Ive had an epiphany...

So, after talking with someone yesterday, it finally dawned on me why I'm still single....its not because all men are pigs, assholes, perverts or anything like that...It has nothing to do with not having anyone interested (believe me, i totally do)...it has nothing to do with men being/not being attractive to me....

it suddenly dawned on me.....

Im fucking scared to death to get hurt again.

Ive been single for 2 yrs...Ive dated a couple of times...had a COUPLE that i thought were gonna go somewhere but ended up REALLY BADLY breaking my heart....truth be told....Im afraid. Im scared to death...And i don't know if I will honestly EVER be ready again to be with anyone....and yes that means sexually as well.

.....Cameron passed away 7.5 yrs ago. In that time, I've been really, badly, incredibly hurt. Ive been taken advantage of...used...betrayed...over and over and over again. Ive had MORE hurt then good times then I can even explain or talk about...

I was with Dave for 4.5 years and that relationship was one giant tumultuous train wreck...several break ups and get-back-togethers....yea that was a MASSIVE friggin' train-wreck...The one before him, though brief, was incredibly abusive...emotionally, not physically...Took advantage of me on MULTIPLE occasions because I was vulnerable after loosing Cameron...

So, because of everything that Ive been through in the last 7 and a half years with relationships, friendships, and otherwise, I just decided that i'm not going to look or be involved with anyone....ever again...Every-time i let down my guard...and start to MAYBE trust.....I get fucked over AGAIN...

its easier on my heart, emotions and psyche.

Everything that Ive been through, relationship wise, friend-wise, family wise has made me really really paranoid, hurt and afraid to ever trust anyone.

Ever.

Im better off alone because i just CANT trust anyone...My fears have made me have anxiety about leaving my house...Its made me have anxiety about people coming over...Its made me have anxiety about trusting everyone I ever come into contact with. Just because of everything I've been through, I feel like because every time something happens, because people may or may not like the way I am, or the way I raise my girls or what-the-fuck-ever, whether they be pissed at me and want to "get back at me" for whatever reason, that they're gonna call the cops, or worse DYFS (and this happened recently and has made my anxiety even worse) and make up REALLY horrendous rumors about me....Really hurtful VERY untrue rumors...

And when I lived in NJ before leaving for RI, these people called DYFS on me FOUR times....for NO good reason....Because they want to cause ME harm and take my girls away from me because they don't like the way I live....Truth be told, I KNEW that when I moved down here, it would happen. I KNEW the second I got a place, and the ones who called got the address, they'd be showing up...And just like the PREVIOUS 4 times they were called, the case will be closed...

And even though the DYFS case is in the process of being closed (talked to the girl today and she said it would be), it still makes it INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust ANYONE....I feel like I need to second guess EVERYTHING i ever do now. I feel like anything i do isnt going to be good enough....And its made me second guess my ability of being a mother....

OR be with anyone....Im not the kind of bitch that needs someone to rescue me...And when shit like what I just mentioned above happens, because of stupid, jealous, controlling people that cant get the fuck out of my life for whatever reason, I feel like the drama will make them bolt...like it has before. So i just don't try...I don't look....I don't WANT to. I don't NEED anyone in my life thats going to try to make me feel worse because of someone ELSES antics...and believe me, the asshole I dated before Dave did that shit...

Everything I go through, it fucks with EVERYTHING as far as my daily living....EVERYTIME i *think* i might be getting better, something ELSE happens to make my anxiety worse and worse......It makes me have severe anxiety so badly that it makes me not WANT to even go out on any dates that I MIGHT be invited out on because I feel like people will think badly of me and think I'm a bad mom because I AM going out on dates.......When someone shows up at the house unexpectedly, it makes me really really nervous...I cant even handle anyone thumping on the walls or floors...I honestly think the people giving me a hard time WANT me to go crazy from their shit so Ill completely give the girls to them....which will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN OVER MY DEAD BODY.

So, yea, Im scared. Im terrified....and I honestly don't think I will EVER truly be ready to EVER have anyone in my life again.

People think Im this really strong bitch. They think that Ive got it all together...When I really really don't.....I don't leave my house unless I ABSOLUTELY have to, like to get groceries. Im content to stay home and not leave my house for any reason...Im scared to death of being hurt again in a relationship, and aside from the VERY few friends that i DO trust in life, i don't make new friends because of everything i just mentioned.

