After much soul searching, deliberating, prayers, meditation and all that goes with that, as well as many many revelations of our relationship in the past 6 months, I have decided to give my marriage one more try and work things out...After writing the blog about marital vows on Eddie Montgomery's wife filing for divorce after finding out his cancer diagnosis of her husband, I got to thinking...I do believe that we have both learned some lessons and things as far as relationships are concerned....
For the majority of me and Dave's relationship, I was "ITS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!" when it shouldn't have been. A marriage should never really be one sided...its actually TWO sided....a team effort....and in my eyes, because I was the one who made the majority of the money, whether I was working or not, I felt that it SHOULD have been all about me....but thats not the way a marriage SHOULD be.....
I honestly believed that, because of the fact that in all my life, everyone always tried to tell me WHAT to do and control what I did and how to live MY life and everything else, that when Cameron passed away, I truly didn't want that anymore OR to let ANYONE ever try to tell me what to do again. So, from day one, I told Dave "Im gonna do what I want, when I want and you cant stop me"...and he seemed to be ok with it.....until it started getting to the point where I wasn't even asking if he minded that I do certain things...I would just DO them.
Ultimately, HIS backlash and the fact that even though I was asking for HIS support in things and just EXPECTED that he be there for me, I wasn't supporting HIM in things. Also, another large factor of our marriage starting to fall apart was the fact that we had my ex-best friend and her unruly, spoiled, horrible brats living with us for the majority of our marriage (7 months july-february) and from June 11th til she moved in July 21st, when Dave got home from BCT after being gone for 11 weeks just completely destroyed our first "newlywed" year of marriage. So, in its entirety, we had from March 17th (our wedding date) until March 26th (when he left for BCT) and then from June 11th until July 21st, to bond as a NEWLY married couple...thats not much time...On top of that, every time he and I would be affectionate with each other in front of her or she knew we were intimate the night before in our bedroom,no matter HOW quiet we were, she always just HAPPENED to hear us, she would make horribly snipey comments to us such as "oh get a room" or would make comments about how the "apartment was shaking" when a TRUCK driving by on the road would make the entire building shake...She was extremely bitter and vengeful and you know what they say..."misery loves company" so I guess she figured, since SHE was unhappy, I should be too......It got to the point where she got in the middle of us and started fights between us. She caused an (almost) irreparable rift between us, even trying to cause issues even after Dave moved out...I really believe she was a completely toxic person and no matter what I think about in the future, I will NEVER be friends with her again.
So, Dave and I are back together, trying it again. We went to the courthouse the morning after he came home to file paperwork dismissing the divorce case and living as a married couple again, trying to heal the wounds that had been formed and reconnecting on the marital front.
We have also decided to finally have the "big" dream wedding that Ive always wanted and he actually wants to be a part of it and the planning. We've decided on March 16, 2013.
So, heres to new beginnings, starting over, and having the REAL first year of newlywed marriage start over redo.
December 19, 2010
December 02, 2010
What happened to Marital vows???
I am appalled at the things that some people do now a days. I was just reading an article about how Eddie Montgomery of Montgomery Gentry was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and almost immediately after finding out about it, his wife FILES for divorce because "she cant handle his illness"....
REALLY?!?! What the HELL happened to the "In sickness and in health" part of her vows when she married him???? And whats more is that she will more then likely get half of everything so she more then likely wont ever have to worry about working again and supporting their FOUR children....and one grandchild...
People like this make me sick....Yes, I am divorced. BUT, my divorces had NOTHING to do with sicknesses....My first divorce was because he couldnt keep his behind outta prison....If he HAD been able to, I guarantee we more then likely, probably would still be married(maybe...we were having some major issues but I also think those issues tied in with the legal issues he was having)....
