Moving home...

So, after many a tumultuous year here in Rhode Island, I decided rather quickly to move back home...2 weeks ago. I figured out that I was beyond lonely and needed help that I no longer had here...

When Dave left and we subsequently divorced, I figured out that Rhode Island wasn't where I belonged anymore...And I managed to stick it out for 16 months since kicking Dave out and Ive reached my limit rather quickly a few weeks ago...The noise, the pollution, the traffic, the crime, the sirens, the STUPID STUPID laws...Just cant handle it...I want peace and quiet and relaxation...Most if not all the neighborhoods in South Jersey ARE quiet and will give me that peace.

And here it is, October 18th and in 24 hours I will be loading up the U-haul with the family and friends that are coming up to help me and hopefully, leaving as early on saturday morning as possible to avoid traffic...

I am definitely looking forward to a new life in NJ...my home state...I cant wait to feel my feet on the soil...feel the air in my lungs...be close to my real friends and family here...And, close to Camerons grave...Not so much for me, but for my girls...

Yes, of course there have been times that I wished I could go and lay on his grave like I used to when I was down, but behind 300 miles away from it, made it a little difficult, but mostly I want to be able to bring the girls to his grave to honor him as much as possible and its incredibly hard to do that from here...

I look forward to moving back to be with my family, to be with my friends...to be amoungst my "people"...noone truly understands the jersey attitude unless youre from there...And frankly, RI is *nothing* like NJ...

I miss WAWA and Wildwood and the malls and the food and everything like that...I miss Heritages dairy stores and their UNBELIEVABLE sandwiches...I miss the quietness of the country...This city living has gotten to me and I crave quiet...peacefulness and no LOUD LOUD mexican mariachi music on a sunday morning at 9 am when people should have common courtesy for their neighbors who are sleeping...

Thats something else that most people up here dont seem to have...Common Courtesy...I live in a three unit building...Im quiet and respectful to others around me because I was raised to be...Most of my life ive spent living in apartments so I was raised to be quiet and have courtesy...

Like the neighbors I mentioned blaring their music on Sunday mornings, most people here are like that....When driving, people cut you off with no hesitation...when youre trying to get onto a highway, they dont move so that you can merge safely onto said highway...

There are so many many other examples but for the moment, the previously mentioned ones are the ones that bug me the most...

So, here it is....everything is packed...Im done cleaning everything...and im just waiting for everyone to get here...

I cant wait and im beyond excited to be going home...

Being a mom...

All my life I wanted to be a Mom...When I started trying to get pregnant, all I knew was that having sex without birth control would get me that way and thats all that I cared about.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 18, I didnt even realize that the symptoms I had been having werent, in fact, the FLU, but it was morning sickness...BAD.

For a while, Id wake up with my husband, help him get ready for work and as he left, curl up and go back to sleep because Id be SO tired but I thought it was just because I was sick...

Id wake up SPRINTING to the bathroom to HURL anything that I had eaten while I was helping my husband get ready for work and I just couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with me...There was a time that me and my husband went to Subway to eat...I walked into the place and almost hurled right there because of the smell in there. I couldnt handle it.

We left and went somewhere else.

I had skipped my periods but didnt really dawn on me because from the day that I started *GETTING* my period, I had always been massively irregular. But, something told me to walk to CVS and grab a test...Within SECONDS of taking the test, the little pink "+" sign showed up. I was shocked....And had no idea how far along I was because I didnt even really remember when my last period had been before that.

Whats funny is that the moment I found out that i was pregnant, I stopped having the morning sickness...the nausea...the sore tits. Mind boggling.

I dont really remember going to my first doctors appt. I dont remember finding out how far along I was, but I remember going to my first ultrasound and seeing the baby...I was 12 weeks along......I had no idea what that meant.

Around 26 weeks I started having contractions and ended up in and out of the hospital several times before delivering my daughter at 31 weeks on October 30th, 1995 @ 2:50 in the afternoon. She weighed a teeny 4 lbs 5 ounces and was barely 16 inches long.

While I was going through all of that, alls I kept hearing was all this information about complications...issues that the baby might have if she were born this early...birth defects...long term health issues that could arise...I willed her to stay in longer...Prayed that shed be healthy. And she was.

I have been told that had I gone full term with her, she would have been HUGE.

I had no clue about breastfeeding and really didn't have the chance to do it because she was in the NICU for one day shy of 3 weeks and I wasn't able to see her everyday because she was in a hospital 2 hours away from us.

When she came home, it was a wonderful day. I had pretty much given up on breastfeeding at this point.

With my son, I knew a little bit more because prior to getting pregnant with him, the internet had just arrived...AOL was the newest thing...I researched the FUCK out of EVERYTHING....how to get pregnant...how to stay pregnant....how to get pregnant with a boy...(my husband now had, in addition to my daughter, three other daughters and he wanted a boy)...and all kinds of other things...

We got pregnant again before I got pregnant with my son, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and had to have a D&E to remove the "products of conception" because the baby had died inside me and my body wasnt discarding it like it should have.

I was devastated. Heartbroken...literally so sad that I could barely go to see one of my best friends in the hospital when she had her son because she had him right around the time that I would have been due...But I went anyway...

6 months later, on Valentines day, we got pregnant with my son, who just turned 13. The pregnancy I had with him was a little different but not by much.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely by surprise. I called my husband at work and told him that I was frustrated that I hadnt gotten my period yet (thinking that my periods had gone back to being irregular because we had been trying to get pregnant and couldnt if i wasnt getting my period)...He told me to call the doctor to get Provera to jump start my periods like I had before, before saying that I should go get a test to make sure I wasnt pregnant.

I told him that I really didnt think that I was pregnant but Id go to the store and get one anyway.

I went home, put my daughter down for a nap, and took the test...Again, within seconds, as I was putting the drops into the test, it was showing positive...

I was excited but scared out of my WITS because of what had happened with the previous pregnancy. I called my husband and then my doctor to set up an appt to come in immediately since I wanted to make sure the baby was ok...

I found out I was only 4 weeks along and was due November 3rd, 1999. The pregnancy was a breeze pretty much, with the exception of being tired and hot. (I was pregnant through the summer).

The pregnancy was going fine until I was about 28 weeks. I was staying with my mother at the time because, as usual, my husband was in jail....AGAIN. I went to her doorway of her room and said that I thought i might be in labor and she told me to call my doc, after asking how far along i was. (WTF?! she should have known that!)

