May 07, 2013
who am i?
I'm mouthy, opinionated, free spirited, independent and strong. It will take a STRONG man to deal with the way that i am...I CAN be a bitch with a sharp tongue... If you're man enough to break through my tough outter shell, I urge you to try. It will be a challenge...it will show me that you are worth it....I have my own car, I own my house, I'm self employed and homeschool my kids. I've been through hell and back so I have a REALLY tough exterior to break through.... But I can guarantee, I'm worth it...
That being said....Im not exactly sure what im even looking for at the moment...Im kind of at a weird place in my life right now...I have my own car, just bought a house that im remodeling (its going to take a WHILE) ...I have my businesses that im trying to get up and running here in NJ....I am WAYYYY to independent..Im too free spirited and often I forget to include others in what im doing/want to do an am extremely used to doing things on my own....I often do things at a whim and dont often care what others want me to do or not. Ive lived my life so freely in the last 7 yrs since my late husband died that unless the right person comes that makes me want to change things, I like living how I want.
Dont get it twisted. Im not a Dominant personality really...But in my life, i tend to be a control freak because I can be...i NEED to be....I HAVE to be...I like being able to control how things go in my life. Im a planner. I plan EVERYTHING and as the one song goes "i make lists in my sleep." I dont need/like someone telling me how to live my life because ive done very well living it so far....Yes, I may have struggled but I've made it through barely unscathed.
My heart has been bruised and broken into a gajillion pieces....Ive come back from being abused...lied to....cheated on...and i still keep rolling with the punches... I have a lot of idiosyncrasies that i wont/cant give up. So the person that happens to make those walls i mentioned above fall, will be undoubtably understanding and accepting of them.
My bodys been beat up by having 5 babies. Im not super skinny and I dont have this model type body...Im short and have a pudgy middle that i suck in and put two waist cinchers on every time i get dressed because its a self conscious spot....I have stretch marks. My tits sag from breastfeeding...But i have beautiful legs and arms and face and heart. There are things in my head that sometimes get in the way of me pursuing anything because i have yet to find that ONE person, who was like my late husband, who would accept them and help me through them.
My mother pretty much desserted me at a young age when her "prince" was born right after me...I was abused and ignored and belittled and treated like shit by a shit load of people that were supposed to care about me.
People that I was supposed to trust killed my heart.
Killed my trust.
Took advantage of me....of my kindness.....So, time and time again, it makes my bitchy attitude side come out because try as i may, most guys still ONLY see me for sex and it irritates the living piss out of me. Just because I dress/look a certain way, doesn't mean im ALL about sex...I want intimacy....love...passion....sweetness... compassion...snuggly nights where i just hold hands and put my head on my guys shoulder...
For the right person.....I have ALL the love in the world to give....All the kindness and compassion and sweetness and passion they could ever dream of.......
But one things for sure, I DESPERATELY need for something to go INCREDIBLY slow.
I need time of talking and getting to know someone, to see if they're worthy of my heart before I even meet them....I need to feel that *spark* during conversations that involve more then "hi, how are you?" and other casual conversation...
I have way to much going on in my life to be worried about impressing someone with a "bullshit hide behind a computer screen" self....This is me. Pure REALness...Utter and complete bluntness and no bullshit...
I also wont make plans to meet someone if m not getting a click vibe from one or two conversations ..I dont care if they're the "go out and get it when they see something they like" kinda guys...I dont give a shit what kind of guy you are....If IM not ready, we aint meeting, no matter how much you beg, bug, nag, cajole or threaten...You threaten you're bolting, so be it. BYE. dont let the off button burn your finger on the way to turning it off. No skin off my tits.
Giving me ultimatums aint gonna work....Ive lived 7 YRS of that shit, 2 while single...Ive hit my limit and WONT tolerate it anymore...
So, thats kinda where Im at at the moment...Struggling with who I am and what i want.
May 04, 2013
I have a lot of catching up to do...
I really have been keeping up on my writing.
Just not updating my blogs here....So, Im going to post as many as i can up til this point from January....EEEK, thisll be long...
Stripping Again..
Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:06pm
After working several jobs since moving down here waiting tables and finding that people are idiots in this area with tipping, i discussed with the B/f about going back to stripping.
He agreed that it would be a good thing seeing as Id make more money faster by doing that then making the measly $40 a night waiting tables (hard to support yourself, put gas in the car and save money when you're only making $40 a night in tips...nope, not at all)
So, Ive started (Re)stocking up on my "stripper attire" by buying two new outfits (half of one is on back order, GOD DAMN IT, and I have to wait until NEXT WEEK to get it....from fed ex...ugh.), a white, knee high pair of leather looking lace up boots that go with the half an outfit...I bought a pair of sparkly silver platform stripper shoes and a gun metal dress to go along with it.
Now i just need to get gstrings from the one place in South Philly next week.
The lot of my other outfits are currently in storage because Im living with a couple of my best friends, who opened their home to me and my girls after a hellish two months with my inlaws (see previous journal posting)....I have a few outfits here that I brought with me "just in case" and that will be around 5 outfits until Im able to start making more money and buying more clothes to help me entice the masses of men into spending more money on my incredibly gorgeous self. (sarcasm here ladies and gentlemen)...
Ive already auditioned at one club and they put me down as a "on call dancer" which in code means "you weren't good enough to hire so we'll just give you a bullshit line to make you think youre hired but we'll really never call you."
Why cant people just be honest?
It kinda pissed me off because ALL of the girls there were telling me that I danced better then the majority of the girls there....Hmmm, jealousy perhaps? Youd think that theyd WANT someone in there that knows how to move and seduce with dancing but apparently they just want girls who stand on stage and do the booty bumpin ass clappin dance moves that I wouldnt qualify as DANCING per se.
ugh.
Ill give them a call later, to see what the status is...But Ill also call other clubs to find out if theyre hiring dancers and find out when auditions are.
So, ladies and gents, Im back to being a stripper...And im actually happy about it.
Popularity...
Friday, January 4, 2013 at 11:29pm
In all my life, Ive never been popular. Sure, Ive had "friends" during points in my life that have used me for thier own personal gains, but, usually, as soon as they get what they wanted/needed or didnt need me anymore, they'd disappear.
Now, I can count on both hands how many true REAL honest to Goddess friends that I have, that have been there through the years and through the bullshit with me...
Yes, some are online, some are in person but I am happy and grateful for those friendships and that I can honestly say that I trust them enough with my heart, my life and that of my childrens lives. I am truly and utterly thankful and grateful that they have earned that place in myheart that will never been forgotten nor replaced.
Amoung them, the ones who've been there in some way, whether it was to support me, encourage me, be my cheering squad, a sounding board, hang out with me, drink with me, comforted me, and didnt or havent judged me for the things Ive done or the choices Ive made in life, I sincerely completely thank you...
I have to say that Ive always wanted to be "popular"...to have a crapton on friends and be almost "famous" in some way...to have "fans" and successes in things like my make up artist career, or when I did youtube, or other avenues, but now, I see that those wouldnt have made me happy because they werent REAL friendships...they would have been imaginary...fake...
What makes me happy is that I can call on those that ARE real in my life, that I can truly call friends...I can call them in the middle of the night and theyd try everything in their powers to come running (literally and figuratively)...The ones that have been around through the last 10 or so years...
The ones that have stuck by me through thick and thin...the ones who havent desserted me in my "darkest hours"..
I can honestly say, with EVERY fiber of my being:
THANK YOU...
To those people, Ann, Gary, Kim, Wendy, Karen, Rhiannon, Jesus, James. Georgann, Crystal, Lacie, Tyson, Addy, Brigitte, Heather, Susan, Andrea, Scott, Dee, Koni, Chris, Jay, Harry, Noelle, Brad and Gina and ANYONE whom I missed that has been there for me in their own little way, no matter WHAT it was, I love you all, from the very very bottom of my heart. Your friendships mean the world to me and I can only hope that i mean even a smidgen of what you all mean to me.
Thank you in whatever ways youve helped me learn, grow, and develop into the woman that I am today.
Writers Block...
Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 10:59pm
Im trying desperately to come up with something to write about and my mind is a complete blank...do I write about religion? relationships? cats? I am trying so so hard to figure out something to write about...but my brain is going "UH UHHHHHH..."
Two days....TWO DAYS ive been trying to figre out something to write about and my brain is severely blocked blocked blocked.
ughhhhhhhhhh....
The word "slut"
Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 11:02am
after reading a discussion on another website that Im on, it got my writing juices flowing...
The thread was this one:
"I hear the debate about what is a slut so let me ladies is there a number of sexual partners that equals slut? Everyone likes to talk about their "number" and partners often ask each others their "number" (even though that cane a bad idea) so what si the "number" that equals slut? Is it 15? 20? 25? 30? or some larger number?"
to which I replied:
i actually dont believe in the word "slut" per se...who actually determines what/who a slut is??? Ive seen women call another woman a slut simply because of the way she was dressed...Ive heard women call their friend a slut because she slept with someones bf/fiance/husband....the word is SUCH a toss-around term that it really doesn't apply to anything major in my world anymore...Its SO SO overused that it simply doesn't apply anymore.
