After much soul searching, deliberating, prayers, meditation and all that goes with that, as well as many many revelations of our relationship in the past 6 months, I have decided to give my marriage one more try and work things out...After writing the blog about marital vows on Eddie Montgomery's wife filing for divorce after finding out his cancer diagnosis of her husband, I got to thinking...I do believe that we have both learned some lessons and things as far as relationships are concerned....
For the majority of me and Dave's relationship, I was "ITS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!" when it shouldn't have been. A marriage should never really be one sided...its actually TWO sided....a team effort....and in my eyes, because I was the one who made the majority of the money, whether I was working or not, I felt that it SHOULD have been all about me....but thats not the way a marriage SHOULD be.....
I honestly believed that, because of the fact that in all my life, everyone always tried to tell me WHAT to do and control what I did and how to live MY life and everything else, that when Cameron passed away, I truly didn't want that anymore OR to let ANYONE ever try to tell me what to do again. So, from day one, I told Dave "Im gonna do what I want, when I want and you cant stop me"...and he seemed to be ok with it.....until it started getting to the point where I wasn't even asking if he minded that I do certain things...I would just DO them.
Ultimately, HIS backlash and the fact that even though I was asking for HIS support in things and just EXPECTED that he be there for me, I wasn't supporting HIM in things. Also, another large factor of our marriage starting to fall apart was the fact that we had my ex-best friend and her unruly, spoiled, horrible brats living with us for the majority of our marriage (7 months july-february) and from June 11th til she moved in July 21st, when Dave got home from BCT after being gone for 11 weeks just completely destroyed our first "newlywed" year of marriage. So, in its entirety, we had from March 17th (our wedding date) until March 26th (when he left for BCT) and then from June 11th until July 21st, to bond as a NEWLY married couple...thats not much time...On top of that, every time he and I would be affectionate with each other in front of her or she knew we were intimate the night before in our bedroom,no matter HOW quiet we were, she always just HAPPENED to hear us, she would make horribly snipey comments to us such as "oh get a room" or would make comments about how the "apartment was shaking" when a TRUCK driving by on the road would make the entire building shake...She was extremely bitter and vengeful and you know what they say..."misery loves company" so I guess she figured, since SHE was unhappy, I should be too......It got to the point where she got in the middle of us and started fights between us. She caused an (almost) irreparable rift between us, even trying to cause issues even after Dave moved out...I really believe she was a completely toxic person and no matter what I think about in the future, I will NEVER be friends with her again.
So, Dave and I are back together, trying it again. We went to the courthouse the morning after he came home to file paperwork dismissing the divorce case and living as a married couple again, trying to heal the wounds that had been formed and reconnecting on the marital front.
We have also decided to finally have the "big" dream wedding that Ive always wanted and he actually wants to be a part of it and the planning. We've decided on March 16, 2013.
So, heres to new beginnings, starting over, and having the REAL first year of newlywed marriage start over redo.
December 19, 2010
December 02, 2010
What happened to Marital vows???
I am appalled at the things that some people do now a days. I was just reading an article about how Eddie Montgomery of Montgomery Gentry was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and almost immediately after finding out about it, his wife FILES for divorce because "she cant handle his illness"....
REALLY?!?! What the HELL happened to the "In sickness and in health" part of her vows when she married him???? And whats more is that she will more then likely get half of everything so she more then likely wont ever have to worry about working again and supporting their FOUR children....and one grandchild...
People like this make me sick....Yes, I am divorced. BUT, my divorces had NOTHING to do with sicknesses....My first divorce was because he couldnt keep his behind outta prison....If he HAD been able to, I guarantee we more then likely, probably would still be married(maybe...we were having some major issues but I also think those issues tied in with the legal issues he was having)....
When I married Cameron, and he was in his accident, I slept in a hospital waiting room while seven months pregnant, REFUSING to leave until I knew he was stable....I was there at that hospital EVERY day at EVERY visiting hour willing him to live, holding his hand, loving him, taking care of him with his family.......He broke his pelvis and his right wrist...I would have given my LIFE for him to have woken up and lived...THAT is what "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" in marriage vows truly means.....and this bitch files for divorce because she cant HANDLE his ILLNESS?!?!?! Women like her make me truly truly ill....
I guess I'm having this reaction because what would have been me and Cameron's 6th wedding anniversary is in 2 days....its also the 5th anniversary of his accident...So, seeing news like this, two days before a really rough day for me, PISSES ME OFF....
Oh, yes, and my third divorce....there was abuse...and fighting....and sexual withholding on HIS end...He neglected every need that I had, emotionally and mentally, physically and intellectually...And he broke my trust on many many many levels...If you want to read more, there are more posts about it in my may and june blogs. But I am not going to go into it here...
In sickness and in health must really not apply to "hollywood" couples..."For better or worse" ties in with that too...it really makes me sick how indispensable "hollywood" couples think marriage is...
So, heres to you Mrs.almost-former-eddie-montgomery for being the CUNT of the day.
REALLY?!?! What the HELL happened to the "In sickness and in health" part of her vows when she married him???? And whats more is that she will more then likely get half of everything so she more then likely wont ever have to worry about working again and supporting their FOUR children....and one grandchild...
People like this make me sick....Yes, I am divorced. BUT, my divorces had NOTHING to do with sicknesses....My first divorce was because he couldnt keep his behind outta prison....If he HAD been able to, I guarantee we more then likely, probably would still be married(maybe...we were having some major issues but I also think those issues tied in with the legal issues he was having)....
When I married Cameron, and he was in his accident, I slept in a hospital waiting room while seven months pregnant, REFUSING to leave until I knew he was stable....I was there at that hospital EVERY day at EVERY visiting hour willing him to live, holding his hand, loving him, taking care of him with his family.......He broke his pelvis and his right wrist...I would have given my LIFE for him to have woken up and lived...THAT is what "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" in marriage vows truly means.....and this bitch files for divorce because she cant HANDLE his ILLNESS?!?!?! Women like her make me truly truly ill....
I guess I'm having this reaction because what would have been me and Cameron's 6th wedding anniversary is in 2 days....its also the 5th anniversary of his accident...So, seeing news like this, two days before a really rough day for me, PISSES ME OFF....
Oh, yes, and my third divorce....there was abuse...and fighting....and sexual withholding on HIS end...He neglected every need that I had, emotionally and mentally, physically and intellectually...And he broke my trust on many many many levels...If you want to read more, there are more posts about it in my may and june blogs. But I am not going to go into it here...
In sickness and in health must really not apply to "hollywood" couples..."For better or worse" ties in with that too...it really makes me sick how indispensable "hollywood" couples think marriage is...
So, heres to you Mrs.almost-former-eddie-montgomery for being the CUNT of the day.
December 01, 2010
I spent over an hour in the ER last night.....
Because my Bear cut her foot on the upside down scale that was in the bathroom....Don't ask me how but she did....
She handled it like a trooper too...Took the injury with grace and bravery and even had the thought process to put pressure on it to make it stop bleeding...It really wasnt that bad, but it was decently deep so I took her to the ER just to be on the safe side...
By the time we got to the hospital, it had already started to heal....The soaked it in sterile water for a few minutes to see if it would separate...it didnt...They sterry stripped it, gauzed it and wrapped it and put my poor girl on crutches...
Don't be worried about the look on her face....that was posed....shes having a blast on those crutches...I have to keep telling her to stay OFF her foot...She likes moving around on the crutches...Ahhhhhhh, the joy of being a kid. LOL
And here's her poor foot all (re)wrapped up this morning after Mama cleaned it...
All in all, we were in and out of the ER in around an hour and a half...We came home and all snuggled watching "Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe"..Julia fell asleep on the floor and had to be carried to bed...Lil and Holl laid on the couch with me until the movie was over at midnight...And they STILL were up at flippin dawn.....sheesh!!!
On another note, we put up our tree two days after Thanksgiving...I felt very festive and felt like we should for some reason, put it up now....So we did....She turned out absolutely BEAUTIFUL this year....
Here's WITHOUT lights -
and here's WITH -
I am so proud with the way that she looks...:) and as a friend of mine said when he asked me if my tree was real or "fake", and I replied "its artificial" he said "Thats good, no killing trees and you save money not having to buy a tree every year..."
Yup, my sentiments exactly. Ive had this tree since Cameron's parents bought it for us the second Christmas we were together. I have been adding decorations every year in the shades of red, gold, green and silver...And of course, the angel that Cameron bought me our first Christmas together sits atop it in glorious shining fiber optical lighting...She will continue to sit on top of my tree every year, even when her light dies because it is a precious memory that I have of a very happy Christmas that year.
She handled it like a trooper too...Took the injury with grace and bravery and even had the thought process to put pressure on it to make it stop bleeding...It really wasnt that bad, but it was decently deep so I took her to the ER just to be on the safe side...
By the time we got to the hospital, it had already started to heal....The soaked it in sterile water for a few minutes to see if it would separate...it didnt...They sterry stripped it, gauzed it and wrapped it and put my poor girl on crutches...
Don't be worried about the look on her face....that was posed....shes having a blast on those crutches...I have to keep telling her to stay OFF her foot...She likes moving around on the crutches...Ahhhhhhh, the joy of being a kid. LOL
And here's her poor foot all (re)wrapped up this morning after Mama cleaned it...
All in all, we were in and out of the ER in around an hour and a half...We came home and all snuggled watching "Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe"..Julia fell asleep on the floor and had to be carried to bed...Lil and Holl laid on the couch with me until the movie was over at midnight...And they STILL were up at flippin dawn.....sheesh!!!
On another note, we put up our tree two days after Thanksgiving...I felt very festive and felt like we should for some reason, put it up now....So we did....She turned out absolutely BEAUTIFUL this year....
Here's WITHOUT lights -
and here's WITH -
I am so proud with the way that she looks...:) and as a friend of mine said when he asked me if my tree was real or "fake", and I replied "its artificial" he said "Thats good, no killing trees and you save money not having to buy a tree every year..."
Yup, my sentiments exactly. Ive had this tree since Cameron's parents bought it for us the second Christmas we were together. I have been adding decorations every year in the shades of red, gold, green and silver...And of course, the angel that Cameron bought me our first Christmas together sits atop it in glorious shining fiber optical lighting...She will continue to sit on top of my tree every year, even when her light dies because it is a precious memory that I have of a very happy Christmas that year.
November 28, 2010
Gotta love public schools...
So, I just got validation on home schooling my children today as I was watching a video of a family that I follow on youtube....The son is in 2nd grade (hes the same age as Lilia) and didnt know that 5+3 = 8....he said it was nine...even though he had a $5 bill and three $1 dollar bills sitting right in front of him....His father counted them for him.............GOTTA LOVE PUBLIC SCHOOLS!!!!!!!!!!! (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!)
Seriously, I feel complete vindication on this now....I also found this awesome article entitled: "Don't underestimate Your Value as a Mother" in which a homeschooling mother talks about what a mother has to offer her children if she homeschools and I completely agree with every point she has to say:
1. You will be giving your child attention from someone who truly cares about their success beyond passing an arbitrary test.
I absolutely believe this...I dont test my children, giving them undue stress and fear that they "HAVE" to pass or get a good grade...I can tell from their progress if they are "getting" a topic or not...
2. Your kids will be learning at their own pace. You will learn how to gage their progress and move slower or faster based on their needs.
Again, I agree...I tell them both every day not to try to compete with each other because this one is doing that or that one is doing this....They are their own person and they will learn at their own paces...When they get something, we move on faster...if they dont, we stay on it longer...theres no time limit in home schooling...
3. You will be looking out for their best interest rather than trying to do what is best for the whole group.
Absolutely I do.
4. You will be helping them to make positive memories surrounding learning activities.
Lilia has told me on more then one occasion that she loves the time we spend together in homeschooling and how I teach her...:-) Thats validation in and of itself right there.
5. You will provide them with a low stress learning environment including a balanced view on life, work and play.
Yup...Not every day is book work...not everyday is sitting at a desk/table with their noses stuck in a book...Every day is something new...whether its teaching them grocery shopping, or doing laundry, or even cooking (Lilia can cook many things that a non homeschooled child can cook, I guarantee), I am always teaching them something...When we're out driving, we talk about nature (science) or the surroundings around us (Social Studies) and government (History)....These I believe are low stress...and they love it...
6. You will be there to give them guidance as problems arise.
As I said earlier...if they dont seem to be getting something, we stay on it longer...and if I dont have the answers myself, I seek them out...
7. Your kids will have time to be a kid.
Something I tell them every single day..."BE a KID! One day you'll grow up WISHING that you had this time back...."....Being home-schooled, they aren't subjected to school violence, bullying, teen pregnancy and drugs...they are home, safe and sound in a home whose mother tries everything in her power to protect them from even violence on TV.
8. You will be there to love them. They may even see the sacrifice that you make in your personal life to provide them with an education.
I don't personally feel that I make sacrifices in my personal life to home-school them. I honestly feel very rewarded when I see my girls excel at a math problem, or help each other with their work...Home schooling is rewarding for us and I honestly feel like its the way things should be....Having been on both sides of the coin (home-schooled AND public school) I honestly believe that homeschooling is more rewarding more beneficial...Its a known fact that home-schooled children excel in life faster, and are better educated then public schooled children because public school is behind because they have SO many children to teach...and if certain kids dont "GET" it or just dont excel, they're held BACK and made to feel badly...Thats just wrong...I was in kindergarten twice...Why I'm not exactly sure....they said it was because of my age but all my life, I swear that it was something else and no one ever told me why...When I was in 6th grade, because I was having so many personal at HOME problems, I nearly flunked out and my mother berated me....I HATED school...Then, in tenth grade, I went some where that homeschooling was taught....I loved it...I excelled!!! For the first time in my life, I was getting straight A's and B's!!!I flew through 10, 11th and most of 12th in two years, 3 months. I loved it....
One question that I get asked a lot is how my children are socialized...Well, with my family down in NJ that is EXTREMELY well known in Mullica Hill and has connections and friends and associates and such ALL OVER the county, and go to church EVERY Sunday, as well as friends here that are children of MY friends that have play dates together, Socialization is NOT an issue for them....My children have EXTREMELY good manners, say please and thank you, ask to be excused from the table and put their plates in the sink when they are finished...They have none of the bad manners that most children (and i say MOST not all) their age have from public school...
What helps me in this endeavor is that friends of my in-laws have home-schooled ALL of their children and they see how well rounded their children are. My in-laws help when my girls are down there and support my decision to home-school...
To read the complete article that I quoted above go here: http://www.homeschooljungle.com/2010/10/dont-underestimate-your-value-as-a-mother/
I adore her posts and read them often.
Seriously, I feel complete vindication on this now....I also found this awesome article entitled: "Don't underestimate Your Value as a Mother" in which a homeschooling mother talks about what a mother has to offer her children if she homeschools and I completely agree with every point she has to say:
1. You will be giving your child attention from someone who truly cares about their success beyond passing an arbitrary test.
I absolutely believe this...I dont test my children, giving them undue stress and fear that they "HAVE" to pass or get a good grade...I can tell from their progress if they are "getting" a topic or not...
2. Your kids will be learning at their own pace. You will learn how to gage their progress and move slower or faster based on their needs.
Again, I agree...I tell them both every day not to try to compete with each other because this one is doing that or that one is doing this....They are their own person and they will learn at their own paces...When they get something, we move on faster...if they dont, we stay on it longer...theres no time limit in home schooling...
3. You will be looking out for their best interest rather than trying to do what is best for the whole group.
Absolutely I do.
4. You will be helping them to make positive memories surrounding learning activities.
Lilia has told me on more then one occasion that she loves the time we spend together in homeschooling and how I teach her...:-) Thats validation in and of itself right there.
5. You will provide them with a low stress learning environment including a balanced view on life, work and play.
Yup...Not every day is book work...not everyday is sitting at a desk/table with their noses stuck in a book...Every day is something new...whether its teaching them grocery shopping, or doing laundry, or even cooking (Lilia can cook many things that a non homeschooled child can cook, I guarantee), I am always teaching them something...When we're out driving, we talk about nature (science) or the surroundings around us (Social Studies) and government (History)....These I believe are low stress...and they love it...
6. You will be there to give them guidance as problems arise.
As I said earlier...if they dont seem to be getting something, we stay on it longer...and if I dont have the answers myself, I seek them out...
7. Your kids will have time to be a kid.
Something I tell them every single day..."BE a KID! One day you'll grow up WISHING that you had this time back...."....Being home-schooled, they aren't subjected to school violence, bullying, teen pregnancy and drugs...they are home, safe and sound in a home whose mother tries everything in her power to protect them from even violence on TV.
