Completely at Peace

so, the past few weeks has been a little nutty ultimately ending this past tuesday ( 12-22) when my recruiter called me and told me that they had to drop me and that my enlistment is off. I was devastated and i cant even begin the thoughts and stuff that went through my mind, my heart....my emotions.

But, today, since its christmas and i dont celebrate the day and the girls aren't here until the second of january, i figured i would consult the tarot cards and my well worn path cards. I honestly am at peace with the answers theyve given me. While i was ecstatic about leaving and being able to move and whatnot but apparently im not supposed to do that. Apparently, from what the tarot says, I'm to open a business....what KIND of business is beyond me but whatever they have in store for me, i will gladly accept with humble peace.

Life...

So, today as I'm sitting here thinking about the last few years, it dawns on me that my heart has become jaded and I've become what ive wanted to avoid....cold....bitchy....jaded almost. So, I make the vow today, as of December 17th 2009 that I will become the kind hearted loving caring woman that I was before. I dont like being cold, or a bitch. I have been looking at my affirmations everyday but some how they dont seem to be working. I need to start meditating hard core again. Im not cold towards my kids at all or towards my husband but towards other people. And I dont know why or how it happened. I know alot has happened since Cameron passed away but that doesnt mean that I should become this cold hearted bitch. I dont like it and its not me.

So, I make this vow that i will become the person that I was before...loving, kind hearted and caring towards other people. Im going to try to "pay it forward" and be nice but not a push over or naive.

My chilren and their homeschooling...

So, this evening as i was getting stuff together for the rest of the weeks homeschooling for my two older girls, I took a peek into their sketch books that I allow them to draw and color in when theyve finished their work. Let me just say that I almost cried happy tears when I flipped through the pages...ALL of the pages had blues, greens, yellows, reds...flowers, butterflies, rainbows, birds...and many of the pictures they drew were of me and them doing things together....seperately of course, done on several separate occasions independently of each other. They drew happy smiling faces on every single page, every single sketch, drawing, stick figure etc that they had drawn. This gives me such validation that my girls are truly, wonderfully, outstandingly happy. And it makes me realize that I am raising them to be the happy little girls that I so long for them to be.

Its always been my hearts desire to have them grow up happy and glad to be alive and not afraid of anything...unlike the not so happy light that I grew up, with terrible abuse, neglect and emotional trauma. I was never loved on, never hugged or kissed unless it was in front of the rest of my family to put on airs...I always dreaded being home because it was terrible...One example that I can clearly remember was being at school at lunch...As I saw my friends at school eating lovingly packed home lunches, I would rifle through my bag for the couple of dollars my mother would throw at me in the mornings because she didnt care enough to get out of bed to make my lunch like every one elses mother so that I could choose something to eat from the cafeteria food...I dont want my girls to grow up like that so i make it a point to love on them, constantly and consistently tell them I love them on an hourly basis, play with them, show them i am GLAD and HAPPY to be their mother.

Which is why I was so happy and excited to see their artwork...it validates that Im doing something right.

And if you ask them "do you think your mommy is a good Mommy?" and theyll say with voices loud and proud a resounding "YES!!!" They are constantly telling me how much they love me, miss me ( even when Im sitting in the same room with them) and are always running out from where ever they may be to hug and kiss and love on me...I call it "fly by loving" :)

I must be doing something right. :)

November 8, 2009 Entry

As I sit in my living-room waiting for the clock to tick closer to 2000 hours, the time my children go to bed, I watch candles that I lit in a protection spell burn down to nothing. There has been a lot of chaos and nuttiness here in the Champion-Palmer-Wagner house hold. So much so that I decided to use my Black Destroyer Oil across my front front door, my top step and the door that comes into my apartment, burn two red candles doused in it and two John the conqueror incense sticks. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this will work and the protection bubble that i have cast around this house will be impermeable to evil and negative energy.

That being said, I have 85 days until I ship for Basic Combat Training in Ft Sill, OK...Im reading about myths and folklore and in one of them it says this:

"When leaving to go on a journey, if your right foot itches you're bound to have a good journey. If your left foot itches it will end in sorrow."

Guess that means that my whole journey and experience will be good. Which, I know full well that it will. I have faith in myself and KNOW that I will be an excellent soldier. I can not wait to wear that uniform. In my heart i honestly can say that I feel like I belong there. I had some future soldier stuff to do yesterday (Saturday November 7) and the whole time I was where the function was, I felt at complete peace. I felt calm...and I wasn't nervous in the slightest.........and one word that I can honestly say...............................FINALLY.