I really dont think that the number of sexual partners a person has had MAKES them a "slut"....I call that person "sexually free/open". I dont use words like slut, whore, hussy etc to describe a person...In fact I honestly give that person props for doing what they want and not really caring about what people call them...
If there IS such a "magical number" then what would it be to YOU OP??
and it got me thinking....what do YOU consider a "slut"??? Have you ever called someone that word because of a way someone was acting/dressed??
I know someone, that if you use the term slut to her, she goes APESHIT....And i often wonder why...Is it because underneath, in her mind, she KNOWS that shes a slut but doesnt OWN it? Is it because shes ashamed because she knows shes one? Or is it something deeper?
TO me, if someone calls me a slut/whore/whatever, I simply turn to them and thank them. I thank them because by them calling me a derogatory name, it shows me their TRUE character...and Im not talking dirty bedroom pillow talk...Im talking about if someone sees an outfit im wearing or something and theyre JEALOUS (which, lets be honest, 9 times out of ten, a woman WILL call another woman a slut out of jealousy) and they call me a slut/whore whatever...I laugh at them and usually say "is that the best ya got?"
I was called a slut in juinor high because I kissed someone...dressed differently...even had sex before anyone else...and who cares NOW? because I lost my virginity at 13/14? No one...girls NOW are loosing it even sooner, and it doesnt make them SLUTS. It makes them curious kids. I can honestly say that to ME the word slut, is just that....a word. it doesnt MEAN anthing to me so therefore I dont give it power...and when you GIVE something power, its going to bug/anger/upset you...its JUST a word that has no power unless you GIVE it power.
A lot of people let derogatory names get to them. A lot of people flip out, use anger, violence, hatred when someone calls them something...I just shake my head and laugh and usually know that when someone calls someone a name, its because of THEIR insecurites.
I dont believe in any term that society has cooked up to describe a sexually free woman (or man for that matter)....in that respect, if a man can go out and "be a slut" so to speak, its 2013, why cant a woman? Why is there still a stigma attached to going home with someone and DOING whats natural for our bodies?
Im done and Ive stopped looking...
Sunday, February 17, 2013 at 11:48pm
So, after many attempts at trying to find my other half and finding the "ONE", I've given up. Ive been single for going on two years now and i simply just cant seem to find anyone that will put up with or deal with the way that I am.
So, Ive given up COMPLETELY on things...I was so lonely and desperate to be in a relationship that I was seriously thinking about marrying someone i didn't even know just to be with someone....Then we met and it was terrible...No chemistry or anything. Im simply afraid, to old and set in my ways to let anyone come along and be in my life when they'll probably just end up leaving in the long run...everyone leaves eventually...So I have completely given up on ever finding anything ever again.
Also, im too afraid to date or be with anyone because I have three little girls. They're getting older now and they're gorgeous. After something traumatic happening in my life in 2001, I just CANT get passed the danger of letting someone in that could do something to harm them....and no amount of googling or research or getting to know someone will tell you who someone is....And Im not taking that chance.
Between that and the fear of the guy leaving after letting my heart fall, and not being able to handle that, i engross myself in watching netflix and crocheting and just being in my head about things...over and over again I play things in my head of things that could go wrong...I avoid public places as much as i can because i dont want to be hit on for fear that men only see me as a sex object...Ill give them my heart, mind, body and soul and then he'll bail....its just not worth it...
I dont like bringing my girls out to the public because im terrified they'll get kidnapped...and lets face it, in this day and age, it could happen...I have anxiety about them leaving my side when we're somewhere and Im constantly doing head checks to make sure they're all with me....I homeschool them for the same reason...(on top of many many other reasons)...If anything happened to them, I honestly would crumble. I would completely loose my mind.
When i was younger, my mother would go grocery shopping and I would go over to the magazine rack and just sit while she shopped reading and fantasizing about the celebrities in the magazines...I couldn't do that with my girls...Id be terrified of something happening...
Bring a strange man who isnt their father into the equation....on top of my MANY trust issues...i just cant do it. Im broken. I give up.
"I always liked you as a...."
Sunday, February 24, 2013 at 12:13pm
Ya know...When someone says to me "i always liked you better as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is", I always shake my head and my irritation meter goes through the roof....Really? If you only liked the way i looked when I was blonde/brunette/redheaded/whatever, then that means you only "liked" me a certain way and if i change whatever it is, then you dont like me?? And that you dont think of me as a "friend" and only an object on your friends list...If thats the case, then you can delete me right now....
I really dont give a shit if people only "like me" as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is...Its my life. Im not trying to impress anyone...If you dont like ME AS A PERSON, regardless of whether im a blonde or a Redhead or whatever, that shows your shallowness.
I am SO tired of completely shallow people. Iam so tired of the backhanded compliments. I am so tired of the "i always liked you as a...." emails....If you like me, whether as a friend, love interest, WHATEVER, you wouldn't just LIKE me for my hair color, or what status i keep for myself, whether i be single married engaged whatever etc....Life is about change. And I change my hair as much as i want...i fluctuate in the way i am status wise as many times as i do because of things im going through in life...If you dont like when im a bitch, tough shit. Because its fuckwitted comments like "i always liked you better as a (insert whatever it is here)" that make me say, ya know....FUCK YOU.
If you only like me when Im the sweet, positive, caring woman that i USUALLY am, and dont like my brass bluntness when Ive hit my limit, then maybe we were never friends at all, and you should delete me right now...
If you cant "like" the complete package AS I AM, then you never liked me at all.
Ready to give up...
Saturday, April 13, 2013 at 4:22pm
ya know, Im started to get really discouraged and think that im seriously going to end up alone...i have friends that jump in and out of relationships left and right, that never have a lapse in being single, and they dont even look for it, it just happens...then i see celebrities doing the same thing...i see guys fighting over a not so great woman and im left standing there like "well, if guys think THAT train wreck is so great, i must be a total waste of space..." Im SO tired of seeing all these relationships around me and having nothing myself. to the point that ive completely given UP on love. Ive given up on finding ANYTHING...seriously. On all my profiles that i have on random sites (NOT dating sites, just other social networking things), i have "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING. so dont bother contacting me if you want something because its a very good possibility that you only want to get laid."...because apparently, thats all im fucking good for. Im seriously starting to think that something is wrong with me, that im not worth anything, and that no one will ever want me...My self esteem is seriously tanking to the point that ive gained weight and am now up to 155 pounds. I dont want to do anything, i dont want to do my hair or make up or anything....Im so discouraged and upset and i just dunno if i can handle anymore....
Add to that that i still havent found a place of my own yet (the one place i THOUGHT i found a few months ago fell through) and we're sleeping on air mattresses at someones house...not gonna say who because i dont need the added questions) home...I NEED my own place...Im DYING. I miss my stuff. I miss cooking with my stuff and LIVING how i want to live without fear of someone yet AGAIN kicking us out....
Granted, my inlaws didnt kick us out, I left, but, I left because of circumstances that even THEY dont understand what the fuck they did to make me RUN as fast as i could away from them (AGAIN.)....i had "friends" who kept telling me to get out of there and move in with them....Yea, well, they didnt turn out to be such good friends because they kicked me and the girls out with nowhere to go....Seriously.
I had to move in (thank god temporarily) with a guy that i didnt even LIKE that much. In fact, the day they had kicked me out, i HAD planned on ending it with him....He was just too.....He couldnt respet the fact that i needed TIME to trust him and he SERIOUSLY kept pushing boundaries of mine that i just WAS NOT ready for him to push...or let go of....There were nights that I went to sleep, not knowing if i was going to wake up to being raped or not. He was really a skeeze...and then he couldnt understand why i RAN as fast as i could when i could. Theres more to it, but this would be one reason why im alone...and think that i WILL be alone...but anyway, those "friends" that kicked us out, i will never speak to again. Because they did something that i thought they NEVER would have, and my trust in humanity and people has been completely shattered.
Im just so so seriously ready to give up and i just really dont know what to do anymore....Aside from where Im staying, i have NO ONE. Seriously. Im doing this ALL ON MY OWN. and im exhausted.
The girls are grating on my nerves because they make messes and then so i dont want to be bitched at, im following them around like a fucking slave cleaning up after them...Theyre 10, 8 and 7 and no matter how much i yell at them, its like they just dont care...I should be getting MORE time to myself, not LESS because i have to follow them around...Im FUCKING exhausted. I havent had a break or a REAL time to myself in i dont know how long....I NEED my own place...
And i try to think positively. I really do...But im seriously at my fucking WITS end.
I just really dont know what to do anymore. and im really ready to give up.
