So many Changes

So, in the last 5 months since Dave has been gone, i cant believe the changes that have occurred in me and around me. I look back to the blogs that I wrote when he had just left and have been working on myself thoroughly since then.

I meditate almost on a nightly basis. Ive been reading, thinking, praying to the Gods and Goddesses, developing and becoming the strong woman that I once was....and, I can almost feel myself start to trust a bit more everyday...just by the little things that I let my girls do, bit by bit, I'm releasing some more of my controlling grip on them, not letting the negative thoughts enter my brain...Even though things haven't been the best over the last few years, I am slowly trying to build my life back up after Dave destroyed me. I do not feel the hatred, nor do I feel the anger for the people that harmed me in the past.....in fact, I feel sorry for them. I feel pity for them because they were honestly just bullies and felt badly about themselves and didn't know any better...I’ve made it through all the bull and hell and back and I can honestly say that I am a MUCH stronger person then i have ever been.

I've been working on the trust again, working on the forgiveness of people and attempting to be more compassionate and kind towards man kind. Honestly, because there is too much hatred, greed, and violence and just plain meanness in people. It literally makes my heart sad and makes me just sad for humanity...

A friend of mines daughter, told me today that her friends uncle was murdered recently and that today was the memorial. REALLY?! The poor girl had to deal with someone close to her dealing with murder? That just saddens my heart and proves my point with how cruel the world can be…and how deluded and sick…

In addition, I believe last year, a friend of mine whom also home-schools her children told me that a friend of hers' (we'll call her jennifer) daughter told "jennifer" that one of her classmates was on the school bus giving a little boy head. REALLY?! At the time, apparently this little girl was LILIA's AGE!!!!!!!!!! (thes 7 for those of you that dont know)..........How the HELL would a 7 year old KNOW about giving head??? INCREDIBLE.

I take care of, adore and cherish every moment with my girls and almost worship the grounds they walk on. Without them, I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here. The fact that people would subject their kids to that kinda of thing and that kind of behavior, boggles my mind….The thing that i cant understand about people is how much they bitch and complain about being parents and having to "do so much" or their kids or "needing a break"....really, if you WANTED a break or didn't want to be around kids, or raise them to do right or HIDE them from obscenities, WHY DID YOU HAVE THEM?!? If you really didn’t want them, or thought that it was ok to have them around that, you should have just given them up for adoption, I’m sure they could have gotten a much better upbringing then the attitude yelling, screaming and beating, neglect, or being ignored they get...

I grew up having the LITERAL shit kicked out of me....and I remember how scared to death I was because of it most of the time. FOR that reason, I RARELY lay my hands on my children. WHEN I do, you better believe they did something MAJOR to warrant it. When they look at me, I want them to look at me with love and compassion and remember their growing up as fun, loving, affectionate and happy...not be scared to death of me, intimidated or anything of the sort...not filled with anger and hate and being told they are a "pain in the ass" or that I hate them...i ADORE my children...Am I strict and hard on them? Absolutely. You ask anybody that knows me AND them and you see how fantastic their manners are, how well behaved they are....BECAUSE I am hard on them and strict without being violent.

The only thing that I have ever wanted to do in my life besides make up and sing, was be a mom. I couldn't wait to be a mother. I adored EVERY second of being pregnant, even with the morning sickness, the sore breasts, the exhaustion....I felt so lucky to be able to bring a life into this world because i know there are women that aren’t able to get pregnant, and spend THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars TRYING to get pregnant.....I honestly feel honored and blessed that the gods and goddesses blessed me with the ability. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have been able to have the children that I so desperately wanted.

Its why I wanted to home-school them. Aside from the fact that I REFUSE to send them to school in this school district because they SUCCCCCKKKKKK, the very thought of anything happening to my children's innocence and vulnerabilities scare the living hell out of me. Especially going through what I did when i was in school, being bullied on a daily basis, being ridiculed, made fun of, and all that nonsense, i refuse to let my children be subject to that. Its also why I am EXTREMELY careful about what they watch, whats on their tv and what I allow them to be subjected to. I want them to remain innocent for as long as possible. This part of their lives is SO important, SO dependant on a great future that I spend every moment that I can with them in this most important time of their lives.

I care about and adore my children so much that I wont ever put them in daycare...I have three sitters that I use. I refuse to have them around other peoples kids because people don't know (or don't care) about putting their SICK kids in daycare and getting OTHER kids sick...Do I understand that there are some parents that cant take the time off because their kid is sick? Absolutely, I get that. I'm a single parent, have BEEN a single parent and had to worry about that, but ya know what? I either found another BACK UP option or i stayed home from work and took care of my sick child. All's a sick child wants is their mommy anyway, so I'm going to be there for my child. If the employer fires me? Oh well, my children absolutely come first...with all my qualifications, I can easily find another job.

From the abuse when I was younger into my teenage years...to my rapes, to the friggin' Christian boarding school NIGHTMARE that felt like a god damned boot camp for Christianity, to the ex husband that couldn't keep his ass outta jail and giving up my older two children to being homeless to meeting and falling in love with the best thing to ever happen to me, to loosing him and having to raise my girls without their Daddy, to everything that’s gone on in the last 5 years (almost) that Cameron has been gone...I can honestly say that I have been through the ringer and back but I’m still here and persevering like one bad ass bitch. I’m strong, know who I am and what I will and wont put up with, and slowly but surely putting the pieces of my heart back together after loosing trust and faith in humanity and love….I am woman, hear me roar…