8. You will be there to love them. They may even see the sacrifice that you make in your personal life to provide them with an education.
I don't personally feel that I make sacrifices in my personal life to home-school them. I honestly feel very rewarded when I see my girls excel at a math problem, or help each other with their work...Home schooling is rewarding for us and I honestly feel like its the way things should be....Having been on both sides of the coin (home-schooled AND public school) I honestly believe that homeschooling is more rewarding more beneficial...Its a known fact that home-schooled children excel in life faster, and are better educated then public schooled children because public school is behind because they have SO many children to teach...and if certain kids dont "GET" it or just dont excel, they're held BACK and made to feel badly...Thats just wrong...I was in kindergarten twice...Why I'm not exactly sure....they said it was because of my age but all my life, I swear that it was something else and no one ever told me why...When I was in 6th grade, because I was having so many personal at HOME problems, I nearly flunked out and my mother berated me....I HATED school...Then, in tenth grade, I went some where that homeschooling was taught....I loved it...I excelled!!! For the first time in my life, I was getting straight A's and B's!!!I flew through 10, 11th and most of 12th in two years, 3 months. I loved it....
One question that I get asked a lot is how my children are socialized...Well, with my family down in NJ that is EXTREMELY well known in Mullica Hill and has connections and friends and associates and such ALL OVER the county, and go to church EVERY Sunday, as well as friends here that are children of MY friends that have play dates together, Socialization is NOT an issue for them....My children have EXTREMELY good manners, say please and thank you, ask to be excused from the table and put their plates in the sink when they are finished...They have none of the bad manners that most children (and i say MOST not all) their age have from public school...
What helps me in this endeavor is that friends of my in-laws have home-schooled ALL of their children and they see how well rounded their children are. My in-laws help when my girls are down there and support my decision to home-school...
To read the complete article that I quoted above go here: http://www.homeschooljungle.com/2010/10/dont-underestimate-your-value-as-a-mother/
I adore her posts and read them often.
November 23, 2010
Stuff About Me...
I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant...
I'm the girl who says,"Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you...
I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you...
I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me...
I'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public... most of the time
I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have...
I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.
I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...
I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.....
I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a
word...
I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair
I'm the girl that loves to snuggle in your arms at night even if we dont make love...
I'm the girl that will do all kinds of sweet things for you without wanting anything in return...
I'm the girl who won’t fall asleep during long car rides and will stay awake so we can talk about anything under the sun....
I believe in love at first site...
I believe that things should come naturally in a relationship...anything that comes out of force isn’t good...
When it comes to things in the past, let them stay buried...they are in the past for a reason...Ill tell you about them if i want you to know...and if i trust you enough to know....
I believe that the man and woman are equals in a relationship...
I believe in reincarnation and that we all come back in the life we're in until we get it right....
I believe that when we die, we become one with the universe, the elements, the grass the sky the birds etc...
I dont believe in Heaven or Hell
I dont believe there is a Satan or Devil or evil...
I believe you should be able to live your life how YOU want to live it, not how anyone else thinks you should live it...
Being romantic and bringing me ONE of my favorite flowers, not a whole dozen...will win my heart more then the dozen will...I prefer simplicity with some things....**HINT** my favorite flowers are Calla Lilies
Open the door for me occasionally...I may believe we're equals but dammit, sometimes I like that...I'll let you know when i want it...
Wake me gently with kisses all over my face and play with my hair....
Cook me a meal with all your heart...doesn’t matter if its French toast, bacon and eggs or just a cheese sandwich….Ill appreciate it so much more knowing you cooked/made it FOR me...
Hold me in your arms and kiss me gently on the forehead while we sit on the couch watching movies...
Just because I kiss and nuzzle and want a hug, DOESNT mean i want sex all the time...if it happens to LEAD to that, that’s fine but sometimes i just need affection....
Hold my hand while we're driving...It makes me happy to know you’re there with me..
Laugh at my corny goofiness even when its not that funny to you...that makes me feel like you support me even when you dont understand the joke
Be there for me when i need to cry even if you're uncomfortable with it...sometimes i just need someone to hold me and tell me "everything will be ok..." even if you arent sure it will be...
Go for walks with me just to talk...i love the togetherness
I love fall...i love the changing colors, the weather, the smell in the air
I love spring...new life starting, the trees starting to bloom....the weather, the smell in the air
I love to sing...singing is my release from stress, being upset etc...When i tell you i need to sing, its cause i need to release something pent up inside...
I write poems, songs and short stories....and they are really good
I paint...
I am a very positive person...I try not to bring negativity into my home and all negative people and things and happenings are prohibited here...
I am generally a very happy person...
I love all my friends with all my heart and am appreciative of all of them
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant...
I'm the girl who says,"Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you...
I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you...
I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me...
I'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public... most of the time
I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have...
I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.
I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...
I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.....
I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a
word...
I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair
I'm the girl that loves to snuggle in your arms at night even if we dont make love...
I'm the girl that will do all kinds of sweet things for you without wanting anything in return...
I'm the girl who won’t fall asleep during long car rides and will stay awake so we can talk about anything under the sun....
I believe in love at first site...
I believe that things should come naturally in a relationship...anything that comes out of force isn’t good...
When it comes to things in the past, let them stay buried...they are in the past for a reason...Ill tell you about them if i want you to know...and if i trust you enough to know....
I believe that the man and woman are equals in a relationship...
I believe in reincarnation and that we all come back in the life we're in until we get it right....
I believe that when we die, we become one with the universe, the elements, the grass the sky the birds etc...
I dont believe in Heaven or Hell
I dont believe there is a Satan or Devil or evil...
I believe you should be able to live your life how YOU want to live it, not how anyone else thinks you should live it...
Being romantic and bringing me ONE of my favorite flowers, not a whole dozen...will win my heart more then the dozen will...I prefer simplicity with some things....**HINT** my favorite flowers are Calla Lilies
Open the door for me occasionally...I may believe we're equals but dammit, sometimes I like that...I'll let you know when i want it...
Wake me gently with kisses all over my face and play with my hair....
Cook me a meal with all your heart...doesn’t matter if its French toast, bacon and eggs or just a cheese sandwich….Ill appreciate it so much more knowing you cooked/made it FOR me...
Hold me in your arms and kiss me gently on the forehead while we sit on the couch watching movies...
Just because I kiss and nuzzle and want a hug, DOESNT mean i want sex all the time...if it happens to LEAD to that, that’s fine but sometimes i just need affection....
Hold my hand while we're driving...It makes me happy to know you’re there with me..
Laugh at my corny goofiness even when its not that funny to you...that makes me feel like you support me even when you dont understand the joke
Be there for me when i need to cry even if you're uncomfortable with it...sometimes i just need someone to hold me and tell me "everything will be ok..." even if you arent sure it will be...
Go for walks with me just to talk...i love the togetherness
I love fall...i love the changing colors, the weather, the smell in the air
I love spring...new life starting, the trees starting to bloom....the weather, the smell in the air
I love to sing...singing is my release from stress, being upset etc...When i tell you i need to sing, its cause i need to release something pent up inside...
I write poems, songs and short stories....and they are really good
I paint...
I am a very positive person...I try not to bring negativity into my home and all negative people and things and happenings are prohibited here...
I am generally a very happy person...
I love all my friends with all my heart and am appreciative of all of them
November 18, 2010
One week from today...
Is Thanksgiving...I have damn near everything that Im going to need for it and Im wicked excited. I have friends coming over for it and like last year, it will really feel awesome to have people to cook for BESIDES my girls that will actually eat it...I figured out how I'm going to cook everything to....Ham in at 11:00, out at 1:00 PM Turkey in immediately after out at 4 to allow to cool (so I don't burn my fingers cutting it) then between 4 and 5 cooking anything that needs to be cooked....I never understood the whole thing behind why people have thanksgiving dinners in the middle of the day...Growing up, dinners were always at 3 PM....Really!?? WHY?!? Because I don't know about the rest of the world but WE eat dinner at 5 to 6 PM most nights...WHY would I change it to 3 PM for one day??? Its bizarre....
Yes, we snack...I always put out pepperoni, cheese, crackers, and a veggie tray to "snick snack" on, but we don't eat until 5 PM...I never understood the whole early day thing...if someone can explain it to me, Id be happy to listen.
November 16, 2010
One month from today......
Will be two days after the 5th anniversary of Cameron's death....today is one month to the day of having the autopsy done on his beat up body...Its around this time every year that I get melancholy, sad.... forlorn and in mourning and grief...I distinctly remember him telling me many times when we would be fighting and I would be crying..."Babe, don't cry...I'm not worth crying over........" But, I cant help it.......
Sometimes, still to this day, the girls will do something cute/sweet/adorable/what-have-you and the first thing I think to myself is..."I want to call Cam.........Oh, wait a minute...." and I remember...But, then I also think in the very next thought how he's always with us....or his family....Whatever he's doing on the other side, I KNOW he's watching over us...coming for visits...I know because I feel his presence...it doesn't matter how long hes gone....When he's here, our souls connect...I dream about him, feel him.......can almost feel him standing behind me in just pure split seconds of moments...Other times, I still feel moments where I feel like hes just off somewhere, doing his thing and that he'll walk in the door at any second....Ill hear certain things and think is him, see his face in other people...our girls.....and I DESPERATELY want to have him in my arms again........
And I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I still love him. I will NEVER be able to let him go. I feel almost as if, if I let him go, it will be like, I'm forgetting him, not honoring him, remembering him...Almost 5 years later and I'm still devastated by this whole thing....still miss him terribly...Still have his pictures everywhere...I know I remarried and all, and I know that I spent a large chunk of the last 4 years with that person.......but, I never moved on from him. And I never will. I miss him, I still love him...there is no way that I will ever stop. Ever.
This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure and it being 5 years later and I'm still not "over" it.......is surprising.......though, I have to admit that I'm a lot further then I thought I would be. I thought for sure that I would be "over" it in a short time, just like I was over everything else in my life that has ever happened to me..........Not this....I will never completely be over him....Better, but not over. Always in love with him...
So, Je T'aime Mon Cheri, Forever and Always...Now and forever....Where ever you are.........I miss you...
November 12, 2010
UGHHHHHH TELEMARKETERSSSSSSSS!!!!
So, This morning, I answered a phone call because it said "TEXAS" on my caller ID...Automatically I thought of my friend down there so, I answered...........BIG MISTAKE...I was on the phone with them for all of about 5 to 10 minutes MAYBE...I finally got tired of all the questions.
In the last 15 minutes since hanging up on them, Ive gotten two more phone calls....GOD SAVE ME, I should NOT have answered the Texas phone call...Now I have a feeling that I am going to be getting phone calls all day....Good thing that I have laundry to do today...
I went shopping yesterday for all of the thanksgiving stuff for our feast. I got the veggies, the ham, the turkey, the potatoes (both white and sweet for the candied yams) and stuff for the desserts. I'm really excited about thanksgiving this year for some reason...I don't know why.
My decorations go up in about three weeks on the 4th of December. I cant believe that its already November again...Where the hell did the time go? Seems like only yesterday Thomas was being born and me and Kim were planning the holidays. How times change. Nuts that its almost Yule again and how much things have changed in this house in the last year...Last year I had just swore in to Enlist....Last year Kim and her kids were here...Last year I was (somewhat) happily(ish) married...Now, Im not going...Kims gone and Im divorced...Ive had my heart broken, my emotions played with, anger boiled up and subsided...My new years resolution last year was to lose weight and quit smoking....I have no idea what this years is going to be because I did that. Ive been smoke free for a year and I lost the weight that I needed/wanted to lose...(most of it anyway)....Hmmmmmmmmmmm...Im really going to have to think about it.
Maybe this year will be to finish the sewing and dressmaking course, buy a mannequin and actually make a dress or something. We'll see...
In the last 15 minutes since hanging up on them, Ive gotten two more phone calls....GOD SAVE ME, I should NOT have answered the Texas phone call...Now I have a feeling that I am going to be getting phone calls all day....Good thing that I have laundry to do today...
I went shopping yesterday for all of the thanksgiving stuff for our feast. I got the veggies, the ham, the turkey, the potatoes (both white and sweet for the candied yams) and stuff for the desserts. I'm really excited about thanksgiving this year for some reason...I don't know why.
My decorations go up in about three weeks on the 4th of December. I cant believe that its already November again...Where the hell did the time go? Seems like only yesterday Thomas was being born and me and Kim were planning the holidays. How times change. Nuts that its almost Yule again and how much things have changed in this house in the last year...Last year I had just swore in to Enlist....Last year Kim and her kids were here...Last year I was (somewhat) happily(ish) married...Now, Im not going...Kims gone and Im divorced...Ive had my heart broken, my emotions played with, anger boiled up and subsided...My new years resolution last year was to lose weight and quit smoking....I have no idea what this years is going to be because I did that. Ive been smoke free for a year and I lost the weight that I needed/wanted to lose...(most of it anyway)....Hmmmmmmmmmmm...Im really going to have to think about it.
Maybe this year will be to finish the sewing and dressmaking course, buy a mannequin and actually make a dress or something. We'll see...
November 08, 2010
So today...
I woke up to the first snow of the season...Really?! It wasnt much but it remains that we have some how skipped over fall completely and went head first into Winter...And this should be a tell tale sign of how brutal this season will be...
I took my girls out to the store to get some food and low and behold, it was so cold, I am glad that I layered them and myself up and bundled them up into their winter coats, stockings, jeans, socks, shirt, sweatshirts and shoes....As I did so, I heard the wind whipping FURIOUSLY through the trees in my back......um......yard? (its a parking lot pretty much that has trees in it)...I shook my head and braced myself for a bitter coldness that I was not prepared for this early in November...Thanksgiving yes...perhaps the first week in December....but NOW?! REALLY?! Ugh...
Though I cant really expect it not to be this cold now. Three years ago next month, on Lilia's 5th birthday, we had a blizzard hit this state so large, it shut down all of Providence for the entire night into the next day...school buses unable to drop kids off, there fore wreaking havoc on parents, causing panic amongst them...Heres hoping that if we ever get another blizzard so big, they'll shut down the schools faster and activate the National Guard faster unlike they did that year. Kids were on some school buses until 1130, with no places to use the bathroom or eat. I would have been panicked! It took the pizza delivery guy 3 and a half hours to get here from a 2 minute drive away. He eventually had to park and WALK to our house from Valley Street (about 4 blocks) to get Lilia's birthday pizza here. Yeah, he got a $10 tip for that one.
So, considering today is November 8th and it is freezing and it snowed this morning, I am ready for a brutal brutal Winter...especially since this summer wasn't all that bad.
Yikes.
On another note...From the mouths of babes...
When we were coming out of the store, and I was wrangling the girls out to the car while pushing the cart and holding Julias hand, Holli, my ever inquisitive one, asked me why people littered. I simply told her that not everyone cares about Mother Earth...To then which she replied "But, WHY Mama?" I told her "well, becaue baby, not everybody was raised to..." "Like we were?" She said..."Right baby...you were raised to care and not to litter." I replied...
It brings to mind how people are raised today...Why DONT more people care about this earth? It is in fact where we live and have to live for the rest of our lives...Why dont more people give a rats ass about the surroundings they live in? I have had people tell me that they dont care about "this mud ball..." and that theyll be "long gone by the time all the trash builds up..."
Well, truth be told, the "TRASH" is building up alot faster then we think...They are running out of room in Landfills and it scares me to think of where they will put all the trash that they collect every week after they do. I am honestly scared for my great grand children and beyond....This earth wont be the same as it was when I was growing up and now, when my girls are growing....Goddess help us all when Mother Earth decided to implode due to peoples ignorance of how they treat her...
I took my girls out to the store to get some food and low and behold, it was so cold, I am glad that I layered them and myself up and bundled them up into their winter coats, stockings, jeans, socks, shirt, sweatshirts and shoes....As I did so, I heard the wind whipping FURIOUSLY through the trees in my back......um......yard? (its a parking lot pretty much that has trees in it)...I shook my head and braced myself for a bitter coldness that I was not prepared for this early in November...Thanksgiving yes...perhaps the first week in December....but NOW?! REALLY?! Ugh...
Though I cant really expect it not to be this cold now. Three years ago next month, on Lilia's 5th birthday, we had a blizzard hit this state so large, it shut down all of Providence for the entire night into the next day...school buses unable to drop kids off, there fore wreaking havoc on parents, causing panic amongst them...Heres hoping that if we ever get another blizzard so big, they'll shut down the schools faster and activate the National Guard faster unlike they did that year. Kids were on some school buses until 1130, with no places to use the bathroom or eat. I would have been panicked! It took the pizza delivery guy 3 and a half hours to get here from a 2 minute drive away. He eventually had to park and WALK to our house from Valley Street (about 4 blocks) to get Lilia's birthday pizza here. Yeah, he got a $10 tip for that one.
