I am looking to adopt a dog. No pits (per my landlord) but any other breed is fine.
I went to the Providence Animal Shelter and the Rhode Island ASPCA but unfortunately, most of the dogs there are considered "pit bulls" (even though the one dog that I fell in love with is an American Staff, the lady there told my landlord he was a pit and he said no when she called to make sure it was ok to have him)....
Anyway, I digress....i REALLY want a dog. But, I do NOT want to buy one at a petstore as they tend to be from puppy mills......not to mention the fact that everyone wants puppies but I want a dog that needs a second chance.
I placed an add/answered like 10 on craigslist and several of the people were asking outrages prices....One guy wanted $500 for his 100% purebred full German Rotty because they got her and she "wasnt working out for showing so he wants to get some of the money back that he invested in her......." THAT broke my heart...
Another girl wanted $1800 for a 4 month old english bull dog puppy.
OUCH.
I just want a dog. REALLY REALLY want a dog.
My neighbors got raided a few months ago (that are attached to me) and now, at night, when Im alone, I get freaked out at every little noise. Sometimes, even when hubby is here at home...Im totally paranoid and really dont like when people knock on my door if I dont know theyre coming.
Im very much a "keep to myself" kind of person and dont like unannounced visits.
I think having a dog would help with my anxiety and paranoia with a lot of things...I also think those things are also why Im such a control freak....
But anyway, I want a dog...And I dont want to buy one, I want to adopt.
May 28, 2011
What Ive learned from Lisa Nichols's Book "NO MATTER WHAT! 9 Steps to living the life you love"
Develop your "Bounce Back Muscles"
1 - Understanding Muscle -
Search for the gift in each circumstance
Look outside your immediate situation to the bigger picture
Go into your heart to find compassion
Put yourself in the other persons shoes
2 - Faith-In-Myself Muscle -
Turn off the negativ CD playing in your head and turn on the positive side
Treat yourself with REspect and kindness
Borrow fath from others when yours runs low
Surround yourself with your "rocket Booster Community" - People who love, celebrate and encourage you
3 - Take-Action Muscle
Recognize when youre moaning - i.e. "lying on the nail"
Refocus on your original goal
Be open to other, possibly better, ways to reach it
Keep in view your highest dreams and the ways in which you want to be of service while youre on this earth
4 - I-Know-Like-I- KNOW Muscle
Open yourself up to whatever Higher Power you believe in
Invite that Higher Power into your life NOW; dont wait until youre "perfect"
Learn to access a larger source of strength at will through meditation, breathing, or prayer
Feel the constant presence of your Higher Power in your heart through Gratitude
5 - Honesty Muscle
Be willing to take unflinching inventory of what works and what doesnt in your life
Take responsibility for your part in creating your situation
Address the things that dont work with detachment and clarity
Embrace yourself enough to share your truth with others
6 - Say-Yes Muscle
Hear and acknowledge what life is calling you to do
Test the waters by saying yes in small ways
Commit to playing full out
Formulate practical strategies to living your dreams
7 - Determination Muscle
Face the truth of your situation
Pick a target to aim for
Use the power of focus
Stay firmly connecte to your spiritual center and ask the people you love for assistance
8 - Forgiveness Muslce
Pinpint negative feelings revolving around old issues
Reconnect with your self love and begin to forgive youself
Go through Total Truth Process: honestly process the emotions beneath your anger and hurt and OWN all of them
Find compassion to embrace a deeper level of forgiveness
9 - Highest Choice Muscle
Become fully away of the unhealthy behavior you want to change in your life
Identify the nedd you are trying to fill through that behavior
Find the best and healthiest way to satisfy that need
Align your choices with your highest aspirations.
