Ive had an epiphany...

So, after talking with someone yesterday, it finally dawned on me why I'm still single....its not because all men are pigs, assholes, perverts or anything like that...It has nothing to do with not having anyone interested (believe me, i totally do)...it has nothing to do with men being/not being attractive to me....

it suddenly dawned on me.....

Im fucking scared to death to get hurt again.

Ive been single for 2 yrs...Ive dated a couple of times...had a COUPLE that i thought were gonna go somewhere but ended up REALLY BADLY breaking my heart....truth be told....Im afraid. Im scared to death...And i don't know if I will honestly EVER be ready again to be with anyone....and yes that means sexually as well.

.....Cameron passed away 7.5 yrs ago. In that time, I've been really, badly, incredibly hurt. Ive been taken advantage of...used...betrayed...over and over and over again. Ive had MORE hurt then good times then I can even explain or talk about...

I was with Dave for 4.5 years and that relationship was one giant tumultuous train wreck...several break ups and get-back-togethers....yea that was a MASSIVE friggin' train-wreck...The one before him, though brief, was incredibly abusive...emotionally, not physically...Took advantage of me on MULTIPLE occasions because I was vulnerable after loosing Cameron...

So, because of everything that Ive been through in the last 7 and a half years with relationships, friendships, and otherwise, I just decided that i'm not going to look or be involved with anyone....ever again...Every-time i let down my guard...and start to MAYBE trust.....I get fucked over AGAIN...

its easier on my heart, emotions and psyche.

Everything that Ive been through, relationship wise, friend-wise, family wise has made me really really paranoid, hurt and afraid to ever trust anyone.

Ever.

Im better off alone because i just CANT trust anyone...My fears have made me have anxiety about leaving my house...Its made me have anxiety about people coming over...Its made me have anxiety about trusting everyone I ever come into contact with. Just because of everything I've been through, I feel like because every time something happens, because people may or may not like the way I am, or the way I raise my girls or what-the-fuck-ever, whether they be pissed at me and want to "get back at me" for whatever reason, that they're gonna call the cops, or worse DYFS (and this happened recently and has made my anxiety even worse) and make up REALLY horrendous rumors about me....Really hurtful VERY untrue rumors...

And when I lived in NJ before leaving for RI, these people called DYFS on me FOUR times....for NO good reason....Because they want to cause ME harm and take my girls away from me because they don't like the way I live....Truth be told, I KNEW that when I moved down here, it would happen. I KNEW the second I got a place, and the ones who called got the address, they'd be showing up...And just like the PREVIOUS 4 times they were called, the case will be closed...

And even though the DYFS case is in the process of being closed (talked to the girl today and she said it would be), it still makes it INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust ANYONE....I feel like I need to second guess EVERYTHING i ever do now. I feel like anything i do isnt going to be good enough....And its made me second guess my ability of being a mother....

OR be with anyone....Im not the kind of bitch that needs someone to rescue me...And when shit like what I just mentioned above happens, because of stupid, jealous, controlling people that cant get the fuck out of my life for whatever reason, I feel like the drama will make them bolt...like it has before. So i just don't try...I don't look....I don't WANT to. I don't NEED anyone in my life thats going to try to make me feel worse because of someone ELSES antics...and believe me, the asshole I dated before Dave did that shit...

Everything I go through, it fucks with EVERYTHING as far as my daily living....EVERYTIME i *think* i might be getting better, something ELSE happens to make my anxiety worse and worse......It makes me have severe anxiety so badly that it makes me not WANT to even go out on any dates that I MIGHT be invited out on because I feel like people will think badly of me and think I'm a bad mom because I AM going out on dates.......When someone shows up at the house unexpectedly, it makes me really really nervous...I cant even handle anyone thumping on the walls or floors...I honestly think the people giving me a hard time WANT me to go crazy from their shit so Ill completely give the girls to them....which will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN OVER MY DEAD BODY.

So, yea, Im scared. Im terrified....and I honestly don't think I will EVER truly be ready to EVER have anyone in my life again.

People think Im this really strong bitch. They think that Ive got it all together...When I really really don't.....I don't leave my house unless I ABSOLUTELY have to, like to get groceries. Im content to stay home and not leave my house for any reason...Im scared to death of being hurt again in a relationship, and aside from the VERY few friends that i DO trust in life, i don't make new friends because of everything i just mentioned.

While i don't feel that the way I live is WRONG, other people DO and they make it EXTREMELY difficult for me to live because they keep doing shit like calling DYFS and making me second guess it...

Chapter two of "This is my life"

CHAPTER TWO

Moving to West Collingswood wasn't all that much better of a living situation then we had in that house we lived in before. It was teeny tiny, barely any room, and was an apartment with no backyard. Fortunately, i had a bedroom that i could hide in in the back of the house.

Here we were closer to family. I thought because my cousins were all popular in the high school I would now be going to, I wouldn't have a hard time. Boyyyy, was I REALLY, uberly, totally wrong. Things at home continued to be shitty. Mom still went out. I was still taking care of my brother 24/7.

My memory from this time in my life is really foggy. I have a hard time remembering things. I just remember this time being really complicated and hurtful and painful…and filled with torment from both my mother and bullies at school…My fathers were in and out of my life, as well as my sister and her life that was going on.

i fell into a deep depression and started hanging out with "not so good kids" in school. Started smoking….Still not over the abortion, and with the fact I was now IGNORED at school instead of being bullied, I was more alone then I ever was. I was inside myself. I started writing.

I wrote like a fiend. I wrote with every fiber of my being. And listened to music like it was gonna end the next day…And sang. I sang my heart out, tearfully…heartbrokenly…..I finally couldn't take it anymore.

Nothing was helping.

I remember one time in the first couple of months i was there, I had gotten my period in school unexpectedly. And of course, this is a total embarrassment to a young teenaged girl in a new school. It went all over my pants. I got permission from the office to leave campus to walk home to change and come back because my mother couldn't be bothered to leave work to help her teenaged daughter.