Wow...
Saturday, May 4, 2013 at 10:17pm
If you would have told me a month ago, that I would be sitting in MY own home, I would have said that you were crazy...
But, here I sit. In a home thats MINE. I bought it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a home OWNER.
Roughly 2 weeks ago, I had this opportunity drop into my lap...someone that I hadnt spoken to or really had any contact with was selling it...they are friends of Dave's...Now, not only are they friends of MINE, but theyre family to me.....I brought him over one day for him to help them finish the siding on it...and less then 4 hours later, I told them Id buy it from them....They gave me a really great deal and I couldnt be happier.
Within the next week and a half or so, it was whirlwind...getting things together, packing, moving, situating....planning, planning and more planning...We moved in last week.
Its really tiny and needs some work, but since my rent went from $1500 a month to $360 a month for lot rent, Im now left with about $900 to spend a month remodeling it and fixing whats wrong...In addition to putting on an addition within the next yr (which will come AFTER we redo the INSIDE and i put aside a decent chunk of money), the bathroom, kitchen and two bedrooms that the girls are sharing will all be redone...The living-room will be repainted and recarpeted, and the hallway painted and recarpeted,
Even though its tiny, I have a decent chunk of property to play with. I have a side yard, a front yard (which will be where the addition will be added to, in addition of my driveway, and garden), and a nice sized backyard that I will be adding a patio set to, a swing and either a fire pit or a chiminea to for those chilly fall nights to sit out at...
Im beyond happy with my new home. I will be able to do anything I want to it and not have to deal with a landlord bitching at me for changing something...I will also be able to get a dog. :) Unfortunately not a pittie like I wanted as theyre not allowed in this park...but a dog nonetheless.
I have exchanged emails with a Labrador breeder and the guy behind me is planning on breeding his Mastiff and I told him Id be interested in one of his puppies once they were born and weaned....
Ive also always wanted an african grey parrot and now that ill have the extra money, I am finally able to get one....
Ya know, when I chose to move back to New Jersey, never did i imagine having my OWN HOME, that Id own...I figured id be stck in a place that i hated, and even after moving back considered moving to Ohio...Had even spoken to a couple of people there, and started making plans...it was the day after i spoke to the one realtor that this place dropped into my lap....Guess fate wants me HERE. lol
When i wrote that journal almost a month ago, I was so discouraged and upset. I didn't know which way was up...I was sleeping on the floor in my Ex-mother in laws home...miserable...
And then this...I almost didnt come over here that day...But Dave talked me into it...I almost said no...When i first saw the place, I said to him "um...WTF?! this is the place???"
But once I came in...Once i thought about the benefits...Once i thought about where I was living and this more then likely was going to be a really GOOD thing for me and started really LOOKING at it....
Im really glad that i came over. I am very happy that its mine and I dont have to worry about someone bitching at me for one reason or another (ann and gary or exmom in law)...or kicking me out...this is MY HOME.
.....I wonder now if im gonna get that boyfriend ive wanted for a while now........
Just not updating my blogs here....So, Im going to post as many as i can up til this point from January....EEEK, thisll be long...
Stripping Again..
Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:06pm
After working several jobs since moving down here waiting tables and finding that people are idiots in this area with tipping, i discussed with the B/f about going back to stripping.
He agreed that it would be a good thing seeing as Id make more money faster by doing that then making the measly $40 a night waiting tables (hard to support yourself, put gas in the car and save money when you're only making $40 a night in tips...nope, not at all)
So, Ive started (Re)stocking up on my "stripper attire" by buying two new outfits (half of one is on back order, GOD DAMN IT, and I have to wait until NEXT WEEK to get it....from fed ex...ugh.), a white, knee high pair of leather looking lace up boots that go with the half an outfit...I bought a pair of sparkly silver platform stripper shoes and a gun metal dress to go along with it.
Now i just need to get gstrings from the one place in South Philly next week.
The lot of my other outfits are currently in storage because Im living with a couple of my best friends, who opened their home to me and my girls after a hellish two months with my inlaws (see previous journal posting)....I have a few outfits here that I brought with me "just in case" and that will be around 5 outfits until Im able to start making more money and buying more clothes to help me entice the masses of men into spending more money on my incredibly gorgeous self. (sarcasm here ladies and gentlemen)...
Ive already auditioned at one club and they put me down as a "on call dancer" which in code means "you weren't good enough to hire so we'll just give you a bullshit line to make you think youre hired but we'll really never call you."
Why cant people just be honest?
It kinda pissed me off because ALL of the girls there were telling me that I danced better then the majority of the girls there....Hmmm, jealousy perhaps? Youd think that theyd WANT someone in there that knows how to move and seduce with dancing but apparently they just want girls who stand on stage and do the booty bumpin ass clappin dance moves that I wouldnt qualify as DANCING per se.
ugh.
Ill give them a call later, to see what the status is...But Ill also call other clubs to find out if theyre hiring dancers and find out when auditions are.
So, ladies and gents, Im back to being a stripper...And im actually happy about it.
Popularity...
Friday, January 4, 2013 at 11:29pm
In all my life, Ive never been popular. Sure, Ive had "friends" during points in my life that have used me for thier own personal gains, but, usually, as soon as they get what they wanted/needed or didnt need me anymore, they'd disappear.
Now, I can count on both hands how many true REAL honest to Goddess friends that I have, that have been there through the years and through the bullshit with me...
Yes, some are online, some are in person but I am happy and grateful for those friendships and that I can honestly say that I trust them enough with my heart, my life and that of my childrens lives. I am truly and utterly thankful and grateful that they have earned that place in myheart that will never been forgotten nor replaced.
Amoung them, the ones who've been there in some way, whether it was to support me, encourage me, be my cheering squad, a sounding board, hang out with me, drink with me, comforted me, and didnt or havent judged me for the things Ive done or the choices Ive made in life, I sincerely completely thank you...
I have to say that Ive always wanted to be "popular"...to have a crapton on friends and be almost "famous" in some way...to have "fans" and successes in things like my make up artist career, or when I did youtube, or other avenues, but now, I see that those wouldnt have made me happy because they werent REAL friendships...they would have been imaginary...fake...
What makes me happy is that I can call on those that ARE real in my life, that I can truly call friends...I can call them in the middle of the night and theyd try everything in their powers to come running (literally and figuratively)...The ones that have been around through the last 10 or so years...
The ones that have stuck by me through thick and thin...the ones who havent desserted me in my "darkest hours"..
I can honestly say, with EVERY fiber of my being:
THANK YOU...
To those people, Ann, Gary, Kim, Wendy, Karen, Rhiannon, Jesus, James. Georgann, Crystal, Lacie, Tyson, Addy, Brigitte, Heather, Susan, Andrea, Scott, Dee, Koni, Chris, Jay, Harry, Noelle, Brad and Gina and ANYONE whom I missed that has been there for me in their own little way, no matter WHAT it was, I love you all, from the very very bottom of my heart. Your friendships mean the world to me and I can only hope that i mean even a smidgen of what you all mean to me.
Thank you in whatever ways youve helped me learn, grow, and develop into the woman that I am today.
Writers Block...
Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 10:59pm
Im trying desperately to come up with something to write about and my mind is a complete blank...do I write about religion? relationships? cats? I am trying so so hard to figure out something to write about...but my brain is going "UH UHHHHHH..."
Two days....TWO DAYS ive been trying to figre out something to write about and my brain is severely blocked blocked blocked.
ughhhhhhhhhh....
The word "slut"
Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 11:02am
after reading a discussion on another website that Im on, it got my writing juices flowing...
The thread was this one:
"I hear the debate about what is a slut so let me ladies is there a number of sexual partners that equals slut? Everyone likes to talk about their "number" and partners often ask each others their "number" (even though that cane a bad idea) so what si the "number" that equals slut? Is it 15? 20? 25? 30? or some larger number?"
to which I replied:
i actually dont believe in the word "slut" per se...who actually determines what/who a slut is??? Ive seen women call another woman a slut simply because of the way she was dressed...Ive heard women call their friend a slut because she slept with someones bf/fiance/husband....the word is SUCH a toss-around term that it really doesn't apply to anything major in my world anymore...Its SO SO overused that it simply doesn't apply anymore.
I really dont think that the number of sexual partners a person has had MAKES them a "slut"....I call that person "sexually free/open". I dont use words like slut, whore, hussy etc to describe a person...In fact I honestly give that person props for doing what they want and not really caring about what people call them...
If there IS such a "magical number" then what would it be to YOU OP??
and it got me thinking....what do YOU consider a "slut"??? Have you ever called someone that word because of a way someone was acting/dressed??
I know someone, that if you use the term slut to her, she goes APESHIT....And i often wonder why...Is it because underneath, in her mind, she KNOWS that shes a slut but doesnt OWN it? Is it because shes ashamed because she knows shes one? Or is it something deeper?