So, considering today is November 8th and it is freezing and it snowed this morning, I am ready for a brutal brutal Winter...especially since this summer wasn't all that bad.
Yikes.
On another note...From the mouths of babes...
When we were coming out of the store, and I was wrangling the girls out to the car while pushing the cart and holding Julias hand, Holli, my ever inquisitive one, asked me why people littered. I simply told her that not everyone cares about Mother Earth...To then which she replied "But, WHY Mama?" I told her "well, becaue baby, not everybody was raised to..." "Like we were?" She said..."Right baby...you were raised to care and not to litter." I replied...
It brings to mind how people are raised today...Why DONT more people care about this earth? It is in fact where we live and have to live for the rest of our lives...Why dont more people give a rats ass about the surroundings they live in? I have had people tell me that they dont care about "this mud ball..." and that theyll be "long gone by the time all the trash builds up..."
Well, truth be told, the "TRASH" is building up alot faster then we think...They are running out of room in Landfills and it scares me to think of where they will put all the trash that they collect every week after they do. I am honestly scared for my great grand children and beyond....This earth wont be the same as it was when I was growing up and now, when my girls are growing....Goddess help us all when Mother Earth decided to implode due to peoples ignorance of how they treat her...
October 22, 2010
Things that piss me off and make me puke
Ok, so instead of putting this all in my status which only allows 420 characters, I figured I would write out a blog -
THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF AND IRRITATE ME -
Women that will give up everything, even their choice of education, for a man.
People who confuse femininity with idiotic, cutesy, giggly, hair-tossing, hanging-all-over-a-man, flirt-till-everyone-around-you-wants-to-puke girlishness.
Men who tell me "I think our friendship would be more solid if we had sex, and got it out of the way." My response: "Not with someone else's body, honey."
Men who walk right past me when I'm in grubby sweatpants and a t shirt, and who then slobber all over me and try to act like Mr. Personality when I'm dressed up. Like I can't tell the fucking difference. And those SAME men who walk up to me and start touching me when I'm wearing something tight/pretty/whatever...THEN, if I don't give them the time of day, I'm a bitch who just wants to talk to good-looking people. Yo asshole, what did you come up to ME for? My Mother-Theresa-like inner beauty or that short little black dress that I was wearing?
Guys who smoke pot all day, as if this makes them sooo hot, swearing that "everyone does it..." I don't and i wont and the smell of it makes me sick... so dont preach to me about how "NATURAL" it is...it STILL FRIES BRAIN CELLS.
Allegedly Christian bible thumpers who throw every noncontextual verse of the Old Testament at anyone thats NOT Christian while conveniently ignoring the New Testament edicts to "Judge not lest ye be judged." and "to love one another."
Religious dorks who think just because you have a different belief system, you must be wrong, required to tell them all about it, and interested in hearing The Truth.
People who think Wicca is Satanistic.....still to this day i have people ask me question after question...if you want to know about Wicca, RESEARCH IT YOURSELF. Dont depend on information that you got from all the hollywood crap thats in movies or on TV. Wicca is a Religion just as much as christianity and buddism and all those others....Oh, and if one more person calls it WICCAN, im gonna flip...Its WICCA, I AM WICCAN. Oy.
People who think Wicca is just a stage I'm going through....after 5 YEARS, Id wager a guess its NOT just a phase...Its my religion, I love my Goddess and follow and worship her with all my heart.....get with it people!
When I'm into a hobby, people asking me what I'm going to do when "I'm tired of it."
Girls who take months getting over some asshole who treated them badly, and then get back together with him.
Men who think women are not good enough to serve in the Military, and the women that are just too damn prissy to....ive had guys say to me "YOU? enlisted in the ARMY? Really? in the Chemical Corps? But youre a chick!" Really? because im a woman i must be stupid and weak?!
Parents and Inlaws who stick their noses into their ADULT children's lives.
People who say, "So who are you going to go out with now?", when they hear that I separated from Dave....Um, DOUCHEBAG...just because Im a woman, with kids, DOES NOT MEAN that i NEED a man...i DONT. Back off. stay out of my frickin business.
Guys who say that they are attracted to your independence, and then two months (or longer) later, tell you they can't deal with a decision you made that was independent....yup....Beauty School....and Dave. Whatev.
Women who KNOW they are a size 14 squeezing their big asses into a size 6, 2 PIECE, SPANDEX outfit....really? i mean COMEONNNNNNNNNN!!!!! i dont wanna see your muffin top or your ass cheeks lookin like two pigs fighting under a blanket...WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIIIIIIIIITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When bartenders/doorpersons look at my i.d. and claim (in surprise) "Wow you were born in 76? You look so much younger." Dude, I KNOW....i get it EVERYWHERE i get carded....think of something more original wontcha??????
Men who assume that my assertiveness must be because "some man burned me". Worse yet, the patronizing types who say, "You'll be okay once you've found Mr. Right, despite my careful explanations that i HAD found Mr. Right and he died. and that i dont WANT to "find" another *replacement* Mr. Right....Cameron was my ONLY Mr. Right...
PeOpLe wHo TyPe LiKe ThiS orrr lyke thysssssssssssssssssssss - PLEASE use correct grammar and spelling! MAJOR pet peeve of mine.
People who think I'm always on the brink of flying off the handle, just because I speak my mind and I'm not afraid of expressing emotions. I say something that sounds even remotely un-easygoing and they say, "Calm down. Don't worry so much! Just calm down." You keep on telling me to calm down and I really WILL fly off the handle.
People who say "why isn't a pretty girl like you hooked up yet?" when they dont know me or my situation.
People who ask me if I have a boyfriend, and when I say no ask "Why not?"
People who, for some reason I can't quite fathom, get defensive and angry with me when I tell them I'm celibate, or tell me I wouldn't be so uptight if I could just get a good lay. I had a guy on fubar the other night, when i told him that i couldnt have an orgasm unless I was in love with someone and thats one reason i didnt do one night stands as they were pointless to me, that he "called bullshit on that one." really? because I wouldnt let YOU into my pants, obviously i was lying...really. MMMHHHMMMM...getta clue. NOT every woman has an orgasm EVERY time she has sex...there ARE women out here that have to have emotional connections to someone TO orgasm. AND, that dont have one night stands. PLEASE!
People who think I'm a lesbian because I don't throw myself at every man I see, or because I refuse to make an idiot out of myself over a man. (i.e. celebrities or someone who flirts with me at a bar.......um, HELLO...BARS are for one night stands...I only go to dance and have a few beers, not to meet people!!!)
ug...so, yea, im in a pissy mood...things irritate me but i dont ever say it because im always "ms nice"....no more. THE BITCH IS BACK BABY!
THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF AND IRRITATE ME -
Women that will give up everything, even their choice of education, for a man.
People who confuse femininity with idiotic, cutesy, giggly, hair-tossing, hanging-all-over-a-man, flirt-till-everyone-around-you-wants-to-puke girlishness.
Men who tell me "I think our friendship would be more solid if we had sex, and got it out of the way." My response: "Not with someone else's body, honey."
Men who walk right past me when I'm in grubby sweatpants and a t shirt, and who then slobber all over me and try to act like Mr. Personality when I'm dressed up. Like I can't tell the fucking difference. And those SAME men who walk up to me and start touching me when I'm wearing something tight/pretty/whatever...THEN, if I don't give them the time of day, I'm a bitch who just wants to talk to good-looking people. Yo asshole, what did you come up to ME for? My Mother-Theresa-like inner beauty or that short little black dress that I was wearing?
Guys who smoke pot all day, as if this makes them sooo hot, swearing that "everyone does it..." I don't and i wont and the smell of it makes me sick... so dont preach to me about how "NATURAL" it is...it STILL FRIES BRAIN CELLS.
Allegedly Christian bible thumpers who throw every noncontextual verse of the Old Testament at anyone thats NOT Christian while conveniently ignoring the New Testament edicts to "Judge not lest ye be judged." and "to love one another."
Religious dorks who think just because you have a different belief system, you must be wrong, required to tell them all about it, and interested in hearing The Truth.
People who think Wicca is Satanistic.....still to this day i have people ask me question after question...if you want to know about Wicca, RESEARCH IT YOURSELF. Dont depend on information that you got from all the hollywood crap thats in movies or on TV. Wicca is a Religion just as much as christianity and buddism and all those others....Oh, and if one more person calls it WICCAN, im gonna flip...Its WICCA, I AM WICCAN. Oy.
People who think Wicca is just a stage I'm going through....after 5 YEARS, Id wager a guess its NOT just a phase...Its my religion, I love my Goddess and follow and worship her with all my heart.....get with it people!
When I'm into a hobby, people asking me what I'm going to do when "I'm tired of it."
Girls who take months getting over some asshole who treated them badly, and then get back together with him.
Men who think women are not good enough to serve in the Military, and the women that are just too damn prissy to....ive had guys say to me "YOU? enlisted in the ARMY? Really? in the Chemical Corps? But youre a chick!" Really? because im a woman i must be stupid and weak?!
Parents and Inlaws who stick their noses into their ADULT children's lives.
People who say, "So who are you going to go out with now?", when they hear that I separated from Dave....Um, DOUCHEBAG...just because Im a woman, with kids, DOES NOT MEAN that i NEED a man...i DONT. Back off. stay out of my frickin business.
Guys who say that they are attracted to your independence, and then two months (or longer) later, tell you they can't deal with a decision you made that was independent....yup....Beauty School....and Dave. Whatev.
Women who KNOW they are a size 14 squeezing their big asses into a size 6, 2 PIECE, SPANDEX outfit....really? i mean COMEONNNNNNNNNN!!!!! i dont wanna see your muffin top or your ass cheeks lookin like two pigs fighting under a blanket...WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIIIIIIIIITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When bartenders/doorpersons look at my i.d. and claim (in surprise) "Wow you were born in 76? You look so much younger." Dude, I KNOW....i get it EVERYWHERE i get carded....think of something more original wontcha??????
Men who assume that my assertiveness must be because "some man burned me". Worse yet, the patronizing types who say, "You'll be okay once you've found Mr. Right, despite my careful explanations that i HAD found Mr. Right and he died. and that i dont WANT to "find" another *replacement* Mr. Right....Cameron was my ONLY Mr. Right...
PeOpLe wHo TyPe LiKe ThiS orrr lyke thysssssssssssssssssssss - PLEASE use correct grammar and spelling! MAJOR pet peeve of mine.
People who think I'm always on the brink of flying off the handle, just because I speak my mind and I'm not afraid of expressing emotions. I say something that sounds even remotely un-easygoing and they say, "Calm down. Don't worry so much! Just calm down." You keep on telling me to calm down and I really WILL fly off the handle.
People who say "why isn't a pretty girl like you hooked up yet?" when they dont know me or my situation.
People who ask me if I have a boyfriend, and when I say no ask "Why not?"
People who, for some reason I can't quite fathom, get defensive and angry with me when I tell them I'm celibate, or tell me I wouldn't be so uptight if I could just get a good lay. I had a guy on fubar the other night, when i told him that i couldnt have an orgasm unless I was in love with someone and thats one reason i didnt do one night stands as they were pointless to me, that he "called bullshit on that one." really? because I wouldnt let YOU into my pants, obviously i was lying...really. MMMHHHMMMM...getta clue. NOT every woman has an orgasm EVERY time she has sex...there ARE women out here that have to have emotional connections to someone TO orgasm. AND, that dont have one night stands. PLEASE!
People who think I'm a lesbian because I don't throw myself at every man I see, or because I refuse to make an idiot out of myself over a man. (i.e. celebrities or someone who flirts with me at a bar.......um, HELLO...BARS are for one night stands...I only go to dance and have a few beers, not to meet people!!!)
ug...so, yea, im in a pissy mood...things irritate me but i dont ever say it because im always "ms nice"....no more. THE BITCH IS BACK BABY!
October 21, 2010
What do you say???
To a 4 and a half year old that was born after her daddy died when she says to you "Mommy, I miss daddy..." My heart breaks everytime she says this to me...it breaks even more then it already is because everyday, I miss him too. I miss the way he made me feel, so loved, adored...I miss how devoted he was...to me AND his girls...
Tell me, what do you say to a 6 year old that looks just like him when she says she misses him too when she says she doesn't remember him because she was only 18 months old when he died???
I guess you can say that its been a rough day...Earlier today, my girls and I were talking about the fact that one day, when they feel ready, they will eventually move out (much to my dismay) to be on their own and find a boyfriend and then a husband...My Bear says to me "Mommy, you left your house because your family was mean to you right?" and I said "yes, babydoll. I left because my mommy beat me up everyday and called me bad names..."
....and then they asked me why she would do that...How do you explain to children that young why you were abused? and why a mother would be so cruel to her child?
It makes me thankful that my girls adore me and tell me on a daily basis that I am the "best mommy in the world!" (and that comes more often when i do things like stop at dunkin donuts for a coffee and get them each a donut, or take them some place special like the zoo)...It makes me grateful that I broke the cycle with my children, that I will never lay a violent misguided hand on them...i dont call them names, i dont ridicule them...even when im not in the best of moods, if they draw a picture and bring it to me gleefully and say "LOOK MOMMY!!!!!" i dont say to them something awful that would be detrimental to their self esteem. Even if im dying in bed, I still muster up a "FANTASTIC baby, its beautiful!!!"
I dont understand why parents have to be so mean to their kids...dont they realize that they are our future generations?? Dont they realize that the more they berate mistreat and abuse our kids (whether its physically or mentally), how much MORE fucked up they would be?? and how pushing them away will make it harder for them later in life to adapt to a relationship and be NORMAL???
Case in point...someone close to me was abused....beaten and berated, kicked out when he was 13 and made to live with family....his marriage was later destroyed because he inflicted the same kind of abuse on his spouse that he endured as a child...another case in point...a girlfriend of mine abused, beaten, berated earlier in life by a male authority figure in her life, made her seek out the affections that she missed out on with this man, with any man that would pay attention to her, and it ending her up in bad relationship after bad relationship...she made the same mistakes over and over again because she hadnt found what she was looking for...
and me....well, i dont know what my issue with relationships are....my first ex, well, he was a career criminal. then there were the few after him before Cameron....one was abusive and threatened me on a daily basis...one cheated on me....another mistreated me in general....then I met my Cameron.......wonderful loving, kind, affectionate, caring Cameron....the man took my shit, accepted it for the way I was and I can only be thankful that I had him for such a short time in my life...
And then theres Dave....well, we all know where thats ended up...another abusive relationship...what is IT with me finding these assholes that like to abuse women?!
I think its because I was raised being abused and I dont feel (even though I KNOW with out a SHADOW of a doubt that I do) that i deserve any better...
Oh well, Im still living my life one day at a time...I dont look towards the future anymore because every time I do, I'm let down BADLY...With friends, relationships and family members...I spend every waking day with my children and thats just going to have to do.
Tell me, what do you say to a 6 year old that looks just like him when she says she misses him too when she says she doesn't remember him because she was only 18 months old when he died???
I guess you can say that its been a rough day...Earlier today, my girls and I were talking about the fact that one day, when they feel ready, they will eventually move out (much to my dismay) to be on their own and find a boyfriend and then a husband...My Bear says to me "Mommy, you left your house because your family was mean to you right?" and I said "yes, babydoll. I left because my mommy beat me up everyday and called me bad names..."
....and then they asked me why she would do that...How do you explain to children that young why you were abused? and why a mother would be so cruel to her child?
It makes me thankful that my girls adore me and tell me on a daily basis that I am the "best mommy in the world!" (and that comes more often when i do things like stop at dunkin donuts for a coffee and get them each a donut, or take them some place special like the zoo)...It makes me grateful that I broke the cycle with my children, that I will never lay a violent misguided hand on them...i dont call them names, i dont ridicule them...even when im not in the best of moods, if they draw a picture and bring it to me gleefully and say "LOOK MOMMY!!!!!" i dont say to them something awful that would be detrimental to their self esteem. Even if im dying in bed, I still muster up a "FANTASTIC baby, its beautiful!!!"
I dont understand why parents have to be so mean to their kids...dont they realize that they are our future generations?? Dont they realize that the more they berate mistreat and abuse our kids (whether its physically or mentally), how much MORE fucked up they would be?? and how pushing them away will make it harder for them later in life to adapt to a relationship and be NORMAL???