By the time I got back to school, it was my lunch period. I was sitting at the table with my friend Eva when one of the jocks walked up to me with a plate of ketchup. Now, mind you I had no food in front of me because I had eaten at home before walking back to school. He proceeded to throw it down in front of me. I looked at it, looked at him and saw the sneering laughter in his eyes.

I looked at Eva, looked at the jock table and saw them all snickering. I got up and walked off into the bathroom and cried until the end of the period. I spent the rest of the day avoiding my classes and ditching.

Again, it now started again….there were times of being shoved into lockers. Whispers behind me as I walked down the halls. Rumors started about me…..And my cousins did NOTHING.

This was also about the same time that i started meeting boys. Boys that I had crushes on…Boys that I didn't know that I'd say hi to in the hallways because it made my friend Eva giggle with my confidence that I could say hi to them, even though they had NO clue who i was, but i knew who they were.

One thing I always remember is that, even though I was raped, I never looked at that as a thing to make me HATE men. It was something that I kind of just "got over" after a certain amount of time. My mother was apparently raped right before she got pregnant with me and it made her HATE men. Beyond hating.

I wasn't going to let myself turn into that.

One thing I always knew was that I was good with men. I was good with guy friends. I was good at being their friends. I guess honestly, I never did well with women because I thought all of them were bitches and horrible people like my mother, my aunts, my grandmother…They all sat as my mother pulled the wool over their eyes about how she was a "perfect mother" but didn't know about the traumatic nightmares that happened at home to me every time she came home drunk.

So aside from a few girls that I had as friends, who, i can honestly say that werent exactly at that time the BEST influences…I didn't really hook myself up with girls as friends. And Im like that today.

Men have always been an easy thing for me to have as friends…when I was younger, I was never a "serial dater". I always had a stream of steady "boyfriends"….The boy I went to my 8th grade grad dance with….The junior that took me to Homecoming the ONE year i went to high school….and my FIRST true love…

Eric.

He still has my heart. We met at a wedding I was helping my mothers then boyfriend with. He was a photographer and he brought me with him to "teach" me a skill. I was 15…or 16. We locked eyes from across the dance floor and that was it….A little later, during a lull in (photo festivities), he asked me to dance…To "Everything I do, I do it for you." by Brian Adams….I felt butterflies in my heart. My stomach….and I was in love.

The first time I EVER felt love in my heart…Even though I lived in West Collingswood with my mother and he lived in Washington Township with his parents, we were always together. It was a bright spot in my life.

It got me away from the shit storm at home and from the crappy friends i had in school…My life was going awesomely…

Until my mother sent me away to Nikos and I lost contact with Eric…I wasn't allowed to see or talk to him while I was at school. It was devastating to me. I loved him. I know he loved me. We actually secretly were engaged. but when my mother sent me away, it broke us apart. Some years later, we reconnected...and again several years later...only now, hes married...My heart was devastated with that news but now we are friends. But, I know that if he ever decided to leave her, and he called me, I would drop everything i ever was doing and go to him....My mother tried to destroy it, but she didnt succeed.

I honestly think now, that she just didn't WANT me to succeed and be happy. Be loved by anyone else.

SO that begins the two and a half years at Nikos Academy.

Do i like being single?

This question was just posed to me in an email...and it got me to thinking.

my wheels turned and.......shrug...I guess I can say that im used to it by now. I like living how i want to live and not having to conform myself to how someone else thinks i should live. I like being me without having to make excuses or change the way i am. I like living how i want, doing what i want without having to answer to someone. Im pretty much set in my ways...

though on the flip side of that....i like having help from someone if i need it...Like having financial help when i need it (not that id look for someone with money, just the whole "being a team" and stuff when it comes to household things....

so im kinda...i dunno...i wouldnt say i LIKE being single but i do at the same time....

Its also hard because I dont trust a living god damned soul to save my life. Im uber protective of my girls and in my mind, every man is out to get with me because i have young kids and they want THEM...(trust me, i've run into a few sickos that want to talk about my kids really early into the conversation....Even had one guy tell me some months back that hed want to train them into eventually being his slaves...Umm, NO FUCKING THANKS sicko.)...so yea, Im UBER guarded.

It doesn't help that my first husband was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings where he THOUGHT he was talking to 13 yr old girl which turned out to be an undercover cop......But thats another story...

I think that if i didn't have my girls to protect and care for, that I wouldn't be o jaded and careful and guarded. But i do, and that a LARGE reason why I stay single...because im scared for THEM...

As much as my oldest tells me that she wants me to find someone to marry, it still scares me.

Either that or when I go out with someone...I dunno, my walls are so built up...I keep telling myself that the RIGHT one will be patient and waiting for them to come down...But they dont stick around long enough....Or, they're ALL just about sex....And dont get me wrong, While i LOOOOVE sex, I dont want it to JUT be about that.

I do want to meet someone and get married....But I also have very specific dream that i want to perue before I ultimately REALLY settle down...though I dont think THATs something Ill even like to do..

Ive never been the go to college, get a career, get the perfect ivy league husband and the perfect house with the white picket fence in a perfect neighborhood, with the perfect kids and the perfect dog...

Im a Gypsy. I have been my whole life. Ive never, in all my life, lived ANYWHERE longer then 2-3 years. I get restless. I get bored. I dont like people in my business...Its why I want to RV so much...If i dont like somewhere or something someones doing, I can just pack up, hop in the drivers seat and GO.

No connections, no ties to anywhere....

Being single is something Im used to....Do I LIKE it?? Thats debatable...There are times when Id love to have someone, be in a relationship with someone that could help me...be with me....support me....love me....accept me......but another thing I have a hard time dealing with is that I raise my girls a very specific way...and if anyone tries to come in and tell me different, I push them away...HARDER then a wwe wrestler throwing someone down on a table from atop a 30 foot ladder....

I have a hard time meeting anyone that CAN and WILL accept me for the way I am...who'll love me for my stupid idiosyncrasies....Who wont judge me for the way I am or the way i raise my girls...Its hard for me.

So i guess thats why Im single....do I LIKE it???