When I married Cameron, and he was in his accident, I slept in a hospital waiting room while seven months pregnant, REFUSING to leave until I knew he was stable....I was there at that hospital EVERY day at EVERY visiting hour willing him to live, holding his hand, loving him, taking care of him with his family.......He broke his pelvis and his right wrist...I would have given my LIFE for him to have woken up and lived...THAT is what "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" in marriage vows truly means.....and this bitch files for divorce because she cant HANDLE his ILLNESS?!?!?! Women like her make me truly truly ill....
I guess I'm having this reaction because what would have been me and Cameron's 6th wedding anniversary is in 2 days....its also the 5th anniversary of his accident...So, seeing news like this, two days before a really rough day for me, PISSES ME OFF....
Oh, yes, and my third divorce....there was abuse...and fighting....and sexual withholding on HIS end...He neglected every need that I had, emotionally and mentally, physically and intellectually...And he broke my trust on many many many levels...If you want to read more, there are more posts about it in my may and june blogs. But I am not going to go into it here...
In sickness and in health must really not apply to "hollywood" couples..."For better or worse" ties in with that too...it really makes me sick how indispensable "hollywood" couples think marriage is...
So, heres to you Mrs.almost-former-eddie-montgomery for being the CUNT of the day.
REALLY?!?! What the HELL happened to the "In sickness and in health" part of her vows when she married him???? And whats more is that she will more then likely get half of everything so she more then likely wont ever have to worry about working again and supporting their FOUR children....and one grandchild...
People like this make me sick....Yes, I am divorced. BUT, my divorces had NOTHING to do with sicknesses....My first divorce was because he couldnt keep his behind outta prison....If he HAD been able to, I guarantee we more then likely, probably would still be married(maybe...we were having some major issues but I also think those issues tied in with the legal issues he was having)....
When I married Cameron, and he was in his accident, I slept in a hospital waiting room while seven months pregnant, REFUSING to leave until I knew he was stable....I was there at that hospital EVERY day at EVERY visiting hour willing him to live, holding his hand, loving him, taking care of him with his family.......He broke his pelvis and his right wrist...I would have given my LIFE for him to have woken up and lived...THAT is what "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" in marriage vows truly means.....and this bitch files for divorce because she cant HANDLE his ILLNESS?!?!?! Women like her make me truly truly ill....
I guess I'm having this reaction because what would have been me and Cameron's 6th wedding anniversary is in 2 days....its also the 5th anniversary of his accident...So, seeing news like this, two days before a really rough day for me, PISSES ME OFF....
Oh, yes, and my third divorce....there was abuse...and fighting....and sexual withholding on HIS end...He neglected every need that I had, emotionally and mentally, physically and intellectually...And he broke my trust on many many many levels...If you want to read more, there are more posts about it in my may and june blogs. But I am not going to go into it here...
In sickness and in health must really not apply to "hollywood" couples..."For better or worse" ties in with that too...it really makes me sick how indispensable "hollywood" couples think marriage is...
So, heres to you Mrs.almost-former-eddie-montgomery for being the CUNT of the day.
December 01, 2010
I spent over an hour in the ER last night.....
Because my Bear cut her foot on the upside down scale that was in the bathroom....Don't ask me how but she did....
She handled it like a trooper too...Took the injury with grace and bravery and even had the thought process to put pressure on it to make it stop bleeding...It really wasnt that bad, but it was decently deep so I took her to the ER just to be on the safe side...
By the time we got to the hospital, it had already started to heal....The soaked it in sterile water for a few minutes to see if it would separate...it didnt...They sterry stripped it, gauzed it and wrapped it and put my poor girl on crutches...
Don't be worried about the look on her face....that was posed....shes having a blast on those crutches...I have to keep telling her to stay OFF her foot...She likes moving around on the crutches...Ahhhhhhh, the joy of being a kid. LOL
And here's her poor foot all (re)wrapped up this morning after Mama cleaned it...
All in all, we were in and out of the ER in around an hour and a half...We came home and all snuggled watching "Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe"..Julia fell asleep on the floor and had to be carried to bed...Lil and Holl laid on the couch with me until the movie was over at midnight...And they STILL were up at flippin dawn.....sheesh!!!
