unlicensed doing things wrong...

Ya know what burns my ass??? People who didnt go to school/get apprenticed and get licensed for hair/make up/tattooing/piercing and think its ok to charge to do peoples hair/tattoos/make up/piercing......that takes money away from the people who worked their asses off in school/at apprenticeships to GET licensed and do hair and make up/tattoos and piercing the LEGAL way...its just like those scratcher tattoo artists THINKING they know how to tattoo and taking money from REAL tattoo artists....if youre a person who thinks its ok to charge to do things YOU ARENT LICENSED FOR, please stop. it takes money away from those of us who KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING....

And theres a lot of logistical, theoretical and education that goes into cutting, perming, chemically altering someones hair....When youre dealing with chemicals on someones BODY, especially near their face, there are precautions you have to learn about and take...

Schooling, especially in the fields of altering someones appearance, is important...

my posting here is simply venting about how its not right/fair for people who didnt go to school to charge, there by taking money away from people who DID and are doing it the right and LEGAL way....what happens if you dont get your degree or whathaveyou in whatever it is and you fuck up someones shit? and then youre SUED? what then?

its hard out there for those of us that HAVE our licenses...look at me....Im the prime example...I charge bupkiss compared to a lot of people and I STILL dont make/get the job.............It upsets me when people who DONT really know what the hell theyre doing, who didnt go to school and learn sanitation/health and the logistical/theoretical way to do things and then they start charging...

then when I say something a long the lines of it not being right/fair/legally reprehensible, I get dismissed like it doesn't matter....when someone who isn't licensed fucks up and get into MAJOR hot water (fines and legal trouble) then its the Victims fault somehow....Ive seen it happen...When a licensed professional fucks up WE lose our licenses or get suspended....its not something to play around with and it pisses me off when people who ARENT licensed dismiss the law like its no big deal because its honestly isnt fair OR right...thats my opinion.

my whole stand point is that they DONT care and the legal ramifications don't affect them the way it should...not to mention the fact that theyre taking money away from those of us that actually went to school and did what we needed to do so that we're covered...and Im not talking about coloring a friends hair or doing their make up for a prom/wedding...Im talking about people out there that think its alright to charge for doing things they have no idea how to do...what happens if theyre coloring someones hair and something happens?? would they know how to fix it? more then likely not....what if theyre relaxing hair and they burn someone (because that CAN happen) would they know what to do??? Id wager a guess they wouldnt.

So, this is just something that bothers me right down to my core.

My thoughts on Guns

Recently, I was in a discussion about guns and the fact that laws were passed that make it legal to carry concealed. I replied that it will make it even more dangerous to go out into public, especially here in Rhode Island where all the crazies are...If you look at them in a way that they don't like, which is common in the area that I live in, they'll whip it out and BAM, youre dead.

The argument was that "law abiding citizens" know the rules and yada yada.........My argument is.....WHO decides who the law abiding citizens are? What makes them think that said "law abiding citizens" ARE such? Why, because they have no criminal background? No gun charges? Nothing like that? Why, because their credit is squeaky clean?

Im not apologetic for feeling the way that I do about guns and get highly pissed when people try to argue and say that I'm WRONG for my opinion..........I have seen, with my OWN EYES, situations with guns killing people first hand that MAKES ME HAVE these feelings....and then they make excuses about how "guns dont kill people, but people kill people"....OR "oh, well that was an irresponsible gun owner, he shouldnt have done x,y and z".....Sometimes even X,Y and Z can get screwed up and GUNS end up in the wrong hands (i.e. a 2 yr old little boy that shoots himself)...GUN ARE DANGEROUS...................and im fucking TIRED AS HELL of people telling me IM WRONG for the way that I feel about this....

I love how in this particular discussion, someone who doesn't know ME or what Ive been through or SEEN, made the judgement call and said that I should "keep on drinking the kool-aid" of the "Anit-gun morons"...........First of all, I am not a fundamental Christian.....I don't FOLLOW what the "anti-gun morons" do. I am Wiccan. I believe in "'An it harm NONE..." Guns are included in that. I believe that guns are used to HARM PEOPLE. Therefore, it goes against my very nature and beliefs to believe in them. Law abiding or not.

And I resent the fact that the gun toting individuals that are on my page scream at me, rant and rave and flip out for MY beliefs. I don't scream and rant and rave at THEM for carrying, or liking guns...............I respect their opinion and respect their right to bear arms if they want to....Its their RIGHT too...........BUT I DONT HAVE TO FUCKING LIKE IT, nor do I make them feel, or, well, TRY to make them feel bad or wrong for their beliefs like this one particular douche-bag did by saying that I should "keep drinking the kool-aid"...........hey dude, FUCK YOU.

When I was enlisting in the Army, its something that I struggled with everyday that I was going to have to carry one. Would I have? Of course, because I would have been fighting for my country and it was required of me... Would I have liked it? Hell no.... FUCK no even.... I would have hated it and even chose an MOS that I didn't HAVE to carry one for. And, fate decided that I wasn't to be in the Army so I wouldn't have to sacrifice my beliefs or my morals...

My belief is that guns should not exist. Period. And if they have to exist, take every single gun off the street, out of homes and only make it so our armed forces (Police officers included) have them.

How many accidents have happened with "law abiding citizens'" guns?

In the U.S. for 2006, there were 30,896 deaths from firearms, distributed as follows by mode of death:

Suicide 16,883

Homicide 12,791

Accident 642

Legal Intervention 360

Undetermined 220.

This makes firearms injuries one of the top ten causes of death in the U.S. The number of firearms-related injuries in the U.S., both fatal and non-fatal, increased through 1993, declined to 1999, and has remained relatively constant since. However, firearms injuries remain a leading cause of death in the U.S., particularly among youth...

The number of firearms injuries remains high in the United States, compared with most of the rest of the world. Firearm suicide rates are strongly impacted by the rate of gun ownership...(LAW ABIDING OR NOT) There is a positive correlation between homicide rates and availability of guns in developed nations. The number of firearms in the hands of private citizens (again, law abiding or NOT) continues to grow each year at a rate far exceeding that of the population as a whole. It might even be said that Americans live in a "gun culture" based upon traditions and behaviors well-entrenched in our society. This is reflected in our constitution, whose second amendment guarantees that "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." Though the application of this amendment applied to maintenance of a militia, and not private gun ownership, the second amendment has been consistently interpreted to protect private ownership of many types of guns.

Child safety is also an important issue. Firearms injuries are the second leading cause of non-natural death in childhood and adolescence. Accidental shooting deaths are most commonly associated with one or more children playing with a gun they found in the home. The person pulling the trigger is a friend, family member, or the victim. A study of nonnatural deaths in a large American city revealed that half of such deaths in persons from 10 to 19 years of age were due to homicide, and firearms were involved in 88% of them............and yet Guns arent dangerous and yet, Im WRONG for my feelings and my beliefs.

Time flies and my opinion on parenting

I was looking at the girls' baby books the other night, reading what I wrote about their babyhoods...

I checked on them before I went to bed the other night, shortly after reading the books and its amazing to me that in 8 years, Lilia will be 17 and driving, Holli will be 15, and Julia, at this point, will be almost 14...Its scary that Ill be able to leave them at home alone if I need to and wont need to worry about a babysitter...Its a scary thought to me, that as they age, they wont need me like they do now and will be able to do a vast majority of stuff alone and on their own...

I cant even picture them grown. But, Lilia was standing in the kitchen the other day, and I looked at her from a distance, sitting on the couch, and was blown away by the fact that shell be 9 next month...8 more years and shell be 17, able to drive (if i let her!! UGHHHHHHHH!!!! maybe Ill make her wait...) and hopefully be either graduated from H.S. or gettnig ready to...

I love my children SO much it hurts sometimes...I look at them every day and am amazed by their beauty, their smarts and their unbelievable good hearts...I was telling a friend of mine that they have all inherited things and traits from Cameron that make me so proud...

Lilia has the Champion Spirit and heart...She wants to do for everyone...Just like Cameron...Shes great with kids and loves babies and animals...

Holli has his beauty, his happiness, his contentment...She looks SO much like him, its scary...Just in a more feminine way...Shes my goofy gorgeous funny girl...my continuous reminder of what her father was, and that he continues to live on through her, and all of them...

Julia has the more mischievous side of him to her...his sillyness, his tenderness and that "look" in her eyes that he would get when he was "plottin'" something... LOL

I cant IMAGINE my life without them in it...They have saved me on so many occasions I cant even count in my sanity and missing Cameron...There have been so many times that Ive wanted to give up, give in, and do it, just so that I could join him in Summerland because I miss him JUST THAT MUCH...........But one laugh, one victory for them, one HUG from one of them is all it takes to bring me right back to the ground and remember that I HAVE to live....FOR THEM......I cant do that to them, I cant leave them and leave them parent-less...And they save me once again...

I look forward to the days that they learn to drive (*GULP*), go to college and graduate (or whatever they choose to do), meet someone and fall in love...get married...

I look forward to day when they (and their husband *hopefully*) announce they are pregnant...when they tell me they are in labor...and when I hold my grandchild for the first time...

I look forward to seeing them become successful in whatever they do...

I am so lucky to have them and be their Mom...I love them so damn much, it seriously hurts sometimes...