Case in point...someone close to me was abused....beaten and berated, kicked out when he was 13 and made to live with family....his marriage was later destroyed because he inflicted the same kind of abuse on his spouse that he endured as a child...another case in point...a girlfriend of mine abused, beaten, berated earlier in life by a male authority figure in her life, made her seek out the affections that she missed out on with this man, with any man that would pay attention to her, and it ending her up in bad relationship after bad relationship...she made the same mistakes over and over again because she hadnt found what she was looking for...
and me....well, i dont know what my issue with relationships are....my first ex, well, he was a career criminal. then there were the few after him before Cameron....one was abusive and threatened me on a daily basis...one cheated on me....another mistreated me in general....then I met my Cameron.......wonderful loving, kind, affectionate, caring Cameron....the man took my shit, accepted it for the way I was and I can only be thankful that I had him for such a short time in my life...
And then theres Dave....well, we all know where thats ended up...another abusive relationship...what is IT with me finding these assholes that like to abuse women?!
I think its because I was raised being abused and I dont feel (even though I KNOW with out a SHADOW of a doubt that I do) that i deserve any better...
Oh well, Im still living my life one day at a time...I dont look towards the future anymore because every time I do, I'm let down BADLY...With friends, relationships and family members...I spend every waking day with my children and thats just going to have to do.
October 18, 2010
Wow
So, it suddenly dawned on me this morning that this will be our 4th Halloween up here in Rhode Island. I'm in shock. I cant believe all the time that we've been up here, how well we are doing, how well things are going, what Ive accomplished in my life in the time that we've been here. I moved on my own, with very little help (literally, VERY little....dave and his brother, his nephew and his bratty niece who threw a hissy fit tempter tantrum and then REFUSED to help any of us and then made her brother stop helping, does NOT warrant help), with three toddlers..Lilia was 4, Holli was 3 and Julia was only 18ish months old when we moved up here. The apartment we moved into was a total shit hole but hey, everyone needs their first craphole right?
Two months after moving up here I enrolled in and a year later finished beauty school, breaking up with dave shortly after, getting back together with dave, getting married, dealt with him going off to BCT (thats basic training for the non army speaking peeps out there reading this) and having someone break into our buildings basement and steal all the copper tubing (damn methheads)....
He came back, Kim and her kids moved in...we moved into my BEAUUUUUUUUUUUTTTIFUL house that I have now ( STILL in love wit this place.) kim moved out, I kicked Dave out in June and am now taking a sewing and dressmaking course and trying to get my make up artistry business off the ground....Life couldnt be any better...and with Halloween (Wiccan new year!! WOOHOO!! :) ) around the corner and whats going on the end of this month with the two disturbed concerts that I wanna go to, halloween parties and the girls going down to the inlaws....on top of home schooling...Whew. its crazy chaotic. But, i love it. I would change ANYTHING about my life at all. Everything that i have gone through has made me the tough, gruff, strong woman that I am today. I love the chaos, the nuttiness and all the craziness that comes with my life.
Being a mom, a woman, independent from a man, making it on my own, taking care of my own and doing me for once, honestly feels good. I am living my life the way that I have felt like I needed to live ever since Cameron left this realm. I spend my time reading, reading tarot cards, developing my mind and my body and strengthening who I am inside as a person....
..............and it feels great. Im the happiest that Ive been since Cameron and I wouldn't trade it for all the world.
Two months after moving up here I enrolled in and a year later finished beauty school, breaking up with dave shortly after, getting back together with dave, getting married, dealt with him going off to BCT (thats basic training for the non army speaking peeps out there reading this) and having someone break into our buildings basement and steal all the copper tubing (damn methheads)....
He came back, Kim and her kids moved in...we moved into my BEAUUUUUUUUUUUTTTIFUL house that I have now ( STILL in love wit this place.) kim moved out, I kicked Dave out in June and am now taking a sewing and dressmaking course and trying to get my make up artistry business off the ground....Life couldnt be any better...and with Halloween (Wiccan new year!! WOOHOO!! :) ) around the corner and whats going on the end of this month with the two disturbed concerts that I wanna go to, halloween parties and the girls going down to the inlaws....on top of home schooling...Whew. its crazy chaotic. But, i love it. I would change ANYTHING about my life at all. Everything that i have gone through has made me the tough, gruff, strong woman that I am today. I love the chaos, the nuttiness and all the craziness that comes with my life.
Being a mom, a woman, independent from a man, making it on my own, taking care of my own and doing me for once, honestly feels good. I am living my life the way that I have felt like I needed to live ever since Cameron left this realm. I spend my time reading, reading tarot cards, developing my mind and my body and strengthening who I am inside as a person....
..............and it feels great. Im the happiest that Ive been since Cameron and I wouldn't trade it for all the world.
So many Changes
So, in the last 5 months since Dave has been gone, i cant believe the changes that have occurred in me and around me. I look back to the blogs that I wrote when he had just left and have been working on myself thoroughly since then.
I meditate almost on a nightly basis. Ive been reading, thinking, praying to the Gods and Goddesses, developing and becoming the strong woman that I once was....and, I can almost feel myself start to trust a bit more everyday...just by the little things that I let my girls do, bit by bit, I'm releasing some more of my controlling grip on them, not letting the negative thoughts enter my brain...Even though things haven't been the best over the last few years, I am slowly trying to build my life back up after Dave destroyed me. I do not feel the hatred, nor do I feel the anger for the people that harmed me in the past.....in fact, I feel sorry for them. I feel pity for them because they were honestly just bullies and felt badly about themselves and didn't know any better...I’ve made it through all the bull and hell and back and I can honestly say that I am a MUCH stronger person then i have ever been.
I've been working on the trust again, working on the forgiveness of people and attempting to be more compassionate and kind towards man kind. Honestly, because there is too much hatred, greed, and violence and just plain meanness in people. It literally makes my heart sad and makes me just sad for humanity...
A friend of mines daughter, told me today that her friends uncle was murdered recently and that today was the memorial. REALLY?! The poor girl had to deal with someone close to her dealing with murder? That just saddens my heart and proves my point with how cruel the world can be…and how deluded and sick…
In addition, I believe last year, a friend of mine whom also home-schools her children told me that a friend of hers' (we'll call her jennifer) daughter told "jennifer" that one of her classmates was on the school bus giving a little boy head. REALLY?! At the time, apparently this little girl was LILIA's AGE!!!!!!!!!! (thes 7 for those of you that dont know)..........How the HELL would a 7 year old KNOW about giving head??? INCREDIBLE.
I take care of, adore and cherish every moment with my girls and almost worship the grounds they walk on. Without them, I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here. The fact that people would subject their kids to that kinda of thing and that kind of behavior, boggles my mind….The thing that i cant understand about people is how much they bitch and complain about being parents and having to "do so much" or their kids or "needing a break"....really, if you WANTED a break or didn't want to be around kids, or raise them to do right or HIDE them from obscenities, WHY DID YOU HAVE THEM?!? If you really didn’t want them, or thought that it was ok to have them around that, you should have just given them up for adoption, I’m sure they could have gotten a much better upbringing then the attitude yelling, screaming and beating, neglect, or being ignored they get...
I grew up having the LITERAL shit kicked out of me....and I remember how scared to death I was because of it most of the time. FOR that reason, I RARELY lay my hands on my children. WHEN I do, you better believe they did something MAJOR to warrant it. When they look at me, I want them to look at me with love and compassion and remember their growing up as fun, loving, affectionate and happy...not be scared to death of me, intimidated or anything of the sort...not filled with anger and hate and being told they are a "pain in the ass" or that I hate them...i ADORE my children...Am I strict and hard on them? Absolutely. You ask anybody that knows me AND them and you see how fantastic their manners are, how well behaved they are....BECAUSE I am hard on them and strict without being violent.
The only thing that I have ever wanted to do in my life besides make up and sing, was be a mom. I couldn't wait to be a mother. I adored EVERY second of being pregnant, even with the morning sickness, the sore breasts, the exhaustion....I felt so lucky to be able to bring a life into this world because i know there are women that aren’t able to get pregnant, and spend THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars TRYING to get pregnant.....I honestly feel honored and blessed that the gods and goddesses blessed me with the ability. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have been able to have the children that I so desperately wanted.
Its why I wanted to home-school them. Aside from the fact that I REFUSE to send them to school in this school district because they SUCCCCCKKKKKK, the very thought of anything happening to my children's innocence and vulnerabilities scare the living hell out of me. Especially going through what I did when i was in school, being bullied on a daily basis, being ridiculed, made fun of, and all that nonsense, i refuse to let my children be subject to that. Its also why I am EXTREMELY careful about what they watch, whats on their tv and what I allow them to be subjected to. I want them to remain innocent for as long as possible. This part of their lives is SO important, SO dependant on a great future that I spend every moment that I can with them in this most important time of their lives.
I care about and adore my children so much that I wont ever put them in daycare...I have three sitters that I use. I refuse to have them around other peoples kids because people don't know (or don't care) about putting their SICK kids in daycare and getting OTHER kids sick...Do I understand that there are some parents that cant take the time off because their kid is sick? Absolutely, I get that. I'm a single parent, have BEEN a single parent and had to worry about that, but ya know what? I either found another BACK UP option or i stayed home from work and took care of my sick child. All's a sick child wants is their mommy anyway, so I'm going to be there for my child. If the employer fires me? Oh well, my children absolutely come first...with all my qualifications, I can easily find another job.
From the abuse when I was younger into my teenage years...to my rapes, to the friggin' Christian boarding school NIGHTMARE that felt like a god damned boot camp for Christianity, to the ex husband that couldn't keep his ass outta jail and giving up my older two children to being homeless to meeting and falling in love with the best thing to ever happen to me, to loosing him and having to raise my girls without their Daddy, to everything that’s gone on in the last 5 years (almost) that Cameron has been gone...I can honestly say that I have been through the ringer and back but I’m still here and persevering like one bad ass bitch. I’m strong, know who I am and what I will and wont put up with, and slowly but surely putting the pieces of my heart back together after loosing trust and faith in humanity and love….I am woman, hear me roar…
I meditate almost on a nightly basis. Ive been reading, thinking, praying to the Gods and Goddesses, developing and becoming the strong woman that I once was....and, I can almost feel myself start to trust a bit more everyday...just by the little things that I let my girls do, bit by bit, I'm releasing some more of my controlling grip on them, not letting the negative thoughts enter my brain...Even though things haven't been the best over the last few years, I am slowly trying to build my life back up after Dave destroyed me. I do not feel the hatred, nor do I feel the anger for the people that harmed me in the past.....in fact, I feel sorry for them. I feel pity for them because they were honestly just bullies and felt badly about themselves and didn't know any better...I’ve made it through all the bull and hell and back and I can honestly say that I am a MUCH stronger person then i have ever been.
I've been working on the trust again, working on the forgiveness of people and attempting to be more compassionate and kind towards man kind. Honestly, because there is too much hatred, greed, and violence and just plain meanness in people. It literally makes my heart sad and makes me just sad for humanity...
A friend of mines daughter, told me today that her friends uncle was murdered recently and that today was the memorial. REALLY?! The poor girl had to deal with someone close to her dealing with murder? That just saddens my heart and proves my point with how cruel the world can be…and how deluded and sick…
In addition, I believe last year, a friend of mine whom also home-schools her children told me that a friend of hers' (we'll call her jennifer) daughter told "jennifer" that one of her classmates was on the school bus giving a little boy head. REALLY?! At the time, apparently this little girl was LILIA's AGE!!!!!!!!!! (thes 7 for those of you that dont know)..........How the HELL would a 7 year old KNOW about giving head??? INCREDIBLE.
I take care of, adore and cherish every moment with my girls and almost worship the grounds they walk on. Without them, I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here. The fact that people would subject their kids to that kinda of thing and that kind of behavior, boggles my mind….The thing that i cant understand about people is how much they bitch and complain about being parents and having to "do so much" or their kids or "needing a break"....really, if you WANTED a break or didn't want to be around kids, or raise them to do right or HIDE them from obscenities, WHY DID YOU HAVE THEM?!? If you really didn’t want them, or thought that it was ok to have them around that, you should have just given them up for adoption, I’m sure they could have gotten a much better upbringing then the attitude yelling, screaming and beating, neglect, or being ignored they get...
I grew up having the LITERAL shit kicked out of me....and I remember how scared to death I was because of it most of the time. FOR that reason, I RARELY lay my hands on my children. WHEN I do, you better believe they did something MAJOR to warrant it. When they look at me, I want them to look at me with love and compassion and remember their growing up as fun, loving, affectionate and happy...not be scared to death of me, intimidated or anything of the sort...not filled with anger and hate and being told they are a "pain in the ass" or that I hate them...i ADORE my children...Am I strict and hard on them? Absolutely. You ask anybody that knows me AND them and you see how fantastic their manners are, how well behaved they are....BECAUSE I am hard on them and strict without being violent.
The only thing that I have ever wanted to do in my life besides make up and sing, was be a mom. I couldn't wait to be a mother. I adored EVERY second of being pregnant, even with the morning sickness, the sore breasts, the exhaustion....I felt so lucky to be able to bring a life into this world because i know there are women that aren’t able to get pregnant, and spend THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars TRYING to get pregnant.....I honestly feel honored and blessed that the gods and goddesses blessed me with the ability. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have been able to have the children that I so desperately wanted.
Its why I wanted to home-school them. Aside from the fact that I REFUSE to send them to school in this school district because they SUCCCCCKKKKKK, the very thought of anything happening to my children's innocence and vulnerabilities scare the living hell out of me. Especially going through what I did when i was in school, being bullied on a daily basis, being ridiculed, made fun of, and all that nonsense, i refuse to let my children be subject to that. Its also why I am EXTREMELY careful about what they watch, whats on their tv and what I allow them to be subjected to. I want them to remain innocent for as long as possible. This part of their lives is SO important, SO dependant on a great future that I spend every moment that I can with them in this most important time of their lives.
I care about and adore my children so much that I wont ever put them in daycare...I have three sitters that I use. I refuse to have them around other peoples kids because people don't know (or don't care) about putting their SICK kids in daycare and getting OTHER kids sick...Do I understand that there are some parents that cant take the time off because their kid is sick? Absolutely, I get that. I'm a single parent, have BEEN a single parent and had to worry about that, but ya know what? I either found another BACK UP option or i stayed home from work and took care of my sick child. All's a sick child wants is their mommy anyway, so I'm going to be there for my child. If the employer fires me? Oh well, my children absolutely come first...with all my qualifications, I can easily find another job.
From the abuse when I was younger into my teenage years...to my rapes, to the friggin' Christian boarding school NIGHTMARE that felt like a god damned boot camp for Christianity, to the ex husband that couldn't keep his ass outta jail and giving up my older two children to being homeless to meeting and falling in love with the best thing to ever happen to me, to loosing him and having to raise my girls without their Daddy, to everything that’s gone on in the last 5 years (almost) that Cameron has been gone...I can honestly say that I have been through the ringer and back but I’m still here and persevering like one bad ass bitch. I’m strong, know who I am and what I will and wont put up with, and slowly but surely putting the pieces of my heart back together after loosing trust and faith in humanity and love….I am woman, hear me roar…
I've learned...
I've learned... that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned... that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned... that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned... that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned... that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned... that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
I've learned... that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned... that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned... that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned... that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned... that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned... that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned... that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned... that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned... that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned... that family and friends are what make us who we are today, and without them we would never be complete.
I've learned...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in *giggle just kidding!*
I've learned...that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off
I've learned... that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned... that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned... that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned... that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned... that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
I've learned... that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned... that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned... that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned... that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned... that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned... that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned... that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned... that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned... that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned... that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned... that family and friends are what make us who we are today, and without them we would never be complete.
I've learned...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in *giggle just kidding!*
I've learned...that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off
update blog
October 9, 2010
So, today I did my measurements and Im happy to say that I have had incredible progress...
Arms - 10.5" (1/2 INCH LOST!)
Waist - 29" (1.5" LOST!!!)
Thighs - 18" (1 Inch LOST!)
Chest - 32" (nothing lost there but that's ok...i'm happy with 32 inches...wouldnt wanna get TO small in the bust area. :( damn small boobies. )
I am SO stoked....When i originally started my healthy lifestyle, I had a 35 inch waist, and a 38 inch bust....Im So happy!! So, that makes 5.5 inches off my waist, and 6 inches off my chest...Ive lost 20 llbs and all those inches and i feel FANTASTIC!!!!!! :-)
I am also the weight that I was when i had my 30th birthday party!!!
So, today I did my measurements and Im happy to say that I have had incredible progress...
Arms - 10.5" (1/2 INCH LOST!)
Waist - 29" (1.5" LOST!!!)