1 - Understanding Muscle -
Search for the gift in each circumstance
Look outside your immediate situation to the bigger picture
Go into your heart to find compassion
Put yourself in the other persons shoes
2 - Faith-In-Myself Muscle -
Turn off the negativ CD playing in your head and turn on the positive side
Treat yourself with REspect and kindness
Borrow fath from others when yours runs low
Surround yourself with your "rocket Booster Community" - People who love, celebrate and encourage you
3 - Take-Action Muscle
Recognize when youre moaning - i.e. "lying on the nail"
Refocus on your original goal
Be open to other, possibly better, ways to reach it
Keep in view your highest dreams and the ways in which you want to be of service while youre on this earth
4 - I-Know-Like-I- KNOW Muscle
Open yourself up to whatever Higher Power you believe in
Invite that Higher Power into your life NOW; dont wait until youre "perfect"
Learn to access a larger source of strength at will through meditation, breathing, or prayer
Feel the constant presence of your Higher Power in your heart through Gratitude
5 - Honesty Muscle
Be willing to take unflinching inventory of what works and what doesnt in your life
Take responsibility for your part in creating your situation
Address the things that dont work with detachment and clarity
Embrace yourself enough to share your truth with others
6 - Say-Yes Muscle
Hear and acknowledge what life is calling you to do
Test the waters by saying yes in small ways
Commit to playing full out
Formulate practical strategies to living your dreams
7 - Determination Muscle
Face the truth of your situation
Pick a target to aim for
Use the power of focus
Stay firmly connecte to your spiritual center and ask the people you love for assistance
8 - Forgiveness Muslce
Pinpint negative feelings revolving around old issues
Reconnect with your self love and begin to forgive youself
Go through Total Truth Process: honestly process the emotions beneath your anger and hurt and OWN all of them
Find compassion to embrace a deeper level of forgiveness
9 - Highest Choice Muscle
Become fully away of the unhealthy behavior you want to change in your life
Identify the nedd you are trying to fill through that behavior
Find the best and healthiest way to satisfy that need
Align your choices with your highest aspirations.
May 23, 2011
What is the Secret and How can I apply it to my life?
So, today, after speaking to a very good friend of mine last night about it, I sat down to watch The Secret again. I had forgotten how happy it made me feel, the emotions coursing through me as I listened to everything that was said on the DVD...
I went to the website and thought that I would post "The Summary of the Secret" here for all those who down own, have never heard of, or are curious about this phenomanon called "The Secret" which is essentially, the Law of Attraction:
The Secret reveals the single most powerful law in the universe.
Rhonda Byrne's discovery of The Secret began with a glimpse of the truth of life within a 100-year old book. She went back through the centuries, tracing and uncovering The Secret that lay at the core of the most powerful philosophies, teachings and religions in the world.
What Rhonda discovered is now captured in The Secret, a film that has changed millions of people's lives across the planet. No matter who you are, no matter where you are, you can change your life.
This is The Secret to prosperity, health, relationships and happiness. This is The Secret to life.
Money is magnetic energy. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.
To become a powerful money magnet:
Money
Be clear about the amount of money you want to receive. State it and intend it! Don't think about how much you can earn, but how much you want to receive.
Fall in love with money. Most people do not love money, because they always feel that they don't have enough of it.
Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already.
Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as "I can't afford it", "It is too expensive".
Do not speak or think of the lack of money for a single second.
Be grateful for the money you have. Appreciate it as you touch it.
Make lists of all the things you will buy with an abundance of money.
Do whatever it takes for you to feel wealthy.
Affirm to yourself every day that you have an abundance of money, and that it comes to you effortlessly.
Appreciate all the riches around you, including the riches of others. Look for wealth wherever you go, and appreciate it.
Be certain that money is coming to you.
Love yourself and know that you are deserving and worthy of an abundance of money.
Remind yourself everyday that you are a money magnet, and ask yourself often during the day, am I attracting money
now or pushing it away with my thoughts?
Always, always pay yourself first from your wage, then pay your creditors. In that single act, you are telling the Universe that you are worthy and deserving of more.
Repeat over and over every day, "I am a money magnet and money comes to me effortlessly and easily."
Write out a check to yourself for the sum of money you would like to have and carry it in your wallet. Look at it often.
Do whatever it takes to feel good. The emotions of joy and happiness are powerful money magnets. Be happy now!
Love yourself!
Wealth is a mindset. Money is literally attracted to you or repelled from you. It's all about how you think.
You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment. To transform every single relationship you have in your life:
Relationships
Fall in love with YOU!
Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.
Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.
Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.
Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.
Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.
Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.
Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.
Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.
Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that
you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.
Love and respect yourself completely.
Know that you are perfect right now.
You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.
To open yourself up and become a powerful magnet to wellness and health from wherever you are now:
Health
Love yourself! Deeply, profoundly! Make lists of all the wonderful things about you. Add to it every day.
Free yourself of any past resentments or disappointments you may be holding about you.
Let go of any and all resentments from the past you may be holding of everyone and everything.
See yourself as completely well in your mind and visualize yourself doing things in a complete state of perfect health.
Do not speak of your illness, or disease with others.
Love and appreciate everything and everyone, and especially yourself.
Know you have the power within you to heal yourself.
Never criticize or blame yourself or anyone else for anything.
Be grateful for the wellbeing that is coming to you.
See yourself as only well.
Be happy, knowing that in your state of happiness your body is healing itself.
As you appreciate, as you love, as you are happy, as you are grateful, you are summoning wellbeing and it is pouring
through your body and disease is vanishing in the moment.
Laugh! Hire funny movies or recall any memories that make you laugh. Laugh your way back to health.