On another note, we put up our tree two days after Thanksgiving...I felt very festive and felt like we should for some reason, put it up now....So we did....She turned out absolutely BEAUTIFUL this year....
Here's WITHOUT lights -
and here's WITH -
I am so proud with the way that she looks...:) and as a friend of mine said when he asked me if my tree was real or "fake", and I replied "its artificial" he said "Thats good, no killing trees and you save money not having to buy a tree every year..."
Yup, my sentiments exactly. Ive had this tree since Cameron's parents bought it for us the second Christmas we were together. I have been adding decorations every year in the shades of red, gold, green and silver...And of course, the angel that Cameron bought me our first Christmas together sits atop it in glorious shining fiber optical lighting...She will continue to sit on top of my tree every year, even when her light dies because it is a precious memory that I have of a very happy Christmas that year.
She handled it like a trooper too...Took the injury with grace and bravery and even had the thought process to put pressure on it to make it stop bleeding...It really wasnt that bad, but it was decently deep so I took her to the ER just to be on the safe side...
By the time we got to the hospital, it had already started to heal....The soaked it in sterile water for a few minutes to see if it would separate...it didnt...They sterry stripped it, gauzed it and wrapped it and put my poor girl on crutches...
Don't be worried about the look on her face....that was posed....shes having a blast on those crutches...I have to keep telling her to stay OFF her foot...She likes moving around on the crutches...Ahhhhhhh, the joy of being a kid. LOL
And here's her poor foot all (re)wrapped up this morning after Mama cleaned it...
All in all, we were in and out of the ER in around an hour and a half...We came home and all snuggled watching "Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe"..Julia fell asleep on the floor and had to be carried to bed...Lil and Holl laid on the couch with me until the movie was over at midnight...And they STILL were up at flippin dawn.....sheesh!!!
On another note, we put up our tree two days after Thanksgiving...I felt very festive and felt like we should for some reason, put it up now....So we did....She turned out absolutely BEAUTIFUL this year....
Here's WITHOUT lights -
and here's WITH -
I am so proud with the way that she looks...:) and as a friend of mine said when he asked me if my tree was real or "fake", and I replied "its artificial" he said "Thats good, no killing trees and you save money not having to buy a tree every year..."
Yup, my sentiments exactly. Ive had this tree since Cameron's parents bought it for us the second Christmas we were together. I have been adding decorations every year in the shades of red, gold, green and silver...And of course, the angel that Cameron bought me our first Christmas together sits atop it in glorious shining fiber optical lighting...She will continue to sit on top of my tree every year, even when her light dies because it is a precious memory that I have of a very happy Christmas that year.
November 28, 2010
Gotta love public schools...
So, I just got validation on home schooling my children today as I was watching a video of a family that I follow on youtube....The son is in 2nd grade (hes the same age as Lilia) and didnt know that 5+3 = 8....he said it was nine...even though he had a $5 bill and three $1 dollar bills sitting right in front of him....His father counted them for him.............GOTTA LOVE PUBLIC SCHOOLS!!!!!!!!!!! (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!)
Seriously, I feel complete vindication on this now....I also found this awesome article entitled: "Don't underestimate Your Value as a Mother" in which a homeschooling mother talks about what a mother has to offer her children if she homeschools and I completely agree with every point she has to say:
1. You will be giving your child attention from someone who truly cares about their success beyond passing an arbitrary test.
I absolutely believe this...I dont test my children, giving them undue stress and fear that they "HAVE" to pass or get a good grade...I can tell from their progress if they are "getting" a topic or not...
2. Your kids will be learning at their own pace. You will learn how to gage their progress and move slower or faster based on their needs.
Again, I agree...I tell them both every day not to try to compete with each other because this one is doing that or that one is doing this....They are their own person and they will learn at their own paces...When they get something, we move on faster...if they dont, we stay on it longer...theres no time limit in home schooling...
