Being a mom...

All my life I wanted to be a Mom...When I started trying to get pregnant, all I knew was that having sex without birth control would get me that way and thats all that I cared about.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 18, I didnt even realize that the symptoms I had been having werent, in fact, the FLU, but it was morning sickness...BAD.

For a while, Id wake up with my husband, help him get ready for work and as he left, curl up and go back to sleep because Id be SO tired but I thought it was just because I was sick...

Id wake up SPRINTING to the bathroom to HURL anything that I had eaten while I was helping my husband get ready for work and I just couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with me...There was a time that me and my husband went to Subway to eat...I walked into the place and almost hurled right there because of the smell in there. I couldnt handle it.

We left and went somewhere else.

I had skipped my periods but didnt really dawn on me because from the day that I started *GETTING* my period, I had always been massively irregular. But, something told me to walk to CVS and grab a test...Within SECONDS of taking the test, the little pink "+" sign showed up. I was shocked....And had no idea how far along I was because I didnt even really remember when my last period had been before that.

Whats funny is that the moment I found out that i was pregnant, I stopped having the morning sickness...the nausea...the sore tits. Mind boggling.

I dont really remember going to my first doctors appt. I dont remember finding out how far along I was, but I remember going to my first ultrasound and seeing the baby...I was 12 weeks along......I had no idea what that meant.

Around 26 weeks I started having contractions and ended up in and out of the hospital several times before delivering my daughter at 31 weeks on October 30th, 1995 @ 2:50 in the afternoon. She weighed a teeny 4 lbs 5 ounces and was barely 16 inches long.

While I was going through all of that, alls I kept hearing was all this information about complications...issues that the baby might have if she were born this early...birth defects...long term health issues that could arise...I willed her to stay in longer...Prayed that shed be healthy. And she was.

I have been told that had I gone full term with her, she would have been HUGE.

I had no clue about breastfeeding and really didn't have the chance to do it because she was in the NICU for one day shy of 3 weeks and I wasn't able to see her everyday because she was in a hospital 2 hours away from us.

When she came home, it was a wonderful day. I had pretty much given up on breastfeeding at this point.

With my son, I knew a little bit more because prior to getting pregnant with him, the internet had just arrived...AOL was the newest thing...I researched the FUCK out of EVERYTHING....how to get pregnant...how to stay pregnant....how to get pregnant with a boy...(my husband now had, in addition to my daughter, three other daughters and he wanted a boy)...and all kinds of other things...

We got pregnant again before I got pregnant with my son, but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage and had to have a D&E to remove the "products of conception" because the baby had died inside me and my body wasnt discarding it like it should have.

I was devastated. Heartbroken...literally so sad that I could barely go to see one of my best friends in the hospital when she had her son because she had him right around the time that I would have been due...But I went anyway...

6 months later, on Valentines day, we got pregnant with my son, who just turned 13. The pregnancy I had with him was a little different but not by much.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely by surprise. I called my husband at work and told him that I was frustrated that I hadnt gotten my period yet (thinking that my periods had gone back to being irregular because we had been trying to get pregnant and couldnt if i wasnt getting my period)...He told me to call the doctor to get Provera to jump start my periods like I had before, before saying that I should go get a test to make sure I wasnt pregnant.

I told him that I really didnt think that I was pregnant but Id go to the store and get one anyway.

I went home, put my daughter down for a nap, and took the test...Again, within seconds, as I was putting the drops into the test, it was showing positive...

I was excited but scared out of my WITS because of what had happened with the previous pregnancy. I called my husband and then my doctor to set up an appt to come in immediately since I wanted to make sure the baby was ok...

I found out I was only 4 weeks along and was due November 3rd, 1999. The pregnancy was a breeze pretty much, with the exception of being tired and hot. (I was pregnant through the summer).

The pregnancy was going fine until I was about 28 weeks. I was staying with my mother at the time because, as usual, my husband was in jail....AGAIN. I went to her doorway of her room and said that I thought i might be in labor and she told me to call my doc, after asking how far along i was. (WTF?! she should have known that!)

My doctor told me to come in and when i got to the hospital, they checked me and found that i was 4 cms dilated.