My doctor told me to come in and when i got to the hospital, they checked me and found that i was 4 cms dilated.

That was the beginning of weeks of bedrest in the hospital...mag sulfate treatments...breathene shots...painful hip issues...physical therapy because I was on bedrest unable to get up...lots and lots o tests and ultrasounds...all the while listening to my mother scream at me on the other end of the phone because she had to take care of my daughter while I was dealing with everything. She kept asking me when they were going to let me come home.

It was a mess.

I had him at 36 weeks, in October 1999. Almost exactly 4 yrs to the day after having my oldest daughter.

Breastfeeding with my son would have gone REALLY well if I had had support, encouragement and help. But, I didn't. My mother was against breastfeeding. Thought it was disgusting and stupid...So, I caved and went to formula after a few weeks because I couldn't handle the berating and insults anymore.

In May of 2001, I found out that I was pregnant again by accident. It was a really bad time to have gotten pregnant because I had just filed for divorce from my oldest twos father and was in a bad place in my life...It was scary and I was in shock because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant again...at least not at that time. My now EX husband was not the father and I was super freaked out and scared...I had switched birth control pills because I had been bleeding for a solid month and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My doctor put me on a different birth control but something happened and I got pregnant.

However scared I was, the pregnancy was beautiful...No issues, no morning sickness, no sore breasts, nothing. I sailed through the pregnancy like a dream...Until i started going into labor at 24 weeks. Thats when they put me on this medication called Procardia and it was the MOST fantastic thing in the world because it stopped EVERY stitch of preterm labor...I had to take it every 3 hours and make sure to drink lots of water.

I made it to 35/37 weeks (depending on who you ask...*I* thought that because a previous doctor told me I was 2 weeks later then the docs I was seeing at the time, I said i was 37, *THEY* said I was 35...but, eh, whatevs.) with her. She was born in December of 2002.

She really is a beautiful miracle and I thank the Goddess every single day for her because getting pregnant with her woke me up and got me out of a really shitty situation.

She ended up having GERD so breastfeeding her was a pain in the behind but I was still able to pump and put my breast milk in with her formula.

9 months later I got pregnant with Holli. My pregnancy with her was fantastic, aside from a couple of early scares. At 6 weeks, I had started to bleed and thought i was having another miscarriage and told Cameron (my second husband)...He rushed me to the hospital....Turns out that the baby was fine...Good strong little heartbeat. My placenta had a little blood bubble behind it and thats where the blood was coming from...

After that, I called my family practitioner and told him that I was pregnant again and wanted to be put back on the Procardia to avoid any preterm complications. I knew I had time because my body would try to start going into labor between 27-28 weeks pregnant. I wanted to get a jump start.

She was born in June 2004 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was my biggest and the furthest Id made it with very very few complications.

My youngest child, was conceived when Holli was exactly 1 yr old. I found out on July 4th, 2005 that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed but scared because Cameron kept saying that we couldnt afford another baby although we werent exactly trying to prevent a pregnancy if it happened.

The pregnancy up until I was 28 weeks along was awesome. NO morning sickness...No pain...No sore tits. I adored being pregnant with her. Was really energetic, happy, overjoyed...

Until that December when we lost Cameron from a car accident.

After that I really dont remember much as far as the pregnancy because I was in SUCH a deep deep mourning that I just kinda blurred everything in my life.

Julia was born February 21, 2006 after 37 weeks 6 days of pregnancy. The labor was awful, painful and I almost died.

She wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding and I was in such a depression and mourning from having lost Cameron that it didnt matter to me. Formula was fine and easier...

It didnt stop me from bonding incredibly hard with her. Shes my little hip attachment and will just sit or snuggle with me for hours on end..will come in and give me lots and lots of kisses for no reason...I call her "my last gift from Cameron"...

Being a mom is the most amazing thing to me and I live for my children. When Cameron died, I wanted to die too and would have. With the exception of the fact that one day I was sitting at his grave, telling him I didnt know how I was going to live without him. And how I wanted to die too so that I could be with him.

Clear as a bell I heard his voice say to me "Dont you dare. You have our girls to think about. You have THEM to live for..."

And I have been living for them ever since. WIthout them I honestly dont know where Id be. They are my world, my air, my everything. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I wouldnt trade it for anything EVER. If anything ever happened to my kids, I honestly dont think that i could go on. It would kill me and Id fail to function as a human being.

Creativity in my World...

Speaking with someone earlier today through email, he responds to something I had said previously in an email to him. He said:

"Absofreakinglutely is not a word."

To which I responded "It is in *MY* world."

And it got me to thinking. In my world, there are tons of words and situations that I have created and live in, both on my own or with friends that I use on a continual basis.

Awesometastic and Fantabulous are two of the words I use the most...

In my world, there are times when I just want to squish my cat (which just means to lay and snuggle him and feel his fur on my face and in between my fingertips. He lets me do it because he has been in my world since the day he was born and is used to being handled and touched and cuddled.),

In my world, there are times that I just want to listen to music and dance and sing around my living room, pretending Im the rock star on stage that Ive always wanted to be...

In my world, there are times that Im quiet, when I just want to sit on my couch, watch Law and Order:SVU on netflix and knit...There are times, where I get a spurt of excessive energy and I get the girls ready and bolt out the door to do something spontaneous like going to Newport to walk Cliff walk or go apple picking, or go to the craft store to get craft stuff to make things, or go to the beach and just watch the ocean and listen to the waves...I have many many aspects to myself.

In my world, there are times that I just feel like doing my hair and make up for no reason but still stay in sweats and dont go anywhere. There are times that I also get dressed up just because I want to.

I take pictures like crazy and sometimes like to do shoots of myself, just so that when Im old and decrepit, I can look back and say "DAYUM, I was a hottie." In addition to if something were to ever happen to me, my girls will have a shit ton of pictures to look at and remember me, like we have of their Daddy.

I love to write...Blogs, poetry and the like...When Im writing, the girls know to be quiet and not disturb me. They know that its important to me and know that I use it to express myself. Its the same way with painting and cooking too. Its cathartic to me, relaxing, almost meditative and therapeutic.

Mostly, Im a homebody. I stay home, relaxing, chilling around the house. Unless the girls aren't here. Then I usually am out and about, whether its getting my nails done or treating myself to Sushi or a little mexican place called Cilantro (MY meal alone is at LEAST $11 when I go so its a little to expensive to bring the girls, so its something I only go to when they're not here) But its not often. Even when they aren't here, I sit around the house. Just relaxing and listening to the silence.