Eh...Thats to be determined....
All my life, Ive had to fight for everything that Ive ever gotten or had...Ive had to fight through the worst things that anyone would ever have to fight through.

was born to an unwed mother who was forced to keep me, I was severely abused by her, I was bullied at school, I was gang raped at 13, sent to live at a Christian boarding school when I was 16 because my mother didnt want me anymore (yes, she told me this)...At 18, i met a man who ultimately I married....Turns out he was a pedophile and was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings (talking to an undercover cop who HE thought was a 13 yr old girl)...I had to give up my children that i had with him so that they could have a better life...i fought and fought and fought through everything...When Michael was arrested the last time, I was left on my own. I had no idea how to pay bills, how to do anything financially...I started stripping because it was the only thing I could think of that would give me money FAST...

I met a man at one of the clubs that ultimately turned out to be a drug addict and who got ME doing drugs when Id never ever touched a drug in my life....Thank GODDESS that I didnt get hooked...He was abusive and unkind and constantly accused me of cheating on him because of my work....
And when I looked into beauty school, ridiculed me...

Then, I got pregnant with my almost 11 yr old daughter and everything changed....for the better eventually but in the beginning it wasnt....When I told him that I was pregnant, he insisted that I get an abortion. When I refused, he tried to beat me up.

Thankfully, because of the abuse from my mother growing up, I knew how to protect myself and I covered my belly with anything I could get to...My legs, my arms, a pillow...anything....When his friend came to get him, i FLED...With a few clothes in two clothes baskets and my cat, I fled...
He also had said that if I had the baby, hed find us and kill us both...I fled for our safety.
a year and a half later i met my late husband and my life was perfect...I was THE most in love I've ever been in...and he loved me JUST as passionately, hard and white hot heat then i have ever felt loved...We ended up having two more children within the 2 and a half yrs that we were together before he died....(yes, it was THAT passionate lol)....

since he died....Its taken me a long time to come to grips with who I am as a person, as a woman, as a spiritual soul. Its taken 7 and a half long years to figure out where I belong in life.

And figure out what i deserve as far as relationships are concerned.

I deserve someone that will treat me like a MFKN Queen...Not a high maintenance bitch, but a Queen...a princess....Like I would treat him as my King and love of my life...

I deserve someone who's going to accept me for how I am, how i believe in things, who I am and everything that goes with that...as I would with them.

I deserve someone who's going to take the time to get to know me and not RUSH me into talking on the phone, meeting up or whatever. im not the kind of girl that likes to rush into things....Even my groceries are carefully planned. After all that ive been through, i have EVERY right to want someone to WOO me...Take time to achieve my trust and love and devotion.

I deserve someone who's going to WORK to get my phone number, even if it takes a while.

I deserve someone who's not going to mistreat me by tearing me down, but building me up and encouraging my dreams like i would for them.

I deserve someone that if i text/call them, they wont ignore the texts/calls and send them to voicemail because hes busy with "his boys" or whatever...I answer EVERY text/phone call ANYTIME anyone of my friends calls/texts me. I deserve that respect from them.

I deserve their love and devotion. Even if their family/friends dont like me, I deserve THEM loving me. And being devoted to me...

I deserve Respect and kindness and love and loyalty and not someone whos going to mistreat me or discourage me from my dreams.

I deserve someone whos going to help me when I need it. Its not very often that i ask for help. In fact its fucking hard as fuck for me to ask for help from ANYBODY. but I want someone that just by looking at me says "shit, you need a break...go get yourself some lunch and go (get your nails done, get sushi, go to the mall/for a drive/et....).

I deserve someone whos not going to treat my girls like second class citizens because they arent THEIR children....

I deserve someone whos not going to fight with me on stupid things.

I deserve someone that wants to get married just as badly as i do.

Thats all I can think of at the moment, but for the start, thats what I deserve...I deserve happiness. and love. and peace.

Im sellin all my shit....

And becoming a full time RV'er...

After thinking about it at length for quite a while, this is something that Ive wanted to do for YEARS. But I never had the opportunity to do it...Here recently Ive had this little nagging thought in my head about doing it...And when me and Dave were together, we discussed doing it but we never had the money to buy an RV or anything...We loved camping and getting out there so I most definitely think its time...

The longer I'm in this trailer, the more I hate it....and then we just got the new lease from the new company taking over the park and theres all kinds of new rules about fences and no veggie gardens (BOOO!!!) and all that....that blows....So, im outta here as fast as I can get it fixed up neatly (not gonna go all out like i had planned but ill fix it up decently), sell the majority of my belongings...Whatever Im able to get for selling my stuff, what im able to save and what i sell this place for, i should be able to put down a nice sized deposit for a decent motorhome...

We looked at a BEAUTIFUL one today, but do i think that itll be there when Im ready to buy in a year or two? hell no, i dont, but hopefully, ill be able to get a good one for now, and eventually trade up for a bigger one if need be.

But i definitely think thisll be a FANTASTIC adventure :) and Im ready.

This is my Life Chapter One

I was born on September 11, 1976 at 11:28 AM at Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Camden, New Jersey. I was a hefty 7 lbs 4 ounces and 21 inches long. And although it should have been a happy occasion, it wasn't. I was born to a teenaged mother who was 16 when she had me. And in that time, unwed teenaged mothers was virtually unheard of. From the moment I was conceived, you could tell that it was an unpleasant elephant in the room. I was unwanted. I was told that many times through my life. But, for the most part, for the first year of my life, it was ok.

But, I think that Ive always known that I was unwanted. Aside from my Great Grandparents. My great grandparents saved my life. How did they save me you ask? By demanding that my mother not have yet another abortion. See, my mother tells me that she had an IUD in when she got pregnant with me, but that it failed. She never wanted me. She told me on various occasions that she was forced to have me and that I ruined her childhood.

Prior to her getting pregnant with me, she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion at the tender age of 14. You'd think that would have maybe stopped her from having sex before she was ready to be a mom, but, I digress. Around a year and a half later, she got pregnant with me. Obviously Im meant to be here.