TO me, if someone calls me a slut/whore/whatever, I simply turn to them and thank them. I thank them because by them calling me a derogatory name, it shows me their TRUE character...and Im not talking dirty bedroom pillow talk...Im talking about if someone sees an outfit im wearing or something and theyre JEALOUS (which, lets be honest, 9 times out of ten, a woman WILL call another woman a slut out of jealousy) and they call me a slut/whore whatever...I laugh at them and usually say "is that the best ya got?"
I was called a slut in juinor high because I kissed someone...dressed differently...even had sex before anyone else...and who cares NOW? because I lost my virginity at 13/14? No one...girls NOW are loosing it even sooner, and it doesnt make them SLUTS. It makes them curious kids. I can honestly say that to ME the word slut, is just that....a word. it doesnt MEAN anthing to me so therefore I dont give it power...and when you GIVE something power, its going to bug/anger/upset you...its JUST a word that has no power unless you GIVE it power.
A lot of people let derogatory names get to them. A lot of people flip out, use anger, violence, hatred when someone calls them something...I just shake my head and laugh and usually know that when someone calls someone a name, its because of THEIR insecurites.
I dont believe in any term that society has cooked up to describe a sexually free woman (or man for that matter)....in that respect, if a man can go out and "be a slut" so to speak, its 2013, why cant a woman? Why is there still a stigma attached to going home with someone and DOING whats natural for our bodies?
Im done and Ive stopped looking...
Sunday, February 17, 2013 at 11:48pm
So, after many attempts at trying to find my other half and finding the "ONE", I've given up. Ive been single for going on two years now and i simply just cant seem to find anyone that will put up with or deal with the way that I am.
So, Ive given up COMPLETELY on things...I was so lonely and desperate to be in a relationship that I was seriously thinking about marrying someone i didn't even know just to be with someone....Then we met and it was terrible...No chemistry or anything. Im simply afraid, to old and set in my ways to let anyone come along and be in my life when they'll probably just end up leaving in the long run...everyone leaves eventually...So I have completely given up on ever finding anything ever again.
Also, im too afraid to date or be with anyone because I have three little girls. They're getting older now and they're gorgeous. After something traumatic happening in my life in 2001, I just CANT get passed the danger of letting someone in that could do something to harm them....and no amount of googling or research or getting to know someone will tell you who someone is....And Im not taking that chance.
Between that and the fear of the guy leaving after letting my heart fall, and not being able to handle that, i engross myself in watching netflix and crocheting and just being in my head about things...over and over again I play things in my head of things that could go wrong...I avoid public places as much as i can because i dont want to be hit on for fear that men only see me as a sex object...Ill give them my heart, mind, body and soul and then he'll bail....its just not worth it...
I dont like bringing my girls out to the public because im terrified they'll get kidnapped...and lets face it, in this day and age, it could happen...I have anxiety about them leaving my side when we're somewhere and Im constantly doing head checks to make sure they're all with me....I homeschool them for the same reason...(on top of many many other reasons)...If anything happened to them, I honestly would crumble. I would completely loose my mind.
When i was younger, my mother would go grocery shopping and I would go over to the magazine rack and just sit while she shopped reading and fantasizing about the celebrities in the magazines...I couldn't do that with my girls...Id be terrified of something happening...
Bring a strange man who isnt their father into the equation....on top of my MANY trust issues...i just cant do it. Im broken. I give up.
"I always liked you as a...."
Sunday, February 24, 2013 at 12:13pm
Ya know...When someone says to me "i always liked you better as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is", I always shake my head and my irritation meter goes through the roof....Really? If you only liked the way i looked when I was blonde/brunette/redheaded/whatever, then that means you only "liked" me a certain way and if i change whatever it is, then you dont like me?? And that you dont think of me as a "friend" and only an object on your friends list...If thats the case, then you can delete me right now....
I really dont give a shit if people only "like me" as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is...Its my life. Im not trying to impress anyone...If you dont like ME AS A PERSON, regardless of whether im a blonde or a Redhead or whatever, that shows your shallowness.
I am SO tired of completely shallow people. Iam so tired of the backhanded compliments. I am so tired of the "i always liked you as a...." emails....If you like me, whether as a friend, love interest, WHATEVER, you wouldn't just LIKE me for my hair color, or what status i keep for myself, whether i be single married engaged whatever etc....Life is about change. And I change my hair as much as i want...i fluctuate in the way i am status wise as many times as i do because of things im going through in life...If you dont like when im a bitch, tough shit. Because its fuckwitted comments like "i always liked you better as a (insert whatever it is here)" that make me say, ya know....FUCK YOU.
If you only like me when Im the sweet, positive, caring woman that i USUALLY am, and dont like my brass bluntness when Ive hit my limit, then maybe we were never friends at all, and you should delete me right now...
If you cant "like" the complete package AS I AM, then you never liked me at all.
Ready to give up...
Saturday, April 13, 2013 at 4:22pm
ya know, Im started to get really discouraged and think that im seriously going to end up alone...i have friends that jump in and out of relationships left and right, that never have a lapse in being single, and they dont even look for it, it just happens...then i see celebrities doing the same thing...i see guys fighting over a not so great woman and im left standing there like "well, if guys think THAT train wreck is so great, i must be a total waste of space..." Im SO tired of seeing all these relationships around me and having nothing myself. to the point that ive completely given UP on love. Ive given up on finding ANYTHING...seriously. On all my profiles that i have on random sites (NOT dating sites, just other social networking things), i have "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING. so dont bother contacting me if you want something because its a very good possibility that you only want to get laid."...because apparently, thats all im fucking good for. Im seriously starting to think that something is wrong with me, that im not worth anything, and that no one will ever want me...My self esteem is seriously tanking to the point that ive gained weight and am now up to 155 pounds. I dont want to do anything, i dont want to do my hair or make up or anything....Im so discouraged and upset and i just dunno if i can handle anymore....
Add to that that i still havent found a place of my own yet (the one place i THOUGHT i found a few months ago fell through) and we're sleeping on air mattresses at someones house...not gonna say who because i dont need the added questions) home...I NEED my own place...Im DYING. I miss my stuff. I miss cooking with my stuff and LIVING how i want to live without fear of someone yet AGAIN kicking us out....
Granted, my inlaws didnt kick us out, I left, but, I left because of circumstances that even THEY dont understand what the fuck they did to make me RUN as fast as i could away from them (AGAIN.)....i had "friends" who kept telling me to get out of there and move in with them....Yea, well, they didnt turn out to be such good friends because they kicked me and the girls out with nowhere to go....Seriously.
I had to move in (thank god temporarily) with a guy that i didnt even LIKE that much. In fact, the day they had kicked me out, i HAD planned on ending it with him....He was just too.....He couldnt respet the fact that i needed TIME to trust him and he SERIOUSLY kept pushing boundaries of mine that i just WAS NOT ready for him to push...or let go of....There were nights that I went to sleep, not knowing if i was going to wake up to being raped or not. He was really a skeeze...and then he couldnt understand why i RAN as fast as i could when i could. Theres more to it, but this would be one reason why im alone...and think that i WILL be alone...but anyway, those "friends" that kicked us out, i will never speak to again. Because they did something that i thought they NEVER would have, and my trust in humanity and people has been completely shattered.
Im just so so seriously ready to give up and i just really dont know what to do anymore....Aside from where Im staying, i have NO ONE. Seriously. Im doing this ALL ON MY OWN. and im exhausted.
The girls are grating on my nerves because they make messes and then so i dont want to be bitched at, im following them around like a fucking slave cleaning up after them...Theyre 10, 8 and 7 and no matter how much i yell at them, its like they just dont care...I should be getting MORE time to myself, not LESS because i have to follow them around...Im FUCKING exhausted. I havent had a break or a REAL time to myself in i dont know how long....I NEED my own place...
And i try to think positively. I really do...But im seriously at my fucking WITS end.
I just really dont know what to do anymore. and im really ready to give up.
Wow...
Saturday, May 4, 2013 at 10:17pm
If you would have told me a month ago, that I would be sitting in MY own home, I would have said that you were crazy...
But, here I sit. In a home thats MINE. I bought it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a home OWNER.
Roughly 2 weeks ago, I had this opportunity drop into my lap...someone that I hadnt spoken to or really had any contact with was selling it...they are friends of Dave's...Now, not only are they friends of MINE, but theyre family to me.....I brought him over one day for him to help them finish the siding on it...and less then 4 hours later, I told them Id buy it from them....They gave me a really great deal and I couldnt be happier.
Within the next week and a half or so, it was whirlwind...getting things together, packing, moving, situating....planning, planning and more planning...We moved in last week.
