My girls and extracurricular activities...

So, we spoke to my two oldest today and found out that they really want to start doing extracurricular activities. Holli wants to do gymnastics and hockey and Lilia wants to do singing, art classes and ballet. On top of that, they'll have homeschool and Dave will have work and Ill have whatever functions that I have to do for hair and make up...Once Julia decides what she wants to do later on (she hasn't really shown any interest in anything aside from playing with toys and watching sprout), I have a feeling that we're going to be one of those families who have to have one of those huge calenders to write stuff on...in addition to the Spiral Scouts they want to do...

Goddess have mercy on me, Im gonna be exhausted.

"Why dont you smile more?"

People always tell me that I have a gorgeous smile...smiling is hard for me. I'm really generally a very happy person...I just don't smile a lot...I generally reserve my smiles for something genuine. I smile and laugh at my girls...I smile when Dave does or says something funny..........I giggle at shows...if something is really funny, I'll chuckle. I don't remember the last time that Ive laughed until Ive cried...

Smiling became harder when Cameron died....the day he died, the sunshine went out in my heart and smiling became fake and forced for a long time, because I had to "put on a brave face" for those around me...Over time, it became harder and harder to smile around people...Even when I am smiling, people can never tell the pain that I have inside me because I hide it so well...You can tell when I'm genuinely smiling because my eyes sparkle.

Most of the time, when you see me smiling in a picture, I've either had a drink or two, or I'm genuinely happy...Even in pictures that I have a huge smile on my face, if you look really closely, you can see the pain behind my eyes...the pain that I haven't completely let out from the pain of the events of my life...Events that I cant even begin to describe here because you wouldn't believe the hell that has been my life up until I lost Cameron.

Sure, Ive had a few VERY minor things happen in my life after that point, but nothing as major as what I went through from the time I was born 'til the time Cameron died...

Even though I have Dave, and my beautiful girls, and I'm genuinely happy, Cameron was the light in my heart that made true smiling and laughing genuine...Even though Ive gotten through all that Ive been through, I still have a lot of unresolved issues from my past that makes it hard to smile sometimes...

Ive been asked "whats going on inside that head of yours?" when I'm sitting quietly, watching people/tv/what-have-you and most of the time, I'm "chasing down my demons" as P!NK says in her song that I quoted in one of my last blogs......trying to squash all that I grew up hearing...everything that I went through...I still feel like a little girl a lot of the time, and especially when people try to step in and tell me how to live my life, what I should do, how I should do it, when I should do it........Its an everyday battle that I deal with. Here I am almost 35 years old and people still continually try to run my life, tell me how to raise my kids, what I should do...I think I've made it pretty far in my almost 35 years....I really dont understand why people cant just accept the way that I am and the way that I am going to live my life...

Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent that I don't mean to get on...I'm a really private person. I don't spout my personal business online on any social medias. When my online friends ask me whats wrong, I tend to tell them nothing, keeping most of it reserved for those that I can trust...and, I guess that is another reason why I don't really smile around people for that very reason.

Why I dont really go "out" anymore...

Honestly, I have had a few people ask me why I havent been "going out", especially since my girls were gone for almost a month....And now I am going to explain it...

For one thing, my truck is broken down. And, not one to really ask for rides, I just stay home.

Second, after my husband and I got back together, I figured out that I was spending to much time on what *I* wanted and what *I* needed....never really thinking about him or asking HIM what HE wanted...I was being completely and unbelieveably selfish....YOU?! You might say SELFISH?!....Yes....A large part of our relationship, I always told him "Im gonna do what I want, when I want and YOU cant stop me."

Thats not the way a relationship works...Its about communication and compromise....I'm sure that if I wanted to go out by myself, to maybe get some sushi (which he HATES) or something like to see a movie he doesn't want to see, maybe do something that he doesnt care for, ONCE IN A WHILE, he would be fine with it...but honestly, I'm getting to old to do that "partying" thing truly anymore...

I am going to be 35 years old...the thought of going out, being groped, being shoved and molested by pervy drunk college guys NOW gets on my nerves...The last time I went to Mardi Gras in Cranston, I got there at around 9:30 and was leaving by 11:30 because it.was.PACKED. And I was getting tired of getting shoved, pushed yada yada...