3. You will be looking out for their best interest rather than trying to do what is best for the whole group.
Absolutely I do.
4. You will be helping them to make positive memories surrounding learning activities.
Lilia has told me on more then one occasion that she loves the time we spend together in homeschooling and how I teach her...:-) Thats validation in and of itself right there.
5. You will provide them with a low stress learning environment including a balanced view on life, work and play.
Yup...Not every day is book work...not everyday is sitting at a desk/table with their noses stuck in a book...Every day is something new...whether its teaching them grocery shopping, or doing laundry, or even cooking (Lilia can cook many things that a non homeschooled child can cook, I guarantee), I am always teaching them something...When we're out driving, we talk about nature (science) or the surroundings around us (Social Studies) and government (History)....These I believe are low stress...and they love it...
6. You will be there to give them guidance as problems arise.
As I said earlier...if they dont seem to be getting something, we stay on it longer...and if I dont have the answers myself, I seek them out...
7. Your kids will have time to be a kid.
Something I tell them every single day..."BE a KID! One day you'll grow up WISHING that you had this time back...."....Being home-schooled, they aren't subjected to school violence, bullying, teen pregnancy and drugs...they are home, safe and sound in a home whose mother tries everything in her power to protect them from even violence on TV.
8. You will be there to love them. They may even see the sacrifice that you make in your personal life to provide them with an education.
I don't personally feel that I make sacrifices in my personal life to home-school them. I honestly feel very rewarded when I see my girls excel at a math problem, or help each other with their work...Home schooling is rewarding for us and I honestly feel like its the way things should be....Having been on both sides of the coin (home-schooled AND public school) I honestly believe that homeschooling is more rewarding more beneficial...Its a known fact that home-schooled children excel in life faster, and are better educated then public schooled children because public school is behind because they have SO many children to teach...and if certain kids dont "GET" it or just dont excel, they're held BACK and made to feel badly...Thats just wrong...I was in kindergarten twice...Why I'm not exactly sure....they said it was because of my age but all my life, I swear that it was something else and no one ever told me why...When I was in 6th grade, because I was having so many personal at HOME problems, I nearly flunked out and my mother berated me....I HATED school...Then, in tenth grade, I went some where that homeschooling was taught....I loved it...I excelled!!! For the first time in my life, I was getting straight A's and B's!!!I flew through 10, 11th and most of 12th in two years, 3 months. I loved it....
One question that I get asked a lot is how my children are socialized...Well, with my family down in NJ that is EXTREMELY well known in Mullica Hill and has connections and friends and associates and such ALL OVER the county, and go to church EVERY Sunday, as well as friends here that are children of MY friends that have play dates together, Socialization is NOT an issue for them....My children have EXTREMELY good manners, say please and thank you, ask to be excused from the table and put their plates in the sink when they are finished...They have none of the bad manners that most children (and i say MOST not all) their age have from public school...
What helps me in this endeavor is that friends of my in-laws have home-schooled ALL of their children and they see how well rounded their children are. My in-laws help when my girls are down there and support my decision to home-school...
To read the complete article that I quoted above go here: http://www.homeschooljungle.com/2010/10/dont-underestimate-your-value-as-a-mother/
I adore her posts and read them often.
Seriously, I feel complete vindication on this now....I also found this awesome article entitled: "Don't underestimate Your Value as a Mother" in which a homeschooling mother talks about what a mother has to offer her children if she homeschools and I completely agree with every point she has to say:
1. You will be giving your child attention from someone who truly cares about their success beyond passing an arbitrary test.
I absolutely believe this...I dont test my children, giving them undue stress and fear that they "HAVE" to pass or get a good grade...I can tell from their progress if they are "getting" a topic or not...
2. Your kids will be learning at their own pace. You will learn how to gage their progress and move slower or faster based on their needs.
