Why does it hurt so much? What is this pain that I feel so tight in my chest?
Can I, Will I ever trust you again? Why do I have to continually hide the pain that you caused, acting like it doesn't bother me that you stole my heart then trashed it over and over again and I know people around me know the truth...To know that my heart and soul will continue to hide the bitter pain that you caused and will continue to push people away that want to get close to me because I fear they'll hurt me and break my heart/trust again...and all the possible feelings that I feel or will feel for someone, friend or otherwise, cant come to surface because of what YOU DID to me.... People think Im this strong woman when all i wanna do is really curl up and cry for the pain you caused...for the fact that I will NEVER trust another living soul because of the trust you continually broke over and over and over and over again....
You swear that you love me, and you swear that you want to work through things and you talk pretty words but in my heart and mind i cant trust you enough to let you back in...if ever...i don't know where I stand right now...which way is up, which way is down...I know that I cant trust you, no matter how hard you try....thinking thinking thinking...that's all i do and over and over and over it goes back to HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME, HOW MUCH you destroyed every little iota of adoration, love, admiration and respect that i actually had for you....all the changes i made for you, all the sacrifices and compromises.......and you took advantage of me...you emotionally and mentally abused me, withheld your emotions, intimacies, physicality and love...that's not what a husband does...not a newlywed husband...notta husband who's been married 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, 50 years, not even 500 years...it was cruel....and inhumane......I gave you my love, unwaveringly, i gave you my already wounded heart after loosing the ONE person in my life who ACTUALLY GOT me....and, you stepped all over it...i gave you my trust when i couldn't trust anybody and you broke it continually over and over again...i supported you in everything you did, encouraged you, took care of you and all you ever wanted to do was act like i didn't exist...all i wanted from you was love, the same kind of love that i felt for you....the same kind of respect and adoration and appreciation that i had for you.......the love that you promised me over and over and over again but continually held ever so slightly just beyond my reach...
When I lost Cameron, you were there to pick up the pieces but you did exactly what everyone else in my life has done....you left....I may have kicked you out physically but you left and checked out of this relationship a LONG time ago....and now that you realize what you lost, NOW you want to work through things? You left, Cameron left, my mother pushed me away....maybe this was what i was born for...i have tried SO HARD not to become like her but it seems that the bitterness she had, the coldness that she had is starting to creep into my chest and body...Im numb and i cant feel anymore because of all the pain and suffering Ive had to deal with over the last 33 years of my life....
My mother didn't even want me...she was forced to have me....hated me because i was a constant reminder of a "man she hated" because i look just like him....I was a constant reminder of her childhood being taken away...did I ask to be born? no....hell, she even had an IUD and she STILL got pregnant with me...I know she would have aborted me..she never wanted me....and to this day i honestly believe that nobody really wants me...including you....you honestly just want, what was it that you said?? Oh yea, something to the affect of "ready made pussy"...THAT was classy, Ill tell ya...
I'm torn because we have only been married for a year. But, you've caused me so much pain that i cant physically feel anything. I'm hurt, in pain, numb........the love that i had for you has all but dwindled except for a single tear drop that falls on occasion....I want a divorce but then in the next breath, i'm scared to death because the dating world is a scary place and i don't want to go through the motions...but, im scared that if i let you back, if i let you back in, which, right now, my heart is WAY to broken to even consider it, ill feel like I'm settling because I'm afraid of the dating world...and im afraid that youll just break my heart again, over and over and over...........
Why am I writing this? well, because, i need to. I need to get it ALL out. In the open, clear, honest, brutal.....the fighting, the lying....the truth has GOT to come out....i never lied to you to impress you about ANYTHING in my life....i feel like your toxic...i feel like if i let you back in, you're going to pull me down and drown me with your poison....I really wish that i knew another way to feel or how to say what i feel but i don't. my heart is bleeding because you pushed a dagger through it so many times it cant heal itself.
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