Make lists every day of all the things you are grateful for, including being grateful for your healing and complete wellbeing.
You must do whatever you can to remove your attention from disease.
Distract yourself from thoughts of disease, and put all of your focus and attention on doing things that make you feel good.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life.
Resist nothing, love everything!
Know that there is no such thing as incurable.
As you love completely and feel the joy within you, disease cannot exist.
Know and accept that you are perfect as you are right now.
I plan on living this everyday from here on out...I used to live in on a daily basis but life got in the way and I am not going to allow that to happen ANYMORE.
I went to the website and thought that I would post "The Summary of the Secret" here for all those who down own, have never heard of, or are curious about this phenomanon called "The Secret" which is essentially, the Law of Attraction:
The Secret reveals the single most powerful law in the universe.
Rhonda Byrne's discovery of The Secret began with a glimpse of the truth of life within a 100-year old book. She went back through the centuries, tracing and uncovering The Secret that lay at the core of the most powerful philosophies, teachings and religions in the world.
What Rhonda discovered is now captured in The Secret, a film that has changed millions of people's lives across the planet. No matter who you are, no matter where you are, you can change your life.
This is The Secret to prosperity, health, relationships and happiness. This is The Secret to life.
Money is magnetic energy. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.
To become a powerful money magnet:
Money
Be clear about the amount of money you want to receive. State it and intend it! Don't think about how much you can earn, but how much you want to receive.
Fall in love with money. Most people do not love money, because they always feel that they don't have enough of it.
Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already.
Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as "I can't afford it", "It is too expensive".
Do not speak or think of the lack of money for a single second.
Be grateful for the money you have. Appreciate it as you touch it.
Make lists of all the things you will buy with an abundance of money.
Do whatever it takes for you to feel wealthy.
Affirm to yourself every day that you have an abundance of money, and that it comes to you effortlessly.
Appreciate all the riches around you, including the riches of others. Look for wealth wherever you go, and appreciate it.
Be certain that money is coming to you.
Love yourself and know that you are deserving and worthy of an abundance of money.
Remind yourself everyday that you are a money magnet, and ask yourself often during the day, am I attracting money
now or pushing it away with my thoughts?
Always, always pay yourself first from your wage, then pay your creditors. In that single act, you are telling the Universe that you are worthy and deserving of more.
Repeat over and over every day, "I am a money magnet and money comes to me effortlessly and easily."
Write out a check to yourself for the sum of money you would like to have and carry it in your wallet. Look at it often.
Do whatever it takes to feel good. The emotions of joy and happiness are powerful money magnets. Be happy now!
Love yourself!
Wealth is a mindset. Money is literally attracted to you or repelled from you. It's all about how you think.
You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment. To transform every single relationship you have in your life:
Relationships
Fall in love with YOU!
Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.
Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.
Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.
Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.
Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.
Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.
Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.
Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.
Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that
you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.
Love and respect yourself completely.
Know that you are perfect right now.
You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.
To open yourself up and become a powerful magnet to wellness and health from wherever you are now:
Health
Love yourself! Deeply, profoundly! Make lists of all the wonderful things about you. Add to it every day.
Free yourself of any past resentments or disappointments you may be holding about you.
Let go of any and all resentments from the past you may be holding of everyone and everything.
See yourself as completely well in your mind and visualize yourself doing things in a complete state of perfect health.
Do not speak of your illness, or disease with others.
Love and appreciate everything and everyone, and especially yourself.
Know you have the power within you to heal yourself.
Never criticize or blame yourself or anyone else for anything.
Be grateful for the wellbeing that is coming to you.
See yourself as only well.
Be happy, knowing that in your state of happiness your body is healing itself.
As you appreciate, as you love, as you are happy, as you are grateful, you are summoning wellbeing and it is pouring
through your body and disease is vanishing in the moment.
Laugh! Hire funny movies or recall any memories that make you laugh. Laugh your way back to health.
Make lists every day of all the things you are grateful for, including being grateful for your healing and complete wellbeing.
You must do whatever you can to remove your attention from disease.
Distract yourself from thoughts of disease, and put all of your focus and attention on doing things that make you feel good.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life.
Resist nothing, love everything!
Know that there is no such thing as incurable.
As you love completely and feel the joy within you, disease cannot exist.
Know and accept that you are perfect as you are right now.
I plan on living this everyday from here on out...I used to live in on a daily basis but life got in the way and I am not going to allow that to happen ANYMORE.
May 20, 2011
I cant believe the changes...
A year ago, I had just told Dave that I wanted him to move out...Once he did the beginning of June, I filed for divorce in August, went to court in October and by December he was back, and we were working things out....ALMOST separated again in April, actually driving him down to NJ and dropped him and his belongings off at Jays........................