Again, I agree...I tell them both every day not to try to compete with each other because this one is doing that or that one is doing this....They are their own person and they will learn at their own paces...When they get something, we move on faster...if they dont, we stay on it longer...theres no time limit in home schooling...
3. You will be looking out for their best interest rather than trying to do what is best for the whole group.
Absolutely I do.
4. You will be helping them to make positive memories surrounding learning activities.
Lilia has told me on more then one occasion that she loves the time we spend together in homeschooling and how I teach her...:-) Thats validation in and of itself right there.
5. You will provide them with a low stress learning environment including a balanced view on life, work and play.
Yup...Not every day is book work...not everyday is sitting at a desk/table with their noses stuck in a book...Every day is something new...whether its teaching them grocery shopping, or doing laundry, or even cooking (Lilia can cook many things that a non homeschooled child can cook, I guarantee), I am always teaching them something...When we're out driving, we talk about nature (science) or the surroundings around us (Social Studies) and government (History)....These I believe are low stress...and they love it...
6. You will be there to give them guidance as problems arise.
As I said earlier...if they dont seem to be getting something, we stay on it longer...and if I dont have the answers myself, I seek them out...
7. Your kids will have time to be a kid.
Something I tell them every single day..."BE a KID! One day you'll grow up WISHING that you had this time back...."....Being home-schooled, they aren't subjected to school violence, bullying, teen pregnancy and drugs...they are home, safe and sound in a home whose mother tries everything in her power to protect them from even violence on TV.
8. You will be there to love them. They may even see the sacrifice that you make in your personal life to provide them with an education.
I don't personally feel that I make sacrifices in my personal life to home-school them. I honestly feel very rewarded when I see my girls excel at a math problem, or help each other with their work...Home schooling is rewarding for us and I honestly feel like its the way things should be....Having been on both sides of the coin (home-schooled AND public school) I honestly believe that homeschooling is more rewarding more beneficial...Its a known fact that home-schooled children excel in life faster, and are better educated then public schooled children because public school is behind because they have SO many children to teach...and if certain kids dont "GET" it or just dont excel, they're held BACK and made to feel badly...Thats just wrong...I was in kindergarten twice...Why I'm not exactly sure....they said it was because of my age but all my life, I swear that it was something else and no one ever told me why...When I was in 6th grade, because I was having so many personal at HOME problems, I nearly flunked out and my mother berated me....I HATED school...Then, in tenth grade, I went some where that homeschooling was taught....I loved it...I excelled!!! For the first time in my life, I was getting straight A's and B's!!!I flew through 10, 11th and most of 12th in two years, 3 months. I loved it....
One question that I get asked a lot is how my children are socialized...Well, with my family down in NJ that is EXTREMELY well known in Mullica Hill and has connections and friends and associates and such ALL OVER the county, and go to church EVERY Sunday, as well as friends here that are children of MY friends that have play dates together, Socialization is NOT an issue for them....My children have EXTREMELY good manners, say please and thank you, ask to be excused from the table and put their plates in the sink when they are finished...They have none of the bad manners that most children (and i say MOST not all) their age have from public school...
What helps me in this endeavor is that friends of my in-laws have home-schooled ALL of their children and they see how well rounded their children are. My in-laws help when my girls are down there and support my decision to home-school...
To read the complete article that I quoted above go here: http://www.homeschooljungle.com/2010/10/dont-underestimate-your-value-as-a-mother/
I adore her posts and read them often.
November 23, 2010
Stuff About Me...
I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant...
I'm the girl who says,"Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you...
I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you...
I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me...
I'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public... most of the time
I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have...
I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.
I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...
I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.....
I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a
word...
I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair
I'm the girl that loves to snuggle in your arms at night even if we dont make love...
I'm the girl that will do all kinds of sweet things for you without wanting anything in return...
I'm the girl who won’t fall asleep during long car rides and will stay awake so we can talk about anything under the sun....
I believe in love at first site...
I believe that things should come naturally in a relationship...anything that comes out of force isn’t good...