Thighs - 18" (1 Inch LOST!)
Chest - 32" (nothing lost there but that's ok...i'm happy with 32 inches...wouldnt wanna get TO small in the bust area. :( damn small boobies. )
I am SO stoked....When i originally started my healthy lifestyle, I had a 35 inch waist, and a 38 inch bust....Im So happy!! So, that makes 5.5 inches off my waist, and 6 inches off my chest...Ive lost 20 llbs and all those inches and i feel FANTASTIC!!!!!! :-)
I am also the weight that I was when i had my 30th birthday party!!!
September 11, 2010
This is my life
**************DISCLAIMER - THIS IS MY TRUE LIFE STORY. EVEN MY CLOSEST FRIENDS DO NOT KNOW 1/2 OF THE STUFF THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH....I AM HOPING THAT BY OPENING UP AND TELLING MY STORY, THAT IT MIGHT HELP SOMEONE SOMEWHERE....************************
September 11, 1976, 11:28 am, Lady of Lourdes Hospital, Camden, New Jersey
I was brought into this world a screaming wiggly seven pound, two ounce, 21 inch long baby girl to an unwed teenage mother. This was the simple beginning of my life. Although I don’t remember much of my childhood, the little that I do remember was fun and loving. For a while, my mother and I lived with my grandparents in the Cramer Hill section of Camden, New Jersey.
Meager beginnings, not having much of our own, my mothers family took care of us. I vaguely remember my mother telling me stories of sitting me in front of the Christmas tree there. I would stare in wonder and glee at the big flashy bulbs of color like they were a lifeline to the outer world beyond our big Victorian house that we lived in with my great grandparents….It’s funny now how I don’t even celebrate Christmas and cant stand what it stands for.
I know as I got older, we did things with my mothers friends who actually stuck around. For some reason, I remember being in the backseat of my mother’s friend Mary Jane’s car, playing with a pink comb…Even at a young age, I liked hair “stuff”. Little did I know it would lead to a life filled with make up, hair spray and curling irons.
There were days filled with play, love, animals and my grandparents pool table. Days filled with sleeping and love…and then we left…
I’m not altogether sure when it was that my mother and I moved out of my grandparents house. I just know that when I was 18 months old, my mother met my step father who was the man that raised me from that point on.
Suddenly, instead of living in the comfort of my grandparent’s big house, we lived places that I don’t remember. We moved a lot. Different apartments, different houses…I believe this is when the gypsy in me was born.
I do remember living in one big house in Marlton, New Jersey, my dog Stosh that protected me with his life, going to Olga’s Diner for breakfast some Sundays, and my favorite thing, before my fear of the sun started, playing in the home made sand box my Daddy made for me in the backyard of that big house, stripping down to just my panties (I always DID like being naked) and getting a beautiful deeply bronze skin tone like I was born to be in the sun…To bad I can’t get like that now. To bad we can’t walk around in the summer time naked.
When I started kindergarten, I remember having to repeat it but not because I was stupid and was held back. No, for some reason, I think it had something to do with my age and the way my birthday landed and something about not being the “right” age to move onto 1st grade. That time is a blur to me. I don’t remember my first day of school; I don’t remember class pictures or anything of the like.
Sometime between 1st grade and 2nd grade, my parents and I moved into a house with my father’s mother. We only lived there a short time but oh boy did I have fun in the enormous backyard she had. She also had a cherry tree which I absolutely loved. I used to climb the tree and pick and eat them. One of my very first favorite desserts was a cake that my grandmother used to make called a Black forest cake. It was an extremely moist chocolate cake with cherries in it from that cherry tree. I will never forget that.
While we were living at my grandmother’s house, my brother was born. The day my mother went to the hospital to have him, I remember getting up for school and my mother was lying on her bed. She told me it was time for her to go to the hospital and have the baby. At the moment, I don’t remember having much of an opinion of that. I was almost 7 years old.
The day that he was brought home, I remember being across the street from my grandmothers house waiting for the bus to school. My father’s car drove up and I saw my mother get out holding a tiny bundle of blue in her arms. I ran across the street and she bent down for me to see this newest addition to my family. I remember touching his nose and him wrinkling it at me. Then, I had to cross the street again because the bus was coming.
After that day, I remember having this feeling inside me, knowing that not only were things suddenly never going to be the same again, I was not an only child anymore and would have to share the spotlight with this little creature bundled in blue. I also found myself feeling something stir inside me at that young age…I couldn’t wait to have a baby of my own when I got older. A short time after that, we moved again. To apartments in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. We stayed there sometime until we got a house in another part of Cherry Hill when I was getting ready to go into the fourth grade. For some reason, unbeknownst to my 10 year old mind, we only stayed there a year.
During that year, I got the very best present in my whole life up til this moment. I got the kitten I had always wanted. I remember having a fish tank and always going to this one pet store on route 70. When we’d go in there, I would always go to the kitten area. This one particular day, I believe it was a Saturday, my mother announced that we had to go to the pet store for more fish. I didn’t think anything of it because it was something we did often. I just know I got excited because I got to play with the kittens again. Little did I know, we were actually going because I WAS GETTING A KITTEN!!!!
As we entered the store, I bee lined for the area they kept the kittens. As I was standing there talking to an orange one, my mother comes up behind me and says into my ear, “Why don’t you pick one out?” At this point, my breath caught in my chest and I looked up at her in shock and it dawned on me…she was SERIOUS!!! Suddenly, I felt an exclamation point appear overtop of my head and the excitement welled up inside me like a volcano getting ready to erupt. I started jumping up and down, hugging my mother with all my might. I picked out a gorgeous little striped calico and named her Mindie. To this day, I still think about her. Sadly, Mindie passed away in 1994 from cancer…the first loss of many in my life and I miss her. She was a gorgeous cat with the most amazing shade of green eyes. And she only liked me and my mother.
Shortly after we got Mindie, we moved to our house in Merchantville. I started fifth grade there and went straight through to 8th. It was the longest we’ve ever been somewhere. Here was when my first troubles and heartbreaks came alive and happened. It was also where I discovered my love for cheerleading and writing, and my abilities of reading tarot and seeing visions came. It’s also when I discovered astrology.
When I was 12, my Dad left us. My mother was violent and it became increasingly worse. After that, she began beating on me and leaving me and my brother at home by ourselves so that she could go out and party til all hours of the night. I was suddenly the “mistake”, she “never wanted me and was forced to have me” and from there the verbal, emotional and mental abuse started…I suddenly went from the worthy wonderful daughter to the “child that took away her childhood”, the “child that would never amount to anything”...It was devastating to hear that from the mother who had, up til this point loved me so completely and lovingly and cared for…
From then on, I was unwillingly shoved into the “Mother” position, suddenly having to parent my hyperactive brother who was extremely difficult to handle. I was also the maid and the cook. The only room I was NEVER permitted in was my mother’s bedroom.
Most days, I would get up in the morning get my brother up and walk to school since Merchantville didn’t have a bus system. Since my mother didn’t often have to be to work until 9, she wouldn’t get up with us. I would be the one to dress my brother, make sure he ate breakfast and get our lunch money from her doorway of her bedroom, since most times, shed still be in bed. Sometimes the mornings were brutally cold and it felt like we were walking forever. There were days we would be so cold, our hands would be so frozen, we would go into the bathroom and run them under hot water just to warm them up. I would say that it was a good 45 minute walk from our house to the school. I’m fairly certain, now a days, that it could have been construed as abuse on my mother’s end.
You would think that I would have hated that I had to take care of a child that wasn’t even mine but truthfully, it prepared me for later on in life. Did I hate it that my friends were never able to come over because my mother was never home? Yes. Did I hate it when all the friends that I DID have had brand new clothes and I had to wear hand-me-downs because my mother would have rather spent the money on designer clothes for herself and my brother? Absolutely I did. But I played the cards that were dealt me. Because I had to. This would be my mantra for the rest of my life from there on out.
When I was 13, one summer when my mother was at work and my brother was away at a baby sitters, a few of my “friends” came over. They were older then me, five of them ranging in age from 16 to 19. One of them, I had a schoolgirl “crush” on. It was an extremely hot day. I had an air conditioner. I was very young and naïve and didn’t think anything when they showed up. I invited them in and we were sitting, watching television, music videos, eating snacks and goofing around.
Adam* (named changed), the boy I liked, was sitting next to me on the couch, his friends all in different areas of my living room since that’s where my A/C was. Adam kissed me and I liked it. I shied away from him, blushing. It hadn’t been my first kiss but it was my very first “teenage” kiss. He smiled at my shyness and put his arm around me. He kissed my cheek and I shyly looked at him and kissed him on his cheek. We went back and forth like this for a minute, me giggling like a little girl. I got up to change the channel on the tv (before they had remote controls) and sat back down closer to him. Innocently flirting, the way most young teenage girls would do.
Little did I know that it would cause a situation that to this day, I will never forget. Adam wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him, planting a kiss on me that was a little too passionate for my childlike, 13 year old mind. I pushed away from him, moved away and nervously giggled. Then, I heard the bone chilling, cliché words come out of his mouth “Oh, stop, you KNOW you like it. Why don’t you come a little closer to me?” The next hour of my life was the longest I’ve ever endured. All five, taking turns with my young, virginal-never-been-touched-by-a-boy body, holding me down, calling me names, raping me. When they were all done, one spit on me, another kicked me and Adam just laughed and called me a slut. I never saw them again after that. That day was fateful. It was the most horrendous I’ve ever endured physically.
I lay on the floor for hours it seemed like. I finally picked myself up, showered and looked at the bruises they had left on my battered body, over the ones that my mother had left that were healing. My swollen neck from hands on it, the pain in my stomach from being kicked. I threw the clothes that I had been wearing into the garbage, never wanting to see them again. I put long sleeves and stretch pants on and when she came home, I told my mother I was cold when she asked about the clothes. She just rolled her eyes and made a nasty comment. Of which I was used to. That night I didn’t eat dinner. My mother actually seemed genuinely concerned but I told her I was fine, doing to her what I had practice at with other people. I constantly covered up the bruises my mother left on me with make up, constantly said I was “cold” because I would wear long sleeves on a hot summer day. It was nothing new for me.
We moved to West Collingswood shortly after because my mother lost our house from not paying the mortgage. We went back to cramped apartments and scrounging by. Shortly after moving, I missed a period. Of course, I didn’t think anything of it because I had just started getting it so I was still somewhat irregular. Also, with moving again, I was stressed out about starting at a new school…Collingswood High School.
But, then I started to not feel well, my aunt took me to “Birth Right”, a place you can get pregnancy tests at. Sure enough, my rapists had gotten me pregnant. I barely had gotten used to the idea when my mother found out. It was perhaps the scariest moments in my life, rape aside. Of course, instead of telling my mother what happened to me before we moved, I let her go on and think that I was the slut that she was calling me, that I was sleeping around with “god-knows-who.” Somewhere inside me, I couldn’t bare to utter the words “I was raped” to her. Those words were disgusting to even think, let alone say out loud to anyone.
She told me she “was too young to be a grandmother” and that I wouldn’t “be having this baby”. Now, mind you, she was somewhere in her 30’s. She called and scheduled an appointment at an abortion clinic in Cherry Hill. Did I want to go? No, I was scared out of my mind. Did I know what I was going to do that day? Not really, I had no idea. Until later when I saw something on television had I realized that I had killed my child. I had no say in it. I had no say in if I wanted to carry the baby to term and possibly give it up or keep it. Regardless of what happened to create that child, I would have LIKED to have had a choice in the matter. But, I didn’t.
Then, the depression started. The suicidal thoughts, the sadness. My grades slipped fatefully. One day when I was watching my bother, I was sitting in my room and my thoughts consumed me. I went around the house and found every spare pill that I could find. My mother was on various medications for various things…I took those pills. I found Advil, Tylenol, and some other stuff that I couldn’t identify. I found a bottle of vodka that my mother had stashed in her bedroom and went back to mine. I locked my door and turned up the music as loud as it would go. I proceeded to take handfuls of pills mixed together with gulps of vodka, trying to kill the pain that I felt so deep within myself. I don’t know what happened after a few because I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with charcoal all over me.
As I opened my eyes, it took a moment to register where I was and started to cry when I realize my suicide attempt hadn’t worked….I had to continue to live a life that I hated…The nurse came in and checked my vitals…Everything after that was a whirlwind. Of course, in true form, no one, including my mother, took responsibility for it. After that, I went to counseling for 6 months and that’s where I discovered writing.
I started going to my therapist after I tried committing suicide. He suggested I start writing. Write everything and anything under the sun. First, it was just supposed to be a journal type thing but then it turned into stories and poetry and songs…I had unleashed a gift I didn’t know I’d had. I believe this is where my creativity started.
I would write and write and write and write. I had a whole book filled with poetry, songs and other stuff. I lost the book when I went to a boarding school for girls. Ill tell you more about that later on.
Of course, 2 years later, even with the writing, life at home didn’t get any better. My mother had stopped going out so much but she was still unavailable, to busy for her children or to even care. She and I used to fight so badly, someone called the cops and called DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) on her. When they came, I lied. I lied through my teeth for fear of my mother would find out and the consequences would be fatal to me. I told them that everything was fine of course. That things were peachy. They never found out about my suicide attempt. And, if they did, they didn’t ask me about it. Of course, I was told later by my Father that my mother said I was the one to call them. I didn’t even know who they were. Just knew suddenly these people were in my life that could take me and my brother away from my mother. I was around 16 at this point.
Even though life was difficult and angry and violent, this was the only life that I knew. If I would have to leave, I would be separated from the brother that I had been raising and taking care of for 4 years. I wouldn’t ever see my friends again. My life wouldn’t be the same and it had already been so tumultuous that I didn’t want to betray what little faith I had that my mother would change.
Shortly after that, my mother sent me away. She told me that it was because I was “too hard to handle” and that she “wanted me to get back on track in life”. Bull shit, she wanted to get rid of me. She didn’t want me anymore.
It was October 1992 when she left me that fateful day at that boarding school for girls. It was a Christian school. We were homeschooled, never allowed to leave unless accompanied by one of the adults for “fear we’d run away”…Many girls did manage to get away. I knew I didn’t have anywhere to go at that point. It was either stay there or go back home, being beaten, verbally abused, mistreated and neglected. I stayed.
I made it until I was 18. I met my 1st husband at a “college aged singles group” that the school actually had let me go to because I had reached level 5+. I met him and we all hung out at functions and at the singles groups where wed study the bible. He was the sweetest, most attentive, caring man. Or so I thought…That was a journey that turned my life around 180 degrees. The day that I decided to leave school for this man was the day that he had written a note and handed it to our mutual friend Pam to give me at Church one night slyly. It said he was moving to Texas and wanted me to come with him.
At the time I thought no man would ever love me the way that he did. So, with 4 months left until I graduated “high school” and the Program at the boarding school, with a somewhat decent job at a dentists office, I left it all behind for him…a choice that would forever change my life.
It was a chilly day the day I took a chance and ran away….I knew that if I didn’t, then I would have to go back to that house and be belittled and abused and mistreated… It was a work day for me….I told the one woman that was my supervisor, after I made her coffee for her, something I did for her whenever I made her a cup, that I was taking my break. For a moment, I sat in the kitchenette area, staring at the clock, counting down the seconds until I could dash out the side door unnoticed…I sat, pretending to look at a fashion magazine, looked at the clock one more time, waited until the coast was clear and took off…I sat waiting in the bushes for him to come…I watched for his car. When I saw it, I looked around, saw no one and high-tailed it, jumped in and slouched down.
That was the beginning of the most wonderful time in my life....
I was loved, I was cared for, he treated me like a queen for a very long time………it was the first time in my life that I knew what it was like to be loved and not screamed at or mistreated. I was happy…Of course, he was controlling and dominant, but, because of my mother and the way that she was, it wasn’t that much different except for the fact that this man ADORED me. He loved me, treated me with respect and gentleness and didn’t hit or scream at me. We moved to Texas and it was wonderful. Sure there were some rocky times and there was some fights and some struggling times but ultimately, we were happy...
Until we moved back to New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Things took a turn for the worse and this is the time that I still have trouble dealing with and talking about so I am going to skip it…for now. Just know that he ended up in jail….and I didn’t know what to do or how to take care of the money or what…it was tough, but, I made decisions that I wish hadn’t had to have made....