Ive found that as I age, Im past the "partying" stage of life. Sure, Ill go out to karaoke or even to Mardi Gras (a club here in Rhode Island) but normally, Im leaving by midnight, coming home, getting out of my "party clothes" and just sitting in front of my computer...I guess mainly because Id rather deal with people on the internet, then being hit on, grabbed, groped and pawed at when I go out.

Ive realized that I have a personal space that when others touch me, I cringe or move. Unless I know you and am close to you, DONT TOUCH ME.

I was at work a couple of weeks ago. A coworker and I got into it. My boss came up and was trying to get us to make up....We did but then he forced us into a hug...I was like "oh, oh, personal space invaded!"

I felt really awkward.

In my world, Im a complicated, never know what you're going to get kinda chick.

I say chick and dude and groovy. I make up words because I can. Im a home body, a somewhat party girl when the girls aren't home...A quiet, rambunctious, moody, DONT-touch-me-unless-i-know-you kinda girl...I love Halloween and sometimes I feel like a little kid playing with my mothers make up. Sometimes I dont feel like a grown up and feel like any moment, my mother will walk in and say to go to bed or school or whatever...

Thats just a little bit of what my world is like.

True People and being honest

So, recently I was speaking with someone for a few weeks. Long enough to start exchanging personal information about ourselves...Not things like our social security numbers or where we live and work, but, things like last names and birthdays.

I freely gave him my info (my first and last name and my bday) and asked for his...and he wouldn't tell me without me basically bugging him and saying that the whole point of talking and "getting to know each other" was to learn about each other....he FINALLY (begrudgingly I might add) gave me his last name...after saying that he had "friends in IT and was paranoid"....TWO HUGE red flags....I still dont know his birthday...

So, I blocked him.

I would understand if it was 2 days into our convo I was bugging him about this info, but i wasn't. It was a casual question...He should have known me well enough that I wasn't going to try to stalk him or find his Facebook or google him at this time. Maybe if he had asked ME if we wanted to exchange facebooks, I would have, but he didn't, so I dont go looking for people on my own.

What I dont understand is, the whole point of talking and getting to know someone to turn it into a relationship, WHATEVER kind it happens to be, you should know the basic info about them.

The thing that made me shake my head was the fact that he didn't even live here in New England...he lives in the south. (im not going to divulge..) and would only tell me limited stuff about himself, and its only if i pretty much begged him to...

Sorry, that just throws up red red flags.

Then when I blocked him, he made up another name to email me, asking why I blocked him...

Buddy, if you gotta ask, you're as thick as my pillows on my new couch.

At what point, in any kind of relationship, do you ask for that simple, basic information?

When I was with all of my other serious relationships, regardless of what kind of relationship it was, I knew that info pretty early on. So whats the big deal?

When do YOU think is a good time to exchange BASIC info about yourself with someone?

Im not talking about deep dark secrets from your past...the kind of things you only talk about once you've established that trust that someones not going to hurt you...but, the simple basic first name/last name/birthday/whats-your-favorite-food/color/thing to drink kind of stuff.

WHat do you think?

Why am I still single???

Thats a question Ive gotten a lot here lately...ALOT.....Frankly, I dont know why. Its not for not trying...Maybe its because Im scared...Scared that they'll do to me what most of the people in my life have done....Bail....Whenever i start getting "close" to someone, and actually start letting myself *like* someone, which is REALLY rare and hard for me to do, and they bail, then I disconnect from people more and more....Scared that once Im in a relationship with them, they'll do to me what my ex did...or, die like my late husband did.


I do try...But i find sometimes that when Im talking to someone and they start saying things that I dont like or whatever, even just the *slightest* thing...I just....disconnect...I push them away intentionally, stop responding...for the reasons I stated...I know its me, because of my fear.


...maybe its because Im picky...I have a pretty good idea of what kind of guy I like...And looking for...and if Im not attracted to them....if I dont feel SOME kind of connection....chemically or energy wise....Then, I dont connect like I feel maybe I should....maybe its because I havent had the right connection with someone....again, distance makes a huge difference.


I do kinda have attachment issues...though not like you'd think...Most people that have attachment issues, its usually the other way around...they get to attached TO easily...its REALLY not easy for me to. Because Ive been hurt SO SO much and bailed on, and dropped...for reasons I know, and for reasons I dont...Ive had friends end their friendships for NO reason...without telling me why...Ive had guys do the same thing...My mother even disappeared and hates me for reasons I cant undersand...So, i dont get attached easily...I CANT.


There've been a few times recently that I *THOUGHT* something was gonna happen with someone...and LET myself like them...let myself trust them...Then they either bail or they turn out to not be a match for me...for one reason or another....


I also cant seem to find anyone who'll make me WANT to attach to them...trust them...bond and connect with them...I do admit that i have come control issues...I cant let go and let someone else IN....I havent met anyone yet, aside from one gentleman last summer, who I was completely ready to move to ARIZONA to be with him....and he disappeared...and BLOCKED me...and refused to answer emails, phone calls or texts...So again, the attachment ability that most people have, I DONT...and I think it makes it hard to trust, bond, connect etc with them...when I want to...Trust also has a lot to do with it...

It doesn't help that a lot of the gentlemen Ive spoken with are long distance...or, in general, the guys here in Rhode Island just plain SUCK....horribly bad...theyre either douchebags, players, drug addicts, live at home with Mommy and Daddy, dont know how to be a gentleman, are married and want a girl on the side, are divorced and have bitter animosity towards whatever the reason may be, whether its their exes or baby mama's, alcoholics, are too young, not my type, or dont know HOW to ACTUALLY "date"...So, until I move to where ever it is that I will end up, I wont date here.....EVER.

And as Ive mentioned in a past journal, long distance things dont work for me because the NEED to feel someones energy and chemistry is really important to me. If i cant feel that, I cant bond with them.

So, I guess thats why Im still single...

My sexual discovery of self love and orgasms during sex

I was watching a program tonight about sex and FSD in women. (Female Sexual Dysfunction) and I listening to the womens stories on there, I got to thinking...how did I come about in my sexual proclivities, fetishes, likes, kinks and the way I've discovered things about myself...??? Where did I learn about orgasms, self loving and sex and every other aspect of the sexual side of myself??