When I was born, my great grandmother wouldn't let my mother take me out of the house until I was baptized because she was UBER Catholic. Ya know, the whole limbo thing. Funnily enough though, my mother is the LEAST religious person that I know. Well, maybe not the ONLY one. But at the point, she was. So clearly, that was my Grandmothers doing. And I guess it was the beginning of my spiritual life and journey. But we'll get to that later on.

I am forever in-debted to my grandparents because they saved my life. They let my mom and I live in their big victorian house in Cramer Hill, Camden, NJ. My grandparents meant the world to me because although my mother didn't want me and my biological father was nowhere to be found, my grandparents took care of us and treated me like a princess. Presents and toys and love and hugs…It was a great time in my life. When they died, it was the biggest blow to my heart that Ive ever felt in my life. One of the first chips in my heart that Ill feel.

**********************************************

When I was about a year old, my mother met a man who later became my Step Dad. When I was 18 months old, at the urging of my mother, I started calling him Daddy. I didn't really know what that meant but, I did it anyway. He wasn't my Daddy but I didn't know that until later on in life when he wanted to adopt me when I was ten. Unfortunately, it never happened because my mother said she couldn't find my biological father. This was way before internet and the super duper high speed highway and search engines. I grew up not knowing him. But at that point, unless my Daddy yelled at me for something, I didn't really think about him. I had a Daddy. And he loved me. He treated me really well.

When I was around 11 or 12, after the whole adoption thing had faded, I was going through my mothers record collections. They were the big ones. I remember seeing all the names of the bands on the covers. The Doors. The Beatles. JanisJoplin. And a bunch of others I can't remember. But, on one particular one, I saw the name "SPIDER" written on one. And it was clearly the nickname of someone. I just shrugged, thinking it was probably the name of one of my mothers friends.

Until one day when I was laying on my moms bed next to her and I asked her, "Mom, who's Spider?"

And I saw the color drain from her face and her eyes get this terrified look in her eyes. She stammered a little bit and then she said in a huffy kinda way, the way she usually did when I asked her a question that she either wasn't ready to a newer or, she didn't WANT to answer it, "He's your father."

That was the start of me wanting to know who my father was and where I came from, outside of her. I asked her if she had a picture of him. She curtly told me no. I asked her about my name and if what it said in my baby book was true, that she named me after the month he was born in. She said yes. When I asked her why she named me that, and she said "*huff* I don't know April, I was 16, I didn't know what else to name you."

But yet she gives me the middle name of Jeanette. Huh.

*********************************************

During this time, at school, I was miserable. Of course, most girls at 11 or 12 are going through that weird awkward stage in life. But I was going through even worse.

I was the new girl at school. I was pretty. And I was starting to develop faster then the girls in my grade, so I was getting a lot of attention from the boys that the other girls didn't like. So I was teased. And gossiped about. And bullied. BADLY. And it continued to get worse all the way up til graduation in 8th grade.

My grades started to slip. Things at home were increasingly bad as well because after my brother was born, I was suddenly not the little Princess anymore. The second he was born, I became "april who?" and he became the little Prince and got everything he wanted.

There was also a lot of fighting amount my parents. Vicious fights. Abusive fights. Nights where I would hide in my brothers room and hold him, scared out of my mind, while my parents beat the shit out of each other. Terrified they were going to come in and start beating us.

Then came the bombshell.

My mom and Dad were getting divorced. He left. And my world came crumbling down.

I became the insta-babysitter to my then extremely hyper, a.d.h.d., 5 year old brother. I would get up in the morning, make sure he ate, got him and myself dressed. Then we'd walk to school in freezing cold weather while my mother lounged around in bed. Most days, we were lucky if we had food for breakfast or lunch money.

She much rather would have spent money on designer dresses and suits and shit for my brother then food for us. There were many nights shed call my Daddy to put oil in our tank because it was freezing, she didn't have any money and we had none.

When my Daddy left, I became a punching bag for her. It was my fault he left. And Im not talking about spanking. Im talking full out hitting punching and screaming obscenities at me a mother should never say to her teenaged daughter. She started drinking heavily.at that time, she was also smoking pot, which i didn't know what it was until later on in life.

I remember the first real brutal beating i took from her. She had gone out with her friends, again. She had really started partying and going out til all hours of the night, leaving me at home with my young brother to baby sit him.

My uncle had come over that night to check on us. I ha asked him to light the pilot light on the over so that I could make cookies for her as a present. A desperate attempt at getting her love back. I didn't understand what I had done to make her hate me so much.

I had made the last batch and put them in the oven. I fell asleep, because it was late. I woke up to her screaming at me and pulling me off the couch by my hair. The house was full of smoke, because they had burned into a black char of what they were supposed to be. She screamed at me how stupid i was, how clumsy, that I could have burned the house down. I was screaming and crying to stop and begging her that I loved her and i didn't understand why she was doing this to me. I kept telling her that I wanted her to love me. But, she kept on. All the while hitting and punching me til I was crumpled in a hysterical ball.

When shed finally stopped, I was left to clean it up in the middle of the night. So much for the gift I was making for her.

On many nights, this was the same exact thing that happened. It got to the point that I was walking on eggshells to avoid the beatings. But, they'd happen for stuff I didn't even do.

Around this time, she ran into my biological father at a night club she was at. When she told me, I was over joyed. I thought that I was finally going to have a Daddy again that was going to save me. I thought he would come and rescue me.

But, she kept him at arms length.

Then I found out i had a sister. I was again overjoyed. I had always wanted a sister. And then I found out that I had a niece. I was happy as a lark. I got to meet them all and things started looking up. I started spending a lot of time at my sisters house, spending time with my niece and babysitting her. Happy to get out of the house, away from the devil.

Until we moved.

***********************************************

who am i?

I'm mouthy, opinionated, free spirited, independent and strong. It will take a STRONG man to deal with the way that i am...I CAN be a bitch with a sharp tongue... If you're man enough to break through my tough outter shell, I urge you to try. It will be a challenge...it will show me that you are worth it....I have my own car, I own my house, I'm self employed and homeschool my kids. I've been through hell and back so I have a REALLY tough exterior to break through.... But I can guarantee, I'm worth it...