Shortly after he was arrested, I met a man who I’ll call “Chris” (changed his name too)…I got introduced to drugs and for a while it was all i did…sleep, dance, ecstasy, weed, drinking….I barely ate.......i was partying the time away because I still was in so much pain from everything….and it wasn’t long before I realized that this man was abusive. He belittled me, berated me, mistreated me….i was blind and wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him….until one fateful day when I realized I was pregnant, and told him the next day…What happened next was horrible. He assaulted me….After I told him that I refused to have an abortion, that I would be having this child, he assaulted me and told me that if I didn’t have an abortion, he would find us, and kill us both…I was scared out of my mind, but while on the phone with a friend of mine telling her where I lived so that she could come up from MD and get me, he was assaulting me and I was fighting back. I had to. For the life of myself and for the life of my unborn child…and Im glad that I did.
That child is now almost 8 years old and has the biggest heart of gold on the planet. She’s my second in command and I adore her. Without her, I really don’t think that I would have lived had I stayed in the situation that I was. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant with her, I more then likely would be dead.
After I left “Chris” and moved to MD, I was only there a short time before circumstances brought me back to NJ. I didn’t WANT to go back to NJ but unfortunately, I had to.....I hopped from one persons house to another before ending up at a homeless shelter for women and children...the best thing that could have ever happened to me. October of 2002.
This was another turning point in my life....I shared an apartment with two other women that were in the program and it was where I started learning to be on my own, take care of my child and getting the therapy that I needed for so long....I had Lilia two months later, on December 13th 2002 and it was the best time in my life. I adored her, she was my world and I did anything and everything for her. I got a job at a pizza place and worked 36 hours a week trying to get off welfare and saving up for a place for us to move into on our own. I met many good friends there, one of which is my best friend to this day. I grew and learned how to truly be a woman and a mother.
I worked at the pizza place for a couple of months before i found a better paying job at a law firm in Haddonfield NJ in July of 2003. I LOVED working there and could feel the twinges of independence coming out of me. I was making my own HONEST money, and not even a year after getting ON welfare, I got OFF of it. I had found a place that I was going to move into with Lilia and it was the beginning of a beautiful life...
Two months after starting that job, I just happened to be walking back to my office from getting lunch and it was dreary and rainy. I was walking along the street that was lined with trees and I got pelted in the head with a raindrop. I looked up and another smacked me in the eye…After I shook my head and rubbed my eye, I looked up and one of the most beautiful men that I had ever seen was standing 20 feet in front of me giggling. I asked him “You saw that didn’t ya?” and he giggled “uh huh…” 10 minutes later, I was digging into my purse to find a pen to write down my phone number. The days before cell phones!
This beautiful funny, man, became my husband, love mate, soul mate and best friend in the whole world. That man was my Cameron. We met on September 3, 2003 and he was taken away from me, 2 years, 3 months, 11 days later. But, in the two years that we had together, we made two beautiful children together, Holli and Julia. I have two beautiful reminders of him, two gorgeous living reminders of the love that we shared…the incredible whirl wind romance.
Our lives haven't been perfect since we lost him, but, we've had love, weve had fun and I strive everyday to make him proud as i know hes watching over us and protecting us. He inspired in me to do the best that i could, love with ALL my heart, do what I want to do and not to live for anyone but our girls. Like he did....He taught me to love, he taught me to trust and with everything that I am, im trying. He also taught me not to give a shit what anyone thinks or says and for a while, i did live like that...As time has worn on, its been adjusted but, everything he taught me, healed me from alot that ive been through...
I enrolled and finished beauty school as well as bartending school...I have dreams for myself and for my girls that without my perserverance and strength in life, i wouldnt have. I have made it through things that most people only read about or hear about on the news...but, ive made it through and i think im a pretty damn awesome chick.
So, there ya have it, there's my story...........I dunno why i felt compelled to write it but i did. I hope ya'll like it.
September 11, 1976, 11:28 am, Lady of Lourdes Hospital, Camden, New Jersey
I was brought into this world a screaming wiggly seven pound, two ounce, 21 inch long baby girl to an unwed teenage mother. This was the simple beginning of my life. Although I don’t remember much of my childhood, the little that I do remember was fun and loving. For a while, my mother and I lived with my grandparents in the Cramer Hill section of Camden, New Jersey.
Meager beginnings, not having much of our own, my mothers family took care of us. I vaguely remember my mother telling me stories of sitting me in front of the Christmas tree there. I would stare in wonder and glee at the big flashy bulbs of color like they were a lifeline to the outer world beyond our big Victorian house that we lived in with my great grandparents….It’s funny now how I don’t even celebrate Christmas and cant stand what it stands for.
I know as I got older, we did things with my mothers friends who actually stuck around. For some reason, I remember being in the backseat of my mother’s friend Mary Jane’s car, playing with a pink comb…Even at a young age, I liked hair “stuff”. Little did I know it would lead to a life filled with make up, hair spray and curling irons.
There were days filled with play, love, animals and my grandparents pool table. Days filled with sleeping and love…and then we left…
I’m not altogether sure when it was that my mother and I moved out of my grandparents house. I just know that when I was 18 months old, my mother met my step father who was the man that raised me from that point on.
Suddenly, instead of living in the comfort of my grandparent’s big house, we lived places that I don’t remember. We moved a lot. Different apartments, different houses…I believe this is when the gypsy in me was born.
I do remember living in one big house in Marlton, New Jersey, my dog Stosh that protected me with his life, going to Olga’s Diner for breakfast some Sundays, and my favorite thing, before my fear of the sun started, playing in the home made sand box my Daddy made for me in the backyard of that big house, stripping down to just my panties (I always DID like being naked) and getting a beautiful deeply bronze skin tone like I was born to be in the sun…To bad I can’t get like that now. To bad we can’t walk around in the summer time naked.
When I started kindergarten, I remember having to repeat it but not because I was stupid and was held back. No, for some reason, I think it had something to do with my age and the way my birthday landed and something about not being the “right” age to move onto 1st grade. That time is a blur to me. I don’t remember my first day of school; I don’t remember class pictures or anything of the like.
Sometime between 1st grade and 2nd grade, my parents and I moved into a house with my father’s mother. We only lived there a short time but oh boy did I have fun in the enormous backyard she had. She also had a cherry tree which I absolutely loved. I used to climb the tree and pick and eat them. One of my very first favorite desserts was a cake that my grandmother used to make called a Black forest cake. It was an extremely moist chocolate cake with cherries in it from that cherry tree. I will never forget that.
While we were living at my grandmother’s house, my brother was born. The day my mother went to the hospital to have him, I remember getting up for school and my mother was lying on her bed. She told me it was time for her to go to the hospital and have the baby. At the moment, I don’t remember having much of an opinion of that. I was almost 7 years old.
The day that he was brought home, I remember being across the street from my grandmothers house waiting for the bus to school. My father’s car drove up and I saw my mother get out holding a tiny bundle of blue in her arms. I ran across the street and she bent down for me to see this newest addition to my family. I remember touching his nose and him wrinkling it at me. Then, I had to cross the street again because the bus was coming.
After that day, I remember having this feeling inside me, knowing that not only were things suddenly never going to be the same again, I was not an only child anymore and would have to share the spotlight with this little creature bundled in blue. I also found myself feeling something stir inside me at that young age…I couldn’t wait to have a baby of my own when I got older. A short time after that, we moved again. To apartments in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. We stayed there sometime until we got a house in another part of Cherry Hill when I was getting ready to go into the fourth grade. For some reason, unbeknownst to my 10 year old mind, we only stayed there a year.
During that year, I got the very best present in my whole life up til this moment. I got the kitten I had always wanted. I remember having a fish tank and always going to this one pet store on route 70. When we’d go in there, I would always go to the kitten area. This one particular day, I believe it was a Saturday, my mother announced that we had to go to the pet store for more fish. I didn’t think anything of it because it was something we did often. I just know I got excited because I got to play with the kittens again. Little did I know, we were actually going because I WAS GETTING A KITTEN!!!!
As we entered the store, I bee lined for the area they kept the kittens. As I was standing there talking to an orange one, my mother comes up behind me and says into my ear, “Why don’t you pick one out?” At this point, my breath caught in my chest and I looked up at her in shock and it dawned on me…she was SERIOUS!!! Suddenly, I felt an exclamation point appear overtop of my head and the excitement welled up inside me like a volcano getting ready to erupt. I started jumping up and down, hugging my mother with all my might. I picked out a gorgeous little striped calico and named her Mindie. To this day, I still think about her. Sadly, Mindie passed away in 1994 from cancer…the first loss of many in my life and I miss her. She was a gorgeous cat with the most amazing shade of green eyes. And she only liked me and my mother.
Shortly after we got Mindie, we moved to our house in Merchantville. I started fifth grade there and went straight through to 8th. It was the longest we’ve ever been somewhere. Here was when my first troubles and heartbreaks came alive and happened. It was also where I discovered my love for cheerleading and writing, and my abilities of reading tarot and seeing visions came. It’s also when I discovered astrology.
When I was 12, my Dad left us. My mother was violent and it became increasingly worse. After that, she began beating on me and leaving me and my brother at home by ourselves so that she could go out and party til all hours of the night. I was suddenly the “mistake”, she “never wanted me and was forced to have me” and from there the verbal, emotional and mental abuse started…I suddenly went from the worthy wonderful daughter to the “child that took away her childhood”, the “child that would never amount to anything”...It was devastating to hear that from the mother who had, up til this point loved me so completely and lovingly and cared for…
From then on, I was unwillingly shoved into the “Mother” position, suddenly having to parent my hyperactive brother who was extremely difficult to handle. I was also the maid and the cook. The only room I was NEVER permitted in was my mother’s bedroom.
Most days, I would get up in the morning get my brother up and walk to school since Merchantville didn’t have a bus system. Since my mother didn’t often have to be to work until 9, she wouldn’t get up with us. I would be the one to dress my brother, make sure he ate breakfast and get our lunch money from her doorway of her bedroom, since most times, shed still be in bed. Sometimes the mornings were brutally cold and it felt like we were walking forever. There were days we would be so cold, our hands would be so frozen, we would go into the bathroom and run them under hot water just to warm them up. I would say that it was a good 45 minute walk from our house to the school. I’m fairly certain, now a days, that it could have been construed as abuse on my mother’s end.
You would think that I would have hated that I had to take care of a child that wasn’t even mine but truthfully, it prepared me for later on in life. Did I hate it that my friends were never able to come over because my mother was never home? Yes. Did I hate it when all the friends that I DID have had brand new clothes and I had to wear hand-me-downs because my mother would have rather spent the money on designer clothes for herself and my brother? Absolutely I did. But I played the cards that were dealt me. Because I had to. This would be my mantra for the rest of my life from there on out.
When I was 13, one summer when my mother was at work and my brother was away at a baby sitters, a few of my “friends” came over. They were older then me, five of them ranging in age from 16 to 19. One of them, I had a schoolgirl “crush” on. It was an extremely hot day. I had an air conditioner. I was very young and naïve and didn’t think anything when they showed up. I invited them in and we were sitting, watching television, music videos, eating snacks and goofing around.
Adam* (named changed), the boy I liked, was sitting next to me on the couch, his friends all in different areas of my living room since that’s where my A/C was. Adam kissed me and I liked it. I shied away from him, blushing. It hadn’t been my first kiss but it was my very first “teenage” kiss. He smiled at my shyness and put his arm around me. He kissed my cheek and I shyly looked at him and kissed him on his cheek. We went back and forth like this for a minute, me giggling like a little girl. I got up to change the channel on the tv (before they had remote controls) and sat back down closer to him. Innocently flirting, the way most young teenage girls would do.
Little did I know that it would cause a situation that to this day, I will never forget. Adam wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him, planting a kiss on me that was a little too passionate for my childlike, 13 year old mind. I pushed away from him, moved away and nervously giggled. Then, I heard the bone chilling, cliché words come out of his mouth “Oh, stop, you KNOW you like it. Why don’t you come a little closer to me?” The next hour of my life was the longest I’ve ever endured. All five, taking turns with my young, virginal-never-been-touched-by-a-boy body, holding me down, calling me names, raping me. When they were all done, one spit on me, another kicked me and Adam just laughed and called me a slut. I never saw them again after that. That day was fateful. It was the most horrendous I’ve ever endured physically.
I lay on the floor for hours it seemed like. I finally picked myself up, showered and looked at the bruises they had left on my battered body, over the ones that my mother had left that were healing. My swollen neck from hands on it, the pain in my stomach from being kicked. I threw the clothes that I had been wearing into the garbage, never wanting to see them again. I put long sleeves and stretch pants on and when she came home, I told my mother I was cold when she asked about the clothes. She just rolled her eyes and made a nasty comment. Of which I was used to. That night I didn’t eat dinner. My mother actually seemed genuinely concerned but I told her I was fine, doing to her what I had practice at with other people. I constantly covered up the bruises my mother left on me with make up, constantly said I was “cold” because I would wear long sleeves on a hot summer day. It was nothing new for me.
We moved to West Collingswood shortly after because my mother lost our house from not paying the mortgage. We went back to cramped apartments and scrounging by. Shortly after moving, I missed a period. Of course, I didn’t think anything of it because I had just started getting it so I was still somewhat irregular. Also, with moving again, I was stressed out about starting at a new school…Collingswood High School.
But, then I started to not feel well, my aunt took me to “Birth Right”, a place you can get pregnancy tests at. Sure enough, my rapists had gotten me pregnant. I barely had gotten used to the idea when my mother found out. It was perhaps the scariest moments in my life, rape aside. Of course, instead of telling my mother what happened to me before we moved, I let her go on and think that I was the slut that she was calling me, that I was sleeping around with “god-knows-who.” Somewhere inside me, I couldn’t bare to utter the words “I was raped” to her. Those words were disgusting to even think, let alone say out loud to anyone.
She told me she “was too young to be a grandmother” and that I wouldn’t “be having this baby”. Now, mind you, she was somewhere in her 30’s. She called and scheduled an appointment at an abortion clinic in Cherry Hill. Did I want to go? No, I was scared out of my mind. Did I know what I was going to do that day? Not really, I had no idea. Until later when I saw something on television had I realized that I had killed my child. I had no say in it. I had no say in if I wanted to carry the baby to term and possibly give it up or keep it. Regardless of what happened to create that child, I would have LIKED to have had a choice in the matter. But, I didn’t.
Then, the depression started. The suicidal thoughts, the sadness. My grades slipped fatefully. One day when I was watching my bother, I was sitting in my room and my thoughts consumed me. I went around the house and found every spare pill that I could find. My mother was on various medications for various things…I took those pills. I found Advil, Tylenol, and some other stuff that I couldn’t identify. I found a bottle of vodka that my mother had stashed in her bedroom and went back to mine. I locked my door and turned up the music as loud as it would go. I proceeded to take handfuls of pills mixed together with gulps of vodka, trying to kill the pain that I felt so deep within myself. I don’t know what happened after a few because I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with charcoal all over me.
As I opened my eyes, it took a moment to register where I was and started to cry when I realize my suicide attempt hadn’t worked….I had to continue to live a life that I hated…The nurse came in and checked my vitals…Everything after that was a whirlwind. Of course, in true form, no one, including my mother, took responsibility for it. After that, I went to counseling for 6 months and that’s where I discovered writing.
I started going to my therapist after I tried committing suicide. He suggested I start writing. Write everything and anything under the sun. First, it was just supposed to be a journal type thing but then it turned into stories and poetry and songs…I had unleashed a gift I didn’t know I’d had. I believe this is where my creativity started.
I would write and write and write and write. I had a whole book filled with poetry, songs and other stuff. I lost the book when I went to a boarding school for girls. Ill tell you more about that later on.
Of course, 2 years later, even with the writing, life at home didn’t get any better. My mother had stopped going out so much but she was still unavailable, to busy for her children or to even care. She and I used to fight so badly, someone called the cops and called DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) on her. When they came, I lied. I lied through my teeth for fear of my mother would find out and the consequences would be fatal to me. I told them that everything was fine of course. That things were peachy. They never found out about my suicide attempt. And, if they did, they didn’t ask me about it. Of course, I was told later by my Father that my mother said I was the one to call them. I didn’t even know who they were. Just knew suddenly these people were in my life that could take me and my brother away from my mother. I was around 16 at this point.
Even though life was difficult and angry and violent, this was the only life that I knew. If I would have to leave, I would be separated from the brother that I had been raising and taking care of for 4 years. I wouldn’t ever see my friends again. My life wouldn’t be the same and it had already been so tumultuous that I didn’t want to betray what little faith I had that my mother would change.
Shortly after that, my mother sent me away. She told me that it was because I was “too hard to handle” and that she “wanted me to get back on track in life”. Bull shit, she wanted to get rid of me. She didn’t want me anymore.