Its really tiny and needs some work, but since my rent went from $1500 a month to $360 a month for lot rent, Im now left with about $900 to spend a month remodeling it and fixing whats wrong...In addition to putting on an addition within the next yr (which will come AFTER we redo the INSIDE and i put aside a decent chunk of money), the bathroom, kitchen and two bedrooms that the girls are sharing will all be redone...The living-room will be repainted and recarpeted, and the hallway painted and recarpeted,
Even though its tiny, I have a decent chunk of property to play with. I have a side yard, a front yard (which will be where the addition will be added to, in addition of my driveway, and garden), and a nice sized backyard that I will be adding a patio set to, a swing and either a fire pit or a chiminea to for those chilly fall nights to sit out at...
Im beyond happy with my new home. I will be able to do anything I want to it and not have to deal with a landlord bitching at me for changing something...I will also be able to get a dog. :) Unfortunately not a pittie like I wanted as theyre not allowed in this park...but a dog nonetheless.
I have exchanged emails with a Labrador breeder and the guy behind me is planning on breeding his Mastiff and I told him Id be interested in one of his puppies once they were born and weaned....
Ive also always wanted an african grey parrot and now that ill have the extra money, I am finally able to get one....
Ya know, when I chose to move back to New Jersey, never did i imagine having my OWN HOME, that Id own...I figured id be stck in a place that i hated, and even after moving back considered moving to Ohio...Had even spoken to a couple of people there, and started making plans...it was the day after i spoke to the one realtor that this place dropped into my lap....Guess fate wants me HERE. lol
When i wrote that journal almost a month ago, I was so discouraged and upset. I didn't know which way was up...I was sleeping on the floor in my Ex-mother in laws home...miserable...
And then this...I almost didnt come over here that day...But Dave talked me into it...I almost said no...When i first saw the place, I said to him "um...WTF?! this is the place???"
But once I came in...Once i thought about the benefits...Once i thought about where I was living and this more then likely was going to be a really GOOD thing for me and started really LOOKING at it....
Im really glad that i came over. I am very happy that its mine and I dont have to worry about someone bitching at me for one reason or another (ann and gary or exmom in law)...or kicking me out...this is MY HOME.
.....I wonder now if im gonna get that boyfriend ive wanted for a while now........
January 02, 2013
writing everyday for a year...
So, I made a new years resolution yesterday about writing about something every single day for a solid year to get my creative juices flowing a bit...Todays topic will be doing away with people in my life that have stifled me...
Until recently, I was living with my late husbands family with my girls. They are hardcore devout Christians and massively vanilla.
In my late husbands and i's marriage, they tried to control everything about it, and he let them. We were under their thumb like crazy crazy...Theyd call and hed come running...Theyd say "do it THIS way", and hed do it....Even down to us having kids...They were NEVER happy for us, and even made him get a paternity test for my middle child because they for SURE that i was a whore and got pregnant by someone else and was pinning it on him (it turned out his OF COURSE...)
Staying with them for 2 months was hell. I was constantly feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells and be careful about what I said, who I was, who I was talking to and all that. They were constantly in my business and it drove me crazy....The day after i moved in, I got up early to go get my best friend to help me move stuff out of the uhaul into the storage unit i had rented...I had barely started my car and was pulling out the driveway when my sister in law called me from her bedroom saying "where ya going?"
REALLY????
After I found out that my mother in law put her hands on my child and SHOOK her while I was at work one day, I snapped....It happened on a Sunday and I was out of there on Wednesday, staying with my owners mother until the friend Im currently living with felt better (she had been ill)...
The way they treated my girls was abhorable. Yelling and screaming at them for the slightest things...taking things away like crayons and playdough and anything creative they played with...Ive always raised my girls to be creative and free spirited and open...There, we were stifled and they constantly screamed at them.
On one occasion, my sister in law (ill call her Bitch from here on out), came home from being out somewhere...My girls had been outside happily playing in mud puddles....They hadn't made any messes and were careful at my insistence, not to track mud through the house if they came in...
My father in law was aware of what they were doing and I was sitting right there, watching, listening, paying attention to what my girls were doing...
She was standing in the kitchen doing something and she looks out the window. She runs to the door, FLINGS it open and SCREAMS at them "GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT MUD!!!"
I told her that they had BEEN playing in it all day and she flips out saying "mom doesn't want mud in the house!" (when in all actuality, I do believe that it was HER that didn't want mud tracked through the house because she's OCD and controlling)
I told her that they had been fine playing out there all day and that they hadn't tracked mud in the house at all, and then i said "And, you REALLY need to stop screaming at my kids all the time", to which she had replied "its MY house, ill scream at them all i want."
Now, let me say that this was HER PARENTS house. She has NEVER lived on her own......EVER.... she's 28. She has a BEDROOM.
She replied "well, actually, I pay RENT so it IS my house..."
To which I said "This is your parents house....you may pay rent but you have a fuckin BEDROOM, not the entire house." (and guarantee that she pays very VERY minimal rent...and this was the FIRST shed mentioned EVER having to pay rent...which i think was a lie.)
Shes an idiot but its prime example of how they are...She and my mother in law even tried dictating where I get a job at...even going so far as to tell me that my sister in laws boss said that hed give me a job, like I couldn't or didn't have the ability to get a job on my own.
After the shaking incident, I decided that I just couldn't handle the way the entire family was...Controlling, obsessive, in your business....I can handle it if my OWNER is that way, but overall, im a free spirit who's used to coming and going as I please, not answering to anyone...
After moving out, i cut all ties with them. Blocking them from calling me (i have a block feature on my cell), deleting and blocking them off my girls' facebook that I had originally made for them while we were in Rhode Island so that their family (the inlaws) could see how they were doing...
And I honestly have to say that in the 10+ years that ive known them, I feel SO peaceful and happy and am able to finally be myself again...Even my middle daughter Holli said to me on New Years Eve, "mommy, Im SO much happier here then I was at Mom Mom's...We aren't getting orders barked at us or yelled at anymore." They are able to be themselves here and so am I.
Im so so happy relieved and glad that I FINALLY did what my owner said 6 years ago to do...Cut ties.
October 18, 2012
Moving home...
So, after many a tumultuous year here in Rhode Island, I decided rather quickly to move back home...2 weeks ago. I figured out that I was beyond lonely and needed help that I no longer had here...
When Dave left and we subsequently divorced, I figured out that Rhode Island wasn't where I belonged anymore...And I managed to stick it out for 16 months since kicking Dave out and Ive reached my limit rather quickly a few weeks ago...The noise, the pollution, the traffic, the crime, the sirens, the STUPID STUPID laws...Just cant handle it...I want peace and quiet and relaxation...Most if not all the neighborhoods in South Jersey ARE quiet and will give me that peace.
And here it is, October 18th and in 24 hours I will be loading up the U-haul with the family and friends that are coming up to help me and hopefully, leaving as early on saturday morning as possible to avoid traffic...
I am definitely looking forward to a new life in NJ...my home state...I cant wait to feel my feet on the soil...feel the air in my lungs...be close to my real friends and family here...And, close to Camerons grave...Not so much for me, but for my girls...
Yes, of course there have been times that I wished I could go and lay on his grave like I used to when I was down, but behind 300 miles away from it, made it a little difficult, but mostly I want to be able to bring the girls to his grave to honor him as much as possible and its incredibly hard to do that from here...
I look forward to moving back to be with my family, to be with my friends...to be amoungst my "people"...noone truly understands the jersey attitude unless youre from there...And frankly, RI is *nothing* like NJ...
I miss WAWA and Wildwood and the malls and the food and everything like that...I miss Heritages dairy stores and their UNBELIEVABLE sandwiches...I miss the quietness of the country...This city living has gotten to me and I crave quiet...peacefulness and no LOUD LOUD mexican mariachi music on a sunday morning at 9 am when people should have common courtesy for their neighbors who are sleeping...
Thats something else that most people up here dont seem to have...Common Courtesy...I live in a three unit building...Im quiet and respectful to others around me because I was raised to be...Most of my life ive spent living in apartments so I was raised to be quiet and have courtesy...
Like the neighbors I mentioned blaring their music on Sunday mornings, most people here are like that....When driving, people cut you off with no hesitation...when youre trying to get onto a highway, they dont move so that you can merge safely onto said highway...
There are so many many other examples but for the moment, the previously mentioned ones are the ones that bug me the most...
So, here it is....everything is packed...Im done cleaning everything...and im just waiting for everyone to get here...
I cant wait and im beyond excited to be going home...
When Dave left and we subsequently divorced, I figured out that Rhode Island wasn't where I belonged anymore...And I managed to stick it out for 16 months since kicking Dave out and Ive reached my limit rather quickly a few weeks ago...The noise, the pollution, the traffic, the crime, the sirens, the STUPID STUPID laws...Just cant handle it...I want peace and quiet and relaxation...Most if not all the neighborhoods in South Jersey ARE quiet and will give me that peace.
And here it is, October 18th and in 24 hours I will be loading up the U-haul with the family and friends that are coming up to help me and hopefully, leaving as early on saturday morning as possible to avoid traffic...
