True People and being honest

So, recently I was speaking with someone for a few weeks. Long enough to start exchanging personal information about ourselves...Not things like our social security numbers or where we live and work, but, things like last names and birthdays.

I freely gave him my info (my first and last name and my bday) and asked for his...and he wouldn't tell me without me basically bugging him and saying that the whole point of talking and "getting to know each other" was to learn about each other....he FINALLY (begrudgingly I might add) gave me his last name...after saying that he had "friends in IT and was paranoid"....TWO HUGE red flags....I still dont know his birthday...

So, I blocked him.

I would understand if it was 2 days into our convo I was bugging him about this info, but i wasn't. It was a casual question...He should have known me well enough that I wasn't going to try to stalk him or find his Facebook or google him at this time. Maybe if he had asked ME if we wanted to exchange facebooks, I would have, but he didn't, so I dont go looking for people on my own.

What I dont understand is, the whole point of talking and getting to know someone to turn it into a relationship, WHATEVER kind it happens to be, you should know the basic info about them.

The thing that made me shake my head was the fact that he didn't even live here in New England...he lives in the south. (im not going to divulge..) and would only tell me limited stuff about himself, and its only if i pretty much begged him to...

Sorry, that just throws up red red flags.

Then when I blocked him, he made up another name to email me, asking why I blocked him...

Buddy, if you gotta ask, you're as thick as my pillows on my new couch.

At what point, in any kind of relationship, do you ask for that simple, basic information?

When I was with all of my other serious relationships, regardless of what kind of relationship it was, I knew that info pretty early on. So whats the big deal?

When do YOU think is a good time to exchange BASIC info about yourself with someone?

Im not talking about deep dark secrets from your past...the kind of things you only talk about once you've established that trust that someones not going to hurt you...but, the simple basic first name/last name/birthday/whats-your-favorite-food/color/thing to drink kind of stuff.

WHat do you think?

Why am I still single???

Thats a question Ive gotten a lot here lately...ALOT.....Frankly, I dont know why. Its not for not trying...Maybe its because Im scared...Scared that they'll do to me what most of the people in my life have done....Bail....Whenever i start getting "close" to someone, and actually start letting myself *like* someone, which is REALLY rare and hard for me to do, and they bail, then I disconnect from people more and more....Scared that once Im in a relationship with them, they'll do to me what my ex did...or, die like my late husband did.


I do try...But i find sometimes that when Im talking to someone and they start saying things that I dont like or whatever, even just the *slightest* thing...I just....disconnect...I push them away intentionally, stop responding...for the reasons I stated...I know its me, because of my fear.


...maybe its because Im picky...I have a pretty good idea of what kind of guy I like...And looking for...and if Im not attracted to them....if I dont feel SOME kind of connection....chemically or energy wise....Then, I dont connect like I feel maybe I should....maybe its because I havent had the right connection with someone....again, distance makes a huge difference.


I do kinda have attachment issues...though not like you'd think...Most people that have attachment issues, its usually the other way around...they get to attached TO easily...its REALLY not easy for me to. Because Ive been hurt SO SO much and bailed on, and dropped...for reasons I know, and for reasons I dont...Ive had friends end their friendships for NO reason...without telling me why...Ive had guys do the same thing...My mother even disappeared and hates me for reasons I cant undersand...So, i dont get attached easily...I CANT.


There've been a few times recently that I *THOUGHT* something was gonna happen with someone...and LET myself like them...let myself trust them...Then they either bail or they turn out to not be a match for me...for one reason or another....


I also cant seem to find anyone who'll make me WANT to attach to them...trust them...bond and connect with them...I do admit that i have come control issues...I cant let go and let someone else IN....I havent met anyone yet, aside from one gentleman last summer, who I was completely ready to move to ARIZONA to be with him....and he disappeared...and BLOCKED me...and refused to answer emails, phone calls or texts...So again, the attachment ability that most people have, I DONT...and I think it makes it hard to trust, bond, connect etc with them...when I want to...Trust also has a lot to do with it...