Heres where it gets weird............When I kicked him out last year, I **HATED** him. I despised and loathed him.............But, he gave me my space that I needed (sorta) and I healed. My heart healed and my mind got over the hurt that he had caused. And I realized, through all of the bull, banishing, spells and blocking that I did to him in every way possible, he was STILL able to get a hold of me...And once my mind got over that, I started to accept talking to him and working on my marriage.
Then, when he came home, he got a job, which hes STILL working at....He's pretty much running the frozen department and hes went from 2 or three days a week, to suddenly 48 HOURS a week hes doing such a good job.....
When we almost split up in April (again), it was mostly because he was working so much and we had virtually NO communication, on top of a few other things, and when we DID have communication, he would say some VERY hurtful things that should NOT have come out of a husbands mouth to his wife.....HOWEVER, that being said, when I dropped him off in NJ, some stuff happened and while I was having a panic attack and mental breakdown, it was HIM that completely took over the situation, handled it FOR me and comforted me..........
I said to him "Now, if you would do THIS at HOME, we wouldnt be IN this situation right now, You wouldnt be HERE with all your stuff..."
And let me tell ya, (and, I wont say this to him because every-time I HAVE said something to him like this, the other shoe has "dropped" so to speak and things start to go down the shitter), I dunno if it was the thought that I didnt HESITATE to kick him out this time and I told him that this was it, no separation and that I was filing the divorce paperwork AS SOON AS I GOT HOME.........The seperation wasnt enough.
I told him this time that I wasnt doing this this time because I didnt love him....Fact is, I loved him (and still do very much) but I was tired of going round and round and round through the same cycle, hitting rewind every 6 months or so and going through it again....I told him he HAD to have consequences to opening his mouth and saying things before he thought them and treating me, his wife, like garbage and taking complete advantage of her. The way he treated me was that he was entitled to live here, that he didnt have to help out...
Well, needless to say, we talked through texting all weekend while he was at our friends house and I was at my in laws resting...And after I left there on that Monday, I went to pick him and all of his things BACK up and we came home...
And he has COMPLETELY turned over a new leaf...Hes been treating me better then he even did when we first started dating, contributing money to the household, taking me and the girls out to eat, buying things for the house...and this is what *truly* showed me hes trying to turn over a new leaf....
Earlier today, we have an argument...I started crying and walked out of the room and went to the bathroom...I wasn't mad, I was *REALLY* upset and disappointed about the topic we had been arguing about...........After a few minutes, he ACTUALLY came after me, knocked on the door...When I opened it, he wrapped me in his arms and GENUINELY said "I'm really sorry." Hes never said "I'm sorry" without urging from me.......shit, in general life.
But he said it....
I cant believe what a year does....and, I dont want to jinx it by saying itll "always" be like this because in my mind, thats not realistic because I know how we are.
We'll always go through cycles, but, I hope, for his sake, that he keeps THIS side of himself UP....
Hes even talking about wanting to seriously go to EMT school so that he can get a better job to support me and the girls...
Could it be? Thats hes actually.............GROWN UP and realized what a MARRIED man (and step father figure sorta person) is supposed to be/do??? :-)
I hope so.
Heres where it gets weird............When I kicked him out last year, I **HATED** him. I despised and loathed him.............But, he gave me my space that I needed (sorta) and I healed. My heart healed and my mind got over the hurt that he had caused. And I realized, through all of the bull, banishing, spells and blocking that I did to him in every way possible, he was STILL able to get a hold of me...And once my mind got over that, I started to accept talking to him and working on my marriage.
Then, when he came home, he got a job, which hes STILL working at....He's pretty much running the frozen department and hes went from 2 or three days a week, to suddenly 48 HOURS a week hes doing such a good job.....
When we almost split up in April (again), it was mostly because he was working so much and we had virtually NO communication, on top of a few other things, and when we DID have communication, he would say some VERY hurtful things that should NOT have come out of a husbands mouth to his wife.....HOWEVER, that being said, when I dropped him off in NJ, some stuff happened and while I was having a panic attack and mental breakdown, it was HIM that completely took over the situation, handled it FOR me and comforted me..........
I said to him "Now, if you would do THIS at HOME, we wouldnt be IN this situation right now, You wouldnt be HERE with all your stuff..."
And let me tell ya, (and, I wont say this to him because every-time I HAVE said something to him like this, the other shoe has "dropped" so to speak and things start to go down the shitter), I dunno if it was the thought that I didnt HESITATE to kick him out this time and I told him that this was it, no separation and that I was filing the divorce paperwork AS SOON AS I GOT HOME.........The seperation wasnt enough.