That being said....Im not exactly sure what im even looking for at the moment...Im kind of at a weird place in my life right now...I have my own car, just bought a house that im remodeling (its going to take a WHILE) ...I have my businesses that im trying to get up and running here in NJ....I am WAYYYY to independent..Im too free spirited and often I forget to include others in what im doing/want to do an am extremely used to doing things on my own....I often do things at a whim and dont often care what others want me to do or not. Ive lived my life so freely in the last 7 yrs since my late husband died that unless the right person comes that makes me want to change things, I like living how I want.

Dont get it twisted. Im not a Dominant personality really...But in my life, i tend to be a control freak because I can be...i NEED to be....I HAVE to be...I like being able to control how things go in my life. Im a planner. I plan EVERYTHING and as the one song goes "i make lists in my sleep." I dont need/like someone telling me how to live my life because ive done very well living it so far....Yes, I may have struggled but I've made it through barely unscathed.

My heart has been bruised and broken into a gajillion pieces....Ive come back from being abused...lied to....cheated on...and i still keep rolling with the punches... I have a lot of idiosyncrasies that i wont/cant give up. So the person that happens to make those walls i mentioned above fall, will be undoubtably understanding and accepting of them.

My bodys been beat up by having 5 babies. Im not super skinny and I dont have this model type body...Im short and have a pudgy middle that i suck in and put two waist cinchers on every time i get dressed because its a self conscious spot....I have stretch marks. My tits sag from breastfeeding...But i have beautiful legs and arms and face and heart. There are things in my head that sometimes get in the way of me pursuing anything because i have yet to find that ONE person, who was like my late husband, who would accept them and help me through them.

My mother pretty much desserted me at a young age when her "prince" was born right after me...I was abused and ignored and belittled and treated like shit by a shit load of people that were supposed to care about me.

People that I was supposed to trust killed my heart.

Killed my trust.

Took advantage of me....of my kindness.....So, time and time again, it makes my bitchy attitude side come out because try as i may, most guys still ONLY see me for sex and it irritates the living piss out of me. Just because I dress/look a certain way, doesn't mean im ALL about sex...I want intimacy....love...passion....sweetness... compassion...snuggly nights where i just hold hands and put my head on my guys shoulder...

For the right person.....I have ALL the love in the world to give....All the kindness and compassion and sweetness and passion they could ever dream of.......

But one things for sure, I DESPERATELY need for something to go INCREDIBLY slow.

I need time of talking and getting to know someone, to see if they're worthy of my heart before I even meet them....I need to feel that *spark* during conversations that involve more then "hi, how are you?" and other casual conversation...

I have way to much going on in my life to be worried about impressing someone with a "bullshit hide behind a computer screen" self....This is me. Pure REALness...Utter and complete bluntness and no bullshit...

I also wont make plans to meet someone if m not getting a click vibe from one or two conversations ..I dont care if they're the "go out and get it when they see something they like" kinda guys...I dont give a shit what kind of guy you are....If IM not ready, we aint meeting, no matter how much you beg, bug, nag, cajole or threaten...You threaten you're bolting, so be it. BYE. dont let the off button burn your finger on the way to turning it off. No skin off my tits.

Giving me ultimatums aint gonna work....Ive lived 7 YRS of that shit, 2 while single...Ive hit my limit and WONT tolerate it anymore...

So, thats kinda where Im at at the moment...Struggling with who I am and what i want.

I have a lot of catching up to do...

I really have been keeping up on my writing.

Just not updating my blogs here....So, Im going to post as many as i can up til this point from January....EEEK, thisll be long...


Stripping Again..
Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:06pm
After working several jobs since moving down here waiting tables and finding that people are idiots in this area with tipping, i discussed with the B/f about going back to stripping.

He agreed that it would be a good thing seeing as Id make more money faster by doing that then making the measly $40 a night waiting tables (hard to support yourself, put gas in the car and save money when you're only making $40 a night in tips...nope, not at all)

So, Ive started (Re)stocking up on my "stripper attire" by buying two new outfits (half of one is on back order, GOD DAMN IT, and I have to wait until NEXT WEEK to get it....from fed ex...ugh.), a white, knee high pair of leather looking lace up boots that go with the half an outfit...I bought a pair of sparkly silver platform stripper shoes and a gun metal dress to go along with it.

Now i just need to get gstrings from the one place in South Philly next week.

The lot of my other outfits are currently in storage because Im living with a couple of my best friends, who opened their home to me and my girls after a hellish two months with my inlaws (see previous journal posting)....I have a few outfits here that I brought with me "just in case" and that will be around 5 outfits until Im able to start making more money and buying more clothes to help me entice the masses of men into spending more money on my incredibly gorgeous self. (sarcasm here ladies and gentlemen)...

Ive already auditioned at one club and they put me down as a "on call dancer" which in code means "you weren't good enough to hire so we'll just give you a bullshit line to make you think youre hired but we'll really never call you."

Why cant people just be honest?

It kinda pissed me off because ALL of the girls there were telling me that I danced better then the majority of the girls there....Hmmm, jealousy perhaps? Youd think that theyd WANT someone in there that knows how to move and seduce with dancing but apparently they just want girls who stand on stage and do the booty bumpin ass clappin dance moves that I wouldnt qualify as DANCING per se.

ugh.

Ill give them a call later, to see what the status is...But Ill also call other clubs to find out if theyre hiring dancers and find out when auditions are.

So, ladies and gents, Im back to being a stripper...And im actually happy about it.


Popularity...
Friday, January 4, 2013 at 11:29pm

In all my life, Ive never been popular. Sure, Ive had "friends" during points in my life that have used me for thier own personal gains, but, usually, as soon as they get what they wanted/needed or didnt need me anymore, they'd disappear.

Now, I can count on both hands how many true REAL honest to Goddess friends that I have, that have been there through the years and through the bullshit with me...

Yes, some are online, some are in person but I am happy and grateful for those friendships and that I can honestly say that I trust them enough with my heart, my life and that of my childrens lives. I am truly and utterly thankful and grateful that they have earned that place in myheart that will never been forgotten nor replaced.