I am definitely looking forward to a new life in NJ...my home state...I cant wait to feel my feet on the soil...feel the air in my lungs...be close to my real friends and family here...And, close to Camerons grave...Not so much for me, but for my girls...
Yes, of course there have been times that I wished I could go and lay on his grave like I used to when I was down, but behind 300 miles away from it, made it a little difficult, but mostly I want to be able to bring the girls to his grave to honor him as much as possible and its incredibly hard to do that from here...
I look forward to moving back to be with my family, to be with my friends...to be amoungst my "people"...noone truly understands the jersey attitude unless youre from there...And frankly, RI is *nothing* like NJ...
I miss WAWA and Wildwood and the malls and the food and everything like that...I miss Heritages dairy stores and their UNBELIEVABLE sandwiches...I miss the quietness of the country...This city living has gotten to me and I crave quiet...peacefulness and no LOUD LOUD mexican mariachi music on a sunday morning at 9 am when people should have common courtesy for their neighbors who are sleeping...
Thats something else that most people up here dont seem to have...Common Courtesy...I live in a three unit building...Im quiet and respectful to others around me because I was raised to be...Most of my life ive spent living in apartments so I was raised to be quiet and have courtesy...
Like the neighbors I mentioned blaring their music on Sunday mornings, most people here are like that....When driving, people cut you off with no hesitation...when youre trying to get onto a highway, they dont move so that you can merge safely onto said highway...
There are so many many other examples but for the moment, the previously mentioned ones are the ones that bug me the most...
So, here it is....everything is packed...Im done cleaning everything...and im just waiting for everyone to get here...
I cant wait and im beyond excited to be going home...
October 10, 2012
Being a mom...
All my life I wanted to be a Mom...When I started trying to get pregnant, all I knew was that having sex without birth control would get me that way and thats all that I cared about.
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 18, I didnt even realize that the symptoms I had been having werent, in fact, the FLU, but it was morning sickness...BAD.
For a while, Id wake up with my husband, help him get ready for work and as he left, curl up and go back to sleep because Id be SO tired but I thought it was just because I was sick...
Id wake up SPRINTING to the bathroom to HURL anything that I had eaten while I was helping my husband get ready for work and I just couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with me...There was a time that me and my husband went to Subway to eat...I walked into the place and almost hurled right there because of the smell in there. I couldnt handle it.
We left and went somewhere else.
I had skipped my periods but didnt really dawn on me because from the day that I started *GETTING* my period, I had always been massively irregular. But, something told me to walk to CVS and grab a test...Within SECONDS of taking the test, the little pink "+" sign showed up. I was shocked....And had no idea how far along I was because I didnt even really remember when my last period had been before that.
Whats funny is that the moment I found out that i was pregnant, I stopped having the morning sickness...the nausea...the sore tits. Mind boggling.
I dont really remember going to my first doctors appt. I dont remember finding out how far along I was, but I remember going to my first ultrasound and seeing the baby...I was 12 weeks along......I had no idea what that meant.
Around 26 weeks I started having contractions and ended up in and out of the hospital several times before delivering my daughter at 31 weeks on October 30th, 1995 @ 2:50 in the afternoon. She weighed a teeny 4 lbs 5 ounces and was barely 16 inches long.
While I was going through all of that, alls I kept hearing was all this information about complications...issues that the baby might have if she were born this early...birth defects...long term health issues that could arise...I willed her to stay in longer...Prayed that shed be healthy. And she was.
I have been told that had I gone full term with her, she would have been HUGE.
I had no clue about breastfeeding and really didn't have the chance to do it because she was in the NICU for one day shy of 3 weeks and I wasn't able to see her everyday because she was in a hospital 2 hours away from us.
When she came home, it was a wonderful day. I had pretty much given up on breastfeeding at this point.
With my son, I knew a little bit more because prior to getting pregnant with him, the internet had just arrived...AOL was the newest thing...I researched the FUCK out of EVERYTHING....how to get pregnant...how to stay pregnant....how to get pregnant with a boy...(my husband now had, in addition to my daughter, three other daughters and he wanted a boy)...and all kinds of other things...
We got pregnant again before I got pregnant with my son, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and had to have a D&E to remove the "products of conception" because the baby had died inside me and my body wasnt discarding it like it should have.
I was devastated. Heartbroken...literally so sad that I could barely go to see one of my best friends in the hospital when she had her son because she had him right around the time that I would have been due...But I went anyway...
6 months later, on Valentines day, we got pregnant with my son, who just turned 13. The pregnancy I had with him was a little different but not by much.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely by surprise. I called my husband at work and told him that I was frustrated that I hadnt gotten my period yet (thinking that my periods had gone back to being irregular because we had been trying to get pregnant and couldnt if i wasnt getting my period)...He told me to call the doctor to get Provera to jump start my periods like I had before, before saying that I should go get a test to make sure I wasnt pregnant.
I told him that I really didnt think that I was pregnant but Id go to the store and get one anyway.
I went home, put my daughter down for a nap, and took the test...Again, within seconds, as I was putting the drops into the test, it was showing positive...
I was excited but scared out of my WITS because of what had happened with the previous pregnancy. I called my husband and then my doctor to set up an appt to come in immediately since I wanted to make sure the baby was ok...
I found out I was only 4 weeks along and was due November 3rd, 1999. The pregnancy was a breeze pretty much, with the exception of being tired and hot. (I was pregnant through the summer).
The pregnancy was going fine until I was about 28 weeks. I was staying with my mother at the time because, as usual, my husband was in jail....AGAIN. I went to her doorway of her room and said that I thought i might be in labor and she told me to call my doc, after asking how far along i was. (WTF?! she should have known that!)
My doctor told me to come in and when i got to the hospital, they checked me and found that i was 4 cms dilated.
That was the beginning of weeks of bedrest in the hospital...mag sulfate treatments...breathene shots...painful hip issues...physical therapy because I was on bedrest unable to get up...lots and lots o tests and ultrasounds...all the while listening to my mother scream at me on the other end of the phone because she had to take care of my daughter while I was dealing with everything. She kept asking me when they were going to let me come home.
It was a mess.
I had him at 36 weeks, in October 1999. Almost exactly 4 yrs to the day after having my oldest daughter.
Breastfeeding with my son would have gone REALLY well if I had had support, encouragement and help. But, I didn't. My mother was against breastfeeding. Thought it was disgusting and stupid...So, I caved and went to formula after a few weeks because I couldn't handle the berating and insults anymore.
In May of 2001, I found out that I was pregnant again by accident. It was a really bad time to have gotten pregnant because I had just filed for divorce from my oldest twos father and was in a bad place in my life...It was scary and I was in shock because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant again...at least not at that time. My now EX husband was not the father and I was super freaked out and scared...I had switched birth control pills because I had been bleeding for a solid month and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My doctor put me on a different birth control but something happened and I got pregnant.
However scared I was, the pregnancy was beautiful...No issues, no morning sickness, no sore breasts, nothing. I sailed through the pregnancy like a dream...Until i started going into labor at 24 weeks. Thats when they put me on this medication called Procardia and it was the MOST fantastic thing in the world because it stopped EVERY stitch of preterm labor...I had to take it every 3 hours and make sure to drink lots of water.
I made it to 35/37 weeks (depending on who you ask...*I* thought that because a previous doctor told me I was 2 weeks later then the docs I was seeing at the time, I said i was 37, *THEY* said I was 35...but, eh, whatevs.) with her. She was born in December of 2002.
She really is a beautiful miracle and I thank the Goddess every single day for her because getting pregnant with her woke me up and got me out of a really shitty situation.
She ended up having GERD so breastfeeding her was a pain in the behind but I was still able to pump and put my breast milk in with her formula.
9 months later I got pregnant with Holli. My pregnancy with her was fantastic, aside from a couple of early scares. At 6 weeks, I had started to bleed and thought i was having another miscarriage and told Cameron (my second husband)...He rushed me to the hospital....Turns out that the baby was fine...Good strong little heartbeat. My placenta had a little blood bubble behind it and thats where the blood was coming from...
After that, I called my family practitioner and told him that I was pregnant again and wanted to be put back on the Procardia to avoid any preterm complications. I knew I had time because my body would try to start going into labor between 27-28 weeks pregnant. I wanted to get a jump start.
She was born in June 2004 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was my biggest and the furthest Id made it with very very few complications.
My youngest child, was conceived when Holli was exactly 1 yr old. I found out on July 4th, 2005 that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed but scared because Cameron kept saying that we couldnt afford another baby although we werent exactly trying to prevent a pregnancy if it happened.
The pregnancy up until I was 28 weeks along was awesome. NO morning sickness...No pain...No sore tits. I adored being pregnant with her. Was really energetic, happy, overjoyed...
Until that December when we lost Cameron from a car accident.