Reading through their Baby Books the other night, and remembering when they were babies, it makes me wonder how I see all OVER the internet (and tv) about how mother hood is "tough"....Now, I'm not saying that its not, but, I have a totally different take on things.....I have been completely blessed with awesome children... and, when they were younger, babies.......ALL of my girls were awesome babies....Holli and Julia slept through the night pretty much from the beginning and Lilia was 2 1/2 months when she started...Julia was a bit fussy but yea, most babies are and thats to be expected...I had a few episodes of projectile vomiting with Lilia and with Julia...but I cleaned it up, cleaned them up and trudged on...Being a mother to me was what Ive always wanted so to have a few bumps in the road was to be completely expected....I never had the sleepless nights.....Well, I *DID* but that was only after Cameron passed away...the sleepness nights werent part of the motherhood thing....

I dont understand how some parents will bithc and complain and whine about "not having any sleep" or spit up stained clothes or smelly diapers....if you didnt want to have to deal with that, WHY HAVE KIDS?!Im sorry if this upsets most of my parent friends but I am frankly tired of seeing it all over the internet that parenting is hard...ITS really NOT that bad.

Im not saying that there werent some *brief* periods of time where they WERE terrors...but, literally, it WAS brief...I didnt freak out, I didnt lose it and start complaining that my kids are horrible, my kids are this, my kids are that....Im a parent. I deal with things beCAUSE Im a parent...I knew that certain things come with the territory of being a parent...

Now that my girls are older, I *RARELY* have a problem with the girls...I can take them anywhere, we can go out to eat and they act like ladies...When I go somewhere and they start meandering off, alls I have to do is snap my fingers, give them a look and theyre back at my side...People cant believe, and will compliment, on how well behaved they are...

I guess its because I have been *SO* in their lives, teaching them...talking to them...I dont talk to them as *kids* per se, unless its something that they need kid terms in, but, Im of the opinion that kids are not stupid and they quite well understand whats going on around them...

And maybe, because they lost their father SO young, its given them a different view on life. I hug them constantly, give them kisses and praise them on a continual basis...I dont talk down to them, cause again, they ARENT stupid and understand...Im very much a Natural attachment parent...I dont withhold affection and if they want attention of some sort, I give it to them willingly and with all the love in my heart.

I guess I also dont want them to have the kind of childhood that I did....fearful, afraid, worried and timid...My mother never gave me the love that I needed so when I had Lilia, I made the decision to give them everything that I could...

Now, Im *NOT* saying that some parents DONT have it hard...there are plenty out there that do. And my heart goes out to those that do....but, Im tired of reading story after story (mainly teen mom and other such shows) that say "being a parent is *sooooooo* HARD!!!"...

Cause in my opinion, its not.

One sided Friendships...

Double crap on a stick.ok, seriously now.....One of my witnesses for Monday just had something come up and I NEED one of my "friends" to help me out here...The one who actually stepped up but then who had to cancel barely knows me and STILL said shed do it (before she had to cancel due to conflicting schedules)...I find it really hard to believe that out of EVERYONE of my friends on my "friends" list in Rhode Island, out of EVERYONE that think s I'm SO awesome, NO ONE is willing to fucking help me.....NO ONE can take a simple couple of hours out of their day to help me??? If someone asked ME to help, I totally would, because ya know, thats the kinda GOOD friend I am...

Yea, dont ask ME for anymore favors because Ill tell ya to go kick rocks....Im done with being on the shitty receiving end of the one-sided-part-time-only-when-YOU-want-something friend.

And people wonder why I want to get out of this fucking state and go home to where my REAL TRUE honest to god friends are.......of all my "friends" on this site that live here, they only reach out to me when THEY want something and cant help when *I* actually need something...I NEVER ask for help. I asked for help for somewhere to bury my poor guinea pig that died yesterday and NOT ONE of you reached out with at least an IM SORRY....we lost a fucking pet and everyone stayed silent....

I cant believe with all the positivity that I spread, with all the motivational crap that I post, all the comments I leave, all the time I take out of my day to reach out to "friends", all the free hair cuts, free make up, free this, free that....All the everything that Ive ever done for someone and ask for NOTHING in return and I get nothing when Ive asked for help..............Im beginning to realize that with the EXCEPTION of a few people, NONE of you are actually "FRIENDS"..............You're acquaintances...If that pisses you off, Im sorry.

Actually, no, Im not. Ive just had it with everyone who claims to be my friend and who thinks that Im this awesome woman and blah blah blah....All's I hear is "ONESIDEDFRIENDSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPP"...

So....from this moment on, I will be KEEPING people that I believe to be ONLY MY TRUE HONEST TO GODDESS FRIENDS...Who have actually done for me, been there for me, as I have for them...

If ya dont like it, you can kiss my ass...


Im fucking done.

What is Wicca?

So, after deliberating on this for a few days, Ive decided to write about it and this is truly what Wicca is TO ME. If you ask 5 different Wiccans, you will more then very likely, get five different answers...That is the true beauty of Wicca. You have the liberty of truly believing what YOU want to believe. Wicca is needlessly scary to a lot people. I’ve been asked on several occasions " Well, isn't Wicca a form of Satanism? Doesn't *that* star you wear, mean Satanism?"... Well, first, the Star....no, it is not satanic in any way... If in fact you look UP the Satanic star, you'll find that its upside down with the bottom of that star being quite a bit longer then that of the star Pagans or Wiccans wear...OUR star has five EQUAL length points...The points of our star represent the five elements: Air, Fire, Water and Earth, plus Aether (or Spirit).... people who say these things are ignorant about what Wicca is or how they can bring magic into their lives. Second, "Wicca" was popularised in the 1950s and early 1960s by a Wiccan High Priest named Gerald Gardner, who at the time called it the "witch cult" and "witchcraft," and its adherents "the Wica". From the 1960s onward, the name of the religion was normalised to Wicca.... For hundreds of years before the Salem Witch Trials, people have been accused of being witches and tortured for their beliefs.......they've been hung, stretched, or tortured in some other forms...Yes, *SOME* have been needlessly burned and for no reason...Even today, witches are being killed in Haiti, being falsely accused of causing the cholera epidemic. Whenever people are afraid, they can fall back on old hatreds. And with Wicca, there is no need to be afraid. It’s always easy to criticize what you don’t understand. Wicca is about love, kindness, and energy. And in all roads in life, there are two paths you can choose. Wicca believes in the path of love and light – not in the path of darkness and hate.Wicca is a very peaceful, harmonious and balanced way of thinking... we don't worship Satan or the devil because we don't believe in it. We believe that the earth is a mother to us all and we should honor and respect her and live a harmonious life. We don't own the earth but we are part of it... We respect life above all. We believe in a Goddess AND a God. Both EQUALLY...neither is above the other. They are in us, around us, above us and below us on the earth, beneath our feet, in the air we breathe and the sun that beats down on us...in the rain and snow, and all the elements around us. They are the grass, the clouds, the dirt and the trees...They are in us, our bodies, we are them... As a rule, you’ll find Wiccans don’t spend much time debating. We’d rather focus on positive energies and magic in our daily lives and not let the negative energy in. We are peaceful folk.We never try to “convert” someone to Wicca. All gentle people are welcome and take what is meaningful to them and leave what is not. We use spells and drawing energies and prayer...yes, prayer. We dance, we sing, we have celebrations of LIFE, of love, of kindness. We tend to be vegans, "tree huggers", people that love the earth and her beauty. We are recyclers, "do gooders" in some ways...Wicca spells are powerful. But if you just trust in yourself and in the pure and innocent power of the Universe, you will be safe. Spells are like tools. We have lots of tools we use, alot like alot of churches and religions...we use holy water, salt, candles and incense, we use music to worship and meditation to ground us...Anything can be a tool...You can use a tool to build a home, bake a loaf of bread, or put together a children’s toy. You can also use these same tools to destroy and uproot. It’s a matter of your personal sense of morality and ethics. Wicca is the path to power. You must make the choice to use it responsibly. Our medicines that we have today are based on the herbs and concoctions that many witches used back in the day to heal and make someone better. Aromatherapy is also another way that witches used to heal. Reiki is another. We use divination and prayer to get answers much like other religions... Like many Catholics venerate Mary, Hindus acknowledge the Divine Shakti, and Jews pray to the Shechina, and Christians worship Jesus Christ, Wicca acknowledges the power and magic of the Goddess and God, some concentrating more on the Goddess and some concentrating on both, still others, the male half, the God. In Wicca, men and women balance different energies. Men and Women are equal in the Wiccan religion, even in Paganism. When you see a coven, there is very often a High Priest and High Priestess, both equally do things in their covens, circles, rituals and groups. I am hoping that anyone not familiar with it, if they have questions, they will research it more instead of instantly just assuming that Wicca is just "a form of Satanism." Again, this is MY Belief...Like I said, if you ask 5 Wiccans a question, you more then likely WILL get 5 different answers.

Alots been going on...