Not to mention the fact that after I added it up, the cost just didnt make sense to me...I would rather take all the money I would be spending on getting into a club and getting drinks, on, MAKE UP, or, tattoos, or, my childrens needs...of course, they come first...I tallied it up and this is what I come up with:

Cover to get in - $4-$20 (in Philly, the clubs, on a Saturday night, NORMALLY charge $20 cover to get IN the door)

Average price of a drink - $4-$10 (depending on what you get)

Figure out, 6-7 (or 8) drinks a night, at even $5 a pop, its $30-$35 JUST FOR DRINKS...then, figure, if someone does this EVERY weekend, Friday AND Saturday night, sometimes even more during the week, figure, 4 nights a week...thats $200 a week....and thats pretty much how much I WAS going out...3 nights tops, but sometimes I DID do 4...I'm exhausted...I'd rather spend that $200 on something else...

I know how much I talk about feeling young, and being young, but honestly...the intelligence part of my brain tells me now "You're going to be 35....what happens if you just HAPPEN to go somewhere, have ONE drink and get pulled over?!?! DUI...that would destroy your family..."....and I'm not the kinda person that will just have one drink...if I'm having dinner, I have at least 2. I'm just NOT willing to take that chance anymore...

No, If I'm going to drink, I get a 12 pack of whatever beer I might feel like having, bring it home, turn on the music and jam with my husband, talking the night away...sometimes thats when we have our best talks.

So, that is my mentality and my thinking on why I don't really go "out" anymore...

P!NK Inspired blog today...

So, P!NK released a couple of new songs recently that I am absolutely in love with. One is called "Raise Your Glass" in which she says:

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
Anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on, and come on, and
Raise your glass
Just come on and come and
Raise Your Glass!

I am so absolutely in love with this song because I am not traditional and fit into every one of those categories in some way shape or form.

And today, the new video for her song "F*cking Perfect!* was released and I am just totally in love with and I love the meaning behind the song in which she talks about on her website. These are the lyrics:

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re f**kin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing

You’re f**kin’ perfect to me
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?


Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, f**kin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re f**kin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, f**king perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re f**king perfect to me


If you havent heard the song, you can by clicking here - http://www.mtv.com/videos/pnk/615116/f-perfect.jhtml#id=1518071

She says on her website:

"Cutting, and suicide, two very different symptoms of the same problem, are gaining on us. (the problem being; alienation and depression. the symptoms; cutting and suicide). I personally don't know a single person who doesn't know at least two of these victims personally. A lot of us have seen certain starlets showing off their latest scars on a red carpet somewhere, usually right before they head back to their favorite rehab.

Its a problem, and its something we should talk about.
We can choose to ignore the problem, and therefore ignore this video, but that won't make it go away.I don't support or encourage suicide or cutting.
I support the kids out there that feel so desperate/numb/powerless, that feel unseen and unheard, and can't see another way.. I want them to know I'm aware. I have been there. I see them. Sometimes that's all it takes.
Making this video was a very emotional experience for me, as was writing this song. I have a life inside of me, and I want her or him to know that I will accept him or her with open and loving and welcoming arms. And though I will prepare this little munchkin for a sometimes cruel world, I will also equip this kid to see all the beauty in it as well. There are good people in this world that are open-minded, and loving. There are those that accept us with all of our flaws. I do that with my fans/friends, and I will do that with my child, whoever they decide to be."

And, I was never a cutter but I did try to commit suicide when I was 14 years old. Because of alot of what she talks about in the song..."Made a wrong turn Once or twice Dug my way out Blood and fire Bad decisions That’s alright Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood Miss “no way it’s all good” It didn’t slow me down Mistaken Always second guessing Underestimated Look, I’m still around"

I was mistreated, misplaced, and definitely misunderstood growing up even into my life now. But, once I really started living my life in a positive way, doing affirmations and telling myself that I was beautiful and smart and talented, it all started to change around for me. I started accepting me for the way that I am. And, honestly, I love P!NK because shes an inspiration to me and even to my girls. The song "Stupid Girls" is something that I sing around the house sometimes and when I talk to my girls, I honestly tell them not to be like the "stupid girls" out there, trying to become what everyone ELSE is trying to be. I tell them to be the ones to strive to be the "girl president" not to be the girls that use their looks to "drop names" and all that. Pink is truly an inspiration.

"Im so glad that Ill never fit in, thatll never be me, outcasts and girls with ambition, THATS WHAT I WANNA SEE"

I LOVE that line and its totally me. Ive never fit in and will continue to be myself and the way that I WANT to be, not what OTHERS want me to be.