I told him this time that I wasnt doing this this time because I didnt love him....Fact is, I loved him (and still do very much) but I was tired of going round and round and round through the same cycle, hitting rewind every 6 months or so and going through it again....I told him he HAD to have consequences to opening his mouth and saying things before he thought them and treating me, his wife, like garbage and taking complete advantage of her. The way he treated me was that he was entitled to live here, that he didnt have to help out...
Well, needless to say, we talked through texting all weekend while he was at our friends house and I was at my in laws resting...And after I left there on that Monday, I went to pick him and all of his things BACK up and we came home...
And he has COMPLETELY turned over a new leaf...Hes been treating me better then he even did when we first started dating, contributing money to the household, taking me and the girls out to eat, buying things for the house...and this is what *truly* showed me hes trying to turn over a new leaf....
Earlier today, we have an argument...I started crying and walked out of the room and went to the bathroom...I wasn't mad, I was *REALLY* upset and disappointed about the topic we had been arguing about...........After a few minutes, he ACTUALLY came after me, knocked on the door...When I opened it, he wrapped me in his arms and GENUINELY said "I'm really sorry." Hes never said "I'm sorry" without urging from me.......shit, in general life.
But he said it....
I cant believe what a year does....and, I dont want to jinx it by saying itll "always" be like this because in my mind, thats not realistic because I know how we are.
We'll always go through cycles, but, I hope, for his sake, that he keeps THIS side of himself UP....
Hes even talking about wanting to seriously go to EMT school so that he can get a better job to support me and the girls...
Could it be? Thats hes actually.............GROWN UP and realized what a MARRIED man (and step father figure sorta person) is supposed to be/do??? :-)
I hope so.
May 08, 2011
Pissed Off Letter to my Biological Incubator they call "Mother"
Dear Debra,
I’m calling you that because for years, you haven’t acknowledged that I’m your daughter….And from what Ive been told, you only acknowledge Nick as your only child….Of course you do, because hes your little Prince…..….
For years, you have made ME out to be the bad guy but I just want to tell you something. I am NOT the bad guy…YOU are….You were the one to beat the shit out of me for the slightest transgressions while Nick got the royal treatment, even when HALF the shit was HIS fault, I GOT severely beaten...You were the one who belittled me and made me feel like I was the biggest most worthless piece of trash on the planet…You were the one going to work everyday, then coming home, getting slutted up, leaving ME at home to raise YOUR son til all hours of the night so that you could screw guy after guy after guy when I was a young teenager…Ask yourself….what kind of mother can do that to her only daughter and think that its ok??? Let me tell ya….ITS NOT OK….I would NEVER dream of doing to MY kids what you did and continually hid from the entire family... And they now think that Im the worst enemy on the planet…And Im really not…I never had a chance in that family….because of you. Im done holding my tongue and Im done pretending that what you did to me all those years didn’t affect me…..It took Michael 2 YEARS to undo the damage that you did…and much to your dislike, he DID do a lot to help me…
And after ten years of not speaking, I figure, its TIME that I let this out so that I can let it go.
I never did anything to you….I never did anything to deserve the major abuse and neglect and heartbreak of a mother abandoning her child that you put me through…Except be born to an unwed slut of a teenaged mother…I didn’t ask to be born, but you had me anyway… I never made YOU feel like you were a worthless mother…I tried everything that I could to make you proud of me, begged you for your love, you continually acted like I was just your live in babysitter slave that you could beat...Even when someone called DYFS and they came to MY SCHOOL, pulled me out of class to ask me and Nick about abuse allegations and I FUCKING LIED FOR YOU…..I lied for you so that we wouldn’t be taken away….Oh, and just so ya know, I wasn’t the one who called like you tell EVERYONE………..Could it have been the welts and bruises you used to leave on me?? Or could it have been the fact that they neighbors and my friends witnessed it all and saw the brusies???? Or the fact that my guidance counselor told me that if he saw one more welt, bruise, or mark on me, he was going to have to “Intervene”???…They witnessed the fighting, the abuse, the fact that in 95* weather I wore long sleeves and pants…it wasn’t because I was “cold” it was to hide the bruises that YOU INFLICTED ON YOUR TEENAGED CHILD.…So you can keep that shit that I called them to yourself because it’s a bald face LIE and you know it…
For years, I’ve apologized for doing this or doing that and taking the blame for you not wanting to be a part of my life or my beautiful childrens lives....I’m NOT going to anymore….