After my email to my husband a couple of months ago and him ignoring it like always...I kicked him out....there were a lot more issues then that email and I just couldn't take it anymore....He invaded my privacy on a consistent basis...We NEVER spoke. Ever. It was like living with a mime...And when we DID speak, it was to fight about shit. Or, him to say something mean, negative, angry, wrong or prejudiced/racist(towards other people)...I couldn't handle it. He did EVERYTHING that the email I wrote to him predicted....in addition to the abuse I endured from him, he tore my heart out of my chest, ripped it apart in his hands into little bitty teeny tiny pieces and threw it on the ground, stomped up and down on it a few thousand times, picked it back up and threw it in the trash. I am damaged, broken, heartbroken and just totally cold walled. The wall has gone up around my heart and its going to take a lot to heal me this time.... The last year has been hell on my psyche, my emotions, my heart and my PTSD...Ive been having a lot more triggers lately due to everything he put me through and I'm having a hard time with it... The only thing that's keeping me sane is my kids and the fact that I got a job for the first time since last year that I had to quit because of the ex...Before THAT was 2001. So, I'm proud of myself at that moment. I seem to really be getting it. And I'm glad that I have the income that's going to be coming in on a regular basis...Its waiting tables at a Mexican Grille and I'm excited because I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Mexican food....as long as its not spicy................but, i had to quit because i realized that my body just couldnt handle waiting tables anymore...i was in SO much pain, i woke up one morning, barely being able to move and feeling SO terrible i couldnt take it... I had to give my dog away because of the job....Had my ex not fucked up and gotten himself tossed out again, and I wouldn't have gotten the job, I would have had time for her and I wouldn't have had to leave her....However, my first night of work, I came home and she had completely ripped through my bathroom door and ripped off one of the moulding panels from around the door....COMPLETELY RIPPED A HOLE THROUGH THE DOOR.....because I left her alone....I couldn't handle that.... She left the next morning. She went to a wonderful family with three little kids and a yard and a husband and all that....They said to keep their number and if I wanted to ever come see her, I could....I was crying really hard when I was saying goodbye to her. I adored and loved her...I refused to take her to the pound so I worked practically all night to find her a HOME....and i did. Overall, things have been good...the girls went to NJ to see the family again over the summer, and I was the homebody that I have turned into............. I find that the older I get, the more I want to stay home and have people come HERE and cook a nice meal or something..........Im SO passed the "going OUT and partying" phase of my life...and I cant believe the amount of money I used to spend doing it... i lost the internet for about 2 weeks (which after that, i will NEVER loose it again....) Still don't have cable but its alright because ill have it eventually and i can watch stuff online if i really want to...I'm just glad to be back online. Dave is still gone, our courtdate for our divorce is October 17th and ive decided to move back in NJ in June...I'm incredibly homesick and I want to go home.

The reason I mistrust people...

So, after a conversation with a friend of mine, it suddenly dawned on me why I have a hard time trusting people...

Going back through my life, I never have ever had anyone that I could fully trust...and every time I *DID* trust someone, they broke it...badly....Starting at a very young age...

With my mother...I trusted her that she wouldn't hurt me, mistreat me, abuse me, neglect me...abandon me....and she did....First trust breaker...

Then, with my first husband.....I trusted him to not break the law time after time after time...And then he got arrested....for talking to an undercover cop who was posing as an under-aged 13 year old girl...he was constantly in and out of jail, always promising he wouldn't get into trouble time after time after time...I would like to say its because I was young and naive but, unfortunately, at that time, I just didnt know any better......SECOND trust breaker...

Then, the guy that I was semi serious with after Michael, my exhusband, beat me up. I trusted him not to physically harm me, not to break my heart, and he did...MAJOR trust breaker right there...someone who loves you isnt supposed to physically harm you...

The guy that I was with after him, I had known since I was 14. We dated long distance for a while, and he ended up cheating on me...hes now married to the girl he cheated on me with...another MAJOR blow to my now developed trust issue bank...

Then, Cameron...my dearly departed late husband...he died.....he promised he would never go anywhere, promised he wouldnt leave...but he did......and while I cant exactly blame HIM for dying, he still left...minor blow to my already grown trust issues...

Now, leading to my current situation...my trust is all but gone in humanity and I just don't know what to do about it...I want to trust people, but it seems like the people that were supposed to be the MOST trust worthy have broken it, broken my heart and everything that I believed about in...

My husband and I broke up again and this time its for real. My heart is broken and my trust is at the point now where its irreparable and I don't like that feeling. I trusted that he wouldn't break my heart again, hurt me again and be worthy of working on my trust. But, unfortunately, going through all that I did, my trust was already slim to none.

I am saddened by the change of events in my life and at this point, I don't know if I can ever get my trust gene back in gear.

Alot is happening...

So, since my last blog a week or so ago, (I Want a dog...) there's been a lot happening....

I got a dog (thank you Universe), I've put in applications and went on a few interviews....The reason for this is because we've decided to move to Virginia....Yes, Virginia, the state that's "for lovers". But, that's not the reason....

The reason is because I am tired of city living. Tired of the crowding, apartments being one on top of the other, pollution, crime (thank you Providence for laying off hundreds of Providence Police Officers), congestion in traffic....And every other reason behind not wanting to live in the city...

Why Virginia you say? Well, because I've wanted to live there for a LONG LOOOONG time. Because me and Cameron talked about moving there the year before he died....because I've been there several times and I fell in love with it...Because its part of the country that I think Id be happy with....

That coupled with the fact that its actually closer to the inlaws then we are here...but don't tell Dave that....he wanted to move to Louisiana to get further AWAY from them....I told him that wasn't an option.

I don't want to move further away from them. They haven't been bugging me barely at all for a long while now. They let us live and then its right around the time of them wanting to see the girls, they contact me........or birthdays they call.

Its not a bad deal...Moving to VA, depending on where we move to, it would be closer. Which is fine...

I just cant wait to get out of Rhode Island....Not that theres anything wrong with this state but I just want to get out of this TEENY state.

I want a dog...

I am looking to adopt a dog. No pits (per my landlord) but any other breed is fine.

I went to the Providence Animal Shelter and the Rhode Island ASPCA but unfortunately, most of the dogs there are considered "pit bulls" (even though the one dog that I fell in love with is an American Staff, the lady there told my landlord he was a pit and he said no when she called to make sure it was ok to have him)....

Anyway, I digress....i REALLY want a dog. But, I do NOT want to buy one at a petstore as they tend to be from puppy mills......not to mention the fact that everyone wants puppies but I want a dog that needs a second chance.

I placed an add/answered like 10 on craigslist and several of the people were asking outrages prices....One guy wanted $500 for his 100% purebred full German Rotty because they got her and she "wasnt working out for showing so he wants to get some of the money back that he invested in her......." THAT broke my heart...

Another girl wanted $1800 for a 4 month old english bull dog puppy.

OUCH.

I just want a dog. REALLY REALLY want a dog.

My neighbors got raided a few months ago (that are attached to me) and now, at night, when Im alone, I get freaked out at every little noise. Sometimes, even when hubby is here at home...Im totally paranoid and really dont like when people knock on my door if I dont know theyre coming.

Im very much a "keep to myself" kind of person and dont like unannounced visits.

I think having a dog would help with my anxiety and paranoia with a lot of things...I also think those things are also why Im such a control freak....

But anyway, I want a dog...And I dont want to buy one, I want to adopt.

What Ive learned from Lisa Nichols's Book "NO MATTER WHAT! 9 Steps to living the life you love"

Develop your "Bounce Back Muscles"

1 - Understanding Muscle -
Search for the gift in each circumstance
Look outside your immediate situation to the bigger picture
Go into your heart to find compassion
Put yourself in the other persons shoes

2 - Faith-In-Myself Muscle -
Turn off the negativ CD playing in your head and turn on the positive side
Treat yourself with REspect and kindness
Borrow fath from others when yours runs low
Surround yourself with your "rocket Booster Community" - People who love, celebrate and encourage you

3 - Take-Action Muscle
Recognize when youre moaning - i.e. "lying on the nail"
Refocus on your original goal
Be open to other, possibly better, ways to reach it
Keep in view your highest dreams and the ways in which you want to be of service while youre on this earth

4 - I-Know-Like-I- KNOW Muscle
Open yourself up to whatever Higher Power you believe in
Invite that Higher Power into your life NOW; dont wait until youre "perfect"
Learn to access a larger source of strength at will through meditation, breathing, or prayer
Feel the constant presence of your Higher Power in your heart through Gratitude

5 - Honesty Muscle
Be willing to take unflinching inventory of what works and what doesnt in your life
Take responsibility for your part in creating your situation
Address the things that dont work with detachment and clarity
Embrace yourself enough to share your truth with others

6 - Say-Yes Muscle
Hear and acknowledge what life is calling you to do
Test the waters by saying yes in small ways
Commit to playing full out
Formulate practical strategies to living your dreams

7 - Determination Muscle
Face the truth of your situation
Pick a target to aim for
Use the power of focus
Stay firmly connecte to your spiritual center and ask the people you love for assistance

8 - Forgiveness Muslce
Pinpint negative feelings revolving around old issues
Reconnect with your self love and begin to forgive youself
Go through Total Truth Process: honestly process the emotions beneath your anger and hurt and OWN all of them
Find compassion to embrace a deeper level of forgiveness

9 - Highest Choice Muscle
Become fully away of the unhealthy behavior you want to change in your life
Identify the nedd you are trying to fill through that behavior
Find the best and healthiest way to satisfy that need
Align your choices with your highest aspirations.

What is the Secret and How can I apply it to my life?