Amoung them, the ones who've been there in some way, whether it was to support me, encourage me, be my cheering squad, a sounding board, hang out with me, drink with me, comforted me, and didnt or havent judged me for the things Ive done or the choices Ive made in life, I sincerely completely thank you...

I have to say that Ive always wanted to be "popular"...to have a crapton on friends and be almost "famous" in some way...to have "fans" and successes in things like my make up artist career, or when I did youtube, or other avenues, but now, I see that those wouldnt have made me happy because they werent REAL friendships...they would have been imaginary...fake...

What makes me happy is that I can call on those that ARE real in my life, that I can truly call friends...I can call them in the middle of the night and theyd try everything in their powers to come running (literally and figuratively)...The ones that have been around through the last 10 or so years...

The ones that have stuck by me through thick and thin...the ones who havent desserted me in my "darkest hours"..

I can honestly say, with EVERY fiber of my being:

THANK YOU...

To those people, Ann, Gary, Kim, Wendy, Karen, Rhiannon, Jesus, James. Georgann, Crystal, Lacie, Tyson, Addy, Brigitte, Heather, Susan, Andrea, Scott, Dee, Koni, Chris, Jay, Harry, Noelle, Brad and Gina and ANYONE whom I missed that has been there for me in their own little way, no matter WHAT it was, I love you all, from the very very bottom of my heart. Your friendships mean the world to me and I can only hope that i mean even a smidgen of what you all mean to me.

Thank you in whatever ways youve helped me learn, grow, and develop into the woman that I am today.



Writers Block...
Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 10:59pm

Im trying desperately to come up with something to write about and my mind is a complete blank...do I write about religion? relationships? cats? I am trying so so hard to figure out something to write about...but my brain is going "UH UHHHHHH..."

Two days....TWO DAYS ive been trying to figre out something to write about and my brain is severely blocked blocked blocked.

ughhhhhhhhhh....


The word "slut"
Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 11:02am

after reading a discussion on another website that Im on, it got my writing juices flowing...

The thread was this one:

"I hear the debate about what is a slut so let me ladies is there a number of sexual partners that equals slut? Everyone likes to talk about their "number" and partners often ask each others their "number" (even though that cane a bad idea) so what si the "number" that equals slut? Is it 15? 20? 25? 30? or some larger number?"

to which I replied:
i actually dont believe in the word "slut" per se...who actually determines what/who a slut is??? Ive seen women call another woman a slut simply because of the way she was dressed...Ive heard women call their friend a slut because she slept with someones bf/fiance/husband....the word is SUCH a toss-around term that it really doesn't apply to anything major in my world anymore...Its SO SO overused that it simply doesn't apply anymore.

I really dont think that the number of sexual partners a person has had MAKES them a "slut"....I call that person "sexually free/open". I dont use words like slut, whore, hussy etc to describe a person...In fact I honestly give that person props for doing what they want and not really caring about what people call them...
If there IS such a "magical number" then what would it be to YOU OP??

and it got me thinking....what do YOU consider a "slut"??? Have you ever called someone that word because of a way someone was acting/dressed??

I know someone, that if you use the term slut to her, she goes APESHIT....And i often wonder why...Is it because underneath, in her mind, she KNOWS that shes a slut but doesnt OWN it? Is it because shes ashamed because she knows shes one? Or is it something deeper?

TO me, if someone calls me a slut/whore/whatever, I simply turn to them and thank them. I thank them because by them calling me a derogatory name, it shows me their TRUE character...and Im not talking dirty bedroom pillow talk...Im talking about if someone sees an outfit im wearing or something and theyre JEALOUS (which, lets be honest, 9 times out of ten, a woman WILL call another woman a slut out of jealousy) and they call me a slut/whore whatever...I laugh at them and usually say "is that the best ya got?"

I was called a slut in juinor high because I kissed someone...dressed differently...even had sex before anyone else...and who cares NOW? because I lost my virginity at 13/14? No one...girls NOW are loosing it even sooner, and it doesnt make them SLUTS. It makes them curious kids. I can honestly say that to ME the word slut, is just that....a word. it doesnt MEAN anthing to me so therefore I dont give it power...and when you GIVE something power, its going to bug/anger/upset you...its JUST a word that has no power unless you GIVE it power.

A lot of people let derogatory names get to them. A lot of people flip out, use anger, violence, hatred when someone calls them something...I just shake my head and laugh and usually know that when someone calls someone a name, its because of THEIR insecurites.

I dont believe in any term that society has cooked up to describe a sexually free woman (or man for that matter)....in that respect, if a man can go out and "be a slut" so to speak, its 2013, why cant a woman? Why is there still a stigma attached to going home with someone and DOING whats natural for our bodies?



Im done and Ive stopped looking...
Sunday, February 17, 2013 at 11:48pm

So, after many attempts at trying to find my other half and finding the "ONE", I've given up. Ive been single for going on two years now and i simply just cant seem to find anyone that will put up with or deal with the way that I am.

So, Ive given up COMPLETELY on things...I was so lonely and desperate to be in a relationship that I was seriously thinking about marrying someone i didn't even know just to be with someone....Then we met and it was terrible...No chemistry or anything. Im simply afraid, to old and set in my ways to let anyone come along and be in my life when they'll probably just end up leaving in the long run...everyone leaves eventually...So I have completely given up on ever finding anything ever again.

Also, im too afraid to date or be with anyone because I have three little girls. They're getting older now and they're gorgeous. After something traumatic happening in my life in 2001, I just CANT get passed the danger of letting someone in that could do something to harm them....and no amount of googling or research or getting to know someone will tell you who someone is....And Im not taking that chance.
Between that and the fear of the guy leaving after letting my heart fall, and not being able to handle that, i engross myself in watching netflix and crocheting and just being in my head about things...over and over again I play things in my head of things that could go wrong...I avoid public places as much as i can because i dont want to be hit on for fear that men only see me as a sex object...Ill give them my heart, mind, body and soul and then he'll bail....its just not worth it...