And what boggles my mind is the fact that for EVERYTHING that I did (or didn’t do because I KNOW the lies you’ve spread about me…People have filled me in on all the horrid things you’ve said about me that aren’t true, oh yes, I have "spies" that are on MY side now, NOT YOURS...), Nick did FAR WORSE things and yet, he STILL got treated, and still does get treated, like royalty in your eyes…
What about when I was in the hospital, trying to SAVE my child from being born to early, and Nick TRASHED your house while you went to Disney World and you called ME freaking out on ME because I wasn’t there to watch him??? Im sorry but last time I checked, he was YOUR kid, not MINE….So WHY is it MY problem???? What about all the sneaking out he did? What about all the UNDERAGED drinking he did??? What about all the shit he did and didn’t get caught for???
Guess what mother….even with ALL the shit you THINK I did…I NEVER trashed your house, I NEVER drank underage, I NEVER snuck out…I didn’t have my first alcoholic drink until I was 21 years old....and I NEVER did drugs...
I don’t apologize for leaving school for Michael….I don’t apologize for giving Samantha and Patrick to Sandra and Billy...I did what I HAD to do to survive…and give MY children the life that they deserved…You never reached out to help me…Except for when I was evicted when Michael went to jail when I was pregnant with Patrick…and even then, instead of helping me, alls you did wad make me feel like I was the most worthless mother on the planet…consistently threatening to call Dyfs on ME….Are you kidding me?? That’s the worst thing any mother could do to her child…Oh and By the way…..DYFS was called right after I lost Cameron….You know what they told me? I was the BEST MOTHER THEYD EVER SEEN AND THAT I WAS DOING A FANTASTIC JOB RAISING MY GIRLS….and that I wouldn’t be hearing from them again….So put that in you pipe and smoke it….
I adore my children….Even Samantha and Patrick…..Did you know that since going to Texas, they have BOTH become honor roll students?? Samantha plays the clarinet and is in the school band….Patrick is in football and baseball…..But you wouldn’t know these things because you denied my friend request….
Don’t you think its been long enough to hold these grudges??? You need to get over yourself and come clean about who YOU truly are, instead of everyone ELSE being the victim. Think about who you are as a person…..
You mistreated, abused, neglected and emotionally destroyed (or TRIED to…cause guess what? I’m the strongest most intelligent Bitch you’ll EVER want to meet) the ONLY daughter you’ll EVER have…..Then you HIDE it from everyone in the family….And acted like I was the WORST child on the planet…
Why don’t you ask Leslie and Frank?? Or how about Jeanette who had to PULL YOU OFF ME from strangling me when we lived in West Collingswood????? They all witnessed it…How do you know it wasn’t one of THEM who called DYFS on you??????
And then you send me off to some boarding school for girls....And while Im not complaining about that because I met some AWESOME friends there, I want to ask you a question....What was I doing that warranted being sent away??? Flunking out of school?? Yeah, because I had to help raise YOUR son while you worked and went out to party and screw everything with a dick…Having sex?? Yea because 14 is a big deal to be having sex when now a days 8 yrs old are doing worse...…That should have been the LEAST of your worries…I didn’t smoke, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink underage…So I had sex and got pregnant….Big deal….I seemed to remember someone ELSE who got pregnant at 14…..Had an IUD put in and got pregnant AGAIN….HELLOOOOOOOO……..Sound familiar MOTHER?!?!!??! I was MEANT TO BE HERE……You didnt "send me away to get my life back on track..." you sent me away because You didnt WANT me anymore...You told me yourself...I was "to much to handle for you"...really?! WHAT was I doing, ASIDE from NORMAL teenager stuff, that you "couldnt handle"????And then you wonder why when I finally got some independence and branched out on my own, I took off….Sure, it might not have been the BEST way to do it, but I was 18 and tired of EVERYONE trying to tell me how to live my life…
Or how about the fact that you STEAL Jeanette’s husband from her? That in and of itself has to be about the LOWEST thing you could ever do to someone….Stealing your BEST FRIENDS MAN?!?! Really Mother? That’s low.
Then, you act like THEY were the ones who were at fault, THEY were the ones to blame…And I was this horrible person….Guess what mother? EVERYONE that I tell about this tell me that YOU are the one who is messed up in the head. YOU are the one that because of all the shit YOU went through as a kid, decided you had to screw up (or try to) your only child…You strut around thinking your shit don’t stink, not knowing ANYTHING about your grandkids that you refuse to get to know for fear that Ill “take them away from you like I took Samantha and Patrick…” Guess what??? I didn’t take them away…That’s a delusion in your OWN mind…..I still talk to them. I still get pictures and communicate…I did what I needed to do for MY children so that they could have a better life…And guess what? They do. But you didn’t and DON’T see that….
You talked about a bond that you had with Samantha…But you hated Patrick because he looked like Michael…That’s a TERRIBLE thing to say about your grandchild…ALL of my children are BEAUTIFULLY STUNNING….Samantha looks just like me…and, what about your other three granddaughters????