So, today, after speaking to a very good friend of mine last night about it, I sat down to watch The Secret again. I had forgotten how happy it made me feel, the emotions coursing through me as I listened to everything that was said on the DVD...

I went to the website and thought that I would post "The Summary of the Secret" here for all those who down own, have never heard of, or are curious about this phenomanon called "The Secret" which is essentially, the Law of Attraction:


The Secret reveals the single most powerful law in the universe.

Rhonda Byrne's discovery of The Secret began with a glimpse of the truth of life within a 100-year old book. She went back through the centuries, tracing and uncovering The Secret that lay at the core of the most powerful philosophies, teachings and religions in the world.

What Rhonda discovered is now captured in The Secret, a film that has changed millions of people's lives across the planet. No matter who you are, no matter where you are, you can change your life.

This is The Secret to prosperity, health, relationships and happiness. This is The Secret to life.

Money is magnetic energy. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.

To become a powerful money magnet:
Money
Be clear about the amount of money you want to receive. State it and intend it! Don't think about how much you can earn, but how much you want to receive.

Fall in love with money. Most people do not love money, because they always feel that they don't have enough of it.

Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already.

Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as "I can't afford it", "It is too expensive".

Do not speak or think of the lack of money for a single second.

Be grateful for the money you have. Appreciate it as you touch it.

Make lists of all the things you will buy with an abundance of money.

Do whatever it takes for you to feel wealthy.

Affirm to yourself every day that you have an abundance of money, and that it comes to you effortlessly.

Appreciate all the riches around you, including the riches of others. Look for wealth wherever you go, and appreciate it.

Be certain that money is coming to you.

Love yourself and know that you are deserving and worthy of an abundance of money.

Remind yourself everyday that you are a money magnet, and ask yourself often during the day, am I attracting money
now or pushing it away with my thoughts?

Always, always pay yourself first from your wage, then pay your creditors. In that single act, you are telling the Universe that you are worthy and deserving of more.

Repeat over and over every day, "I am a money magnet and money comes to me effortlessly and easily."

Write out a check to yourself for the sum of money you would like to have and carry it in your wallet. Look at it often.

Do whatever it takes to feel good. The emotions of joy and happiness are powerful money magnets. Be happy now!


Love yourself!

Wealth is a mindset. Money is literally attracted to you or repelled from you. It's all about how you think.


You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment. To transform every single relationship you have in your life:
Relationships
Fall in love with YOU!

Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.

Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.

Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.

Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.

Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.

Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.

Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.

Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.

Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that
you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Love and respect yourself completely.

Know that you are perfect right now.


You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.
To open yourself up and become a powerful magnet to wellness and health from wherever you are now:
Health
Love yourself! Deeply, profoundly! Make lists of all the wonderful things about you. Add to it every day.

Free yourself of any past resentments or disappointments you may be holding about you.

Let go of any and all resentments from the past you may be holding of everyone and everything.

See yourself as completely well in your mind and visualize yourself doing things in a complete state of perfect health.

Do not speak of your illness, or disease with others.

Love and appreciate everything and everyone, and especially yourself.

Know you have the power within you to heal yourself.

Never criticize or blame yourself or anyone else for anything.

Be grateful for the wellbeing that is coming to you.

See yourself as only well.

Be happy, knowing that in your state of happiness your body is healing itself.

As you appreciate, as you love, as you are happy, as you are grateful, you are summoning wellbeing and it is pouring
through your body and disease is vanishing in the moment.

Laugh! Hire funny movies or recall any memories that make you laugh. Laugh your way back to health.

Make lists every day of all the things you are grateful for, including being grateful for your healing and complete wellbeing.

You must do whatever you can to remove your attention from disease.

Distract yourself from thoughts of disease, and put all of your focus and attention on doing things that make you feel good.

Make your happiness the number one thing in your life.

Resist nothing, love everything!

Know that there is no such thing as incurable.

As you love completely and feel the joy within you, disease cannot exist.

Know and accept that you are perfect as you are right now.



I plan on living this everyday from here on out...I used to live in on a daily basis but life got in the way and I am not going to allow that to happen ANYMORE.

I cant believe the changes...

A year ago, I had just told Dave that I wanted him to move out...Once he did the beginning of June, I filed for divorce in August, went to court in October and by December he was back, and we were working things out....ALMOST separated again in April, actually driving him down to NJ and dropped him and his belongings off at Jays........................

Heres where it gets weird............When I kicked him out last year, I **HATED** him. I despised and loathed him.............But, he gave me my space that I needed (sorta) and I healed. My heart healed and my mind got over the hurt that he had caused. And I realized, through all of the bull, banishing, spells and blocking that I did to him in every way possible, he was STILL able to get a hold of me...And once my mind got over that, I started to accept talking to him and working on my marriage.

Then, when he came home, he got a job, which hes STILL working at....He's pretty much running the frozen department and hes went from 2 or three days a week, to suddenly 48 HOURS a week hes doing such a good job.....

When we almost split up in April (again), it was mostly because he was working so much and we had virtually NO communication, on top of a few other things, and when we DID have communication, he would say some VERY hurtful things that should NOT have come out of a husbands mouth to his wife.....HOWEVER, that being said, when I dropped him off in NJ, some stuff happened and while I was having a panic attack and mental breakdown, it was HIM that completely took over the situation, handled it FOR me and comforted me..........

I said to him "Now, if you would do THIS at HOME, we wouldnt be IN this situation right now, You wouldnt be HERE with all your stuff..."

And let me tell ya, (and, I wont say this to him because every-time I HAVE said something to him like this, the other shoe has "dropped" so to speak and things start to go down the shitter), I dunno if it was the thought that I didnt HESITATE to kick him out this time and I told him that this was it, no separation and that I was filing the divorce paperwork AS SOON AS I GOT HOME.........The seperation wasnt enough.

I told him this time that I wasnt doing this this time because I didnt love him....Fact is, I loved him (and still do very much) but I was tired of going round and round and round through the same cycle, hitting rewind every 6 months or so and going through it again....I told him he HAD to have consequences to opening his mouth and saying things before he thought them and treating me, his wife, like garbage and taking complete advantage of her. The way he treated me was that he was entitled to live here, that he didnt have to help out...

Well, needless to say, we talked through texting all weekend while he was at our friends house and I was at my in laws resting...And after I left there on that Monday, I went to pick him and all of his things BACK up and we came home...

And he has COMPLETELY turned over a new leaf...Hes been treating me better then he even did when we first started dating, contributing money to the household, taking me and the girls out to eat, buying things for the house...and this is what *truly* showed me hes trying to turn over a new leaf....

Earlier today, we have an argument...I started crying and walked out of the room and went to the bathroom...I wasn't mad, I was *REALLY* upset and disappointed about the topic we had been arguing about...........After a few minutes, he ACTUALLY came after me, knocked on the door...When I opened it, he wrapped me in his arms and GENUINELY said "I'm really sorry." Hes never said "I'm sorry" without urging from me.......shit, in general life.

But he said it....

I cant believe what a year does....and, I dont want to jinx it by saying itll "always" be like this because in my mind, thats not realistic because I know how we are.

We'll always go through cycles, but, I hope, for his sake, that he keeps THIS side of himself UP....

Hes even talking about wanting to seriously go to EMT school so that he can get a better job to support me and the girls...

Could it be? Thats hes actually.............GROWN UP and realized what a MARRIED man (and step father figure sorta person) is supposed to be/do??? :-)

I hope so.

Pissed Off Letter to my Biological Incubator they call "Mother"

Dear Debra,
I’m calling you that because for years, you haven’t acknowledged that I’m your daughter….And from what Ive been told, you only acknowledge Nick as your only child….Of course you do, because hes your little Prince…..….

For years, you have made ME out to be the bad guy but I just want to tell you something. I am NOT the bad guy…YOU are….You were the one to beat the shit out of me for the slightest transgressions while Nick got the royal treatment, even when HALF the shit was HIS fault, I GOT severely beaten...You were the one who belittled me and made me feel like I was the biggest most worthless piece of trash on the planet…You were the one going to work everyday, then coming home, getting slutted up, leaving ME at home to raise YOUR son til all hours of the night so that you could screw guy after guy after guy when I was a young teenager…Ask yourself….what kind of mother can do that to her only daughter and think that its ok??? Let me tell ya….ITS NOT OK….I would NEVER dream of doing to MY kids what you did and continually hid from the entire family... And they now think that Im the worst enemy on the planet…And Im really not…I never had a chance in that family….because of you. Im done holding my tongue and Im done pretending that what you did to me all those years didn’t affect me…..It took Michael 2 YEARS to undo the damage that you did…and much to your dislike, he DID do a lot to help me…

And after ten years of not speaking, I figure, its TIME that I let this out so that I can let it go.