Re-commitment/renewal of vow ceremony

So, Ive been wanting to do something special to kind of re-commit or renew my vows to my husband or something...After speaking with a friend of mine on Sunday about it, she suggested that we have a ceremony or dinner or something. So, we are. On March 12th, we are having a handfasting that a friend of mine will be doing for us, and an anniversary party...it was going to be the weekend after but since our anniversary is St. Patrick's Day, alot of my friends are already busy that weekend, we moved it to the weekend before....It will be here since I cant imagine spending $500 at a restaurant and have to worry about getting there (truck is still broken down), the girls getting antsy there, worrying about decorating and all that good stuff. So, Im having it catered and having it here in my home. So, I have alot of planning to do.

I already have a photographer, and possibly a cake (i'm still waiting to hear back from the girl) and since we're having it here, We can just use my computer iTunes for music...I have a huuuuuuge amount of music so there wont be any issue with that. I jut have to worry about getting a dress now, which I have a $300 gift certificate for a place in East providence so Im pretty much getting my dress for free which is awesome. :)

The next thing that I have to worry about is flowers. I want a crap-ton of flowers....all over. So, Im wicked excited about this. Hopefully it will be the beginning of a beautiful new start together after that last tumultuous year.

Time to move again...

so, here i am, sitting at home for a quiet night with the hubby, minding our own business...and i thought i heard something from the next apartment to the effect of "POLICE, SEARCH WARRANT" or something of that matter...

Now, a little back story is that we've lived here for a year next month. nothing like this has happened in this building and everyone pretty much keeps to themselves. i dont know the neighbors this is happening to, but i know they have children and a pet.

a little while later, like, i dunno, maybe 3 or 4 minutes, my neighbor from downstairs that i have started getting to know, knocks on my door. i thought maybe it was her son asking if i have a cigarette for her, which hes done a few times over the last couple of days...

i open the door and its her. she says "do you know next door, theyre bein raided?!" and i said "I THOUGHT i heard something!!! Is that whats going on?"

now, over the summer months, i kept noticing cars coming into the parking lot real late at night (im talking 1,2, 3 am in the morning) and then disappearing after a short while....my suspicions were coming to fruition because it was always different people in different vehicles. i thought they were selling drugs...

i dunno what they are being raided for but i have suspicions its for drugs...

i think its time to move.

Biggest scare of my life in a while

So, today around 11:30 am, my mother in law calls to tell me that they are rushing my middle daughter, Holli, to the hospital because they think shes got appendicitis...obviously, I started freaking out and was thinking about renting a car tomorrow and driving through hail storm and brimstone with the snowstorm and all, just so that I could be by her side. I cant believe how terribly scared to death that I was.

Here I thought, because of what happened to their father 5 years ago, all the positive thinking that went through my mind when he was in the hospital was all for naught because he still ended up dying. I have to admit that most of the morning, I spent crying and praying to the Goddess, God and their father, asking my friends on Facebook to send her energies and pray for her as well....I was worried out of my damn mind, getting ready to pack a bag, and high tail it down to NJ to be with her.

My girls are my life and honestly, I think that my world would end if I lost them in any way shape or form...You can never imagine the thoughts that go through your mind when your child/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend is in the hospital and you cant be with them...I was such a wreck that I spent the day holding her little necklace with a bear charm that I gave her for Yule and her blanket that she sleeps with...its been with me the majority of the day, not leaving my side, and as of 7:45 when I called down there, again, to speak to her, she was fine and dandy, running around and playing, but, still, as I sit here at 12:11 AM writing this blog, I'm still worried and as much as I was worried out of my mind, I honestly think that she had to go potty and was a bit constipated. Cause she was fine, literally, as they walked out of the hospital two hours after she got there and I have yet to get another phone call that they're taking her back. Which is really good. She had no vomiting, no diarrhea, no dehydration, no fever...like most of the symptoms of appendicitis...JUST the stomach cramps....they also ran tests for UTI's and shes perfectly fine. All of her tests came back 100% normal...I just think she was constipated.

BUT, it doesn't scare me any less...I don't like being away from my girls. And had my truck not have broken down New years weekend, they would be home, safe and sound already...and I would have known what was wrong with her just by looking at her. Every time they are down there, I get sick or something else (this time, its my legs and a chronic headache that hasn't gone away, last time in October, I believe that I got sick, and every other time they are down there, i get the sniffles or a cold, or a sore throat or laryngitis)....and they get sick as well...We just arent meant to be separated for this long...

And I thought about letting them stay all summer down there....not a chance, not after this.