Lilia - my beautiful Chick...The Mother henn of the three...The one who is only in 2nd grade and already reads at a 5th grade level??
Holli - My little tomboy...My goofball who makes me laugh and who gives me a thousand hugs a day and tells me she loves me constantly and tells me that im the "best mommy in the world"...
And My Julia - My babydoll..The one who I know is a free spirit just like Me...The one who is going to be a "rawk and roe stah..." (her words, not mine)
But don’t worry Mother…They know what you did to me and they NEVER want to meet you. They don’t know the intricate details….Just that you were a terrible mother and you were very very very mean to me....They are HIGHLY protective of their Mama, as I am of them and I would never want to subject them to the hell that you put me through….I adore my children and would give me life and very nearly did having Julia…But you wouldn’t care about that because to you Im just some woman on the street….
I’m calling you that because for years, you haven’t acknowledged that I’m your daughter….And from what Ive been told, you only acknowledge Nick as your only child….Of course you do, because hes your little Prince…..….
For years, you have made ME out to be the bad guy but I just want to tell you something. I am NOT the bad guy…YOU are….You were the one to beat the shit out of me for the slightest transgressions while Nick got the royal treatment, even when HALF the shit was HIS fault, I GOT severely beaten...You were the one who belittled me and made me feel like I was the biggest most worthless piece of trash on the planet…You were the one going to work everyday, then coming home, getting slutted up, leaving ME at home to raise YOUR son til all hours of the night so that you could screw guy after guy after guy when I was a young teenager…Ask yourself….what kind of mother can do that to her only daughter and think that its ok??? Let me tell ya….ITS NOT OK….I would NEVER dream of doing to MY kids what you did and continually hid from the entire family... And they now think that Im the worst enemy on the planet…And Im really not…I never had a chance in that family….because of you. Im done holding my tongue and Im done pretending that what you did to me all those years didn’t affect me…..It took Michael 2 YEARS to undo the damage that you did…and much to your dislike, he DID do a lot to help me…
And after ten years of not speaking, I figure, its TIME that I let this out so that I can let it go.
I never did anything to you….I never did anything to deserve the major abuse and neglect and heartbreak of a mother abandoning her child that you put me through…Except be born to an unwed slut of a teenaged mother…I didn’t ask to be born, but you had me anyway… I never made YOU feel like you were a worthless mother…I tried everything that I could to make you proud of me, begged you for your love, you continually acted like I was just your live in babysitter slave that you could beat...Even when someone called DYFS and they came to MY SCHOOL, pulled me out of class to ask me and Nick about abuse allegations and I FUCKING LIED FOR YOU…..I lied for you so that we wouldn’t be taken away….Oh, and just so ya know, I wasn’t the one who called like you tell EVERYONE………..Could it have been the welts and bruises you used to leave on me?? Or could it have been the fact that they neighbors and my friends witnessed it all and saw the brusies???? Or the fact that my guidance counselor told me that if he saw one more welt, bruise, or mark on me, he was going to have to “Intervene”???…They witnessed the fighting, the abuse, the fact that in 95* weather I wore long sleeves and pants…it wasn’t because I was “cold” it was to hide the bruises that YOU INFLICTED ON YOUR TEENAGED CHILD.…So you can keep that shit that I called them to yourself because it’s a bald face LIE and you know it…
For years, I’ve apologized for doing this or doing that and taking the blame for you not wanting to be a part of my life or my beautiful childrens lives....I’m NOT going to anymore….
And what boggles my mind is the fact that for EVERYTHING that I did (or didn’t do because I KNOW the lies you’ve spread about me…People have filled me in on all the horrid things you’ve said about me that aren’t true, oh yes, I have "spies" that are on MY side now, NOT YOURS...), Nick did FAR WORSE things and yet, he STILL got treated, and still does get treated, like royalty in your eyes…
What about when I was in the hospital, trying to SAVE my child from being born to early, and Nick TRASHED your house while you went to Disney World and you called ME freaking out on ME because I wasn’t there to watch him??? Im sorry but last time I checked, he was YOUR kid, not MINE….So WHY is it MY problem???? What about all the sneaking out he did? What about all the UNDERAGED drinking he did??? What about all the shit he did and didn’t get caught for???
Guess what mother….even with ALL the shit you THINK I did…I NEVER trashed your house, I NEVER drank underage, I NEVER snuck out…I didn’t have my first alcoholic drink until I was 21 years old....and I NEVER did drugs...