I never did anything to you….I never did anything to deserve the major abuse and neglect and heartbreak of a mother abandoning her child that you put me through…Except be born to an unwed slut of a teenaged mother…I didn’t ask to be born, but you had me anyway… I never made YOU feel like you were a worthless mother…I tried everything that I could to make you proud of me, begged you for your love, you continually acted like I was just your live in babysitter slave that you could beat...Even when someone called DYFS and they came to MY SCHOOL, pulled me out of class to ask me and Nick about abuse allegations and I FUCKING LIED FOR YOU…..I lied for you so that we wouldn’t be taken away….Oh, and just so ya know, I wasn’t the one who called like you tell EVERYONE………..Could it have been the welts and bruises you used to leave on me?? Or could it have been the fact that they neighbors and my friends witnessed it all and saw the brusies???? Or the fact that my guidance counselor told me that if he saw one more welt, bruise, or mark on me, he was going to have to “Intervene”???…They witnessed the fighting, the abuse, the fact that in 95* weather I wore long sleeves and pants…it wasn’t because I was “cold” it was to hide the bruises that YOU INFLICTED ON YOUR TEENAGED CHILD.…So you can keep that shit that I called them to yourself because it’s a bald face LIE and you know it…

For years, I’ve apologized for doing this or doing that and taking the blame for you not wanting to be a part of my life or my beautiful childrens lives....I’m NOT going to anymore….

And what boggles my mind is the fact that for EVERYTHING that I did (or didn’t do because I KNOW the lies you’ve spread about me…People have filled me in on all the horrid things you’ve said about me that aren’t true, oh yes, I have "spies" that are on MY side now, NOT YOURS...), Nick did FAR WORSE things and yet, he STILL got treated, and still does get treated, like royalty in your eyes…

What about when I was in the hospital, trying to SAVE my child from being born to early, and Nick TRASHED your house while you went to Disney World and you called ME freaking out on ME because I wasn’t there to watch him??? Im sorry but last time I checked, he was YOUR kid, not MINE….So WHY is it MY problem???? What about all the sneaking out he did? What about all the UNDERAGED drinking he did??? What about all the shit he did and didn’t get caught for???

Guess what mother….even with ALL the shit you THINK I did…I NEVER trashed your house, I NEVER drank underage, I NEVER snuck out…I didn’t have my first alcoholic drink until I was 21 years old....and I NEVER did drugs...

I don’t apologize for leaving school for Michael….I don’t apologize for giving Samantha and Patrick to Sandra and Billy...I did what I HAD to do to survive…and give MY children the life that they deserved…You never reached out to help me…Except for when I was evicted when Michael went to jail when I was pregnant with Patrick…and even then, instead of helping me, alls you did wad make me feel like I was the most worthless mother on the planet…consistently threatening to call Dyfs on ME….Are you kidding me?? That’s the worst thing any mother could do to her child…Oh and By the way…..DYFS was called right after I lost Cameron….You know what they told me? I was the BEST MOTHER THEYD EVER SEEN AND THAT I WAS DOING A FANTASTIC JOB RAISING MY GIRLS….and that I wouldn’t be hearing from them again….So put that in you pipe and smoke it….

I adore my children….Even Samantha and Patrick…..Did you know that since going to Texas, they have BOTH become honor roll students?? Samantha plays the clarinet and is in the school band….Patrick is in football and baseball…..But you wouldn’t know these things because you denied my friend request….

Don’t you think its been long enough to hold these grudges??? You need to get over yourself and come clean about who YOU truly are, instead of everyone ELSE being the victim. Think about who you are as a person…..
You mistreated, abused, neglected and emotionally destroyed (or TRIED to…cause guess what? I’m the strongest most intelligent Bitch you’ll EVER want to meet) the ONLY daughter you’ll EVER have…..Then you HIDE it from everyone in the family….And acted like I was the WORST child on the planet…

Why don’t you ask Leslie and Frank?? Or how about Jeanette who had to PULL YOU OFF ME from strangling me when we lived in West Collingswood????? They all witnessed it…How do you know it wasn’t one of THEM who called DYFS on you??????

And then you send me off to some boarding school for girls....And while Im not complaining about that because I met some AWESOME friends there, I want to ask you a question....What was I doing that warranted being sent away??? Flunking out of school?? Yeah, because I had to help raise YOUR son while you worked and went out to party and screw everything with a dick…Having sex?? Yea because 14 is a big deal to be having sex when now a days 8 yrs old are doing worse...…That should have been the LEAST of your worries…I didn’t smoke, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink underage…So I had sex and got pregnant….Big deal….I seemed to remember someone ELSE who got pregnant at 14…..Had an IUD put in and got pregnant AGAIN….HELLOOOOOOOO……..Sound familiar MOTHER?!?!!??! I was MEANT TO BE HERE……You didnt "send me away to get my life back on track..." you sent me away because You didnt WANT me anymore...You told me yourself...I was "to much to handle for you"...really?! WHAT was I doing, ASIDE from NORMAL teenager stuff, that you "couldnt handle"????And then you wonder why when I finally got some independence and branched out on my own, I took off….Sure, it might not have been the BEST way to do it, but I was 18 and tired of EVERYONE trying to tell me how to live my life…

Or how about the fact that you STEAL Jeanette’s husband from her? That in and of itself has to be about the LOWEST thing you could ever do to someone….Stealing your BEST FRIENDS MAN?!?! Really Mother? That’s low.

Then, you act like THEY were the ones who were at fault, THEY were the ones to blame…And I was this horrible person….Guess what mother? EVERYONE that I tell about this tell me that YOU are the one who is messed up in the head. YOU are the one that because of all the shit YOU went through as a kid, decided you had to screw up (or try to) your only child…You strut around thinking your shit don’t stink, not knowing ANYTHING about your grandkids that you refuse to get to know for fear that Ill “take them away from you like I took Samantha and Patrick…” Guess what??? I didn’t take them away…That’s a delusion in your OWN mind…..I still talk to them. I still get pictures and communicate…I did what I needed to do for MY children so that they could have a better life…And guess what? They do. But you didn’t and DON’T see that….

You talked about a bond that you had with Samantha…But you hated Patrick because he looked like Michael…That’s a TERRIBLE thing to say about your grandchild…ALL of my children are BEAUTIFULLY STUNNING….Samantha looks just like me…and, what about your other three granddaughters????

Lilia - my beautiful Chick...The Mother henn of the three...The one who is only in 2nd grade and already reads at a 5th grade level??

Holli - My little tomboy...My goofball who makes me laugh and who gives me a thousand hugs a day and tells me she loves me constantly and tells me that im the "best mommy in the world"...

And My Julia - My babydoll..The one who I know is a free spirit just like Me...The one who is going to be a "rawk and roe stah..." (her words, not mine)

But don’t worry Mother…They know what you did to me and they NEVER want to meet you. They don’t know the intricate details….Just that you were a terrible mother and you were very very very mean to me....They are HIGHLY protective of their Mama, as I am of them and I would never want to subject them to the hell that you put me through….I adore my children and would give me life and very nearly did having Julia…But you wouldn’t care about that because to you Im just some woman on the street….

I feel like a grown up!!! (FINALLY!!!)

As I sit here remembering yesterday, after just getting back from running to the post office, I am still in shock, staring at the brand new 2010 Ford Focus that is sitting in my spot in the parking lot. I still cant believe its mine, and that I was approved for a loan and drove off the lot 2 hours after getting there yesterday in a brand SPANKING new (to me its new, its preowned with only 19,000 miles on it) car.

Today, I FEEL my age....And its not a bad thing. Until recently, I didnt feel like an "adult" truly because when I bought my truck, I walked into the dealership and handed them a check for $24,419.97. No loans, no fuss no muss...When I got notice that I was approved yesterday, and I walked into the dealership with kids and husband in tow, I was (mildly) thinking that it was a farce, not true and that it wouldnt be legit...

I was wrong.

And I couldn't be happier....The fact that having this car, paying it every month, and paying it off will INCREDIBLY be fantastic for my credit, is going to be amazing...I finally FEEL like a grown up....I honestly dont know why its taken me this long to....had I gotten this loan YEARS ago, I more then likely would have let it get repossessed, more then likely wouldn't have cared............But now that Ive gone through the stuff that I have, and lost my truck for three months due to technical break down and needing to get repaired, Ive realized how important it is to have a reliable car and how important paying bills are.

When I was with my ex-husband Michael, he took care of the bills and he had a car repossessed shortly after we got together. At the time, it didn't dawn on me that it would affect his credit. I also had no idea that the many credit cards that he had me get in my name would damage my credit so bad when he didn't pay them that Id be in a financial area of my life that prohibited me from getting loans for things like plastic surgery, a house and even a car.

Here I am, 34 years old and I have always felt like I was "playing house" and that at any moment, my mother was going to walk in, tell me how worthless I was and take over the house hold as she always did.

I can honestly say that after yesterday, I now feel like I AM the woman of the house and feel grown up.

Even after being divorced, widowed, married again, moving 300 miles from my friends and family, going to school and all the stuff that Ive been through hasnt made me feel like one...........getting approved for the loan and driving off the lot with a BRAND NEW (i.e. 2010) car did...

Isnt that funny?

I cant take it anymore...

So, Ive been going through a few things here lately that has had me in an up and down roller coaster ride....My close friends on here know whats going on but I thought I would write about it because sometimes writing really helps me...

I have told my husband that I want a divorce.....this time though, unlike last time, there will be no separation, no "working it out", no "talking"....this is it. Last time, I told him we needed to separate for a while................and while he was gone, I filed for divorce, and went to court..............we reconciled before it was final...HUGE mistake...............................I should have let the divorce go through. I should have let it become finalized so that when he started pulling this stuff again, I could boot him and I didn't have to worry about paying for filing and dealing with this crap again...But I do...

