As I'm coming out of the trenches of a long emotionally abusive hurtful relationship, I'm slowly starting to find myself again...I'm becoming stronger, more confident and am happy with the ME that I am becoming again......HOWEVER.....there's a *FEW* little things weighing heavy on my mind....
Alot of you don't realize whats going on with Dave aside from the little that I have told everyone....and in this blog i describe a little of whats been going on, whats on my mind and whats going on in my redheaded brain of mine.....
1st and foremost - Love.....wow, where do I start with this??? I want a love that was similar to the one that I had with Cameron. Sure, I loved Dave but it wasn't with the same passion....not the same kind of feeling....until he went to BCT and was gone for 11 weeks...i finally started feeling it.......but, then he came home and destroyed it. Every ounce of feeling, of adoration, of pride, of passion and love that had grown inside me during the 11 weeks he was gone was destroyed within a few months time.....The hurt, betrayal and mistrust that I am going through trying to heal my heart is devastating and I really don't know if it can be repaired. I want so desperately to be able to trust people enough to open my heart to TRULY love and BE loved like what i had with Cameron..........Now, don't get me wrong....i KNOW that NOTHING will replace what me and Cameron had...What we had was amazing....blissful....HAPPY....loving....soul mates....there's just NOTHING that can replace it....he was my best friend in the whole world...my lover, my friend, the father of my children....Yes, we may have had our screaming matches, but, just like every couple, that's normal...it was the fire in us both that made us fight like that...........BUT.......we ALWAYS made up with the SAME fire that was in us when we were fighting....there was passion and bliss....and I was undeniably the happiest i have EVER been in my life.......
To find that or have that again would be amazing...blissful even, but, for me to ask for that again from The Gods and Goddesses again???? I feel that would be greedy of me because that love could be for someone else who hasn't HAD it before...Am I saying that I'm not worthy of a love like that again? No, I'm not...I KNOW I'm worthy without a shadow of a doubt...But, sometimes, when i look in the mirror, I wonder..."why would i want to take that love away from someone else who hasn't HAD a love like what me and Cameron shared? I wouldnt...." so I feel like I settle for anything but terrific because I DON'T want to be greedy...Is that strange?
I know I am a fantastic catch but honestly, because of loosing Cameron and then what Dave did to me.........Im SO SCARED....I am honestly truly scared out of my ever loving mind to even think about letting down that guard, opening my heart again for fear of being hurt like that again...
The Second thing weighing heavily on my mind is Trust....I cant trust anybody to not hurt me, to not want to take advantage of me in some way shape or form. Since Cameron passed away, Ive had so MANY people do that to me and honestly, in my eyes, Dave was the last...I honestly cant trust anyone....though Im working on it, its tough. REAL tough....I think that anyone interested in me JUST wants to get into my pants and that be that....and for me, in MY opinion, if you start trying to talk about anything remotely sexual RIGHT from the jump, i think that you cant keep your mind on getting to know ME..........the REAL me....I mean I know that we are all adults and sex IS a LARGE part of adulthood...However........IT IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be the FIRST thing a man and a woman discuss when they either A) first meet (unless its going to be a one night stand thing, OF WHICH, I DONT DO) or B)are on their first date or C) the relationship isnt going to pan out to much more then one or two dates before it fizzles...
I think anyone interested in me wont like/eventually love the REAL me...the me that gets up in the morning and wants NOTHING to do with anyone (except my girls) for at LEAST 45 minutes....the me that wears sweats most of the time (though, since my body change, that's been changing and i've actually been getting DRESSED)...the me that is crabby and angry and moody the week before the period rears its ugly head....the OCD me....The ADHD ULTRA HYPER for NO reason me.........the goof ball me........I cant trust that they really want to get to know the REAL me....and though I DO have people that I KNOW would LOVE to, i cant open my heart and mind to them SIMPLY for the fact of I DONT WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN and i CANT trust them...
And the last thing.........Forgiveness....As previously mentioned, I have been hurt by ALOT of people in the past and I am just going to remain silent on who's who in that equation, however, it has come to my attention (on my own) that in order to TRULY be able to trust the people in the future...........i need to forgive the people in the PAST that have hurt me......And, i am working on it. But, its tough. Will i FORGET the pain they caused me? Nope, more then likely NO. Will i forgive them? well, the jury's still deliberating on that. However....this does NOT mean that I will let these people back into my life to hurt me again. or deceive me again....
This is where I was talking about earlier when I mentioned that I'm becoming much stronger, and more confident...As my muscles grow with strength, so does my mind...i may be timid in some areas, but I am STRONG in others.
As Eminem's Song "Not Afraid" says in the one line "Im NOT AFRAID, To Take a Stand, Everybody, Come Take my hand...."
And Im not........I am taking a stand against being mistreated, hurt or abused anymore.