I don’t apologize for leaving school for Michael….I don’t apologize for giving Samantha and Patrick to Sandra and Billy...I did what I HAD to do to survive…and give MY children the life that they deserved…You never reached out to help me…Except for when I was evicted when Michael went to jail when I was pregnant with Patrick…and even then, instead of helping me, alls you did wad make me feel like I was the most worthless mother on the planet…consistently threatening to call Dyfs on ME….Are you kidding me?? That’s the worst thing any mother could do to her child…Oh and By the way…..DYFS was called right after I lost Cameron….You know what they told me? I was the BEST MOTHER THEYD EVER SEEN AND THAT I WAS DOING A FANTASTIC JOB RAISING MY GIRLS….and that I wouldn’t be hearing from them again….So put that in you pipe and smoke it….
I adore my children….Even Samantha and Patrick…..Did you know that since going to Texas, they have BOTH become honor roll students?? Samantha plays the clarinet and is in the school band….Patrick is in football and baseball…..But you wouldn’t know these things because you denied my friend request….
Don’t you think its been long enough to hold these grudges??? You need to get over yourself and come clean about who YOU truly are, instead of everyone ELSE being the victim. Think about who you are as a person…..
You mistreated, abused, neglected and emotionally destroyed (or TRIED to…cause guess what? I’m the strongest most intelligent Bitch you’ll EVER want to meet) the ONLY daughter you’ll EVER have…..Then you HIDE it from everyone in the family….And acted like I was the WORST child on the planet…
Why don’t you ask Leslie and Frank?? Or how about Jeanette who had to PULL YOU OFF ME from strangling me when we lived in West Collingswood????? They all witnessed it…How do you know it wasn’t one of THEM who called DYFS on you??????
And then you send me off to some boarding school for girls....And while Im not complaining about that because I met some AWESOME friends there, I want to ask you a question....What was I doing that warranted being sent away??? Flunking out of school?? Yeah, because I had to help raise YOUR son while you worked and went out to party and screw everything with a dick…Having sex?? Yea because 14 is a big deal to be having sex when now a days 8 yrs old are doing worse...…That should have been the LEAST of your worries…I didn’t smoke, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink underage…So I had sex and got pregnant….Big deal….I seemed to remember someone ELSE who got pregnant at 14…..Had an IUD put in and got pregnant AGAIN….HELLOOOOOOOO……..Sound familiar MOTHER?!?!!??! I was MEANT TO BE HERE……You didnt "send me away to get my life back on track..." you sent me away because You didnt WANT me anymore...You told me yourself...I was "to much to handle for you"...really?! WHAT was I doing, ASIDE from NORMAL teenager stuff, that you "couldnt handle"????And then you wonder why when I finally got some independence and branched out on my own, I took off….Sure, it might not have been the BEST way to do it, but I was 18 and tired of EVERYONE trying to tell me how to live my life…
Or how about the fact that you STEAL Jeanette’s husband from her? That in and of itself has to be about the LOWEST thing you could ever do to someone….Stealing your BEST FRIENDS MAN?!?! Really Mother? That’s low.
Then, you act like THEY were the ones who were at fault, THEY were the ones to blame…And I was this horrible person….Guess what mother? EVERYONE that I tell about this tell me that YOU are the one who is messed up in the head. YOU are the one that because of all the shit YOU went through as a kid, decided you had to screw up (or try to) your only child…You strut around thinking your shit don’t stink, not knowing ANYTHING about your grandkids that you refuse to get to know for fear that Ill “take them away from you like I took Samantha and Patrick…” Guess what??? I didn’t take them away…That’s a delusion in your OWN mind…..I still talk to them. I still get pictures and communicate…I did what I needed to do for MY children so that they could have a better life…And guess what? They do. But you didn’t and DON’T see that….
You talked about a bond that you had with Samantha…But you hated Patrick because he looked like Michael…That’s a TERRIBLE thing to say about your grandchild…ALL of my children are BEAUTIFULLY STUNNING….Samantha looks just like me…and, what about your other three granddaughters????
Lilia - my beautiful Chick...The Mother henn of the three...The one who is only in 2nd grade and already reads at a 5th grade level??
Holli - My little tomboy...My goofball who makes me laugh and who gives me a thousand hugs a day and tells me she loves me constantly and tells me that im the "best mommy in the world"...
And My Julia - My babydoll..The one who I know is a free spirit just like Me...The one who is going to be a "rawk and roe stah..." (her words, not mine)
But don’t worry Mother…They know what you did to me and they NEVER want to meet you. They don’t know the intricate details….Just that you were a terrible mother and you were very very very mean to me....They are HIGHLY protective of their Mama, as I am of them and I would never want to subject them to the hell that you put me through….I adore my children and would give me life and very nearly did having Julia…But you wouldn’t care about that because to you Im just some woman on the street….
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