Growing up, my mother didn't teach me shit. I had to learn it ALL on my own by trial and error...While I was watching this program, I thought to myself that I really couldn't be sure if pleasuring yourself is something you learn from someone, or, something you learn on your own. I honestly dont remember HOW I figured out that touching myself down in the girly parts would make me feel good, I just know that it did.

I cant explain how I used to self love myself. Its kind of difficult to describe.
I didn't actually really start touching myself with my fingers until much MUCH later..I would hump pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, you name it. I just knew that itd make my "girly parts" tingle and feel good. I know I was roughly about 10 years old when I did realize that feeling....for self loving.

But, for during SEX, well, its a little more...wonky. I really dont remember when I discovered I can feel good in the same way...Meaning, have the explosive orgasm during sex like I did when I self loved myself.

Did I learn it? Was it naturally ingrained? Did self loving myself for all those years help to teach my brain HOW to achieve orgasms during sex?

I also remember around the same time, perhaps a little later, (11 or 12), when I found my parents' porn "collection"...I remember putting it into the VCR (holy fuck, remember those?? Those big giant machines with clunky tapes...ugh...but I digress), pushing play, sitting on the floor of my livingroom and watching in wonder and fascination at what was going on between the two people on the screen...I think this is around the time I realized that porn stirred something within me, specifically rougher looking sex, because I felt arousal in my "girly parts" like I'd never experienced before.

I didn't realize it at the time, but this was my hormones setting off the "horniness" that I feel today when Im aroused. My body had begun to blossom and I was along for the ride...During this tape, I believe thats when I realized that sex was supposed to be rough and wild and crazy, because the couple in the video I was watching, were going completely nuts.

I remember thinking, in my very young brain, "Does she feel as good as I do when I touch my....*blush* down there girly bits?" (and yes, that was my exact thought at that time...)

I remember looking at the girls body, and looking down at my tits. You have to remember, when I was 11 or 12 yrs old, it was 1986/1987. Back then, the girls in porn had big giant porn boobs. I was shocked and fascinated how big they were, how they moved, how round they were and I became hooked on having big titties when I grew up.

Of course, my mother was rather large chested, so I thought "Fantastic! Im gonna have big boobs like her!!"...WRONG...I got jipped in that department...and that was the beginning to the obsession with wanting big tits.

Flash forward to 7 or 8 short yrs later, to when I was 18 and with my first husband, Michael. I really learned a lot from him in our relationship and marriage. I learned a lot about sex, taboos (like anal...he was the first one to introduce me to it) and how to just be a woman in general. Before him, I had no idea about anything else...with him I had my first orgasms during sex and it exploded inside of me like a firework. In the 6 years he and I were together, I learned a lot of stuff about sex, and about myself and what I liked...and didnt like.

And still, even after him and I split, with Cameron, my late husband, I still learned more, with Dave, my ex even more still...with every other guy (and myself alone) in between, with researching and watching and reading, Ive taught myself a lot in the last 11 yrs since my first husband and I split.

I think it doesn't matter how old you are, if you're gay straight, bi, trans or whatever...Self loving and self discovery about yourself and *YOUR* sexuality is important to you and no one should tell you that something is wrong with you because of XYZ...

LOVE.

Values and what they mean to me...

I've been doing a lot of thinking and about what my personal values are in life, what values I plan to raise my children with and how I feel about them...They go hand in hand with our morals as human beings and what we believe in as Wiccans and a holistic Naturopathic family...

First, I feel that I must define what Holistic and Naturopathic is for us...

Holistic for us means that we use alternative means of healing ourselves when we are sick and dont depend on modern medicine like the majority of people do since "BIG Pharma" has become over run in this country....Some of the practices of alternative holistic health include, but are not limited to: natural diet and herbal remedies, nutritional supplements, exercise, relaxation,psycho-spiritual counseling, meditation, breathing exercises, acupuncture, homeopathy and massage therapy...

Naturopathic medicine is working with nature to restore health in a person.

Both of those helps us lead very healthy and happy lives because we dont rely on western medicine to heal us since a lot of it does more damage to our bodies then good...IN MY opinion and belief system.

Now, moving on, that is a very core value and belief system in my house hold and I raise my children with these values...I dont vaccinate my children for various reasons but mostly because I dont believe in putting man made medicine into their little bodies. Im not going to get into a whole political conversation about the dangers of vaccines, just that I dont believe in them.

Another value I raise my children on is the belief system of being able to choose whatever religion they want to believe in...In this house, we are Wiccan...When they are at my inlaws house's they are Christian. I allow them to take my girls to church to see the differences in our religions...They havent been exposed to any other religion at the moment, but later in life, Im sure that they will be...

One day, not to long ago, I asked my nine year old what she believes in, she said, quick as lightning, "I believe in you Mommy..."

After I giggled and hugged her so so tight for that, I asked her again, though I reworded it. I asked her if she believed in God the Goddess, and the like. I also asked her what she believed in as far as religion is concerned and she shrugged and just said, clear as a bell, "I dont really know. I guess Ill figure it out as I get older."

I smiled, hugged her, and she went to go play with her sisters....thats my girl, I said to myself.

Another value I raise my girls with is to not judge or see anyones skin color or sexual orientation as wrong and to accept them as they are. Also, to see beauty in everything and in everyone....even if theyre heavily tattooed or pierced or in some other way not "normal" looking by society's standards...

And they do. When my children play with say, a hispanic child, or a black child, a chinese child or anyone else, they dont see them as wrong like some peoples kids or some of the ways Ive seen others raise their children...They dont even see them as different... they just accept them... its very very important in our house

Since we are surrounded by the political shit that is the anti gay bashing movement, I make sure to raise my children knowing that equality among all people is SO SO important and to say that someone is wrong if they are gay, or lesbian, transgendered and the like goes against OUR values as a family...I want my children accepting and loving and kind and compassionate to all people...We will sit and watch RuPaul's Drag Race and Drag U, and (they love watching the transformation the ladies/men turn into) and we talk about it...Their favorite Queens are Raven and Jujubee and Morgan McMichaels...(If you dont know who that is, Google them, they are amazing.)...we talk about gay rights and women's rights and abortion and planned parenthood. We talk about all the ways people hate each other for stupid reasons...And I teach them to not ever ever hate anyone for the way they are.