It was October 1992 when she left me that fateful day at that boarding school for girls. It was a Christian school. We were homeschooled, never allowed to leave unless accompanied by one of the adults for “fear we’d run away”…Many girls did manage to get away. I knew I didn’t have anywhere to go at that point. It was either stay there or go back home, being beaten, verbally abused, mistreated and neglected. I stayed.
I made it until I was 18. I met my 1st husband at a “college aged singles group” that the school actually had let me go to because I had reached level 5+. I met him and we all hung out at functions and at the singles groups where wed study the bible. He was the sweetest, most attentive, caring man. Or so I thought…That was a journey that turned my life around 180 degrees. The day that I decided to leave school for this man was the day that he had written a note and handed it to our mutual friend Pam to give me at Church one night slyly. It said he was moving to Texas and wanted me to come with him.
At the time I thought no man would ever love me the way that he did. So, with 4 months left until I graduated “high school” and the Program at the boarding school, with a somewhat decent job at a dentists office, I left it all behind for him…a choice that would forever change my life.
It was a chilly day the day I took a chance and ran away….I knew that if I didn’t, then I would have to go back to that house and be belittled and abused and mistreated… It was a work day for me….I told the one woman that was my supervisor, after I made her coffee for her, something I did for her whenever I made her a cup, that I was taking my break. For a moment, I sat in the kitchenette area, staring at the clock, counting down the seconds until I could dash out the side door unnoticed…I sat, pretending to look at a fashion magazine, looked at the clock one more time, waited until the coast was clear and took off…I sat waiting in the bushes for him to come…I watched for his car. When I saw it, I looked around, saw no one and high-tailed it, jumped in and slouched down.
That was the beginning of the most wonderful time in my life....
I was loved, I was cared for, he treated me like a queen for a very long time………it was the first time in my life that I knew what it was like to be loved and not screamed at or mistreated. I was happy…Of course, he was controlling and dominant, but, because of my mother and the way that she was, it wasn’t that much different except for the fact that this man ADORED me. He loved me, treated me with respect and gentleness and didn’t hit or scream at me. We moved to Texas and it was wonderful. Sure there were some rocky times and there was some fights and some struggling times but ultimately, we were happy...
Until we moved back to New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Things took a turn for the worse and this is the time that I still have trouble dealing with and talking about so I am going to skip it…for now. Just know that he ended up in jail….and I didn’t know what to do or how to take care of the money or what…it was tough, but, I made decisions that I wish hadn’t had to have made....
Shortly after he was arrested, I met a man who I’ll call “Chris” (changed his name too)…I got introduced to drugs and for a while it was all i did…sleep, dance, ecstasy, weed, drinking….I barely ate.......i was partying the time away because I still was in so much pain from everything….and it wasn’t long before I realized that this man was abusive. He belittled me, berated me, mistreated me….i was blind and wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him….until one fateful day when I realized I was pregnant, and told him the next day…What happened next was horrible. He assaulted me….After I told him that I refused to have an abortion, that I would be having this child, he assaulted me and told me that if I didn’t have an abortion, he would find us, and kill us both…I was scared out of my mind, but while on the phone with a friend of mine telling her where I lived so that she could come up from MD and get me, he was assaulting me and I was fighting back. I had to. For the life of myself and for the life of my unborn child…and Im glad that I did.
That child is now almost 8 years old and has the biggest heart of gold on the planet. She’s my second in command and I adore her. Without her, I really don’t think that I would have lived had I stayed in the situation that I was. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant with her, I more then likely would be dead.
After I left “Chris” and moved to MD, I was only there a short time before circumstances brought me back to NJ. I didn’t WANT to go back to NJ but unfortunately, I had to.....I hopped from one persons house to another before ending up at a homeless shelter for women and children...the best thing that could have ever happened to me. October of 2002.
This was another turning point in my life....I shared an apartment with two other women that were in the program and it was where I started learning to be on my own, take care of my child and getting the therapy that I needed for so long....I had Lilia two months later, on December 13th 2002 and it was the best time in my life. I adored her, she was my world and I did anything and everything for her. I got a job at a pizza place and worked 36 hours a week trying to get off welfare and saving up for a place for us to move into on our own. I met many good friends there, one of which is my best friend to this day. I grew and learned how to truly be a woman and a mother.
I worked at the pizza place for a couple of months before i found a better paying job at a law firm in Haddonfield NJ in July of 2003. I LOVED working there and could feel the twinges of independence coming out of me. I was making my own HONEST money, and not even a year after getting ON welfare, I got OFF of it. I had found a place that I was going to move into with Lilia and it was the beginning of a beautiful life...
Two months after starting that job, I just happened to be walking back to my office from getting lunch and it was dreary and rainy. I was walking along the street that was lined with trees and I got pelted in the head with a raindrop. I looked up and another smacked me in the eye…After I shook my head and rubbed my eye, I looked up and one of the most beautiful men that I had ever seen was standing 20 feet in front of me giggling. I asked him “You saw that didn’t ya?” and he giggled “uh huh…” 10 minutes later, I was digging into my purse to find a pen to write down my phone number. The days before cell phones!
This beautiful funny, man, became my husband, love mate, soul mate and best friend in the whole world. That man was my Cameron. We met on September 3, 2003 and he was taken away from me, 2 years, 3 months, 11 days later. But, in the two years that we had together, we made two beautiful children together, Holli and Julia. I have two beautiful reminders of him, two gorgeous living reminders of the love that we shared…the incredible whirl wind romance.
Our lives haven't been perfect since we lost him, but, we've had love, weve had fun and I strive everyday to make him proud as i know hes watching over us and protecting us. He inspired in me to do the best that i could, love with ALL my heart, do what I want to do and not to live for anyone but our girls. Like he did....He taught me to love, he taught me to trust and with everything that I am, im trying. He also taught me not to give a shit what anyone thinks or says and for a while, i did live like that...As time has worn on, its been adjusted but, everything he taught me, healed me from alot that ive been through...
I enrolled and finished beauty school as well as bartending school...I have dreams for myself and for my girls that without my perserverance and strength in life, i wouldnt have. I have made it through things that most people only read about or hear about on the news...but, ive made it through and i think im a pretty damn awesome chick.
So, there ya have it, there's my story...........I dunno why i felt compelled to write it but i did. I hope ya'll like it.
August 02, 2010
Weightloss/healthy life style Update
So, today I did my measurements and Im happy to say that I have had incredible progress...
Arms - 10.5" (1/2 INCH LOST!)
Waist - 29.5" (1 INCH LOST!)
Thighs - 18" (1 Inch LOST!)
Chest - 32" (nothing lost there but that's ok...i'm happy with 32 inches)
I am SO stoked....When i originally started my healthy lifestyle, I had a 35 inches waist, and a 38 inch bust....Im So happy!! So, that makes 5.5 inches off my waist, and 6 inches off my chest...Ive lost 17 lbs and all those inches and i feel FANTASTIC!!!!!! :-)
I am also the weight that I was when i had my 30th birthday party!!!
Arms - 10.5" (1/2 INCH LOST!)
Waist - 29.5" (1 INCH LOST!)
Thighs - 18" (1 Inch LOST!)
Chest - 32" (nothing lost there but that's ok...i'm happy with 32 inches)
I am SO stoked....When i originally started my healthy lifestyle, I had a 35 inches waist, and a 38 inch bust....Im So happy!! So, that makes 5.5 inches off my waist, and 6 inches off my chest...Ive lost 17 lbs and all those inches and i feel FANTASTIC!!!!!! :-)
I am also the weight that I was when i had my 30th birthday party!!!
July 15, 2010
P90X Day 5
So< today i got on the scale and ive lost 3 lbs and in the mirror, Im already starting to see results. :) Im really excited about this and cant wait to see what else my body is going to do...
Today was legs and back and over all, even though I had to keep stopping because of my children interrupting me every 5 minutes and blowing my focus, it was.......ok. If you have trouble with balance, this particular disk will be hard. I have some balance issues and had to use a chair to maintain the balance and prevent from falling over...I may not have gotten the same results as if i was doing it with out the chair but, i still felt the "burn"...
I bought whey protein yesterday in strawberry and i have to say its not all that bad. a little on the watery side but ill get used to it. It has 52 g of protein per 2 scoops and only 280 calories so i can use that for a meal instead of trying to rummage through my cabinets or fridge to eat for that meal...Im kinda getting sick of eating salads, apple and fruit bars for every meal...lol...
On top of the P90X I'm doing, Im throwing in Jillain Michael's 30 day shred to supplement at night sometimes....Especially if i eat pretty crappy during the day and wanna burn off a few more calories.
I purchased a heart rate monitor yesterday as well and LOVE this thing...I sat here yesterday with the calories burn counter going for roughly about an hour and i burned 200 calories JUST sitting here....Now, I did take the trash out, sweep the floors in my kitchen and bring the recycling bin downstairs but that only burned about 20 calories...surprisingly. The way this thing works is it works with your heartbeat. You program your age and your sex and it goes from there...it even has a little button you can press to see what your heart rate is randomly, which i love because i have irregularities and palpitations at times and with that feature I can check to see what my HR is...LOVE it!
Today was legs and back and over all, even though I had to keep stopping because of my children interrupting me every 5 minutes and blowing my focus, it was.......ok. If you have trouble with balance, this particular disk will be hard. I have some balance issues and had to use a chair to maintain the balance and prevent from falling over...I may not have gotten the same results as if i was doing it with out the chair but, i still felt the "burn"...
I bought whey protein yesterday in strawberry and i have to say its not all that bad. a little on the watery side but ill get used to it. It has 52 g of protein per 2 scoops and only 280 calories so i can use that for a meal instead of trying to rummage through my cabinets or fridge to eat for that meal...Im kinda getting sick of eating salads, apple and fruit bars for every meal...lol...
On top of the P90X I'm doing, Im throwing in Jillain Michael's 30 day shred to supplement at night sometimes....Especially if i eat pretty crappy during the day and wanna burn off a few more calories.
I purchased a heart rate monitor yesterday as well and LOVE this thing...I sat here yesterday with the calories burn counter going for roughly about an hour and i burned 200 calories JUST sitting here....Now, I did take the trash out, sweep the floors in my kitchen and bring the recycling bin downstairs but that only burned about 20 calories...surprisingly. The way this thing works is it works with your heartbeat. You program your age and your sex and it goes from there...it even has a little button you can press to see what your heart rate is randomly, which i love because i have irregularities and palpitations at times and with that feature I can check to see what my HR is...LOVE it!
July 13, 2010
Day three - P90X
Shoulders and arms
So, today I did shoulders and arms on p90x and i was able to get through the whole thing with no troubles...i looked at my arms in the mirror and totally can already see a difference. Theres definition in my muscles that there wasnt really before and Im stoked...If im already seeing progress three days in, i cant imagine what I am going to look like on day 30, or even 60 and i definitely cant wait until Day 90 which is in October. Im wicked stoked now...I know i was kinda bitchy before about this but after i retried cardio x last night and nailed it, i got re-excited about this. I really cant wait to see results. :)
So, today I did shoulders and arms on p90x and i was able to get through the whole thing with no troubles...i looked at my arms in the mirror and totally can already see a difference. Theres definition in my muscles that there wasnt really before and Im stoked...If im already seeing progress three days in, i cant imagine what I am going to look like on day 30, or even 60 and i definitely cant wait until Day 90 which is in October. Im wicked stoked now...I know i was kinda bitchy before about this but after i retried cardio x last night and nailed it, i got re-excited about this. I really cant wait to see results. :)
July 11, 2010
P90X - a brand new lifestyle
So, since March I have been on this healthy lifestyle kick when i looked in the mirror and suddenly realized that i had gotten heavy...the typical "newlywed weight" that ya put on after you get married....So, i joined a gym, worked with a personal trainer for a while and got on the fitness track....ive lost 4 inches off my waist and bust line and have shed 15-18 pounds (depending on the time of the month it is) and needed something else....something MORE....
I kept hearing about this thing called P90X....about the results, about how good it was and all that...So, i caved and bought it. i couldn't wait to get it....i've done the first two disks a few times because i would get started and then something would distract me or what-have-you...Plus, i needed a couple of things for the work outs...a pull up bar ( which i already had) and some resistance bands for disk three...I finally got those yesterday and restarted it today...I am really determined to make this work...
In addition to the P90X I am going to be doing Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred on top of the P90X...I am going to NJ next week to visit my dad and a few other people and I want to be BIKINI READY....i want to at least LOOK like Im on my way to having a slammin body...
These are my before shots:
And here are my measurements:
Upper Arm - 11 inches
Bust - 32 inches (Im satisfied with this measurement as its what I was when I was in high school)
Waist 30.5 inches (GOAL - 26")
Hips - 36 inches (GOAL - 32")
thighs 19 inches
I don't know my weight at the moment because its that time of the month and I don't go anywhere NEAR a scale right now. But, I will weigh myself at the end of the week, right before I go to NJ and I will update you.
I want to lose another 20 pounds or so...I want skin so tight it looks like it was painted onto my body...And with the muscle I plan on gaining from all the working out and toning, I more then plan on it looking like that by the end of the summer...
Im probably going to need a new wardrobe by Christmas.
Can't wait!
I kept hearing about this thing called P90X....about the results, about how good it was and all that...So, i caved and bought it. i couldn't wait to get it....i've done the first two disks a few times because i would get started and then something would distract me or what-have-you...Plus, i needed a couple of things for the work outs...a pull up bar ( which i already had) and some resistance bands for disk three...I finally got those yesterday and restarted it today...I am really determined to make this work...
In addition to the P90X I am going to be doing Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred on top of the P90X...I am going to NJ next week to visit my dad and a few other people and I want to be BIKINI READY....i want to at least LOOK like Im on my way to having a slammin body...
These are my before shots:
And here are my measurements:
Upper Arm - 11 inches
Bust - 32 inches (Im satisfied with this measurement as its what I was when I was in high school)
Waist 30.5 inches (GOAL - 26")
Hips - 36 inches (GOAL - 32")
thighs 19 inches
I don't know my weight at the moment because its that time of the month and I don't go anywhere NEAR a scale right now. But, I will weigh myself at the end of the week, right before I go to NJ and I will update you.
I want to lose another 20 pounds or so...I want skin so tight it looks like it was painted onto my body...And with the muscle I plan on gaining from all the working out and toning, I more then plan on it looking like that by the end of the summer...
Im probably going to need a new wardrobe by Christmas.
Can't wait!
July 09, 2010
What am I supposed to think?
Why does it hurt so much? What is this pain that I feel so tight in my chest?
Can I, Will I ever trust you again? Why do I have to continually hide the pain that you caused, acting like it doesn't bother me that you stole my heart then trashed it over and over again and I know people around me know the truth...To know that my heart and soul will continue to hide the bitter pain that you caused and will continue to push people away that want to get close to me because I fear they'll hurt me and break my heart/trust again...and all the possible feelings that I feel or will feel for someone, friend or otherwise, cant come to surface because of what YOU DID to me.... People think Im this strong woman when all i wanna do is really curl up and cry for the pain you caused...for the fact that I will NEVER trust another living soul because of the trust you continually broke over and over and over and over again....
You swear that you love me, and you swear that you want to work through things and you talk pretty words but in my heart and mind i cant trust you enough to let you back in...if ever...i don't know where I stand right now...which way is up, which way is down...I know that I cant trust you, no matter how hard you try....thinking thinking thinking...that's all i do and over and over and over it goes back to HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME, HOW MUCH you destroyed every little iota of adoration, love, admiration and respect that i actually had for you....all the changes i made for you, all the sacrifices and compromises.......and you took advantage of me...you emotionally and mentally abused me, withheld your emotions, intimacies, physicality and love...that's not what a husband does...not a newlywed husband...notta husband who's been married 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, 50 years, not even 500 years...it was cruel....and inhumane......I gave you my love, unwaveringly, i gave you my already wounded heart after loosing the ONE person in my life who ACTUALLY GOT me....and, you stepped all over it...i gave you my trust when i couldn't trust anybody and you broke it continually over and over again...i supported you in everything you did, encouraged you, took care of you and all you ever wanted to do was act like i didn't exist...all i wanted from you was love, the same kind of love that i felt for you....the same kind of respect and adoration and appreciation that i had for you.......the love that you promised me over and over and over again but continually held ever so slightly just beyond my reach...
When I lost Cameron, you were there to pick up the pieces but you did exactly what everyone else in my life has done....you left....I may have kicked you out physically but you left and checked out of this relationship a LONG time ago....and now that you realize what you lost, NOW you want to work through things? You left, Cameron left, my mother pushed me away....maybe this was what i was born for...i have tried SO HARD not to become like her but it seems that the bitterness she had, the coldness that she had is starting to creep into my chest and body...Im numb and i cant feel anymore because of all the pain and suffering Ive had to deal with over the last 33 years of my life....