While i don't feel that the way I live is WRONG, other people DO and they make it EXTREMELY difficult for me to live because they keep doing shit like calling DYFS and making me second guess it...

Chapter two of "This is my life"

CHAPTER TWO

Moving to West Collingswood wasn't all that much better of a living situation then we had in that house we lived in before. It was teeny tiny, barely any room, and was an apartment with no backyard. Fortunately, i had a bedroom that i could hide in in the back of the house.

Here we were closer to family. I thought because my cousins were all popular in the high school I would now be going to, I wouldn't have a hard time. Boyyyy, was I REALLY, uberly, totally wrong. Things at home continued to be shitty. Mom still went out. I was still taking care of my brother 24/7.

My memory from this time in my life is really foggy. I have a hard time remembering things. I just remember this time being really complicated and hurtful and painful…and filled with torment from both my mother and bullies at school…My fathers were in and out of my life, as well as my sister and her life that was going on.

i fell into a deep depression and started hanging out with "not so good kids" in school. Started smoking….Still not over the abortion, and with the fact I was now IGNORED at school instead of being bullied, I was more alone then I ever was. I was inside myself. I started writing.

I wrote like a fiend. I wrote with every fiber of my being. And listened to music like it was gonna end the next day…And sang. I sang my heart out, tearfully…heartbrokenly…..I finally couldn't take it anymore.

Nothing was helping.

I remember one time in the first couple of months i was there, I had gotten my period in school unexpectedly. And of course, this is a total embarrassment to a young teenaged girl in a new school. It went all over my pants. I got permission from the office to leave campus to walk home to change and come back because my mother couldn't be bothered to leave work to help her teenaged daughter.

By the time I got back to school, it was my lunch period. I was sitting at the table with my friend Eva when one of the jocks walked up to me with a plate of ketchup. Now, mind you I had no food in front of me because I had eaten at home before walking back to school. He proceeded to throw it down in front of me. I looked at it, looked at him and saw the sneering laughter in his eyes.

I looked at Eva, looked at the jock table and saw them all snickering. I got up and walked off into the bathroom and cried until the end of the period. I spent the rest of the day avoiding my classes and ditching.

Again, it now started again….there were times of being shoved into lockers. Whispers behind me as I walked down the halls. Rumors started about me…..And my cousins did NOTHING.

This was also about the same time that i started meeting boys. Boys that I had crushes on…Boys that I didn't know that I'd say hi to in the hallways because it made my friend Eva giggle with my confidence that I could say hi to them, even though they had NO clue who i was, but i knew who they were.

One thing I always remember is that, even though I was raped, I never looked at that as a thing to make me HATE men. It was something that I kind of just "got over" after a certain amount of time. My mother was apparently raped right before she got pregnant with me and it made her HATE men. Beyond hating.

I wasn't going to let myself turn into that.

One thing I always knew was that I was good with men. I was good with guy friends. I was good at being their friends. I guess honestly, I never did well with women because I thought all of them were bitches and horrible people like my mother, my aunts, my grandmother…They all sat as my mother pulled the wool over their eyes about how she was a "perfect mother" but didn't know about the traumatic nightmares that happened at home to me every time she came home drunk.

So aside from a few girls that I had as friends, who, i can honestly say that werent exactly at that time the BEST influences…I didn't really hook myself up with girls as friends. And Im like that today.

Men have always been an easy thing for me to have as friends…when I was younger, I was never a "serial dater". I always had a stream of steady "boyfriends"….The boy I went to my 8th grade grad dance with….The junior that took me to Homecoming the ONE year i went to high school….and my FIRST true love…

Eric.

He still has my heart. We met at a wedding I was helping my mothers then boyfriend with. He was a photographer and he brought me with him to "teach" me a skill. I was 15…or 16. We locked eyes from across the dance floor and that was it….A little later, during a lull in (photo festivities), he asked me to dance…To "Everything I do, I do it for you." by Brian Adams….I felt butterflies in my heart. My stomach….and I was in love.

The first time I EVER felt love in my heart…Even though I lived in West Collingswood with my mother and he lived in Washington Township with his parents, we were always together. It was a bright spot in my life.