When we watch, if they ask questions, I answer them as best as I can...And whenever they have questions I cant answer, I ask one of my many Queen friends and they give me the best answer for themselves they can.

In one episode we were watching, my nine year old asked something to the effect of if all drag queens are men. I answered her that the huge vast majority of them are, yes. And then she asked if they were all gay. Again, I said yes. And she then asked, "does that mean that all gay men dress up in drag?" to which I told her "no, baby, not all gay men, Id say maybe 1/4 to half of them...(not knowing the actual numbers, I guestimated)"...with that, she said, "Cool." and continued to watch the show.

Thats another core value that I raise my children with. They are able to ask questions with out fear they'll get berated, or talked down to because they're children. There is something I fully completely believe in and that is never talking down to children, especially gifted ones, because they ALWAYS know whats going on, even if they dont appear to.

We dont watch TV because theres crap on it and I dont believe children should be exposed to it when they really dont have to be. I encourage them to play, get dirty, to inspire creativity. Im always letting them draw, write, create, read. I would much rather them do those things then sit in front of a tv and do nothing.

My values and morals may not be what everyone believes in but thats what makes this country a beautiful place.

I also allow them the freedom to shower/bathe themselves, groom themselves, dress themselves and feed themselves. (with the exception of dinner a lot of the time, just mostly breakfast and lunch, though I have taught them to cook and trust them enough with the stove that they can cook if need be)

I grew up with parents that taught me, though my mother was abusive (and I am not), to cook, clean, do laundry etc...And I am doing the same with my girls.

They know how to make I think, 10-20 things in the kitchen at last count...they know how to do laundry (at least Lilia does, the other two are still learning), the know how to sweep, mop, clean counters, wash dishes (the right way), brew coffee/tea...I joke that if something were to happen to me, they could take care of themselves for at least a week. LOL

Ive also taken to showing them how to food shop and budget money. Ive shown them how to save money.

All of these things are core values to me, something that no-one should judge because its what I feel is right for my family.

My family is of course, above all others, my number one value. Which is why I teach them what I do....I may not keep my house scoured clean...we may not wear gucci, prada, coach and all of those other designers, but we love...with all of our hearts and it shows in their faces when the come and hug me, when they kiss me...when they draw me picture after picture of hearts, butterflies, stars and rainbows.......we have fun....I let them be kids and that is so direly important to me.

As for our morals? Well, it all kinda goes hand in hand with our values as a family....Our morals, MY morals as a parent is to teach them the difference between whats wrong and whats right in this world...and in life....And I think Im a fantastic mother because I think that they get it.

They really really do.

Prostitutes arent human?!?! WTF?!?!

yesterday, as i was driving to pick up my children from their week of being on spring break with their grandparents, i was listening to this particular show on Sirius XM.....this show is something i (used to) listen to alot on long drives...the main person on this show is a little on the *EXTREMELY* conservative side which is weird because of the fact that its Cosmo Radio..........Cosmo Radio is the sister station to the actual magazine...

What boggles my mind is how someone like this, who works for *THIS* particular kind of radio station can be SO absolutely closed and narrow minded and just plain OFFENSIVE...

they were talking about the whole scandal that's going on with the Secret Service agents and military down in Columbia...she was saying that she would *RATHER* find out her man had had sex with some kinda "skanky girl" then a prostitute because prostitutes shouldnt even be considered human and in HER mind, they werent...

i was absolutely completely BLOWN AWAY by her stance and never have i EVER been SO pissed off at a radio show....now, it normally takes me ALOT to get SO pissed off i boycott a show/item/whatever...but when she said that prostitutes arent HUMAN, it just made me SO irrevocably angry, i took the station COMPLETELY off my #1 preset...i will NEVER EVER listen to *that* particular show again...

What i cant understand is how someone who can work for COSMO RADIO, which is basically a SEXUAL MAGAZINE from page one til the end with *some* fashion thrown in, can be SUCH a bitch...then she posed questions on their twitter page of if you found out your man had ever had sex with a prostitute if youd break up with him....

in my opinion, WHATEVER your man did *BEFORE* you, doesnt really matter. its in the past and hes with you now.

i honestly think that since *IVE* been in that industry before and will be in it soon (stripping wise not hooking/prostitution wise), it especially pissed me off...and my opinion aside, i think the way she reacted and behaved and spoke about the sex trade, prostitution and strippers in general, on a station where they talk about sex CONSTANTLY and is geared around was completely uncalled for...

the very next subject they talked about was acrylic nails and the French manicure and whether people out there thought they were "skanky or sexy".......she was screaming and ranting and raving about how skanky they were and terrible and blah blah blah and how if any of her friends had either of them, OR both, shed "make fun of them mercilessly"......

oh, so shes a BULLY now too?!

yea, im done...

for anyone out there wondering, the show is called "WAKE UP WITH TAYLOR" on Sirius XM 109 Cosmo Radio......

BOYCOTT THIS BITCH....

Prostitutes arent HUMAN?! wtf is SHE smoking?!

SOOOO good, im reposting it (and added a few things...)

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Ok, so instead of putting this all in my status which only allows 420 characters, I figured I would write out a blog -

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF AND IRRITATE ME -

Women that will give up everything, even their choice of education, for a man.

People who confuse femininity with idiotic, cutesy, giggly, hair-tossing, hanging-all-over-a-man, flirt-till-everyone-around-you-wants-to-puke girlishness.

Men who tell me "I think our friendship would be more solid if we had sex, and got it out of the way." My response: "Not with someone else's body, honey."

Men who walk right past me when I'm in grubby sweatpants and a t shirt, and who then slobber all over me and try to act like Mr. Personality when I'm dressed up. Like I can't tell the fucking difference. And those SAME men who walk up to me and start touching me when I'm wearing something tight/pretty/whatever...THEN, if I don't give them the time of day, I'm a bitch who just wants to talk to good-looking people. Yo asshole, what did you come up to ME for? My Mother-Theresa-like inner beauty or that short little black dress that I was wearing?

Guys who smoke pot all day.....EVERYDAY.....as if this makes them sooo hot, swearing that "everyone does it..." I don't and i wont and the smell of it makes me sick... so dont preach to me about how "NATURAL" it is...it STILL FRIES BRAIN CELLS.

Allegedly Christian bible thumpers who throw every noncontextual verse of the Old Testament at anyone thats NOT Christian while conveniently ignoring the New Testament edicts to "Judge not lest ye be judged." and "to love one another."