In 2007, I called off our engagement but stayed with him because I was blind, stupid and in a not so good predicament...In 2008, I'd finally had enough and threw him out...

He came back two weeks later...In January of 2009...we got married that March...Last year, on the morning of our one year wedding anniversary, we were goofing around and I dont know what I did but he raised his hand to me............he didnt hit me because I looked him straight dead in the eye and challenged him.............He put it down and that was that...however, I couldn't trust him after that..............I told him two months later that he needed to leave.........and he did...a couple of weeks later...

In August, two months after he left, I filed for divorce. He called me pissed off...We fought.................................

Flash forward to December after having a few heartbreaking things happen to me over the summer.....

We started talking again...I felt like, in my own mind, that I deserved what I got with what happened to me over the summer...I felt like he was the only thing that I was good enough for...

So, I let him come back..............again..............but this time, instead of just the stuff he did before, hes now verbally abusive...saying things to me that I cant even believe he did....Hes made me second guess myself, my self worth go down the drain...I compromised who I was for him so that I could make this marriage work...my heart hurts and I'm literally scared that if I don't get rid of him RIGHT NOW, Ill be an angry bitter mean person like he is...He made a comment SO belittling about me in front of a mutual friend of ours three weeks ago that I cant even think about sex....I haven't masturbated at all even because of this ONE comment he made....I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I cant even allow myself to be naked around him...

And even though he apologized to me, I felt like it was forced because I had been, as HE would say "bitching at him" to apologize....and this particular comment he made wasnt the only thing he said...

He broke me............

I dont know if that was his intention but I literally feel like I did when I was little and my mother was hurling abusive insults at me on a consistent basis...No person should do to someone they (supposedly) love and care about what hes done to me...

Not to mention, hes lazy, unmotivated, and until two weeks ago when I threw a fit about this, he wasnt financially contributing to the household...Hes always threatening to quit his job, always complaining about work and not treating me with the respect and appreciation I deserve..............Oh, and I have suspicions that hes cheating on me...

I wrote him an email (since hes always either working, or sleeping because he works overnight) telling him I want him to leave...

Im taking back my power.

I'm done.

25 random things about me

25 random things about me

1)I can sing.............no, I mean, REALLY sing
2) i secretly like to turn on my itunes (or my ipod) and dance around my livingroom acting like Im a rockstar on stage
3)Im a control freak
4) I LOVE the quiet
5) Im addicted to SIMS. I LOVE it. and Im NOT a gamer
6) I have to color my hair every 3 weeks because my hair grows SO fast that in that time, i have an inch of regrowth
7) I LOVE sushi............no, I mean, I LOVE sushi...could eat it everyday if I was able.
8) I have severe trust issues but once I DO trust you, you better not do anything to LOSE that trust.
9) I have been REALLY hurt by alot of various people that have come and gone in my life and it cause me to have.......*issues*
10) I only drink two cups of coffee in the morning.......anymore then that and my stomach starts to really hurt.
11)Speaking of the previous...withOUT those two cups, Im a zombie and my brain literally doesnt function properly...my tongue has been known to get tongue tied and I drop things until I get it...
12)Im the BIGGEST clutz on the planet and Im forever hurting myself by accident
13) (if you dont already know this one, ya dont really know me) I AM ADDICTED TO MAKE UP....I would spend my entire fortune a month to buy it...
14) In the same token, I would also spend a fortune on Tattoos if i could and had no other responsibilities..............I have SO many tattoo ideas in my head that I wanna get but not the money to FUND it......(i really need this job I just "interviewed" for)
15) When I paint, I cant paint when Im happy or in a good mood...all of my painting I do is crap when IM happy..........all of the stuff that I paint is done when Im angry or in a shitty mood and it comes out fantastic....Painting releases those emotions...
16) I hate getting my nails done but I do it cause my natural nails are hideous.
17)I dont watch alot of television with the exception of a couple of shows...I could go all day without it on if i had to and not be bothered by it.
18) i HATE being outside but I LOVE camping (figure THAT one out)
19) Im a breakfast food snob....I wont eat sausage gravy but LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE cream chipped beef...I like what I like and thats all that I like.
20) im really predictable if you know me well.
21)I am 100% happy with who Ive become in this life. I have been through hell and back and can safely say that I have very little mental/emotional problems because of them.
22) I am REALLY set in my ways.
23) My faith in Wicca and the Goddess moves me to become a better person.
24) I hate open cabinets and drawers...........it drives me completely BONKERS....I also hate when my vaccumm cord is wrapped around the little prongs the way that its "supposed" to be done...I like it all wild and just hand wrapped and hung....
25) it took me a LONG ass time to fill this out.

If I could do it all over again....

My pregnancies and birth I'm talking about, I totally would...If I had known back then what I know now, I totally would have done things differently.

And while I *DID* do things with my last three somewhat how I wanted, I didn't know that you could do certain positions (and you SHOULD) to bring the baby easier...I didn't know the many many options that I had...While I did have no pain meds with the girls, I wanted a water birth, a home birth and didn't want to be flat on my back having them. I used a midwife for all three of the last births but I really didn't want to be strapped to a bed. I wanted to walk...walking helped me with Lilia and she basically just slid right out. I was sitting upright the way most women who have delivered babies for centuries did and had no problems...

With my first child, who is now 15, i was laying flat in a delivery room, with my legs up in stir-ups, gowns and masks on everyone, looking like a surgical environment...and while I understand that, as she was 9 weeks early, I wish that I would have voiced my opinion a little more but they had me SO drugged up on pain meds that I barely remember her birth which is sad.

With my son, who is 11, I did walk. I decided that I didn't want a repeat of Samantha's birth and only asked for an epidural at the latest possible moment (I was around 8 CMS I think)...I had complications with my back for weeks afterwards and found it hard to push him out...I decided then and there that if I did decide to have more children in the future, I wasn't having any drugs because both of the experiences I had were bad thus far...

Fast forward to three years later, 2002, when I was having Lilia....I went with a Midwife, whom I adored...I was walking, being monitored with a hand held heartbeat monitor to check on her status, only having to come lay down for internal checks ten minutes out of every hour, to make sure I was progressing, even though my water had broken, un-medicated, alert and sat upright and her birth was beautiful. Fast and uncomplicated...Very little pain and I cut her cord...She was 5 weeks early and small (5lbs 12 ounces) but healthy....She was the first un-medicated birth I had accomplished...

With Holli, I had to be induced somewhat as every time I would go into labor, it would stall as soon as I got to the hospital. I had actually wanted a home birth with her but Cameron, their father, didn't want that. So, away we went to the hospital when my Midwife told us to come to the office to check me out...I had gone to the hospital every time I thought I was in labor (I would stall EVERY time.) and she wanted to make sure...When she checked me, she said "yup, I see the bleeding youre talking about and youre 4CMS now...go to the hospital, we'll give you pitocin and get it going..."

As soon as I got to the hospital, they strapped me down with those god awful baby heart beat and contraction monitors and I was massively uncomfortable. They told me it was because of the pitocin they had to keep me monitored but now, thinking back, I believe that I actually had had Pitocin with Lilia too and they didnt seem to think that it was necessary to keep me strapped down then...

Anyway, her birth was painful, and uncomfortable but I did that unmedicated as well...Cameron was awesome and helped the midwife deliver her, and he cut her cord....

Julias birth was a bit more complicated...I was 37 weeks 6 days when I went into labor with her, 38 when I delivered...The night before she was born, I had called all of my coaches (Cameron had died 2 months one week before she was born) and told them that I thought it was it...I was having contractions every 5 to 7 minutes and they were somewhat painful...

The hospital checked me and said that I was 4-5 CMS but I wasnt progressing...They asked me if I wanted to go home or stay and see what my doctor said in the morning (these were resident docs and would only call MY doc/midwife if I was in true labor)...I told them I wasnt leaving, that I KNEW that I was in labor and that I wanted to see my doc...When he came in @ 9:00 am in the morning and checked me, he was outraged at the nurses as they hadnt given me an iv of saline solution or anything...I was 5 cms and couldnt believe he hadnt (or my midwife) been called.

He looked at the nurse, told her to hook me up to an iv to give me pitocin, looked down at me (apologetically) and said that we were going to have a baby that morning...Julia was born at 11:09...two hours after I was hooked up and given an IV.

I wish to the goddess that I had been more open with voicing my wants/needs and I *almost* wish that I could get pregnant again so that I *COULD* have the birth of my "dreams"...

But, alas, that will never happen...Guess Ill have to live vicariously through all my pregnant (or soon to be pregnant) friends...

You know what irritates the crap out of me?

People that were and used to blog about their careers, make up, other stuff and then they have a baby and its SUDDENLY all about the baby. I follow this one specific person who I adore as a make up artist and fashion loving chick...Very recently shes had a baby (5 weeks ago) and EVERY SINGLE DAY shes blogging about her, and updates every week(i.e., im 3/4/5/ weeks old today!!) I mean really, I adore my children. And I celebrate when they have milestones. But truly, its irritating and sickening that shes like this...