When it comes to things in the past, let them stay buried...they are in the past for a reason...Ill tell you about them if i want you to know...and if i trust you enough to know....
I believe that the man and woman are equals in a relationship...
I believe in reincarnation and that we all come back in the life we're in until we get it right....
I believe that when we die, we become one with the universe, the elements, the grass the sky the birds etc...
I dont believe in Heaven or Hell
I dont believe there is a Satan or Devil or evil...
I believe you should be able to live your life how YOU want to live it, not how anyone else thinks you should live it...
Being romantic and bringing me ONE of my favorite flowers, not a whole dozen...will win my heart more then the dozen will...I prefer simplicity with some things....**HINT** my favorite flowers are Calla Lilies
Open the door for me occasionally...I may believe we're equals but dammit, sometimes I like that...I'll let you know when i want it...
Wake me gently with kisses all over my face and play with my hair....
Cook me a meal with all your heart...doesn’t matter if its French toast, bacon and eggs or just a cheese sandwich….Ill appreciate it so much more knowing you cooked/made it FOR me...
Hold me in your arms and kiss me gently on the forehead while we sit on the couch watching movies...
Just because I kiss and nuzzle and want a hug, DOESNT mean i want sex all the time...if it happens to LEAD to that, that’s fine but sometimes i just need affection....
Hold my hand while we're driving...It makes me happy to know you’re there with me..
Laugh at my corny goofiness even when its not that funny to you...that makes me feel like you support me even when you dont understand the joke
Be there for me when i need to cry even if you're uncomfortable with it...sometimes i just need someone to hold me and tell me "everything will be ok..." even if you arent sure it will be...
Go for walks with me just to talk...i love the togetherness
I love fall...i love the changing colors, the weather, the smell in the air
I love spring...new life starting, the trees starting to bloom....the weather, the smell in the air
I love to sing...singing is my release from stress, being upset etc...When i tell you i need to sing, its cause i need to release something pent up inside...
I write poems, songs and short stories....and they are really good
I paint...
I am a very positive person...I try not to bring negativity into my home and all negative people and things and happenings are prohibited here...
I am generally a very happy person...
I love all my friends with all my heart and am appreciative of all of them
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant...
I'm the girl who says,"Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you...
I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you...
I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me...
I'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public... most of the time
I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have...
I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.
I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...
I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.....
I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a
word...
I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair
I'm the girl that loves to snuggle in your arms at night even if we dont make love...
I'm the girl that will do all kinds of sweet things for you without wanting anything in return...
I'm the girl who won’t fall asleep during long car rides and will stay awake so we can talk about anything under the sun....
I believe in love at first site...
I believe that things should come naturally in a relationship...anything that comes out of force isn’t good...
When it comes to things in the past, let them stay buried...they are in the past for a reason...Ill tell you about them if i want you to know...and if i trust you enough to know....
I believe that the man and woman are equals in a relationship...
I believe in reincarnation and that we all come back in the life we're in until we get it right....
I believe that when we die, we become one with the universe, the elements, the grass the sky the birds etc...
I dont believe in Heaven or Hell
I dont believe there is a Satan or Devil or evil...
I believe you should be able to live your life how YOU want to live it, not how anyone else thinks you should live it...
Being romantic and bringing me ONE of my favorite flowers, not a whole dozen...will win my heart more then the dozen will...I prefer simplicity with some things....**HINT** my favorite flowers are Calla Lilies
Open the door for me occasionally...I may believe we're equals but dammit, sometimes I like that...I'll let you know when i want it...
Wake me gently with kisses all over my face and play with my hair....
Cook me a meal with all your heart...doesn’t matter if its French toast, bacon and eggs or just a cheese sandwich….Ill appreciate it so much more knowing you cooked/made it FOR me...
Hold me in your arms and kiss me gently on the forehead while we sit on the couch watching movies...