I dont like bringing my girls out to the public because im terrified they'll get kidnapped...and lets face it, in this day and age, it could happen...I have anxiety about them leaving my side when we're somewhere and Im constantly doing head checks to make sure they're all with me....I homeschool them for the same reason...(on top of many many other reasons)...If anything happened to them, I honestly would crumble. I would completely loose my mind.

When i was younger, my mother would go grocery shopping and I would go over to the magazine rack and just sit while she shopped reading and fantasizing about the celebrities in the magazines...I couldn't do that with my girls...Id be terrified of something happening...

Bring a strange man who isnt their father into the equation....on top of my MANY trust issues...i just cant do it. Im broken. I give up.



"I always liked you as a...."
Sunday, February 24, 2013 at 12:13pm

Ya know...When someone says to me "i always liked you better as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is", I always shake my head and my irritation meter goes through the roof....Really? If you only liked the way i looked when I was blonde/brunette/redheaded/whatever, then that means you only "liked" me a certain way and if i change whatever it is, then you dont like me?? And that you dont think of me as a "friend" and only an object on your friends list...If thats the case, then you can delete me right now....

I really dont give a shit if people only "like me" as a blonde/redhead/brunette/whatever it is...Its my life. Im not trying to impress anyone...If you dont like ME AS A PERSON, regardless of whether im a blonde or a Redhead or whatever, that shows your shallowness.

I am SO tired of completely shallow people. Iam so tired of the backhanded compliments. I am so tired of the "i always liked you as a...." emails....If you like me, whether as a friend, love interest, WHATEVER, you wouldn't just LIKE me for my hair color, or what status i keep for myself, whether i be single married engaged whatever etc....Life is about change. And I change my hair as much as i want...i fluctuate in the way i am status wise as many times as i do because of things im going through in life...If you dont like when im a bitch, tough shit. Because its fuckwitted comments like "i always liked you better as a (insert whatever it is here)" that make me say, ya know....FUCK YOU.

If you only like me when Im the sweet, positive, caring woman that i USUALLY am, and dont like my brass bluntness when Ive hit my limit, then maybe we were never friends at all, and you should delete me right now...

If you cant "like" the complete package AS I AM, then you never liked me at all.


Ready to give up...
Saturday, April 13, 2013 at 4:22pm

ya know, Im started to get really discouraged and think that im seriously going to end up alone...i have friends that jump in and out of relationships left and right, that never have a lapse in being single, and they dont even look for it, it just happens...then i see celebrities doing the same thing...i see guys fighting over a not so great woman and im left standing there like "well, if guys think THAT train wreck is so great, i must be a total waste of space..." Im SO tired of seeing all these relationships around me and having nothing myself. to the point that ive completely given UP on love. Ive given up on finding ANYTHING...seriously. On all my profiles that i have on random sites (NOT dating sites, just other social networking things), i have "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING. so dont bother contacting me if you want something because its a very good possibility that you only want to get laid."...because apparently, thats all im fucking good for. Im seriously starting to think that something is wrong with me, that im not worth anything, and that no one will ever want me...My self esteem is seriously tanking to the point that ive gained weight and am now up to 155 pounds. I dont want to do anything, i dont want to do my hair or make up or anything....Im so discouraged and upset and i just dunno if i can handle anymore....

Add to that that i still havent found a place of my own yet (the one place i THOUGHT i found a few months ago fell through) and we're sleeping on air mattresses at someones house...not gonna say who because i dont need the added questions) home...I NEED my own place...Im DYING. I miss my stuff. I miss cooking with my stuff and LIVING how i want to live without fear of someone yet AGAIN kicking us out....

Granted, my inlaws didnt kick us out, I left, but, I left because of circumstances that even THEY dont understand what the fuck they did to make me RUN as fast as i could away from them (AGAIN.)....i had "friends" who kept telling me to get out of there and move in with them....Yea, well, they didnt turn out to be such good friends because they kicked me and the girls out with nowhere to go....Seriously.

I had to move in (thank god temporarily) with a guy that i didnt even LIKE that much. In fact, the day they had kicked me out, i HAD planned on ending it with him....He was just too.....He couldnt respet the fact that i needed TIME to trust him and he SERIOUSLY kept pushing boundaries of mine that i just WAS NOT ready for him to push...or let go of....There were nights that I went to sleep, not knowing if i was going to wake up to being raped or not. He was really a skeeze...and then he couldnt understand why i RAN as fast as i could when i could. Theres more to it, but this would be one reason why im alone...and think that i WILL be alone...but anyway, those "friends" that kicked us out, i will never speak to again. Because they did something that i thought they NEVER would have, and my trust in humanity and people has been completely shattered.

Im just so so seriously ready to give up and i just really dont know what to do anymore....Aside from where Im staying, i have NO ONE. Seriously. Im doing this ALL ON MY OWN. and im exhausted.

The girls are grating on my nerves because they make messes and then so i dont want to be bitched at, im following them around like a fucking slave cleaning up after them...Theyre 10, 8 and 7 and no matter how much i yell at them, its like they just dont care...I should be getting MORE time to myself, not LESS because i have to follow them around...Im FUCKING exhausted. I havent had a break or a REAL time to myself in i dont know how long....I NEED my own place...

And i try to think positively. I really do...But im seriously at my fucking WITS end.

I just really dont know what to do anymore. and im really ready to give up.



Wow...
Saturday, May 4, 2013 at 10:17pm

If you would have told me a month ago, that I would be sitting in MY own home, I would have said that you were crazy...

But, here I sit. In a home thats MINE. I bought it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a home OWNER.

Roughly 2 weeks ago, I had this opportunity drop into my lap...someone that I hadnt spoken to or really had any contact with was selling it...they are friends of Dave's...Now, not only are they friends of MINE, but theyre family to me.....I brought him over one day for him to help them finish the siding on it...and less then 4 hours later, I told them Id buy it from them....They gave me a really great deal and I couldnt be happier.

Within the next week and a half or so, it was whirlwind...getting things together, packing, moving, situating....planning, planning and more planning...We moved in last week.