This isn't her first baby either. Its her 4th. HER FOURTH. I understand that every child is a blessing, but, honestly, before when she would write blogs, I would hurry to read them because they'd be about fashion and make up and the industry...now, its very rarely about that...NOW, its ALL about her new baby and her other kids...And i could see it happening when she was pregnant...Don't get me wrong, I still adore her, but honestly, its sickening how she is updating EVERY day/week...yes, there are people that want to know, yes babies are a blessing, but honestly I feel that people that take pics every five seconds of their kids and exclaim over EVERY little thing (i.e. OOOh, look, they're making spit bubbles, isn't that cute? Awww, now look, shes/hes turning his/her head...awww how cute how cute how cute how cute........) BLECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

DO we REALLY need to know EVERY single detail about this? The only place I have pictures of my girls is on my facebook which is SO private that you cant even find me unless I give you the direct link and I know you PERSONALLY. I honestly cant understand people that splash their kids all over the internet!!! Don't they know what could happen? Don't they know that there are perverts out there? ESPECIALLY someone like her, who is and was in the spotlight on a daily basis. Shes a very known and popular guru and make up artist in L.A. California. She doesn't need to be splashing her baby's picture all over the place...

Shes mentioned that the father of her other kids has made it explicitly clear that HIS kids (not the same father as the baby) are NOT to be shown on the internet....for the exact reason that I mentioned....Her older boy is 14 and she shows him more often then not here lately, but she just blogged about the fact that she had to edit out a video because his EAR was in it and he didnt want to be shown...Smart kid.

I cant stand people that feel the need to ooh and ahh and coo and update people every 5 seconds of what their kids are doing, or what THEY are doing...

An ex friend of mine would update her facebook and myspace status EVERY 5 MINUTES. Im not kidding. Like people actually CARED what she was doing EVERY 5 minutes. And it was always puke inducing wretching updates..."Relaxing with my baby then who knows..." Five minutes later "cooking for my hunny, then we (insert whatever here)"........OR "kids are (insert whatever they're doing in THIS five minutes here)"...then 5 minutes later the cycle starts all over again...............its puke inducing. AND highly irritating. NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING EVERY FIVE FRIGGIN MINUTES.

And when we were friends, I told her this, on many occasions, people often agreeing with me on her posts that it was ridiculous that shed be updating every 5 minutes....and shed keep doing it....Of course, this is also the same girl that lived with us for 7 months with her wretched bratty horribly behaved uncontrollable spawns of Satan (and I don't believe in Satan so thats saying something)...then she moved out in the end of February last year and promptly started sleeping with her husband's (yes, i said HUSBAND because they weren't divorced yet...she hadnt even STARTED divorce preceedings against him yet) 1/2 brother whom she is now engaged too.

People are laughing at her, calling her white trash, trailer trash, redneck and any other thing you could think of to call someone who does this. Me and my friends have a nickname for her.......a few actually.........PPT, Psycho Babble, Slut of West Virginia, Drama llama (because she ALWAYS ALWAYS AAAAAALLLLWWAAAAYYYSSS has *some* sort of drama going on, hence why I stopped being friends with her, on top of the CONTINUOUS mistakes she keeps making over and over and over again and not listening to SOUND advice from friends), Creator of BUDS (Baby Uncle Daddy Syndrome...see above story about screwing her childs fathers brother and youll get it), and all kinds of others...

She HONESTLY thinks that what shes doing is "just fine" and that everyone around her thinks is just fabulous...yeah, ok, riiiiiiiiight...thats why the grandmother, mother and stepfather of her now exhusband and his half brother (whos now her fiance) kicked her, HIM and her 3 brats out onto the street right? And shes now living (at last check) with her EX husband, his girlfriend and their kid.

Yeah, her life is "SO wonderful" and people dont have a problem with it??? MMMhmmmm...spare me.

So, thats just a little of what irritates me.

Burlesque On Demand March 1st!!!!!!!!

And I am so excited about it because I wanted to see it in the theatres but never got a chance to. The make up in that movie is stunning and Ive listened to a lot of the music on itunes and really want to buy it...I have an affinity and adoration for soundtracks from things that I love...i have the soundtracks for "tick...tick...BOOM!", "Rent" "Sex and The City" movie number one (have yet to get it for the second movie), a couple of songs from "Queen of the Damned" (cause, of course, David Draiman sang them....YUM), and a few others...

I know there is an issue between my favorite artist and singer of all time P!NK and Christina Augilera but frankly, I cant help but love them both..and I honestly cant wait to see this movie...I drool over well done make up in movies, watching and trying to figure out in my minds eye how they did *that* blending, what they used, if they used airbrush, if they used MAC, what kind of brushes they used...I live and breathe make up...Ive always loved it and Ive recently found out that I *might* be coming into a bit of money so if I do, I will be able to buy the rest of what I need for my business and I will be a VERY happy girl.

I went to a Tarot reader in October who said that my business would take off in about 6 or 7 months...which is April or May...I did a tarot reading myself the other day who said within 6-7 weeks (it was a very in depth timeline kind of layout for them) it would take off as well...and when is 6 or 7 weeks from now?? The middle of April.

So hopefully between the Tarot reader and my tarot readings I did myself, it will coe true........wait, no, let me rephrase that....it WILL come true. My truck will be fixed in March and I will be able to go out and do make up, hair, get my business really rolling and make the money that I know I can/will make.

Ive said this before that my dream is to be able to survive comfortably on the make up that I do and the clients that I will be getting. My dream is to get into TV and Film make up, doing fashion shows and the like. I don't want to work in a salon,I want to go to different places, see different things, experience different things...

I cant wait for this to take off!!

I adore my children but sometimes...

...............They infuriate me...They had arts and crafts paints that I had to throw away because they kept destroying their clothes...there is something wrong with their cable box in their playroom so they havent been able to watch tv. They took out other arts and crafts paints that I had hidden in the trunk that was under their tv...one of them moved the television off the top of it (probably Lilia because shes freakishly strong for an 8 yr old) so now MORE clothes of theirs are destroyed because they werent washable......they were playing with a glue gun and my youngest decided to stick a pencil in the glue compartment so I had to throw away a perfectly good glue gun (that dave has now fixed thank goodness)...now granted, i can buy another one for a couple of $ at Walmart but its infuriating. They have no regard for the things that we have....theyve drawn all over their walls, trash their playroom til it looks like a BOMB exploded and you cant walk across the floor without stepping on SOMETHING....me or dave will sweep and within 20 minutes, the kitchen floor will have trash and debris all over it as if we havent cleaned in a month....they drop water all over the floor without cleaning it up and even time after time after time of me yelling at them, punishing them and putting them in their rooms, they just DONT seem to learn and its making me crazy...

I get that they are creative like me and they are always drawing and writing me little "love notes" and I adore that...but the process in which they do it, they destroy their clothes and anything around them while theyre doing it...When people ask me what they can buy them, i tell them NOT CLOTHES, because they dont seem to get the concept of keeping their clothes NICE...no matter what I tell them about play clothes versus nice NOT play clothes, they NEVER listen...I already only still have one dreser in my room...and short of putting ALL of their clothes in my room with all of my clothes that I cant put away and putting a deadbolt on my door so they cant get in (when im not in there), I dont know what to do...i already have to do that with the livingroom door because they have gotten into and done so much stuff in there its ridiculous...They destroyed the ONLY vocal thing that I had left of Cameron, they ate stuff of daves that he bought specifically for HIMSELF (which he doesnt do often so when he does do it, they dont seem to understand the concept of DONT TOUCH STUFF THAT ISNT YOURS...) we have told them and told them and TOLD them, screamed at them, punished them, and they just seem to think they are entitled to whatever it is that they want and I dont WANT my children to do that.....I just dont know what to do anymore...

I have no problem with the fact they are creative.... but seriously, I walked into the bathroom yesterday to change back into clothes that I had on prior to my neighbor giving me a few dresses to try on and there were little paint splattered hand prints all over the shirt that I had been wearing that my youngest decided to wipe her hands on instead of using the towel that was in there 2 INCHES away from my shirt. I am so fed up and I really just dont know what to do.

I thought they were old enough to know better, to not destroy everything they touch. I thought I was out of the phase that I have to watch them EVERY two seconds...This is what happens when they cant watch tv...Over the last few days since they havent had tv, they've been punished more times then i can count because theyre rambunctious, loud, misbehaved and out of control.

They are 8, almost 7 and 5. I woke up this morning to smelling gas...i went over to the stove and someone had messed with the knobs...so now, its freezing in here because I have four windows open dissipating the smell...I had to wake Dave early because I couldnt get the smell out so he turned off the gas from the line into the stove.

Really?! I mean, whats it going to take????????? Im so frustrated and I dont know what to do about their behaviors.

THIS IS HOW WE STOP THEM!!!!!

Dear April,


You are amazing. Ever since the House of Representatives voted to bar Planned Parenthood from all federal funding, we have seen a massive outpouring of support. I've always known how deeply you and other supporters care about Planned Parenthood and the women, men, and teens who rely on us — but I've neverseen anything like this.

Here are five ways you can help, right now:



If you haven't already, sign our open letter to the members of Congress who voted to bar Planned Parenthood from federal funding — and to the senators who still have a chance to stop it. Half a million people have already signed. Add your name.

