who am i?

I'm mouthy, opinionated, free spirited, independent and strong. It will take a STRONG man to deal with the way that i am...I CAN be a bitch with a sharp tongue... If you're man enough to break through my tough outter shell, I urge you to try. It will be a challenge...it will show me that you are worth it....I have my own car, I own my house, I'm self employed and homeschool my kids. I've been through hell and back so I have a REALLY tough exterior to break through.... But I can guarantee, I'm worth it...

That being said....Im not exactly sure what im even looking for at the moment...Im kind of at a weird place in my life right now...I have my own car, just bought a house that im remodeling (its going to take a WHILE) ...I have my businesses that im trying to get up and running here in NJ....I am WAYYYY to independent..Im too free spirited and often I forget to include others in what im doing/want to do an am extremely used to doing things on my own....I often do things at a whim and dont often care what others want me to do or not. Ive lived my life so freely in the last 7 yrs since my late husband died that unless the right person comes that makes me want to change things, I like living how I want.

Dont get it twisted. Im not a Dominant personality really...But in my life, i tend to be a control freak because I can be...i NEED to be....I HAVE to be...I like being able to control how things go in my life. Im a planner. I plan EVERYTHING and as the one song goes "i make lists in my sleep." I dont need/like someone telling me how to live my life because ive done very well living it so far....Yes, I may have struggled but I've made it through barely unscathed.

My heart has been bruised and broken into a gajillion pieces....Ive come back from being abused...lied to....cheated on...and i still keep rolling with the punches... I have a lot of idiosyncrasies that i wont/cant give up. So the person that happens to make those walls i mentioned above fall, will be undoubtably understanding and accepting of them.

My bodys been beat up by having 5 babies. Im not super skinny and I dont have this model type body...Im short and have a pudgy middle that i suck in and put two waist cinchers on every time i get dressed because its a self conscious spot....I have stretch marks. My tits sag from breastfeeding...But i have beautiful legs and arms and face and heart. There are things in my head that sometimes get in the way of me pursuing anything because i have yet to find that ONE person, who was like my late husband, who would accept them and help me through them.

My mother pretty much desserted me at a young age when her "prince" was born right after me...I was abused and ignored and belittled and treated like shit by a shit load of people that were supposed to care about me.

People that I was supposed to trust killed my heart.

Killed my trust.

Took advantage of me....of my kindness.....So, time and time again, it makes my bitchy attitude side come out because try as i may, most guys still ONLY see me for sex and it irritates the living piss out of me. Just because I dress/look a certain way, doesn't mean im ALL about sex...I want intimacy....love...passion....sweetness... compassion...snuggly nights where i just hold hands and put my head on my guys shoulder...

For the right person.....I have ALL the love in the world to give....All the kindness and compassion and sweetness and passion they could ever dream of.......

But one things for sure, I DESPERATELY need for something to go INCREDIBLY slow.

I need time of talking and getting to know someone, to see if they're worthy of my heart before I even meet them....I need to feel that *spark* during conversations that involve more then "hi, how are you?" and other casual conversation...

I have way to much going on in my life to be worried about impressing someone with a "bullshit hide behind a computer screen" self....This is me. Pure REALness...Utter and complete bluntness and no bullshit...

I also wont make plans to meet someone if m not getting a click vibe from one or two conversations ..I dont care if they're the "go out and get it when they see something they like" kinda guys...I dont give a shit what kind of guy you are....If IM not ready, we aint meeting, no matter how much you beg, bug, nag, cajole or threaten...You threaten you're bolting, so be it. BYE. dont let the off button burn your finger on the way to turning it off. No skin off my tits.

Giving me ultimatums aint gonna work....Ive lived 7 YRS of that shit, 2 while single...Ive hit my limit and WONT tolerate it anymore...

So, thats kinda where Im at at the moment...Struggling with who I am and what i want.