Its really tiny and needs some work, but since my rent went from $1500 a month to $360 a month for lot rent, Im now left with about $900 to spend a month remodeling it and fixing whats wrong...In addition to putting on an addition within the next yr (which will come AFTER we redo the INSIDE and i put aside a decent chunk of money), the bathroom, kitchen and two bedrooms that the girls are sharing will all be redone...The living-room will be repainted and recarpeted, and the hallway painted and recarpeted,

Even though its tiny, I have a decent chunk of property to play with. I have a side yard, a front yard (which will be where the addition will be added to, in addition of my driveway, and garden), and a nice sized backyard that I will be adding a patio set to, a swing and either a fire pit or a chiminea to for those chilly fall nights to sit out at...

Im beyond happy with my new home. I will be able to do anything I want to it and not have to deal with a landlord bitching at me for changing something...I will also be able to get a dog. :) Unfortunately not a pittie like I wanted as theyre not allowed in this park...but a dog nonetheless.

I have exchanged emails with a Labrador breeder and the guy behind me is planning on breeding his Mastiff and I told him Id be interested in one of his puppies once they were born and weaned....

Ive also always wanted an african grey parrot and now that ill have the extra money, I am finally able to get one....

Ya know, when I chose to move back to New Jersey, never did i imagine having my OWN HOME, that Id own...I figured id be stck in a place that i hated, and even after moving back considered moving to Ohio...Had even spoken to a couple of people there, and started making plans...it was the day after i spoke to the one realtor that this place dropped into my lap....Guess fate wants me HERE. lol

When i wrote that journal almost a month ago, I was so discouraged and upset. I didn't know which way was up...I was sleeping on the floor in my Ex-mother in laws home...miserable...

And then this...I almost didnt come over here that day...But Dave talked me into it...I almost said no...When i first saw the place, I said to him "um...WTF?! this is the place???"

But once I came in...Once i thought about the benefits...Once i thought about where I was living and this more then likely was going to be a really GOOD thing for me and started really LOOKING at it....

Im really glad that i came over. I am very happy that its mine and I dont have to worry about someone bitching at me for one reason or another (ann and gary or exmom in law)...or kicking me out...this is MY HOME.

.....I wonder now if im gonna get that boyfriend ive wanted for a while now........

writing everyday for a year...

So, I made a new years resolution yesterday about writing about something every single day for a solid year to get my creative juices flowing a bit...Todays topic will be doing away with people in my life that have stifled me...

Until recently, I was living with my late husbands family with my girls. They are hardcore devout Christians and massively vanilla.

In my late husbands and i's marriage, they tried to control everything about it, and he let them. We were under their thumb like crazy crazy...Theyd call and hed come running...Theyd say "do it THIS way", and hed do it....Even down to us having kids...They were NEVER happy for us, and even made him get a paternity test for my middle child because they for SURE that i was a whore and got pregnant by someone else and was pinning it on him (it turned out his OF COURSE...)

Staying with them for 2 months was hell. I was constantly feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells and be careful about what I said, who I was, who I was talking to and all that. They were constantly in my business and it drove me crazy....The day after i moved in, I got up early to go get my best friend to help me move stuff out of the uhaul into the storage unit i had rented...I had barely started my car and was pulling out the driveway when my sister in law called me from her bedroom saying "where ya going?"

REALLY????

After I found out that my mother in law put her hands on my child and SHOOK her while I was at work one day, I snapped....It happened on a Sunday and I was out of there on Wednesday, staying with my owners mother until the friend Im currently living with felt better (she had been ill)...

The way they treated my girls was abhorable. Yelling and screaming at them for the slightest things...taking things away like crayons and playdough and anything creative they played with...Ive always raised my girls to be creative and free spirited and open...There, we were stifled and they constantly screamed at them.

On one occasion, my sister in law (ill call her Bitch from here on out), came home from being out somewhere...My girls had been outside happily playing in mud puddles....They hadn't made any messes and were careful at my insistence, not to track mud through the house if they came in...

My father in law was aware of what they were doing and I was sitting right there, watching, listening, paying attention to what my girls were doing...

She was standing in the kitchen doing something and she looks out the window. She runs to the door, FLINGS it open and SCREAMS at them "GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT MUD!!!"

I told her that they had BEEN playing in it all day and she flips out saying "mom doesn't want mud in the house!" (when in all actuality, I do believe that it was HER that didn't want mud tracked through the house because she's OCD and controlling)

I told her that they had been fine playing out there all day and that they hadn't tracked mud in the house at all, and then i said "And, you REALLY need to stop screaming at my kids all the time", to which she had replied "its MY house, ill scream at them all i want."

Now, let me say that this was HER PARENTS house. She has NEVER lived on her own......EVER.... she's 28. She has a BEDROOM.

She replied "well, actually, I pay RENT so it IS my house..."

To which I said "This is your parents house....you may pay rent but you have a fuckin BEDROOM, not the entire house." (and guarantee that she pays very VERY minimal rent...and this was the FIRST shed mentioned EVER having to pay rent...which i think was a lie.)

Shes an idiot but its prime example of how they are...She and my mother in law even tried dictating where I get a job at...even going so far as to tell me that my sister in laws boss said that hed give me a job, like I couldn't or didn't have the ability to get a job on my own.

After the shaking incident, I decided that I just couldn't handle the way the entire family was...Controlling, obsessive, in your business....I can handle it if my OWNER is that way, but overall, im a free spirit who's used to coming and going as I please, not answering to anyone...

After moving out, i cut all ties with them. Blocking them from calling me (i have a block feature on my cell), deleting and blocking them off my girls' facebook that I had originally made for them while we were in Rhode Island so that their family (the inlaws) could see how they were doing...

And I honestly have to say that in the 10+ years that ive known them, I feel SO peaceful and happy and am able to finally be myself again...Even my middle daughter Holli said to me on New Years Eve, "mommy, Im SO much happier here then I was at Mom Mom's...We aren't getting orders barked at us or yelled at anymore." They are able to be themselves here and so am I.

Im so so happy relieved and glad that I FINALLY did what my owner said 6 years ago to do...Cut ties.