Just because I kiss and nuzzle and want a hug, DOESNT mean i want sex all the time...if it happens to LEAD to that, that’s fine but sometimes i just need affection....
Hold my hand while we're driving...It makes me happy to know you’re there with me..
Laugh at my corny goofiness even when its not that funny to you...that makes me feel like you support me even when you dont understand the joke
Be there for me when i need to cry even if you're uncomfortable with it...sometimes i just need someone to hold me and tell me "everything will be ok..." even if you arent sure it will be...
Go for walks with me just to talk...i love the togetherness
I love fall...i love the changing colors, the weather, the smell in the air
I love spring...new life starting, the trees starting to bloom....the weather, the smell in the air
I love to sing...singing is my release from stress, being upset etc...When i tell you i need to sing, its cause i need to release something pent up inside...
I write poems, songs and short stories....and they are really good
I paint...
I am a very positive person...I try not to bring negativity into my home and all negative people and things and happenings are prohibited here...
I am generally a very happy person...
I love all my friends with all my heart and am appreciative of all of them
November 18, 2010
One week from today...
Is Thanksgiving...I have damn near everything that Im going to need for it and Im wicked excited. I have friends coming over for it and like last year, it will really feel awesome to have people to cook for BESIDES my girls that will actually eat it...I figured out how I'm going to cook everything to....Ham in at 11:00, out at 1:00 PM Turkey in immediately after out at 4 to allow to cool (so I don't burn my fingers cutting it) then between 4 and 5 cooking anything that needs to be cooked....I never understood the whole thing behind why people have thanksgiving dinners in the middle of the day...Growing up, dinners were always at 3 PM....Really!?? WHY?!? Because I don't know about the rest of the world but WE eat dinner at 5 to 6 PM most nights...WHY would I change it to 3 PM for one day??? Its bizarre....
Yes, we snack...I always put out pepperoni, cheese, crackers, and a veggie tray to "snick snack" on, but we don't eat until 5 PM...I never understood the whole early day thing...if someone can explain it to me, Id be happy to listen.
November 16, 2010
One month from today......
Will be two days after the 5th anniversary of Cameron's death....today is one month to the day of having the autopsy done on his beat up body...Its around this time every year that I get melancholy, sad.... forlorn and in mourning and grief...I distinctly remember him telling me many times when we would be fighting and I would be crying..."Babe, don't cry...I'm not worth crying over........" But, I cant help it.......
Sometimes, still to this day, the girls will do something cute/sweet/adorable/what-have-you and the first thing I think to myself is..."I want to call Cam.........Oh, wait a minute...." and I remember...But, then I also think in the very next thought how he's always with us....or his family....Whatever he's doing on the other side, I KNOW he's watching over us...coming for visits...I know because I feel his presence...it doesn't matter how long hes gone....When he's here, our souls connect...I dream about him, feel him.......can almost feel him standing behind me in just pure split seconds of moments...Other times, I still feel moments where I feel like hes just off somewhere, doing his thing and that he'll walk in the door at any second....Ill hear certain things and think is him, see his face in other people...our girls.....and I DESPERATELY want to have him in my arms again........
And I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I still love him. I will NEVER be able to let him go. I feel almost as if, if I let him go, it will be like, I'm forgetting him, not honoring him, remembering him...Almost 5 years later and I'm still devastated by this whole thing....still miss him terribly...Still have his pictures everywhere...I know I remarried and all, and I know that I spent a large chunk of the last 4 years with that person.......but, I never moved on from him. And I never will. I miss him, I still love him...there is no way that I will ever stop. Ever.
This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure and it being 5 years later and I'm still not "over" it.......is surprising.......though, I have to admit that I'm a lot further then I thought I would be. I thought for sure that I would be "over" it in a short time, just like I was over everything else in my life that has ever happened to me..........Not this....I will never completely be over him....Better, but not over. Always in love with him...
So, Je T'aime Mon Cheri, Forever and Always...Now and forever....Where ever you are.........I miss you...
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