It got me away from the shit storm at home and from the crappy friends i had in school…My life was going awesomely…

Until my mother sent me away to Nikos and I lost contact with Eric…I wasn't allowed to see or talk to him while I was at school. It was devastating to me. I loved him. I know he loved me. We actually secretly were engaged. but when my mother sent me away, it broke us apart. Some years later, we reconnected...and again several years later...only now, hes married...My heart was devastated with that news but now we are friends. But, I know that if he ever decided to leave her, and he called me, I would drop everything i ever was doing and go to him....My mother tried to destroy it, but she didnt succeed.

I honestly think now, that she just didn't WANT me to succeed and be happy. Be loved by anyone else.

SO that begins the two and a half years at Nikos Academy.

Do i like being single?

This question was just posed to me in an email...and it got me to thinking.

my wheels turned and.......shrug...I guess I can say that im used to it by now. I like living how i want to live and not having to conform myself to how someone else thinks i should live. I like being me without having to make excuses or change the way i am. I like living how i want, doing what i want without having to answer to someone. Im pretty much set in my ways...

though on the flip side of that....i like having help from someone if i need it...Like having financial help when i need it (not that id look for someone with money, just the whole "being a team" and stuff when it comes to household things....

so im kinda...i dunno...i wouldnt say i LIKE being single but i do at the same time....

Its also hard because I dont trust a living god damned soul to save my life. Im uber protective of my girls and in my mind, every man is out to get with me because i have young kids and they want THEM...(trust me, i've run into a few sickos that want to talk about my kids really early into the conversation....Even had one guy tell me some months back that hed want to train them into eventually being his slaves...Umm, NO FUCKING THANKS sicko.)...so yea, Im UBER guarded.

It doesn't help that my first husband was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings where he THOUGHT he was talking to 13 yr old girl which turned out to be an undercover cop......But thats another story...

I think that if i didn't have my girls to protect and care for, that I wouldn't be o jaded and careful and guarded. But i do, and that a LARGE reason why I stay single...because im scared for THEM...

As much as my oldest tells me that she wants me to find someone to marry, it still scares me.

Either that or when I go out with someone...I dunno, my walls are so built up...I keep telling myself that the RIGHT one will be patient and waiting for them to come down...But they dont stick around long enough....Or, they're ALL just about sex....And dont get me wrong, While i LOOOOVE sex, I dont want it to JUT be about that.

I do want to meet someone and get married....But I also have very specific dream that i want to perue before I ultimately REALLY settle down...though I dont think THATs something Ill even like to do..

Ive never been the go to college, get a career, get the perfect ivy league husband and the perfect house with the white picket fence in a perfect neighborhood, with the perfect kids and the perfect dog...

Im a Gypsy. I have been my whole life. Ive never, in all my life, lived ANYWHERE longer then 2-3 years. I get restless. I get bored. I dont like people in my business...Its why I want to RV so much...If i dont like somewhere or something someones doing, I can just pack up, hop in the drivers seat and GO.

No connections, no ties to anywhere....

Being single is something Im used to....Do I LIKE it?? Thats debatable...There are times when Id love to have someone, be in a relationship with someone that could help me...be with me....support me....love me....accept me......but another thing I have a hard time dealing with is that I raise my girls a very specific way...and if anyone tries to come in and tell me different, I push them away...HARDER then a wwe wrestler throwing someone down on a table from atop a 30 foot ladder....

I have a hard time meeting anyone that CAN and WILL accept me for the way I am...who'll love me for my stupid idiosyncrasies....Who wont judge me for the way I am or the way i raise my girls...Its hard for me.

So i guess thats why Im single....do I LIKE it???

Eh...Thats to be determined....
All my life, Ive had to fight for everything that Ive ever gotten or had...Ive had to fight through the worst things that anyone would ever have to fight through.

was born to an unwed mother who was forced to keep me, I was severely abused by her, I was bullied at school, I was gang raped at 13, sent to live at a Christian boarding school when I was 16 because my mother didnt want me anymore (yes, she told me this)...At 18, i met a man who ultimately I married....Turns out he was a pedophile and was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings (talking to an undercover cop who HE thought was a 13 yr old girl)...I had to give up my children that i had with him so that they could have a better life...i fought and fought and fought through everything...When Michael was arrested the last time, I was left on my own. I had no idea how to pay bills, how to do anything financially...I started stripping because it was the only thing I could think of that would give me money FAST...