My mother didn't even want me...she was forced to have me....hated me because i was a constant reminder of a "man she hated" because i look just like him....I was a constant reminder of her childhood being taken away...did I ask to be born? no....hell, she even had an IUD and she STILL got pregnant with me...I know she would have aborted me..she never wanted me....and to this day i honestly believe that nobody really wants me...including you....you honestly just want, what was it that you said?? Oh yea, something to the affect of "ready made pussy"...THAT was classy, Ill tell ya...
I'm torn because we have only been married for a year. But, you've caused me so much pain that i cant physically feel anything. I'm hurt, in pain, numb........the love that i had for you has all but dwindled except for a single tear drop that falls on occasion....I want a divorce but then in the next breath, i'm scared to death because the dating world is a scary place and i don't want to go through the motions...but, im scared that if i let you back, if i let you back in, which, right now, my heart is WAY to broken to even consider it, ill feel like I'm settling because I'm afraid of the dating world...and im afraid that youll just break my heart again, over and over and over...........
Why am I writing this? well, because, i need to. I need to get it ALL out. In the open, clear, honest, brutal.....the fighting, the lying....the truth has GOT to come out....i never lied to you to impress you about ANYTHING in my life....i feel like your toxic...i feel like if i let you back in, you're going to pull me down and drown me with your poison....I really wish that i knew another way to feel or how to say what i feel but i don't. my heart is bleeding because you pushed a dagger through it so many times it cant heal itself.
Can I, Will I ever trust you again? Why do I have to continually hide the pain that you caused, acting like it doesn't bother me that you stole my heart then trashed it over and over again and I know people around me know the truth...To know that my heart and soul will continue to hide the bitter pain that you caused and will continue to push people away that want to get close to me because I fear they'll hurt me and break my heart/trust again...and all the possible feelings that I feel or will feel for someone, friend or otherwise, cant come to surface because of what YOU DID to me.... People think Im this strong woman when all i wanna do is really curl up and cry for the pain you caused...for the fact that I will NEVER trust another living soul because of the trust you continually broke over and over and over and over again....
You swear that you love me, and you swear that you want to work through things and you talk pretty words but in my heart and mind i cant trust you enough to let you back in...if ever...i don't know where I stand right now...which way is up, which way is down...I know that I cant trust you, no matter how hard you try....thinking thinking thinking...that's all i do and over and over and over it goes back to HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME, HOW MUCH you destroyed every little iota of adoration, love, admiration and respect that i actually had for you....all the changes i made for you, all the sacrifices and compromises.......and you took advantage of me...you emotionally and mentally abused me, withheld your emotions, intimacies, physicality and love...that's not what a husband does...not a newlywed husband...notta husband who's been married 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, 50 years, not even 500 years...it was cruel....and inhumane......I gave you my love, unwaveringly, i gave you my already wounded heart after loosing the ONE person in my life who ACTUALLY GOT me....and, you stepped all over it...i gave you my trust when i couldn't trust anybody and you broke it continually over and over again...i supported you in everything you did, encouraged you, took care of you and all you ever wanted to do was act like i didn't exist...all i wanted from you was love, the same kind of love that i felt for you....the same kind of respect and adoration and appreciation that i had for you.......the love that you promised me over and over and over again but continually held ever so slightly just beyond my reach...
When I lost Cameron, you were there to pick up the pieces but you did exactly what everyone else in my life has done....you left....I may have kicked you out physically but you left and checked out of this relationship a LONG time ago....and now that you realize what you lost, NOW you want to work through things? You left, Cameron left, my mother pushed me away....maybe this was what i was born for...i have tried SO HARD not to become like her but it seems that the bitterness she had, the coldness that she had is starting to creep into my chest and body...Im numb and i cant feel anymore because of all the pain and suffering Ive had to deal with over the last 33 years of my life....
My mother didn't even want me...she was forced to have me....hated me because i was a constant reminder of a "man she hated" because i look just like him....I was a constant reminder of her childhood being taken away...did I ask to be born? no....hell, she even had an IUD and she STILL got pregnant with me...I know she would have aborted me..she never wanted me....and to this day i honestly believe that nobody really wants me...including you....you honestly just want, what was it that you said?? Oh yea, something to the affect of "ready made pussy"...THAT was classy, Ill tell ya...
I'm torn because we have only been married for a year. But, you've caused me so much pain that i cant physically feel anything. I'm hurt, in pain, numb........the love that i had for you has all but dwindled except for a single tear drop that falls on occasion....I want a divorce but then in the next breath, i'm scared to death because the dating world is a scary place and i don't want to go through the motions...but, im scared that if i let you back, if i let you back in, which, right now, my heart is WAY to broken to even consider it, ill feel like I'm settling because I'm afraid of the dating world...and im afraid that youll just break my heart again, over and over and over...........
Why am I writing this? well, because, i need to. I need to get it ALL out. In the open, clear, honest, brutal.....the fighting, the lying....the truth has GOT to come out....i never lied to you to impress you about ANYTHING in my life....i feel like your toxic...i feel like if i let you back in, you're going to pull me down and drown me with your poison....I really wish that i knew another way to feel or how to say what i feel but i don't. my heart is bleeding because you pushed a dagger through it so many times it cant heal itself.
June 27, 2010
Trying to find myself again....
As I'm coming out of the trenches of a long emotionally abusive hurtful relationship, I'm slowly starting to find myself again...I'm becoming stronger, more confident and am happy with the ME that I am becoming again......HOWEVER.....there's a *FEW* little things weighing heavy on my mind....
Alot of you don't realize whats going on with Dave aside from the little that I have told everyone....and in this blog i describe a little of whats been going on, whats on my mind and whats going on in my redheaded brain of mine.....
1st and foremost - Love.....wow, where do I start with this??? I want a love that was similar to the one that I had with Cameron. Sure, I loved Dave but it wasn't with the same passion....not the same kind of feeling....until he went to BCT and was gone for 11 weeks...i finally started feeling it.......but, then he came home and destroyed it. Every ounce of feeling, of adoration, of pride, of passion and love that had grown inside me during the 11 weeks he was gone was destroyed within a few months time.....The hurt, betrayal and mistrust that I am going through trying to heal my heart is devastating and I really don't know if it can be repaired. I want so desperately to be able to trust people enough to open my heart to TRULY love and BE loved like what i had with Cameron..........Now, don't get me wrong....i KNOW that NOTHING will replace what me and Cameron had...What we had was amazing....blissful....HAPPY....loving....soul mates....there's just NOTHING that can replace it....he was my best friend in the whole world...my lover, my friend, the father of my children....Yes, we may have had our screaming matches, but, just like every couple, that's normal...it was the fire in us both that made us fight like that...........BUT.......we ALWAYS made up with the SAME fire that was in us when we were fighting....there was passion and bliss....and I was undeniably the happiest i have EVER been in my life.......
To find that or have that again would be amazing...blissful even, but, for me to ask for that again from The Gods and Goddesses again???? I feel that would be greedy of me because that love could be for someone else who hasn't HAD it before...Am I saying that I'm not worthy of a love like that again? No, I'm not...I KNOW I'm worthy without a shadow of a doubt...But, sometimes, when i look in the mirror, I wonder..."why would i want to take that love away from someone else who hasn't HAD a love like what me and Cameron shared? I wouldnt...." so I feel like I settle for anything but terrific because I DON'T want to be greedy...Is that strange?
I know I am a fantastic catch but honestly, because of loosing Cameron and then what Dave did to me.........Im SO SCARED....I am honestly truly scared out of my ever loving mind to even think about letting down that guard, opening my heart again for fear of being hurt like that again...
The Second thing weighing heavily on my mind is Trust....I cant trust anybody to not hurt me, to not want to take advantage of me in some way shape or form. Since Cameron passed away, Ive had so MANY people do that to me and honestly, in my eyes, Dave was the last...I honestly cant trust anyone....though Im working on it, its tough. REAL tough....I think that anyone interested in me JUST wants to get into my pants and that be that....and for me, in MY opinion, if you start trying to talk about anything remotely sexual RIGHT from the jump, i think that you cant keep your mind on getting to know ME..........the REAL me....I mean I know that we are all adults and sex IS a LARGE part of adulthood...However........IT IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be the FIRST thing a man and a woman discuss when they either A) first meet (unless its going to be a one night stand thing, OF WHICH, I DONT DO) or B)are on their first date or C) the relationship isnt going to pan out to much more then one or two dates before it fizzles...
I think anyone interested in me wont like/eventually love the REAL me...the me that gets up in the morning and wants NOTHING to do with anyone (except my girls) for at LEAST 45 minutes....the me that wears sweats most of the time (though, since my body change, that's been changing and i've actually been getting DRESSED)...the me that is crabby and angry and moody the week before the period rears its ugly head....the OCD me....The ADHD ULTRA HYPER for NO reason me.........the goof ball me........I cant trust that they really want to get to know the REAL me....and though I DO have people that I KNOW would LOVE to, i cant open my heart and mind to them SIMPLY for the fact of I DONT WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN and i CANT trust them...
And the last thing.........Forgiveness....As previously mentioned, I have been hurt by ALOT of people in the past and I am just going to remain silent on who's who in that equation, however, it has come to my attention (on my own) that in order to TRULY be able to trust the people in the future...........i need to forgive the people in the PAST that have hurt me......And, i am working on it. But, its tough. Will i FORGET the pain they caused me? Nope, more then likely NO. Will i forgive them? well, the jury's still deliberating on that. However....this does NOT mean that I will let these people back into my life to hurt me again. or deceive me again....
This is where I was talking about earlier when I mentioned that I'm becoming much stronger, and more confident...As my muscles grow with strength, so does my mind...i may be timid in some areas, but I am STRONG in others.
As Eminem's Song "Not Afraid" says in the one line "Im NOT AFRAID, To Take a Stand, Everybody, Come Take my hand...."
And Im not........I am taking a stand against being mistreated, hurt or abused anymore.
Alot of you don't realize whats going on with Dave aside from the little that I have told everyone....and in this blog i describe a little of whats been going on, whats on my mind and whats going on in my redheaded brain of mine.....
1st and foremost - Love.....wow, where do I start with this??? I want a love that was similar to the one that I had with Cameron. Sure, I loved Dave but it wasn't with the same passion....not the same kind of feeling....until he went to BCT and was gone for 11 weeks...i finally started feeling it.......but, then he came home and destroyed it. Every ounce of feeling, of adoration, of pride, of passion and love that had grown inside me during the 11 weeks he was gone was destroyed within a few months time.....The hurt, betrayal and mistrust that I am going through trying to heal my heart is devastating and I really don't know if it can be repaired. I want so desperately to be able to trust people enough to open my heart to TRULY love and BE loved like what i had with Cameron..........Now, don't get me wrong....i KNOW that NOTHING will replace what me and Cameron had...What we had was amazing....blissful....HAPPY....loving....soul mates....there's just NOTHING that can replace it....he was my best friend in the whole world...my lover, my friend, the father of my children....Yes, we may have had our screaming matches, but, just like every couple, that's normal...it was the fire in us both that made us fight like that...........BUT.......we ALWAYS made up with the SAME fire that was in us when we were fighting....there was passion and bliss....and I was undeniably the happiest i have EVER been in my life.......
To find that or have that again would be amazing...blissful even, but, for me to ask for that again from The Gods and Goddesses again???? I feel that would be greedy of me because that love could be for someone else who hasn't HAD it before...Am I saying that I'm not worthy of a love like that again? No, I'm not...I KNOW I'm worthy without a shadow of a doubt...But, sometimes, when i look in the mirror, I wonder..."why would i want to take that love away from someone else who hasn't HAD a love like what me and Cameron shared? I wouldnt...." so I feel like I settle for anything but terrific because I DON'T want to be greedy...Is that strange?
I know I am a fantastic catch but honestly, because of loosing Cameron and then what Dave did to me.........Im SO SCARED....I am honestly truly scared out of my ever loving mind to even think about letting down that guard, opening my heart again for fear of being hurt like that again...
The Second thing weighing heavily on my mind is Trust....I cant trust anybody to not hurt me, to not want to take advantage of me in some way shape or form. Since Cameron passed away, Ive had so MANY people do that to me and honestly, in my eyes, Dave was the last...I honestly cant trust anyone....though Im working on it, its tough. REAL tough....I think that anyone interested in me JUST wants to get into my pants and that be that....and for me, in MY opinion, if you start trying to talk about anything remotely sexual RIGHT from the jump, i think that you cant keep your mind on getting to know ME..........the REAL me....I mean I know that we are all adults and sex IS a LARGE part of adulthood...However........IT IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be the FIRST thing a man and a woman discuss when they either A) first meet (unless its going to be a one night stand thing, OF WHICH, I DONT DO) or B)are on their first date or C) the relationship isnt going to pan out to much more then one or two dates before it fizzles...
I think anyone interested in me wont like/eventually love the REAL me...the me that gets up in the morning and wants NOTHING to do with anyone (except my girls) for at LEAST 45 minutes....the me that wears sweats most of the time (though, since my body change, that's been changing and i've actually been getting DRESSED)...the me that is crabby and angry and moody the week before the period rears its ugly head....the OCD me....The ADHD ULTRA HYPER for NO reason me.........the goof ball me........I cant trust that they really want to get to know the REAL me....and though I DO have people that I KNOW would LOVE to, i cant open my heart and mind to them SIMPLY for the fact of I DONT WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN and i CANT trust them...
And the last thing.........Forgiveness....As previously mentioned, I have been hurt by ALOT of people in the past and I am just going to remain silent on who's who in that equation, however, it has come to my attention (on my own) that in order to TRULY be able to trust the people in the future...........i need to forgive the people in the PAST that have hurt me......And, i am working on it. But, its tough. Will i FORGET the pain they caused me? Nope, more then likely NO. Will i forgive them? well, the jury's still deliberating on that. However....this does NOT mean that I will let these people back into my life to hurt me again. or deceive me again....
This is where I was talking about earlier when I mentioned that I'm becoming much stronger, and more confident...As my muscles grow with strength, so does my mind...i may be timid in some areas, but I am STRONG in others.
As Eminem's Song "Not Afraid" says in the one line "Im NOT AFRAID, To Take a Stand, Everybody, Come Take my hand...."
And Im not........I am taking a stand against being mistreated, hurt or abused anymore.
May 15, 2010
so much is going on
So, since we moved life has been a bit on the chaotic side -
we moved
kim and her kids moved out so there was an adjustment period there after going from the 5 of us to the 9 of us then moving then going right back to the 5 of us again...
getting lilia on a daily school schedule and keeping her to it
finding a job - working for three weeks then ultimately leaving that job because i felt COMPLETELY irrevocably uncomfortable with the way things were run there (imma bartender)
job hunting, going on interview after interview...
keeping up with the house, the kids, and all thats in between...
ive been working out and on 1270(ish) calorie diet and an extreme workout regimen that includes going to the gym and jillian michaels' 30 day shred...ive lost 15 pounds so far. I feel great!
other then that, pretty much everything else is normal....except the fact that we're fighting again........badly...i cant keep up appearances for the sake of looking and sit here acting like everything's peachy. its not. i told dave yesterday that i want a separation...i cant take the fighting, the bickering, the arguing, the "at-each-others-throats" feelings...its just not kosher with me. it doesn't sit right. I cant handle it. So, i told him.
i feel oddly calm but slightly nervous...this will make us, or, break us...we'll see.
Hes going to try to go to Kentucky. he has a friend down there whos family owns a mine. i told him to be careful...
we moved
kim and her kids moved out so there was an adjustment period there after going from the 5 of us to the 9 of us then moving then going right back to the 5 of us again...
getting lilia on a daily school schedule and keeping her to it
finding a job - working for three weeks then ultimately leaving that job because i felt COMPLETELY irrevocably uncomfortable with the way things were run there (imma bartender)
job hunting, going on interview after interview...
keeping up with the house, the kids, and all thats in between...
ive been working out and on 1270(ish) calorie diet and an extreme workout regimen that includes going to the gym and jillian michaels' 30 day shred...ive lost 15 pounds so far. I feel great!
other then that, pretty much everything else is normal....except the fact that we're fighting again........badly...i cant keep up appearances for the sake of looking and sit here acting like everything's peachy. its not. i told dave yesterday that i want a separation...i cant take the fighting, the bickering, the arguing, the "at-each-others-throats" feelings...its just not kosher with me. it doesn't sit right. I cant handle it. So, i told him.
i feel oddly calm but slightly nervous...this will make us, or, break us...we'll see.
Hes going to try to go to Kentucky. he has a friend down there whos family owns a mine. i told him to be careful...
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