Religious dorks who think just because you have a different belief system, you must be wrong, required to tell them all about it, and interested in hearing The Truth.

People who think Wicca is Satanistic.....still to this day i have people ask me question after question...if you want to know about Wicca, RESEARCH IT YOURSELF. Dont depend on information that you got from all the hollywood crap thats in movies or on TV. Wicca is a Religion just as much as christianity and buddism and all those others....Oh, and if one more person calls it WICCAN, im gonna flip...Its WICCA, I AM WICCAN. Oy.

People who think Wicca is just a stage I'm going through....after 5 YEARS (almost 8 now woohoo!!) , Id wager a guess its NOT just a phase...Its my religion, I love my Goddess and follow and worship her with all my heart.....get with it people!

When I'm into a hobby, people asking me what I'm going to do when "I'm tired of it."....uhhhh...start a new one?

Girls who take months getting over some asshole who treated them badly, and then get back together with him….and i'll admit that I'm guilty of that, but, prospective here…we're talking about the on again off again twits, that complain and bitch and moan and then repeat the cycle….

Men who think women are not good enough to serve in the Military, and the women that are just too damn prissy to....ive had guys say to me "YOU? enlisted in the ARMY? Really? in the Chemical Corps? But youre a chick!" Really? because im a woman i must be stupid and weak?!

Parents and Inlaws who stick their noses into their ADULT children's lives.

People who say, "So who are you going to go out with now?", when they hear that I'm divorced....no, seriously, ive been asked this.......Um, DOUCHEBAG...just because Im a woman, with kids, DOES NOT MEAN that i NEED a man...i DONT. Back off. stay out of my frickin business.

Guys who say that they are attracted to your independence, and then two months (or longer) later, tell you they can't deal with a decision you made that was independent....yup....Beauty School....and Dave. Whatev.

Women who KNOW they are a size 14 squeezing their big asses into a size 6, 2 PIECE, SPANDEX outfit....really? i mean COMEONNNNNNNNNN!!!!! i dont wanna see your muffin top or your ass cheeks lookin like two pigs fighting under a blanket...WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIIIIIIIIITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When bartenders/doorpersons look at my i.d. and claim (in surprise) "Wow you were born in 76? You look so much younger." Dude, I KNOW....i get it EVERYWHERE i get carded....think of something more original wontcha??????

Men who assume that my assertiveness must be because "some man burned me". Worse yet, the patronizing types who say, "You'll be okay once you've found Mr. Right, despite my careful explanations that i HAD found Mr. Right and he died. and that i dont WANT to "find" another *replacement* Mr. Right....Cameron was my ONLY Mr. Right...

PeOpLe wHo TyPe LiKe ThiS orrr lyke thysssssssssssssssssssss - PLEASE use correct grammar and spelling! MAJOR pet peeve of mine.

People who think I'm always on the brink of flying off the handle, just because I speak my mind and I'm not afraid of expressing emotions. I say something that sounds even remotely un-easygoing and they say, "Calm down. Don't worry so much! Just calm down." You keep on telling me to calm down and I really WILL fly off the handle.

People who say "why isn't a pretty girl like you hooked up yet?" when they dont know me or my situation.

People who ask me if I have a boyfriend, and when I say no ask "Why not?"

People who, for some reason I can't quite fathom, get defensive and angry with me when I tell them I'm celibate, or tell me I wouldn't be so uptight if I could just get a good lay. I had a guy on fubar the other night, when i told him that i couldnt have an orgasm unless I was in love with someone and thats one reason i didnt do one night stands as they were pointless to me, that he "called bullshit on that one." really? because I wouldnt let YOU into my pants, obviously i was lying...really. MMMHHHMMMM...getta clue. NOT every woman has an orgasm EVERY time she has sex...there ARE women out here that have to have emotional connections to someone TO orgasm. AND, that dont have one night stands. PLEASE!

People who think I'm a lesbian because I don't throw myself at every man I see, or because I refuse to make an idiot out of myself over a man. (i.e. celebrities or someone who flirts with me at a bar.......um, HELLO...BARS are for one night stands...I only go to dance and have a few beers, not to meet people!!!)

ug...so, yea, im in a pissy mood...things irritate me but i dont ever say it because im always "ms nice"....no more. THE BITCH IS BACK BABY!

Location, location, location

So, i keep being asked why i wont consider someone from a long distance away or from another country...or, have it mentioned that if its worth it, a long distance relationship can work...

well, not really, not for me.

See, stateside aside, the other country thing just wouldn't work, even in Canada or other places close to the states, because honestly with the way the states are about getting a visa and a green-card to just VISIT and all the paperwork involved, having someone move here for me, would be damn near impossible, so the logistical aspect of everything simply just wont work...

in addition, i cant and wont move to another country due to personal reasons.
now, stateside, while its definitely easier, it still isn't plausible in my mind due to the simple fact that i need to be able to meet someone, feel them, feel their energy, look into their eyes, feel their hands touch me, feel their arms around me....and, especially if they're far away, if something were to god forbid happen, to where they (or i, depending on the situation) couldn't get to each other, it just wouldn't work for me.

Ive been in a few long distance things, and they have ALWAYS ALWAYS backfired and gone terribly terribly wrong...and these were vanilla relationships...i cant imagine what trying to make a lifestyle relationship work would be like...

in the vanilla relationships i've been in that were long distance, they've cheated on me because i wasn't there to provide them with what they needed or the distance just kept our bond from growing like it should have. and i don't want to go through that again...

sure, even close by someone could cheat on me, but i think, in retrospect, because id be "there" to provide them with what they needed, at least physically, they wouldn't.

My life as a Stripper

Ive recently started stripping again and I love it........except for the fact that its my first week, and I had forgotten how much pain is included with stripper shoes and pole tricks...

The club that I'm working in now is pretty awesome. its smallish, they have a 5 drink maximum, (which means NO highly stupidly intoxicated strippers falling all over themselves or customers), unless of course they drink all 5 drinks within an hour...I tend to space mine out over the 6.5 hours im working...most of the time, i only end up getting 4 drinks through out the night.....I buy one for myself at the start of the shift and then have the gentleman buy the rest...but never at my request. I wait for them to suggest or ask if Id like a drink...