I met a man at one of the clubs that ultimately turned out to be a drug addict and who got ME doing drugs when Id never ever touched a drug in my life....Thank GODDESS that I didnt get hooked...He was abusive and unkind and constantly accused me of cheating on him because of my work....
And when I looked into beauty school, ridiculed me...

Then, I got pregnant with my almost 11 yr old daughter and everything changed....for the better eventually but in the beginning it wasnt....When I told him that I was pregnant, he insisted that I get an abortion. When I refused, he tried to beat me up.

Thankfully, because of the abuse from my mother growing up, I knew how to protect myself and I covered my belly with anything I could get to...My legs, my arms, a pillow...anything....When his friend came to get him, i FLED...With a few clothes in two clothes baskets and my cat, I fled...
He also had said that if I had the baby, hed find us and kill us both...I fled for our safety.
a year and a half later i met my late husband and my life was perfect...I was THE most in love I've ever been in...and he loved me JUST as passionately, hard and white hot heat then i have ever felt loved...We ended up having two more children within the 2 and a half yrs that we were together before he died....(yes, it was THAT passionate lol)....

since he died....Its taken me a long time to come to grips with who I am as a person, as a woman, as a spiritual soul. Its taken 7 and a half long years to figure out where I belong in life.

And figure out what i deserve as far as relationships are concerned.

I deserve someone that will treat me like a MFKN Queen...Not a high maintenance bitch, but a Queen...a princess....Like I would treat him as my King and love of my life...

I deserve someone who's going to accept me for how I am, how i believe in things, who I am and everything that goes with that...as I would with them.

I deserve someone who's going to take the time to get to know me and not RUSH me into talking on the phone, meeting up or whatever. im not the kind of girl that likes to rush into things....Even my groceries are carefully planned. After all that ive been through, i have EVERY right to want someone to WOO me...Take time to achieve my trust and love and devotion.

I deserve someone who's going to WORK to get my phone number, even if it takes a while.

I deserve someone who's not going to mistreat me by tearing me down, but building me up and encouraging my dreams like i would for them.

I deserve someone that if i text/call them, they wont ignore the texts/calls and send them to voicemail because hes busy with "his boys" or whatever...I answer EVERY text/phone call ANYTIME anyone of my friends calls/texts me. I deserve that respect from them.

I deserve their love and devotion. Even if their family/friends dont like me, I deserve THEM loving me. And being devoted to me...

I deserve Respect and kindness and love and loyalty and not someone whos going to mistreat me or discourage me from my dreams.

I deserve someone whos going to help me when I need it. Its not very often that i ask for help. In fact its fucking hard as fuck for me to ask for help from ANYBODY. but I want someone that just by looking at me says "shit, you need a break...go get yourself some lunch and go (get your nails done, get sushi, go to the mall/for a drive/et....).

I deserve someone whos not going to treat my girls like second class citizens because they arent THEIR children....

I deserve someone whos not going to fight with me on stupid things.

I deserve someone that wants to get married just as badly as i do.

Thats all I can think of at the moment, but for the start, thats what I deserve...I deserve happiness. and love. and peace.

Im sellin all my shit....

And becoming a full time RV'er...

After thinking about it at length for quite a while, this is something that Ive wanted to do for YEARS. But I never had the opportunity to do it...Here recently Ive had this little nagging thought in my head about doing it...And when me and Dave were together, we discussed doing it but we never had the money to buy an RV or anything...We loved camping and getting out there so I most definitely think its time...

The longer I'm in this trailer, the more I hate it....and then we just got the new lease from the new company taking over the park and theres all kinds of new rules about fences and no veggie gardens (BOOO!!!) and all that....that blows....So, im outta here as fast as I can get it fixed up neatly (not gonna go all out like i had planned but ill fix it up decently), sell the majority of my belongings...Whatever Im able to get for selling my stuff, what im able to save and what i sell this place for, i should be able to put down a nice sized deposit for a decent motorhome...

We looked at a BEAUTIFUL one today, but do i think that itll be there when Im ready to buy in a year or two? hell no, i dont, but hopefully, ill be able to get a good one for now, and eventually trade up for a bigger one if need be.

But i definitely think thisll be a FANTASTIC adventure :) and Im ready.