That was the beginning of weeks of bedrest in the hospital...mag sulfate treatments...breathene shots...painful hip issues...physical therapy because I was on bedrest unable to get up...lots and lots o tests and ultrasounds...all the while listening to my mother scream at me on the other end of the phone because she had to take care of my daughter while I was dealing with everything. She kept asking me when they were going to let me come home.

It was a mess.

I had him at 36 weeks, in October 1999. Almost exactly 4 yrs to the day after having my oldest daughter.

Breastfeeding with my son would have gone REALLY well if I had had support, encouragement and help. But, I didn't. My mother was against breastfeeding. Thought it was disgusting and stupid...So, I caved and went to formula after a few weeks because I couldn't handle the berating and insults anymore.

In May of 2001, I found out that I was pregnant again by accident. It was a really bad time to have gotten pregnant because I had just filed for divorce from my oldest twos father and was in a bad place in my life...It was scary and I was in shock because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant again...at least not at that time. My now EX husband was not the father and I was super freaked out and scared...I had switched birth control pills because I had been bleeding for a solid month and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My doctor put me on a different birth control but something happened and I got pregnant.

However scared I was, the pregnancy was beautiful...No issues, no morning sickness, no sore breasts, nothing. I sailed through the pregnancy like a dream...Until i started going into labor at 24 weeks. Thats when they put me on this medication called Procardia and it was the MOST fantastic thing in the world because it stopped EVERY stitch of preterm labor...I had to take it every 3 hours and make sure to drink lots of water.

I made it to 35/37 weeks (depending on who you ask...*I* thought that because a previous doctor told me I was 2 weeks later then the docs I was seeing at the time, I said i was 37, *THEY* said I was 35...but, eh, whatevs.) with her. She was born in December of 2002.

She really is a beautiful miracle and I thank the Goddess every single day for her because getting pregnant with her woke me up and got me out of a really shitty situation.

She ended up having GERD so breastfeeding her was a pain in the behind but I was still able to pump and put my breast milk in with her formula.

9 months later I got pregnant with Holli. My pregnancy with her was fantastic, aside from a couple of early scares. At 6 weeks, I had started to bleed and thought i was having another miscarriage and told Cameron (my second husband)...He rushed me to the hospital....Turns out that the baby was fine...Good strong little heartbeat. My placenta had a little blood bubble behind it and thats where the blood was coming from...

After that, I called my family practitioner and told him that I was pregnant again and wanted to be put back on the Procardia to avoid any preterm complications. I knew I had time because my body would try to start going into labor between 27-28 weeks pregnant. I wanted to get a jump start.

She was born in June 2004 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was my biggest and the furthest Id made it with very very few complications.

My youngest child, was conceived when Holli was exactly 1 yr old. I found out on July 4th, 2005 that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed but scared because Cameron kept saying that we couldnt afford another baby although we werent exactly trying to prevent a pregnancy if it happened.

The pregnancy up until I was 28 weeks along was awesome. NO morning sickness...No pain...No sore tits. I adored being pregnant with her. Was really energetic, happy, overjoyed...

Until that December when we lost Cameron from a car accident.

After that I really dont remember much as far as the pregnancy because I was in SUCH a deep deep mourning that I just kinda blurred everything in my life.

Julia was born February 21, 2006 after 37 weeks 6 days of pregnancy. The labor was awful, painful and I almost died.

She wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding and I was in such a depression and mourning from having lost Cameron that it didnt matter to me. Formula was fine and easier...

It didnt stop me from bonding incredibly hard with her. Shes my little hip attachment and will just sit or snuggle with me for hours on end..will come in and give me lots and lots of kisses for no reason...I call her "my last gift from Cameron"...

Being a mom is the most amazing thing to me and I live for my children. When Cameron died, I wanted to die too and would have. With the exception of the fact that one day I was sitting at his grave, telling him I didnt know how I was going to live without him. And how I wanted to die too so that I could be with him.

Clear as a bell I heard his voice say to me "Dont you dare. You have our girls to think about. You have THEM to live for..."

And I have been living for them ever since. WIthout them I honestly dont know where Id be. They are my world, my air, my everything. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I wouldnt trade it for anything EVER. If anything ever happened to my kids, I honestly dont think that i could go on. It would kill me and Id fail to function as a human being.