Im not a presumptuous Stripper. I dont go into work ASSUMING I'm going to push a guy into getting a dance or buying me a drink or giving me money. Any dollar I make, im grateful for and happy with...There are girls that I work with that bitch and complain about "not making any money"...if they go into this industry thinking that way, they NEVER will.

People, men namely, dont want a negative, bitchy complaining woman sitting next to them....They can get that at home....They want someone who they can talk to, a beautiful girl that will lavish attention on them (for the right price of course)....I am the kind of stripper that will sit with a guy for at least a half an hour or longer depending on the vibe Im getting from him...eventually, we can both feel each other and will end up in either the couch dance/private room/champagne court beCAUSE i took that time to talk to them, listen to them and not rush them into anything...sometimes thats all they want/need and they fall...

Yes, there ARE times when im just in a mood where i walk up to a guy and say to him, "(in his ear)MMmmmmmmmmmm...you look like you could use some private time with the hottest girl in here and I am SO ready to get naked and rub my body ALL over you...wanna play with me in the back?" (bite lip, flutter eyelashes)......and either thy take the bait and say yes, or they tell me no. Which is totally fine...

Another thing that I love about this club is that its clean....meaning, ABSOLUTELY NO drugs....and you can tell. none of the women are spacey/crazy/druggy looking...We're all healthy, friendly and nice to each other. There is very little drama.....Which is a rarity for strip clubs.

When someone talks about wanting to become a stripper, they think its easy...they think its an easy buck..........its not.....a few things...its not always about the money...its a painful tiring thing to do and if you dont have it in you, its not going to get you anywhere...nor make you happy and youll end up quitting before you start making the money you think is there....especially when youre a new girl.

Stripper shoes are painful to walk/dance in until you get used to them.....they're expensive...They range anywhere from $30-$200 a pair depending on height, design, color etc....and every stripper needs to have AT LEAST 2 pair......then there's outfits....what kind of outfits do you think look good on you and that will make you money??? what kind of club will you work in/feel comfortable working in? Gown clubs? nude clubs? regular outfit clubs? can you hustle champagne courts/vips/couch dances from guys if thats the primary source of money? (the club i work in, guys rarely tip you on stage and you need to make your money doing dances/vips/champagne rooms)...

Can you dance naked in front of strangers?? Dancing for your significant other is one thing...dancing naked for a room full of strangers that are looking at EVERY FLAW you may/may not have and then judge you for it later on is TOTALLY different...Some men can be pure assholes for no reason whatsoever. and you have to ask yourself if 1) you can handle being criticized and brush it off as just an asshole...2) if you can hold the way the assholes/chick drama makes you feel inside without exploding on the customers........Some WILL be assholes just to see if they can make the stripper cry or piss them off.

Can you move seductively on stage and not just "shake your ass"? most guys want to be enticed. not just see some random pussy shoved in his face.......Im not the pussy shoving type girl. Im also not the "booty clapping" type girl. and as a matter of fact, ive actually had many men watch strippers on stage while I was sitting with them, say "what the fuck is that?! why do strippers do that?! its SO unattractive....shows they have no imagination or creativity."

where as I get compliments because i PERFORM...i sing, i make eye contact, i have pole tricks i do at certain points in the songs...Im more of a burlesque type stripper and i WORK THAT SHIT....but im still sore and tired at the end of the night...but i wouldnt change it for the world.

Having thick skin, and a smart head, will get you far in this business...

Whats the Rush?

I'm starting to notice a trend here lately...When I first started dating yrs ago, everyone took it slow, took their time getting to know someone and really creating a beautiful relationship around GETTING to know someone....Now a days everyone seems to be in such a hurry....in the past almost year, Ive had/seen guys that wanted to pretty much jump from just meeting to married in 2.3 seconds............WHYYY?! What the EFF is the hurry? Are you dying tomorrow? Is the world going to end??? WHY be in *SUCH* a hurry to form a bf/gf relationship SO FAST?!

Taking your time in a relationship is direly important...what happens if suddenly you decide after one date that youre someone's S.O. and you brag/tell all your friends "OOOOOOOH, hes/shes SOOOO wonderful! blahzieblahzieblah" and you find out a day later hes a murderer/rapist/bank robber or he does drugs/illegal things??? What then???

If I am EVER dating someone, you wont know it until we're in the serious pool...meaning, Ive found out enough about him, learned enough about this person to ACTUALLY announce that he, whomever it might be, is worthy of being called my boyfriend...

I dont understand people that jump into relationship after relationship or jumping into ANY kind of relationship without REALLY getting to know someone...this goes for friendships too....Some of my dearest longest term friends, I'm STILL getting to know............years later.........are they my friends? Absolutely...do I trust them enough to have them be a part of my life? Sure......but that doesnt mean that I KNOW them....and the same goes for love relationships.

Taking it slow is something that I need in love relationships and I dont understand that the rush is...

Ok, yes, I am guilty of jumping headfirst without getting to know someone, but that was back in my VERY young days...Even with Dave, it took him 4 MONTHS to get into my heart/head before I even agreed to "be his girl"...we were friends first...we talked on Yahoo/texting/on the phone...we hung out a couple of times...and THEN, we became a couple....and THEN we "announced" we were bf/bg to the "world".....and aside from Cameron, EVERY relationship that I have *EVER* jumped head first into without truly getting to know them took a massive flaming nosedive into hell...

And im noticing that with guys in this area, in my age range...it seems they want to go from just meeting to married, literally in 2.2 seconds....I remember back last summer...Dave had just went back to Jersey...someone asked me to dinner, and, just to get out, the girls werent here and i was alone for a while...and i said yes...now..in my mind, this was not going to be a relationship thing because #1 i was NO WHERE NEAR ready to have one...but HE was...driving home from dinner/drinks that night, he was talking about the future with me already, talking about taking trips, etc etc...this was only supposed to be dinner...and #2) it was the "first date" so to be speak...in no way do I EVER constitute a 1st ANYTHING to be a relationship.............apparently, this guy did...

After me getting severely freaked out that he wanted something so fast, i avoided his phone calls for a week...but, he kept (desperately) calling/texting me...after a while, i answered...........2 minutes into the conversation, he says to me "April, are YOU ready for a serious relationship? Because I am..."

Did I mention he was 5 months out of his last relationship that he was STILL married to her???????

Shit, Im just barely out of my divorce a month and I'm STILL not ready for the serious relationships that most people around here seem to want from the jump...

I just dont understand it....What the hell is the RUSH???????

