What do you say???

To a 4 and a half year old that was born after her daddy died when she says to you "Mommy, I miss daddy..." My heart breaks everytime she says this to me...it breaks even more then it already is because everyday, I miss him too. I miss the way he made me feel, so loved, adored...I miss how devoted he was...to me AND his girls...

Tell me, what do you say to a 6 year old that looks just like him when she says she misses him too when she says she doesn't remember him because she was only 18 months old when he died???

I guess you can say that its been a rough day...Earlier today, my girls and I were talking about the fact that one day, when they feel ready, they will eventually move out (much to my dismay) to be on their own and find a boyfriend and then a husband...My Bear says to me "Mommy, you left your house because your family was mean to you right?" and I said "yes, babydoll. I left because my mommy beat me up everyday and called me bad names..."

....and then they asked me why she would do that...How do you explain to children that young why you were abused? and why a mother would be so cruel to her child?

It makes me thankful that my girls adore me and tell me on a daily basis that I am the "best mommy in the world!" (and that comes more often when i do things like stop at dunkin donuts for a coffee and get them each a donut, or take them some place special like the zoo)...It makes me grateful that I broke the cycle with my children, that I will never lay a violent misguided hand on them...i dont call them names, i dont ridicule them...even when im not in the best of moods, if they draw a picture and bring it to me gleefully and say "LOOK MOMMY!!!!!" i dont say to them something awful that would be detrimental to their self esteem. Even if im dying in bed, I still muster up a "FANTASTIC baby, its beautiful!!!"

I dont understand why parents have to be so mean to their kids...dont they realize that they are our future generations?? Dont they realize that the more they berate mistreat and abuse our kids (whether its physically or mentally), how much MORE fucked up they would be?? and how pushing them away will make it harder for them later in life to adapt to a relationship and be NORMAL???

Case in point...someone close to me was abused....beaten and berated, kicked out when he was 13 and made to live with family....his marriage was later destroyed because he inflicted the same kind of abuse on his spouse that he endured as a child...another case in point...a girlfriend of mine abused, beaten, berated earlier in life by a male authority figure in her life, made her seek out the affections that she missed out on with this man, with any man that would pay attention to her, and it ending her up in bad relationship after bad relationship...she made the same mistakes over and over again because she hadnt found what she was looking for...

and me....well, i dont know what my issue with relationships are....my first ex, well, he was a career criminal. then there were the few after him before Cameron....one was abusive and threatened me on a daily basis...one cheated on me....another mistreated me in general....then I met my Cameron.......wonderful loving, kind, affectionate, caring Cameron....the man took my shit, accepted it for the way I was and I can only be thankful that I had him for such a short time in my life...

And then theres Dave....well, we all know where thats ended up...another abusive relationship...what is IT with me finding these assholes that like to abuse women?!

I think its because I was raised being abused and I dont feel (even though I KNOW with out a SHADOW of a doubt that I do) that i deserve any better...

Oh well, Im still living my life one day at a time...I dont look towards the future anymore because every time I do, I'm let down BADLY...With friends, relationships and family members...I spend every waking day with my children and thats just going to have to do.