issues...though not like you'd think...Most people that have attachment issues, its usually the other way around...they get to attached TO easily...its REALLY not easy for me to. Because Ive been hurt SO SO much and bailed on, and dropped...for reasons I know, and for reasons I dont...Ive had friends end their friendships for NO reason...without telling me why...Ive had guys do the same thing...My mother even disappeared and hates me for reasons I cant undersand...So, i dont get attached easily...I CANT.


There've been a few times recently that I *THOUGHT* something was gonna happen with someone...and LET myself like them...let myself trust them...Then they either bail or they turn out to not be a match for me...for one reason or another....


I also cant seem to find anyone who'll make me WANT to attach to them...trust them...bond and connect with them...I do admit that i have come control issues...I cant let go and let someone else IN....I havent met anyone yet, aside from one gentleman last summer, who I was completely ready to move to ARIZONA to be with him....and he disappeared...and BLOCKED me...and refused to answer emails, phone calls or texts...So again, the attachment ability that most people have, I DONT...and I think it makes it hard to trust, bond, connect etc with them...when I want to...Trust also has a lot to do with it...

It doesn't help that a lot of the gentlemen Ive spoken with are long distance...or, in general, the guys here in Rhode Island just plain SUCK....horribly bad...theyre either douchebags, players, drug addicts, live at home with Mommy and Daddy, dont know how to be a gentleman, are married and want a girl on the side, are divorced and have bitter animosity towards whatever the reason may be, whether its their exes or baby mama's, alcoholics, are too young, not my type, or dont know HOW to ACTUALLY "date"...So, until I move to where ever it is that I will end up, I wont date here.....EVER.

And as Ive mentioned in a past journal, long distance things dont work for me because the NEED to feel someones energy and chemistry is really important to me. If i cant feel that, I cant bond with them.

So, I guess thats why Im still single...

My sexual discovery of self love and orgasms during sex

I was watching a program tonight about sex and FSD in women. (Female Sexual Dysfunction) and I listening to the womens stories on there, I got to thinking...how did I come about in my sexual proclivities, fetishes, likes, kinks and the way I've discovered things about myself...??? Where did I learn about orgasms, self loving and sex and every other aspect of the sexual side of myself??

Growing up, my mother didn't teach me shit. I had to learn it ALL on my own by trial and error...While I was watching this program, I thought to myself that I really couldn't be sure if pleasuring yourself is something you learn from someone, or, something you learn on your own. I honestly dont remember HOW I figured out that touching myself down in the girly parts would make me feel good, I just know that it did.

I cant explain how I used to self love myself. Its kind of difficult to describe.
I didn't actually really start touching myself with my fingers until much MUCH later..I would hump pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, you name it. I just knew that itd make my "girly parts" tingle and feel good. I know I was roughly about 10 years old when I did realize that feeling....for self loving.

But, for during SEX, well, its a little more...wonky. I really dont remember when I discovered I can feel good in the same way...Meaning, have the explosive orgasm during sex like I did when I self loved myself.

Did I learn it? Was it naturally ingrained? Did self loving myself for all those years help to teach my brain HOW to achieve orgasms during sex?

I also remember around the same time, perhaps a little later, (11 or 12), when I found my parents' porn "collection"...I remember putting it into the VCR (holy fuck, remember those?? Those big giant machines with clunky tapes...ugh...but I digress), pushing play, sitting on the floor of my livingroom and watching in wonder and fascination at what was going on between the two people on the screen...I think this is around the time I realized that porn stirred something within me, specifically rougher looking sex, because I felt arousal in my "girly parts" like I'd never experienced before.

I didn't realize it at the time, but this was my hormones setting off the "horniness" that I feel today when Im aroused. My body had begun to blossom and I was along for the ride...During this tape, I believe thats when I realized that sex was supposed to be rough and wild and crazy, because the couple in the video I was watching, were going completely nuts.

I remember thinking, in my very young brain, "Does she feel as good as I do when I touch my....*blush* down there girly bits?" (and yes, that was my exact thought at that time...)

I remember looking at the girls body, and looking down at my tits. You have to remember, when I was 11 or 12 yrs old, it was 1986/1987. Back then, the girls in porn had big giant porn boobs. I was shocked and fascinated how big they were, how they moved, how round they were and I became hooked on having big titties when I grew up.

Of course, my mother was rather large chested, so I thought "Fantastic! Im gonna have big boobs like her!!"...WRONG...I got jipped in that department...and that was the beginning to the obsession with wanting big tits.

Flash forward to 7 or 8 short yrs later, to when I was 18 and with my first husband, Michael. I really learned a lot from him in our relationship and marriage. I learned a lot about sex, taboos (like anal...he was the first one to introduce me to it) and how to just be a woman in general. Before him, I had no idea about anything else...with him I had my first orgasms during sex and it exploded inside of me like a firework. In the 6 years he and I were together, I learned a lot of stuff about sex, and about myself and what I liked...and didnt like.

And still, even after him and I split, with Cameron, my late husband, I still learned more, with Dave, my ex even more still...with every other guy (and myself alone) in between, with researching and watching and reading, Ive taught myself a lot in the last 11 yrs since my first husband and I split.

I think it doesn't matter how old you are, if you're gay straight, bi, trans or whatever...Self loving and self discovery about yourself and *YOUR* sexuality is important to you and no one should tell you that something is wrong with you because of XYZ...

LOVE.