I really wish sometimes that I could be this age that I am now, and rewind time and date BACK when i first started dating because things just seemed to really go a lot slower back then.........is it the quest to have things NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW that has people rushing things??

Im not saying the jumping from relationship to relationship is wrong, or even rushing things....but, for ME, i *CANT*..........especially now that I'm older and wiser and set in my ways....I may not be traditional in a lot of ways, but in other ways i am....

I believe in being a gentleman and a lady (when it calls for it)...I believe in men holding doors open for ladies, pulling out chairs, being polite and having manners...(i.e. not belching/farting and laughing out loud thinking its hilariousy funny....when in fact, its quite rude and disgusting and should be kept to yourself...)

I believe in saying "please", "thank you", and saying "i appreciate you" is a turn on...I appreciate a hard working man that works hard to be romantic, loving and affectionate and keep his woman happy, even if its something as simple as bringing her chicken soup and a flower if shes sick....making me a cup of tea/coffee, supporting my work/dreams...being supportive and encouraging are turn ons too...

I believe in dressing up and looking good and think that tshirt and jeans ALL the time is lazy (unless you look REALLY good in NICE jeans and a NICER tshirt...OR don't mind getting ACTUALLY dressed up once in a while (WIHTOUT bitching and complaining about it)....I'll have to admit that seeing a man in a nice suit is a bigger turn on to me then seeing one in tshirt and jeans any day)

I believe that there's such a selfishness now a days of ME-ME-ME now a days that no one wants to really put effort, compromise and work into anything...especially relationships...but yet, they meet someone, and then have that person INSTANTLY be a FWB/bf/gf/fiance/husband/wife, IMMEDIATELY...

what the hell is the faults in getting to REALLY know someone before jumping into ANYTHING??? especially into the sac with someone..........I have never had a FWB....*NEVER*....because they don't work with me...and while I dont think there is ANYTHING wrong with it, it wouldnt work for me because if *I* was in that situation, my heart/soul isnt set up to just "have sex like a man" and I would start to develop emotions..........which surprisingly happens a lot in those type of relationships and then people end up getting hurt.....

I dunno, I guess im just old fashioned now in the thinking that there should be a point of getting to know someone before jumping into the bf/gf/engaged/married pool...

my journey into weightloss, toning and strength

Since I had my daughter Samantha, I have hated my physique, with the exception of when I was really thin...I have battled the way that i look body wise for sometime and cant stand the way it looks...with the exception of when I am thin, toned and fit...

Now, I know youre saying that I look great for having 5 kids and all that but let me tell ya...try living in my body...it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about my body....*I* myself hate it....I hate the jiggly fat that hangs off...Im trying to come to grips with my stretch marks but having had disparaging comments (thanks Jesse) about them several times, having people think I was pregnant because of my pooch (trust me, even with as little as my pooch is, when I truly stick it out, it looks like im 4-5 months pregnant...which is why you ALWAYS see me sucking/holding it in)...I hate my flabby tits from breast feeding...I hate the fact that I have to wear a waist cincher to have my clothes lay without bumpyness...I hate the fact that because my sternum is raised, my breast tissue falls under my arms and have to physically move the breast tissue out from under my arms to put them down at my sides, to type, to knit, anything that you need your arms close to your sides for....I hate the fact that to get *INTO* a bra, i literally have to bend over to get all the skin, tissue and etc INTO the bra.

Ive tried all the body image self esteem affirmations but I really just can not get passed every horribly sad thing thats been said about my body...Even though in general, men seem to think Im "hot/sexy", thats not the image I want to portray anymore.............I want to be beautiful in someones eyes......and I feel like that until I'm beautiful in my OWN eyes, physically body wise, not face wise, Im not going to be happy...

Now, I know that Im a fantastic person AS A PERSON....but, the first thing people see when they look at me is S-E-X. I'm not kidding...........I cant tell you how many times, through out the day/night (whenever) I'm greeted with "hey SEXY"...not, "hey beautiful" or even "hey April."...

Anyway, thats another rants in and of itself...

This one is about the fact of me getting fit, getting healthy, feeling better, having more energy and over all becoming more physically beautiful to myself....

After I win this BeachBody Challenge, and win the money, I will be getting implants.........I had thought about getting a tummy tuck, but hopefully, with this Chalean Extreme and with the weihtloss and toning I will be doing in the next 89 days, I wont have to worry about that anymore.

I am tired to death of people telling me "THEY" dont think *I* need something.........Are YOU LIVING in *MY* body?????? Do YOU see what I see everyday???? Do you see what I go through to get dressed everyday?? No. You dont. And until you do, it doesnt matter what YOU THINK about my body, what matters is what I think...........and how I FEEL about myself...

I am not doing this challenge for anyone but myself. I am not doing this challenge to impress anyone, to get anyone to join me........if you want to join me, GREAT! contact me (or my coach - Russ Wright on here) about how!! if you dont, so be it....But Im getting healthy FOR ME...........diet (and no, i dont ACTUALLY MEAN "diet"...i mean healthy eating...fruits, veggies, no junk, no sugar, no bad fats etc), and exercise is something that you should be doing everyday anyway....When I lose weight, and people see it, one of the first things they say is "why are you trying to loose weight?", they ask "you dont need it."

Well, how do you KNOW I dont need it??? I feel healthier and happier when I dont have extra weight hnging on my bodyframe...Im relatively small...I know I seem bigger but Im really only 5'4"....And, I know it may not seem it but, I actually have PAIN in my body when i way over a certain amount.....the way someone who is extremely obese has issues with their knees and ankles? I have that...bad back? Yup, that too...less energy, you betcha...Im exhauted...and Im exhausted of looking in the mirror and seeing something nasty...my fat rolls...

I quit smoking because it was making me feel like shit....and because its bad bad bad for you........(it is, sorry smokers, but it is.).....And, my fat rolls is making me feel like shit too...I want them GONE...and my breasts fixed...I plan on talking about my Beach Body Challenge A LOT in the next several months, so, if Ya'll dont want to hear it, remove me from your friends list............Im also planning on becoming a coach for BeachBody, so if you dont want to hear about that either, remove me from your friends.......

I only have time for motivated, healthy, positive, NON DRAMA people now. I refuse to let this petty shit get to me anymore...From here on out, I am going to do me, worry about me, take the time that Ive devoted to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYONE else (aside from my girls because they always come first before me), to myself...because I deserve it.