It doesn't help that a lot of the gentlemen Ive spoken with are long distance...or, in general, the guys here in Rhode Island just plain SUCK....horribly bad...theyre either douchebags, players, drug addicts, live at home with Mommy and Daddy, dont know how to be a gentleman, are married and want a girl on the side, are divorced and have bitter animosity towards whatever the reason may be, whether its their exes or baby mama's, alcoholics, are too young, not my type, or dont know HOW to ACTUALLY "date"...So, until I move to where ever it is that I will end up, I wont date here.....EVER.

And as Ive mentioned in a past journal, long distance things dont work for me because the NEED to feel someones energy and chemistry is really important to me. If i cant feel that, I cant bond with them.

So, I guess thats why Im still single...

My sexual discovery of self love and orgasms during sex

I was watching a program tonight about sex and FSD in women. (Female Sexual Dysfunction) and I listening to the womens stories on there, I got to thinking...how did I come about in my sexual proclivities, fetishes, likes, kinks and the way I've discovered things about myself...??? Where did I learn about orgasms, self loving and sex and every other aspect of the sexual side of myself??

Growing up, my mother didn't teach me shit. I had to learn it ALL on my own by trial and error...While I was watching this program, I thought to myself that I really couldn't be sure if pleasuring yourself is something you learn from someone, or, something you learn on your own. I honestly dont remember HOW I figured out that touching myself down in the girly parts would make me feel good, I just know that it did.

I cant explain how I used to self love myself. Its kind of difficult to describe.
I didn't actually really start touching myself with my fingers until much MUCH later..I would hump pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, you name it. I just knew that itd make my "girly parts" tingle and feel good. I know I was roughly about 10 years old when I did realize that feeling....for self loving.

But, for during SEX, well, its a little more...wonky. I really dont remember when I discovered I can feel good in the same way...Meaning, have the explosive orgasm during sex like I did when I self loved myself.

Did I learn it? Was it naturally ingrained? Did self loving myself for all those years help to teach my brain HOW to achieve orgasms during sex?

I also remember around the same time, perhaps a little later, (11 or 12), when I found my parents' porn "collection"...I remember putting it into the VCR (holy fuck, remember those?? Those big giant machines with clunky tapes...ugh...but I digress), pushing play, sitting on the floor of my livingroom and watching in wonder and fascination at what was going on between the two people on the screen...I think this is around the time I realized that porn stirred something within me, specifically rougher looking sex, because I felt arousal in my "girly parts" like I'd never experienced before.

I didn't realize it at the time, but this was my hormones setting off the "horniness" that I feel today when Im aroused. My body had begun to blossom and I was along for the ride...During this tape, I believe thats when I realized that sex was supposed to be rough and wild and crazy, because the couple in the video I was watching, were going completely nuts.

I remember thinking, in my very young brain, "Does she feel as good as I do when I touch my....*blush* down there girly bits?" (and yes, that was my exact thought at that time...)

I remember looking at the girls body, and looking down at my tits. You have to remember, when I was 11 or 12 yrs old, it was 1986/1987. Back then, the girls in porn had big giant porn boobs. I was shocked and fascinated how big they were, how they moved, how round they were and I became hooked on having big titties when I grew up.

Of course, my mother was rather large chested, so I thought "Fantastic! Im gonna have big boobs like her!!"...WRONG...I got jipped in that department...and that was the beginning to the obsession with wanting big tits.

Flash forward to 7 or 8 short yrs later, to when I was 18 and with my first husband, Michael. I really learned a lot from him in our relationship and marriage. I learned a lot about sex, taboos (like anal...he was the first one to introduce me to it) and how to just be a woman in general. Before him, I had no idea about anything else...with him I had my first orgasms during sex and it exploded inside of me like a firework. In the 6 years he and I were together, I learned a lot of stuff about sex, and about myself and what I liked...and didnt like.

And still, even after him and I split, with Cameron, my late husband, I still learned more, with Dave, my ex even more still...with every other guy (and myself alone) in between, with researching and watching and reading, Ive taught myself a lot in the last 11 yrs since my first husband and I split.

I think it doesn't matter how old you are, if you're gay straight, bi, trans or whatever...Self loving and self discovery about yourself and *YOUR* sexuality is important to you and no one should tell you that something is wrong with you because of XYZ...

LOVE.