After that I really dont remember much as far as the pregnancy because I was in SUCH a deep deep mourning that I just kinda blurred everything in my life.
Julia was born February 21, 2006 after 37 weeks 6 days of pregnancy. The labor was awful, painful and I almost died.
She wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding and I was in such a depression and mourning from having lost Cameron that it didnt matter to me. Formula was fine and easier...
It didnt stop me from bonding incredibly hard with her. Shes my little hip attachment and will just sit or snuggle with me for hours on end..will come in and give me lots and lots of kisses for no reason...I call her "my last gift from Cameron"...
Being a mom is the most amazing thing to me and I live for my children. When Cameron died, I wanted to die too and would have. With the exception of the fact that one day I was sitting at his grave, telling him I didnt know how I was going to live without him. And how I wanted to die too so that I could be with him.
Clear as a bell I heard his voice say to me "Dont you dare. You have our girls to think about. You have THEM to live for..."
And I have been living for them ever since. WIthout them I honestly dont know where Id be. They are my world, my air, my everything. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I wouldnt trade it for anything EVER. If anything ever happened to my kids, I honestly dont think that i could go on. It would kill me and Id fail to function as a human being.
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 18, I didnt even realize that the symptoms I had been having werent, in fact, the FLU, but it was morning sickness...BAD.
For a while, Id wake up with my husband, help him get ready for work and as he left, curl up and go back to sleep because Id be SO tired but I thought it was just because I was sick...
Id wake up SPRINTING to the bathroom to HURL anything that I had eaten while I was helping my husband get ready for work and I just couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with me...There was a time that me and my husband went to Subway to eat...I walked into the place and almost hurled right there because of the smell in there. I couldnt handle it.
We left and went somewhere else.
I had skipped my periods but didnt really dawn on me because from the day that I started *GETTING* my period, I had always been massively irregular. But, something told me to walk to CVS and grab a test...Within SECONDS of taking the test, the little pink "+" sign showed up. I was shocked....And had no idea how far along I was because I didnt even really remember when my last period had been before that.
Whats funny is that the moment I found out that i was pregnant, I stopped having the morning sickness...the nausea...the sore tits. Mind boggling.
I dont really remember going to my first doctors appt. I dont remember finding out how far along I was, but I remember going to my first ultrasound and seeing the baby...I was 12 weeks along......I had no idea what that meant.
Around 26 weeks I started having contractions and ended up in and out of the hospital several times before delivering my daughter at 31 weeks on October 30th, 1995 @ 2:50 in the afternoon. She weighed a teeny 4 lbs 5 ounces and was barely 16 inches long.
While I was going through all of that, alls I kept hearing was all this information about complications...issues that the baby might have if she were born this early...birth defects...long term health issues that could arise...I willed her to stay in longer...Prayed that shed be healthy. And she was.
I have been told that had I gone full term with her, she would have been HUGE.
I had no clue about breastfeeding and really didn't have the chance to do it because she was in the NICU for one day shy of 3 weeks and I wasn't able to see her everyday because she was in a hospital 2 hours away from us.
When she came home, it was a wonderful day. I had pretty much given up on breastfeeding at this point.
With my son, I knew a little bit more because prior to getting pregnant with him, the internet had just arrived...AOL was the newest thing...I researched the FUCK out of EVERYTHING....how to get pregnant...how to stay pregnant....how to get pregnant with a boy...(my husband now had, in addition to my daughter, three other daughters and he wanted a boy)...and all kinds of other things...
We got pregnant again before I got pregnant with my son, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and had to have a D&E to remove the "products of conception" because the baby had died inside me and my body wasnt discarding it like it should have.
I was devastated. Heartbroken...literally so sad that I could barely go to see one of my best friends in the hospital when she had her son because she had him right around the time that I would have been due...But I went anyway...
6 months later, on Valentines day, we got pregnant with my son, who just turned 13. The pregnancy I had with him was a little different but not by much.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely by surprise. I called my husband at work and told him that I was frustrated that I hadnt gotten my period yet (thinking that my periods had gone back to being irregular because we had been trying to get pregnant and couldnt if i wasnt getting my period)...He told me to call the doctor to get Provera to jump start my periods like I had before, before saying that I should go get a test to make sure I wasnt pregnant.
I told him that I really didnt think that I was pregnant but Id go to the store and get one anyway.
I went home, put my daughter down for a nap, and took the test...Again, within seconds, as I was putting the drops into the test, it was showing positive...
I was excited but scared out of my WITS because of what had happened with the previous pregnancy. I called my husband and then my doctor to set up an appt to come in immediately since I wanted to make sure the baby was ok...
I found out I was only 4 weeks along and was due November 3rd, 1999. The pregnancy was a breeze pretty much, with the exception of being tired and hot. (I was pregnant through the summer).
The pregnancy was going fine until I was about 28 weeks. I was staying with my mother at the time because, as usual, my husband was in jail....AGAIN. I went to her doorway of her room and said that I thought i might be in labor and she told me to call my doc, after asking how far along i was. (WTF?! she should have known that!)
My doctor told me to come in and when i got to the hospital, they checked me and found that i was 4 cms dilated.
That was the beginning of weeks of bedrest in the hospital...mag sulfate treatments...breathene shots...painful hip issues...physical therapy because I was on bedrest unable to get up...lots and lots o tests and ultrasounds...all the while listening to my mother scream at me on the other end of the phone because she had to take care of my daughter while I was dealing with everything. She kept asking me when they were going to let me come home.
It was a mess.
I had him at 36 weeks, in October 1999. Almost exactly 4 yrs to the day after having my oldest daughter.
Breastfeeding with my son would have gone REALLY well if I had had support, encouragement and help. But, I didn't. My mother was against breastfeeding. Thought it was disgusting and stupid...So, I caved and went to formula after a few weeks because I couldn't handle the berating and insults anymore.
In May of 2001, I found out that I was pregnant again by accident. It was a really bad time to have gotten pregnant because I had just filed for divorce from my oldest twos father and was in a bad place in my life...It was scary and I was in shock because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant again...at least not at that time. My now EX husband was not the father and I was super freaked out and scared...I had switched birth control pills because I had been bleeding for a solid month and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My doctor put me on a different birth control but something happened and I got pregnant.
However scared I was, the pregnancy was beautiful...No issues, no morning sickness, no sore breasts, nothing. I sailed through the pregnancy like a dream...Until i started going into labor at 24 weeks. Thats when they put me on this medication called Procardia and it was the MOST fantastic thing in the world because it stopped EVERY stitch of preterm labor...I had to take it every 3 hours and make sure to drink lots of water.
I made it to 35/37 weeks (depending on who you ask...*I* thought that because a previous doctor told me I was 2 weeks later then the docs I was seeing at the time, I said i was 37, *THEY* said I was 35...but, eh, whatevs.) with her. She was born in December of 2002.
She really is a beautiful miracle and I thank the Goddess every single day for her because getting pregnant with her woke me up and got me out of a really shitty situation.
She ended up having GERD so breastfeeding her was a pain in the behind but I was still able to pump and put my breast milk in with her formula.
9 months later I got pregnant with Holli. My pregnancy with her was fantastic, aside from a couple of early scares. At 6 weeks, I had started to bleed and thought i was having another miscarriage and told Cameron (my second husband)...He rushed me to the hospital....Turns out that the baby was fine...Good strong little heartbeat. My placenta had a little blood bubble behind it and thats where the blood was coming from...
After that, I called my family practitioner and told him that I was pregnant again and wanted to be put back on the Procardia to avoid any preterm complications. I knew I had time because my body would try to start going into labor between 27-28 weeks pregnant. I wanted to get a jump start.
She was born in June 2004 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was my biggest and the furthest Id made it with very very few complications.
My youngest child, was conceived when Holli was exactly 1 yr old. I found out on July 4th, 2005 that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed but scared because Cameron kept saying that we couldnt afford another baby although we werent exactly trying to prevent a pregnancy if it happened.
The pregnancy up until I was 28 weeks along was awesome. NO morning sickness...No pain...No sore tits. I adored being pregnant with her. Was really energetic, happy, overjoyed...
Until that December when we lost Cameron from a car accident.
After that I really dont remember much as far as the pregnancy because I was in SUCH a deep deep mourning that I just kinda blurred everything in my life.
Julia was born February 21, 2006 after 37 weeks 6 days of pregnancy. The labor was awful, painful and I almost died.
She wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding and I was in such a depression and mourning from having lost Cameron that it didnt matter to me. Formula was fine and easier...
It didnt stop me from bonding incredibly hard with her. Shes my little hip attachment and will just sit or snuggle with me for hours on end..will come in and give me lots and lots of kisses for no reason...I call her "my last gift from Cameron"...
Being a mom is the most amazing thing to me and I live for my children. When Cameron died, I wanted to die too and would have. With the exception of the fact that one day I was sitting at his grave, telling him I didnt know how I was going to live without him. And how I wanted to die too so that I could be with him.
