Why am I still single???

Thats a question Ive gotten a lot here lately...ALOT.....Frankly, I dont know why. Its not for not trying...Maybe its because Im scared...Scared that they'll do to me what most of the people in my life have done....Bail....Whenever i start getting "close" to someone, and actually start letting myself *like* someone, which is REALLY rare and hard for me to do, and they bail, then I disconnect from people more and more....Scared that once Im in a relationship with them, they'll do to me what my ex did...or, die like my late husband did.


I do try...But i find sometimes that when Im talking to someone and they start saying things that I dont like or whatever, even just the *slightest* thing...I just....disconnect...I push them away intentionally, stop responding...for the reasons I stated...I know its me, because of my fear.


...maybe its because Im picky...I have a pretty good idea of what kind of guy I like...And looking for...and if Im not attracted to them....if I dont feel SOME kind of connection....chemically or energy wise....Then, I dont connect like I feel maybe I should....maybe its because I havent had the right connection with someone....again, distance makes a huge difference.


I do kinda have attachment issues...though not like you'd think...Most people that have attachment issues, its usually the other way around...they get to attached TO easily...its REALLY not easy for me to. Because Ive been hurt SO SO much and bailed on, and dropped...for reasons I know, and for reasons I dont...Ive had friends end their friendships for NO reason...without telling me why...Ive had guys do the same thing...My mother even disappeared and hates me for reasons I cant undersand...So, i dont get attached easily...I CANT.


There've been a few times recently that I *THOUGHT* something was gonna happen with someone...and LET myself like them...let myself trust them...Then they either bail or they turn out to not be a match for me...for one reason or another....


I also cant seem to find anyone who'll make me WANT to attach to them...trust them...bond and connect with them...I do admit that i have come control issues...I cant let go and let someone else IN....I havent met anyone yet, aside from one gentleman last summer, who I was completely ready to move to ARIZONA to be with him....and he disappeared...and BLOCKED me...and refused to answer emails, phone calls or texts...So again, the attachment ability that most people have, I DONT...and I think it makes it hard to trust, bond, connect etc with them...when I want to...Trust also has a lot to do with it...

It doesn't help that a lot of the gentlemen Ive spoken with are long distance...or, in general, the guys here in Rhode Island just plain SUCK....horribly bad...theyre either douchebags, players, drug addicts, live at home with Mommy and Daddy, dont know how to be a gentleman, are married and want a girl on the side, are divorced and have bitter animosity towards whatever the reason may be, whether its their exes or baby mama's, alcoholics, are too young, not my type, or dont know HOW to ACTUALLY "date"...So, until I move to where ever it is that I will end up, I wont date here.....EVER.

And as Ive mentioned in a past journal, long distance things dont work for me because the NEED to feel someones energy and chemistry is really important to me. If i cant feel that, I cant bond with them.

So, I guess thats why Im still single...