I feel like a grown up!!! (FINALLY!!!)

As I sit here remembering yesterday, after just getting back from running to the post office, I am still in shock, staring at the brand new 2010 Ford Focus that is sitting in my spot in the parking lot. I still cant believe its mine, and that I was approved for a loan and drove off the lot 2 hours after getting there yesterday in a brand SPANKING new (to me its new, its preowned with only 19,000 miles on it) car.

Today, I FEEL my age....And its not a bad thing. Until recently, I didnt feel like an "adult" truly because when I bought my truck, I walked into the dealership and handed them a check for $24,419.97. No loans, no fuss no muss...When I got notice that I was approved yesterday, and I walked into the dealership with kids and husband in tow, I was (mildly) thinking that it was a farce, not true and that it wouldnt be legit...

I was wrong.

And I couldn't be happier....The fact that having this car, paying it every month, and paying it off will INCREDIBLY be fantastic for my credit, is going to be amazing...I finally FEEL like a grown up....I honestly dont know why its taken me this long to....had I gotten this loan YEARS ago, I more then likely would have let it get repossessed, more then likely wouldn't have cared............But now that Ive gone through the stuff that I have, and lost my truck for three months due to technical break down and needing to get repaired, Ive realized how important it is to have a reliable car and how important paying bills are.

When I was with my ex-husband Michael, he took care of the bills and he had a car repossessed shortly after we got together. At the time, it didn't dawn on me that it would affect his credit. I also had no idea that the many credit cards that he had me get in my name would damage my credit so bad when he didn't pay them that Id be in a financial area of my life that prohibited me from getting loans for things like plastic surgery, a house and even a car.

Here I am, 34 years old and I have always felt like I was "playing house" and that at any moment, my mother was going to walk in, tell me how worthless I was and take over the house hold as she always did.

I can honestly say that after yesterday, I now feel like I AM the woman of the house and feel grown up.

Even after being divorced, widowed, married again, moving 300 miles from my friends and family, going to school and all the stuff that Ive been through hasnt made me feel like one...........getting approved for the loan and driving off the lot with a BRAND NEW (i.e. 2010) car did...

Isnt that funny?

I cant take it anymore...

So, Ive been going through a few things here lately that has had me in an up and down roller coaster ride....My close friends on here know whats going on but I thought I would write about it because sometimes writing really helps me...

I have told my husband that I want a divorce.....this time though, unlike last time, there will be no separation, no "working it out", no "talking"....this is it. Last time, I told him we needed to separate for a while................and while he was gone, I filed for divorce, and went to court..............we reconciled before it was final...HUGE mistake...............................I should have let the divorce go through. I should have let it become finalized so that when he started pulling this stuff again, I could boot him and I didn't have to worry about paying for filing and dealing with this crap again...But I do...

In 2007, I called off our engagement but stayed with him because I was blind, stupid and in a not so good predicament...In 2008, I'd finally had enough and threw him out...

He came back two weeks later...In January of 2009...we got married that March...Last year, on the morning of our one year wedding anniversary, we were goofing around and I dont know what I did but he raised his hand to me............he didnt hit me because I looked him straight dead in the eye and challenged him.............He put it down and that was that...however, I couldn't trust him after that..............I told him two months later that he needed to leave.........and he did...a couple of weeks later...

In August, two months after he left, I filed for divorce. He called me pissed off...We fought.................................

Flash forward to December after having a few heartbreaking things happen to me over the summer.....

We started talking again...I felt like, in my own mind, that I deserved what I got with what happened to me over the summer...I felt like he was the only thing that I was good enough for...

So, I let him come back..............again..............but this time, instead of just the stuff he did before, hes now verbally abusive...saying things to me that I cant even believe he did....Hes made me second guess myself, my self worth go down the drain...I compromised who I was for him so that I could make this marriage work...my heart hurts and I'm literally scared that if I don't get rid of him RIGHT NOW, Ill be an angry bitter mean person like he is...He made a comment SO belittling about me in front of a mutual friend of ours three weeks ago that I cant even think about sex....I haven't masturbated at all even because of this ONE comment he made....I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I cant even allow myself to be naked around him...

And even though he apologized to me, I felt like it was forced because I had been, as HE would say "bitching at him" to apologize....and this particular comment he made wasnt the only thing he said...

He broke me............

I dont know if that was his intention but I literally feel like I did when I was little and my mother was hurling abusive insults at me on a consistent basis...No person should do to someone they (supposedly) love and care about what hes done to me...

Not to mention, hes lazy, unmotivated, and until two weeks ago when I threw a fit about this, he wasnt financially contributing to the household...Hes always threatening to quit his job, always complaining about work and not treating me with the respect and appreciation I deserve..............Oh, and I have suspicions that hes cheating on me...

I wrote him an email (since hes always either working, or sleeping because he works overnight) telling him I want him to leave...

Im taking back my power.

I'm done.