Clear as a bell I heard his voice say to me "Dont you dare. You have our girls to think about. You have THEM to live for..."
And I have been living for them ever since. WIthout them I honestly dont know where Id be. They are my world, my air, my everything. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I wouldnt trade it for anything EVER. If anything ever happened to my kids, I honestly dont think that i could go on. It would kill me and Id fail to function as a human being.
October 02, 2012
Creativity in my World...
Speaking with someone earlier today through email, he responds to something I had said previously in an email to him. He said:
"Absofreakinglutely is not a word."
To which I responded "It is in *MY* world."
And it got me to thinking. In my world, there are tons of words and situations that I have created and live in, both on my own or with friends that I use on a continual basis.
Awesometastic and Fantabulous are two of the words I use the most...
In my world, there are times when I just want to squish my cat (which just means to lay and snuggle him and feel his fur on my face and in between my fingertips. He lets me do it because he has been in my world since the day he was born and is used to being handled and touched and cuddled.),
In my world, there are times that I just want to listen to music and dance and sing around my living room, pretending Im the rock star on stage that Ive always wanted to be...
In my world, there are times that Im quiet, when I just want to sit on my couch, watch Law and Order:SVU on netflix and knit...There are times, where I get a spurt of excessive energy and I get the girls ready and bolt out the door to do something spontaneous like going to Newport to walk Cliff walk or go apple picking, or go to the craft store to get craft stuff to make things, or go to the beach and just watch the ocean and listen to the waves...I have many many aspects to myself.
In my world, there are times that I just feel like doing my hair and make up for no reason but still stay in sweats and dont go anywhere. There are times that I also get dressed up just because I want to.
I take pictures like crazy and sometimes like to do shoots of myself, just so that when Im old and decrepit, I can look back and say "DAYUM, I was a hottie." In addition to if something were to ever happen to me, my girls will have a shit ton of pictures to look at and remember me, like we have of their Daddy.
I love to write...Blogs, poetry and the like...When Im writing, the girls know to be quiet and not disturb me. They know that its important to me and know that I use it to express myself. Its the same way with painting and cooking too. Its cathartic to me, relaxing, almost meditative and therapeutic.
Mostly, Im a homebody. I stay home, relaxing, chilling around the house. Unless the girls aren't here. Then I usually am out and about, whether its getting my nails done or treating myself to Sushi or a little mexican place called Cilantro (MY meal alone is at LEAST $11 when I go so its a little to expensive to bring the girls, so its something I only go to when they're not here) But its not often. Even when they aren't here, I sit around the house. Just relaxing and listening to the silence.
Ive found that as I age, Im past the "partying" stage of life. Sure, Ill go out to karaoke or even to Mardi Gras (a club here in Rhode Island) but normally, Im leaving by midnight, coming home, getting out of my "party clothes" and just sitting in front of my computer...I guess mainly because Id rather deal with people on the internet, then being hit on, grabbed, groped and pawed at when I go out.
Ive realized that I have a personal space that when others touch me, I cringe or move. Unless I know you and am close to you, DONT TOUCH ME.
I was at work a couple of weeks ago. A coworker and I got into it. My boss came up and was trying to get us to make up....We did but then he forced us into a hug...I was like "oh, oh, personal space invaded!"
I felt really awkward.
In my world, Im a complicated, never know what you're going to get kinda chick.
I say chick and dude and groovy. I make up words because I can. Im a home body, a somewhat party girl when the girls aren't home...A quiet, rambunctious, moody, DONT-touch-me-unless-i-know-you kinda girl...I love Halloween and sometimes I feel like a little kid playing with my mothers make up. Sometimes I dont feel like a grown up and feel like any moment, my mother will walk in and say to go to bed or school or whatever...
Thats just a little bit of what my world is like.
"Absofreakinglutely is not a word."
To which I responded "It is in *MY* world."
And it got me to thinking. In my world, there are tons of words and situations that I have created and live in, both on my own or with friends that I use on a continual basis.
Awesometastic and Fantabulous are two of the words I use the most...
In my world, there are times when I just want to squish my cat (which just means to lay and snuggle him and feel his fur on my face and in between my fingertips. He lets me do it because he has been in my world since the day he was born and is used to being handled and touched and cuddled.),
In my world, there are times that I just want to listen to music and dance and sing around my living room, pretending Im the rock star on stage that Ive always wanted to be...
In my world, there are times that Im quiet, when I just want to sit on my couch, watch Law and Order:SVU on netflix and knit...There are times, where I get a spurt of excessive energy and I get the girls ready and bolt out the door to do something spontaneous like going to Newport to walk Cliff walk or go apple picking, or go to the craft store to get craft stuff to make things, or go to the beach and just watch the ocean and listen to the waves...I have many many aspects to myself.
In my world, there are times that I just feel like doing my hair and make up for no reason but still stay in sweats and dont go anywhere. There are times that I also get dressed up just because I want to.
I take pictures like crazy and sometimes like to do shoots of myself, just so that when Im old and decrepit, I can look back and say "DAYUM, I was a hottie." In addition to if something were to ever happen to me, my girls will have a shit ton of pictures to look at and remember me, like we have of their Daddy.
I love to write...Blogs, poetry and the like...When Im writing, the girls know to be quiet and not disturb me. They know that its important to me and know that I use it to express myself. Its the same way with painting and cooking too. Its cathartic to me, relaxing, almost meditative and therapeutic.
Mostly, Im a homebody. I stay home, relaxing, chilling around the house. Unless the girls aren't here. Then I usually am out and about, whether its getting my nails done or treating myself to Sushi or a little mexican place called Cilantro (MY meal alone is at LEAST $11 when I go so its a little to expensive to bring the girls, so its something I only go to when they're not here) But its not often. Even when they aren't here, I sit around the house. Just relaxing and listening to the silence.
Ive found that as I age, Im past the "partying" stage of life. Sure, Ill go out to karaoke or even to Mardi Gras (a club here in Rhode Island) but normally, Im leaving by midnight, coming home, getting out of my "party clothes" and just sitting in front of my computer...I guess mainly because Id rather deal with people on the internet, then being hit on, grabbed, groped and pawed at when I go out.
Ive realized that I have a personal space that when others touch me, I cringe or move. Unless I know you and am close to you, DONT TOUCH ME.
I was at work a couple of weeks ago. A coworker and I got into it. My boss came up and was trying to get us to make up....We did but then he forced us into a hug...I was like "oh, oh, personal space invaded!"
I felt really awkward.
In my world, Im a complicated, never know what you're going to get kinda chick.
I say chick and dude and groovy. I make up words because I can. Im a home body, a somewhat party girl when the girls aren't home...A quiet, rambunctious, moody, DONT-touch-me-unless-i-know-you kinda girl...I love Halloween and sometimes I feel like a little kid playing with my mothers make up. Sometimes I dont feel like a grown up and feel like any moment, my mother will walk in and say to go to bed or school or whatever...
Thats just a little bit of what my world is like.
September 26, 2012
True People and being honest
So, recently I was speaking with someone for a few weeks. Long enough to start exchanging personal information about ourselves...Not things like our social security numbers or where we live and work, but, things like last names and birthdays.
I freely gave him my info (my first and last name and my bday) and asked for his...and he wouldn't tell me without me basically bugging him and saying that the whole point of talking and "getting to know each other" was to learn about each other....he FINALLY (begrudgingly I might add) gave me his last name...after saying that he had "friends in IT and was paranoid"....TWO HUGE red flags....I still dont know his birthday...
So, I blocked him.
I would understand if it was 2 days into our convo I was bugging him about this info, but i wasn't. It was a casual question...He should have known me well enough that I wasn't going to try to stalk him or find his Facebook or google him at this time. Maybe if he had asked ME if we wanted to exchange facebooks, I would have, but he didn't, so I dont go looking for people on my own.
What I dont understand is, the whole point of talking and getting to know someone to turn it into a relationship, WHATEVER kind it happens to be, you should know the basic info about them.
The thing that made me shake my head was the fact that he didn't even live here in New England...he lives in the south. (im not going to divulge..) and would only tell me limited stuff about himself, and its only if i pretty much begged him to...
Sorry, that just throws up red red flags.
Then when I blocked him, he made up another name to email me, asking why I blocked him...
Buddy, if you gotta ask, you're as thick as my pillows on my new couch.
At what point, in any kind of relationship, do you ask for that simple, basic information?
When I was with all of my other serious relationships, regardless of what kind of relationship it was, I knew that info pretty early on. So whats the big deal?
When do YOU think is a good time to exchange BASIC info about yourself with someone?
Im not talking about deep dark secrets from your past...the kind of things you only talk about once you've established that trust that someones not going to hurt you...but, the simple basic first name/last name/birthday/whats-your-favorite-food/color/thing to drink kind of stuff.
WHat do you think?
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