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&pw_id=3007&s_src=istandwppfeb2011things5ppol


Take a stand for Planned Parenthood and the women, men, and teens who rely on us in your community. Click here to find out about local events near you.

http://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/get-involved/local-events-1039.htm


Make a gift to Planned Parenthood Federation of America. The work that lies ahead of us as the bill moves to the Senate for consideration is nothing short of astonishing. We need your help to rise to this incredible challenge

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/Donation2?idb=0&df_id=3046&3046.donation=form1&autologin=true&pw_id=3008&s_src=istandwppfeb2011things5ppol


Find out how your representative voted on the bill to bar Planned Parenthood from federal funding — and then let him or her know how you feel.

http://www.ppaction.org/site/VoteCenter?page=voteInfo&voteId=11567&scid=1028&pw_id=2964&s_src=istandwppfeb2011things5ppol


Share your story. Extreme anti-choice groups and their allies in Congress are spreading lies and misinformation about who we are and what we do. Help set the record straight by sharing your story about how Planned Parenthood has been there for you, your family, or your friends.

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_WS_Stand_with_PP&pw_id=3007&s_src=istandwppfeb2011things5ppol


I can't tell you what an enormous difference your unwavering dedication makes right now for Planned Parenthood and the women, men, and teens who rely on us.

Supporters like you truly are the heart and soul of this organization. Thank you for standing with us.

Sincerely,


Cecile Richards, President
Planned Parenthood Federation of America

I STAND WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD!!!

House of Representatives cancelled ALL funds to health clinics like Planned Parenthood.Planned Parenthoods and local health centers like them provide birth control, Pap tests, and prenatal care to millions of low-income people every year. And Congress wants to stop funding these clinics!
It's up to the Senate to say "no." Please send a quick email and make sure the Senate does not compromise women's health.

CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO SEND THIS EMAIL!!!

http://bit.ly/eERZqH


Please please, everyone, even if youre against abortion, this is about so much more then just abortions....this is cutting funding to men, women and teenagers for HIV testing, Cancer screening, birth control and the like. Planned Parenthood and other organizations like them NEED our support because if they take federal funding away from these places, there are going to be thousands of people that cant get the help they need...if they cant pay for birth control, theyll get pregnant and if they cant terminate the pregnancy, theyll be forced to have the baby, thusly ending up either abusing it because they didnt want it, or end up on the welfare system draining our society even more...Not to mention the fact of HIV testing...would you want to risk your life because you dont know if someone has HIV because they arent able to afford to get testing??? Condoms arent always 100% and they CAN break...do you want to risk it??? Think about it that way....if you were in a position to not be able to afford the birth control that you were on, and went to PLanned Parenthood FOR the lowcost birth control they gave you BECAUSE of the federal Funding they got, and you suddenly had to pay for it yourself, where would that leave you? Where would it leave every OTHER woman out there that needs that?

And men, for those of you that need condoms, and planned parenthood gives them out for free...what happens if they cut the federal funding that SUPPLIED those free condoms....youd have to go without them if you couldnt afford to pay for them...thusly, either ending up with HIV (which, you wont be able to get TESTED for because they took funding away for THAT too) or ending up with an unwanted child.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASSSSSSSSSSEEEE SUPPORT PLANNED PARENTHOOD!!!!!!!!!!

IM NOT AFRAID.

So, after some thought, observation and other things, I have noticed that all of the supoort and belief in people and all that that Ive given of myself, people cant seem to reciprocate. I am seriously fucking tired of being walked on, taken advantage of and the like....so, from now on, NO MORE FREE ANYTHING.....no more free hair, no more free make up, no more of my "free" time....If IM not getting anything out of something, I wont do it. I dont go out anymore to get drunk, its stupid. When I give freely, i get nothing in return. So, Im done doing that. At the urgency of a very good friend of mine (thank you Nikki), i will NO LONGER BE OFFERING MY SERVICES FOR FREE. I will no longer give of anything of myself for free....because after all that ive done, I honestly feel like I have been completely taken advantage of. This is my business. It will be what eventually support my family and myself because I dont want to struggle on what I do get a month....I have alot to offer this world and I honestly feel like I am not getting full advantages to it.

Some people may not like this but I dont give a shit anymore. I am tired of being the kind sweet generous person, to afraid to say No because it might "get me exposure." fuck that. Ive done enough shit to "get me exposure" and it hasnt. Im tired of sitting around waiting for shit to come to me..........From now on, I guess if i MUST be cut throat, I will be. Im tired of not feeling like I exist in this world. Im tired of "being ignored" and being made to feel like I am worthless and have nothing to offer, and the stuff that i DO have to offer, I get asked to do shit for free.

Im done....If you dont like it, Get Bent and delete me. Im done being taken advantage of. Its time for the Bad Ass Bitch to come back again because SHE got more accomplished in this life then the "nice" me did and has....

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Intro)

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

(Verse 1)

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Verse 2)
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Bridge)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

(Verse 3)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

These are the things that I want in 2011

I was talking to a friend of mine a few weeks ago (actually, its been almost a month since this conversation, holy crap!) and he was talking about a singer whos blog he was reading. He was telling me that every year, she writes a list of things she wants to have happen during that specific year. He told me he just did the same thing and only had 7 things and already, 15 days into the year (we spoke around the 14th of January)and 5 of his things had already come true...So, that got me to thinking...I finally wrote one and this is what I have on MY list.


#1 I would like a washer and dryer so that I do not have to go to the blasted horrible laundry mat anymore. as of last weekend, 5/5/2012, i FINALLY got the washer and dryer!!!

#2 I would like to finish all the tattoos that I started and get the ones that I want.

#3 I would like to get all new pots and pans for my kitchen as most, if not all, are rusted, falling apart or just plain beat up to the point of being really hard to clean.

#4 I would like to finish transferring all of my make up for my business into MAC Palettes and get new brushes for the business so that I can stop using my personal brushes. ---(As of 2-28-11, ive gotten 4 palettes from another company that I will be buying from from now on...theyre products are awesome and their prices fantastic!! Ill still, of course, buy from MAC but now I dont have to stress!!! WOOHOOO!!!)

#5 I would like to put getting breast implants into motion to enhance my figure and fix the issues that I have.

#7 Be able to have food in my house at all times instead of just the normal "blizzard food" milk, bread, eggs, cereal, yada yada...I want my cupboards so stocked full of food that I have no room to put anymore, on a consistent basis.

#8 I would really love to get my body 100% to the way I want it to look.

#9 I would love to get through my sewing and dressmaking course so that I can start making clothes. I would also like to get the dress making mannequin that I need for this purpose.

#10 Get rid of the stupid wart that I have on my finger that Ive been fighting since over the summer and have it STAY gone. Its highly irritating when I can feel it when Im writing, close my fingers or hold a make up brush.

Some of them are simple and still others are a little more complex but these are the things that I would really like to have happen in 2011.

If you want it....get it.

If you want it, get it. If you dream it, believe it. The sky's never the limit. So go on, show the world who you are. Don't be afraid to show your true colors.

I was scrolling through the Status shuffle app and this one hit me really strongly and I felt like I needed to write about it.

Over the years, I had people tell me what my dreams should be, where I should go with my life, and how I should do things THIER way...And, when I broke free of that and started following my OWN Bliss and having the courage to do it, people balked, they gossiped, they judged and they grudged....the only thing that I can say to that is that Im just being ME. Showing my true colors and as someone said to me recently, "marching to beat of my own drummer."

And, I agree. I have always been the kind of person who didn't bend to fashion, to current trends, to whatever was "in". Ive always had my OWN dreams, buried underneath all of the "other dreams" that other PEOPLE thought I should have.

And Im happy. And alot of people cant understand that. Alot of people cant see that the way that I live is right for ME and for US as a family. I dont harm anyone or anything. I dont smoke, I dont do drugs. I rarely drink if ever now. So, what is it about me that people continually think is wrong?

Because I homeschool? Because Im Wiccan? Because I have 22 tattoos and counting? Because I remarried after Cameron died?

Well, truth be told, and Ive told a great many people this...whether they believe me or not is another story, but I dont care. Ive got news for people......

IM DOING EXACTLY WHAT CAMERON SAID HE WANTED ME TO DO IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO HIM.

Right before he died, we laid in our bed, late one night in the dark, talking, as we always did before falling asleep. We were having the "if anything ever happened to me" conversation and we were telling each other what we wanted for the other if one of us were to die.

And this is EXACTLY, word for word, what he told me...

"If anything ever happened to me, I would want you to mourn and grieve for a while but then I want you to move on...find someone who makes you happy. And love them."

So, thats what I did. Dave and I have been together for over four years now and even after all the bull that we've been through, the separation and almost divorce, its come to my attention and realization that we are meant to be.

As for me being Wiccan, well, again, people have another thing coming..........it is NOT *just* a phase...it is something that I feel really strongly for, feel the Goddess coursing through my veins, breathe her in when I'm outside... People may not understand it or believe in what I do but thats the beauty of freedom of religion in this country. They believe what they believe and Ill happily, and quietly, believe in what I want to. People need to realize that this is NOT going away. I will ALWAYS wear my pentacle, I will always call on the gods, Goddess...I will do what I do and if people cant accept that, then they dont need to be in my life....OR, my girls lives.

So, here I am, almost 35 years old, living the life that *I* want, that *I* am happy with. If people cant accept it, they can pound sand, kick rocks, and get bent.