One month from today......

Will be two days after the 5th anniversary of Cameron's death....today is one month to the day of having the autopsy done on his beat up body...Its around this time every year that I get melancholy, sad.... forlorn and in mourning and grief...I distinctly remember him telling me many times when we would be fighting and I would be crying..."Babe, don't cry...I'm not worth crying over........" But, I cant help it.......

Sometimes, still to this day, the girls will do something cute/sweet/adorable/what-have-you and the first thing I think to myself is..."I want to call Cam.........Oh, wait a minute...." and I remember...But, then I also think in the very next thought how he's always with us....or his family....Whatever he's doing on the other side, I KNOW he's watching over us...coming for visits...I know because I feel his presence...it doesn't matter how long hes gone....When he's here, our souls connect...I dream about him, feel him.......can almost feel him standing behind me in just pure split seconds of moments...Other times, I still feel moments where I feel like hes just off somewhere, doing his thing and that he'll walk in the door at any second....Ill hear certain things and think is him, see his face in other people...our girls.....and I DESPERATELY want to have him in my arms again........

And I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I still love him. I will NEVER be able to let him go. I feel almost as if, if I let him go, it will be like, I'm forgetting him, not honoring him, remembering him...Almost 5 years later and I'm still devastated by this whole thing....still miss him terribly...Still have his pictures everywhere...I know I remarried and all, and I know that I spent a large chunk of the last 4 years with that person.......but, I never moved on from him. And I never will. I miss him, I still love him...there is no way that I will ever stop. Ever.

This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure and it being 5 years later and I'm still not "over" it.......is surprising.......though, I have to admit that I'm a lot further then I thought I would be. I thought for sure that I would be "over" it in a short time, just like I was over everything else in my life that has ever happened to me..........Not this....I will never completely be over him....Better, but not over. Always in love with him...

So, Je T'aime Mon Cheri, Forever and Always...Now and forever....Where ever you are.........I miss you...