People always tell me that I have a gorgeous smile...smiling is hard for me. I'm really generally a very happy person...I just don't smile a lot...I generally reserve my smiles for something genuine. I smile and laugh at my girls...I smile when Dave does or says something funny..........I giggle at shows...if something is really funny, I'll chuckle. I don't remember the last time that Ive laughed until Ive cried...
Smiling became harder when Cameron died....the day he died, the sunshine went out in my heart and smiling became fake and forced for a long time, because I had to "put on a brave face" for those around me...Over time, it became harder and harder to smile around people...Even when I am smiling, people can never tell the pain that I have inside me because I hide it so well...You can tell when I'm genuinely smiling because my eyes sparkle.
Most of the time, when you see me smiling in a picture, I've either had a drink or two, or I'm genuinely happy...Even in pictures that I have a huge smile on my face, if you look really closely, you can see the pain behind my eyes...the pain that I haven't completely let out from the pain of the events of my life...Events that I cant even begin to describe here because you wouldn't believe the hell that has been my life up until I lost Cameron.
Sure, Ive had a few VERY minor things happen in my life after that point, but nothing as major as what I went through from the time I was born 'til the time Cameron died...
Even though I have Dave, and my beautiful girls, and I'm genuinely happy, Cameron was the light in my heart that made true smiling and laughing genuine...Even though Ive gotten through all that Ive been through, I still have a lot of unresolved issues from my past that makes it hard to smile sometimes...
Ive been asked "whats going on inside that head of yours?" when I'm sitting quietly, watching people/tv/what-have-you and most of the time, I'm "chasing down my demons" as P!NK says in her song that I quoted in one of my last blogs......trying to squash all that I grew up hearing...everything that I went through...I still feel like a little girl a lot of the time, and especially when people try to step in and tell me how to live my life, what I should do, how I should do it, when I should do it........Its an everyday battle that I deal with. Here I am almost 35 years old and people still continually try to run my life, tell me how to raise my kids, what I should do...I think I've made it pretty far in my almost 35 years....I really dont understand why people cant just accept the way that I am and the way that I am going to live my life...
Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent that I don't mean to get on...I'm a really private person. I don't spout my personal business online on any social medias. When my online friends ask me whats wrong, I tend to tell them nothing, keeping most of it reserved for those that I can trust...and, I guess that is another reason why I don't really smile around people for that very reason.
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