Alots been going on...

After my email to my husband a couple of months ago and him ignoring it like always...I kicked him out....there were a lot more issues then that email and I just couldn't take it anymore....He invaded my privacy on a consistent basis...We NEVER spoke. Ever. It was like living with a mime...And when we DID speak, it was to fight about shit. Or, him to say something mean, negative, angry, wrong or prejudiced/racist(towards other people)...I couldn't handle it. He did EVERYTHING that the email I wrote to him predicted....in addition to the abuse I endured from him, he tore my heart out of my chest, ripped it apart in his hands into little bitty teeny tiny pieces and threw it on the ground, stomped up and down on it a few thousand times, picked it back up and threw it in the trash. I am damaged, broken, heartbroken and just totally cold walled. The wall has gone up around my heart and its going to take a lot to heal me this time.... The last year has been hell on my psyche, my emotions, my heart and my PTSD...Ive been having a lot more triggers lately due to everything he put me through and I'm having a hard time with it... The only thing that's keeping me sane is my kids and the fact that I got a job for the first time since last year that I had to quit because of the ex...Before THAT was 2001. So, I'm proud of myself at that moment. I seem to really be getting it. And I'm glad that I have the income that's going to be coming in on a regular basis...Its waiting tables at a Mexican Grille and I'm excited because I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Mexican food....as long as its not spicy................but, i had to quit because i realized that my body just couldnt handle waiting tables anymore...i was in SO much pain, i woke up one morning, barely being able to move and feeling SO terrible i couldnt take it... I had to give my dog away because of the job....Had my ex not fucked up and gotten himself tossed out again, and I wouldn't have gotten the job, I would have had time for her and I wouldn't have had to leave her....However, my first night of work, I came home and she had completely ripped through my bathroom door and ripped off one of the moulding panels from around the door....COMPLETELY RIPPED A HOLE THROUGH THE DOOR.....because I left her alone....I couldn't handle that.... She left the next morning. She went to a wonderful family with three little kids and a yard and a husband and all that....They said to keep their number and if I wanted to ever come see her, I could....I was crying really hard when I was saying goodbye to her. I adored and loved her...I refused to take her to the pound so I worked practically all night to find her a HOME....and i did. Overall, things have been good...the girls went to NJ to see the family again over the summer, and I was the homebody that I have turned into............. I find that the older I get, the more I want to stay home and have people come HERE and cook a nice meal or something..........Im SO passed the "going OUT and partying" phase of my life...and I cant believe the amount of money I used to spend doing it... i lost the internet for about 2 weeks (which after that, i will NEVER loose it again....) Still don't have cable but its alright because ill have it eventually and i can watch stuff online if i really want to...I'm just glad to be back online. Dave is still gone, our courtdate for our divorce is October 17th and ive decided to move back in NJ in June...I'm incredibly homesick and I want to go home.