Do i like being single?

This question was just posed to me in an email...and it got me to thinking.

my wheels turned and.......shrug...I guess I can say that im used to it by now. I like living how i want to live and not having to conform myself to how someone else thinks i should live. I like being me without having to make excuses or change the way i am. I like living how i want, doing what i want without having to answer to someone. Im pretty much set in my ways...

though on the flip side of that....i like having help from someone if i need it...Like having financial help when i need it (not that id look for someone with money, just the whole "being a team" and stuff when it comes to household things....

so im kinda...i dunno...i wouldnt say i LIKE being single but i do at the same time....

Its also hard because I dont trust a living god damned soul to save my life. Im uber protective of my girls and in my mind, every man is out to get with me because i have young kids and they want THEM...(trust me, i've run into a few sickos that want to talk about my kids really early into the conversation....Even had one guy tell me some months back that hed want to train them into eventually being his slaves...Umm, NO FUCKING THANKS sicko.)...so yea, Im UBER guarded.

It doesn't help that my first husband was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings where he THOUGHT he was talking to 13 yr old girl which turned out to be an undercover cop......But thats another story...

I think that if i didn't have my girls to protect and care for, that I wouldn't be o jaded and careful and guarded. But i do, and that a LARGE reason why I stay single...because im scared for THEM...

As much as my oldest tells me that she wants me to find someone to marry, it still scares me.

Either that or when I go out with someone...I dunno, my walls are so built up...I keep telling myself that the RIGHT one will be patient and waiting for them to come down...But they dont stick around long enough....Or, they're ALL just about sex....And dont get me wrong, While i LOOOOVE sex, I dont want it to JUT be about that.

I do want to meet someone and get married....But I also have very specific dream that i want to perue before I ultimately REALLY settle down...though I dont think THATs something Ill even like to do..

Ive never been the go to college, get a career, get the perfect ivy league husband and the perfect house with the white picket fence in a perfect neighborhood, with the perfect kids and the perfect dog...

Im a Gypsy. I have been my whole life. Ive never, in all my life, lived ANYWHERE longer then 2-3 years. I get restless. I get bored. I dont like people in my business...Its why I want to RV so much...If i dont like somewhere or something someones doing, I can just pack up, hop in the drivers seat and GO.

No connections, no ties to anywhere....

Being single is something Im used to....Do I LIKE it?? Thats debatable...There are times when Id love to have someone, be in a relationship with someone that could help me...be with me....support me....love me....accept me......but another thing I have a hard time dealing with is that I raise my girls a very specific way...and if anyone tries to come in and tell me different, I push them away...HARDER then a wwe wrestler throwing someone down on a table from atop a 30 foot ladder....

I have a hard time meeting anyone that CAN and WILL accept me for the way I am...who'll love me for my stupid idiosyncrasies....Who wont judge me for the way I am or the way i raise my girls...Its hard for me.

So i guess thats why Im single....do I LIKE it???

Eh...Thats to be determined....
All my life, Ive had to fight for everything that Ive ever gotten or had...Ive had to fight through the worst things that anyone would ever have to fight through.

was born to an unwed mother who was forced to keep me, I was severely abused by her, I was bullied at school, I was gang raped at 13, sent to live at a Christian boarding school when I was 16 because my mother didnt want me anymore (yes, she told me this)...At 18, i met a man who ultimately I married....Turns out he was a pedophile and was arrested in 2001 in one of those online stings (talking to an undercover cop who HE thought was a 13 yr old girl)...I had to give up my children that i had with him so that they could have a better life...i fought and fought and fought through everything...When Michael was arrested the last time, I was left on my own. I had no idea how to pay bills, how to do anything financially...I started stripping because it was the only thing I could think of that would give me money FAST...

I met a man at one of the clubs that ultimately turned out to be a drug addict and who got ME doing drugs when Id never ever touched a drug in my life....Thank GODDESS that I didnt get hooked...He was abusive and unkind and constantly accused me of cheating on him because of my work....
And when I looked into beauty school, ridiculed me...

Then, I got pregnant with my almost 11 yr old daughter and everything changed....for the better eventually but in the beginning it wasnt....When I told him that I was pregnant, he insisted that I get an abortion. When I refused, he tried to beat me up.

Thankfully, because of the abuse from my mother growing up, I knew how to protect myself and I covered my belly with anything I could get to...My legs, my arms, a pillow...anything....When his friend came to get him, i FLED...With a few clothes in two clothes baskets and my cat, I fled...
He also had said that if I had the baby, hed find us and kill us both...I fled for our safety.
a year and a half later i met my late husband and my life was perfect...I was THE most in love I've ever been in...and he loved me JUST as passionately, hard and white hot heat then i have ever felt loved...We ended up having two more children within the 2 and a half yrs that we were together before he died....(yes, it was THAT passionate lol)....

since he died....Its taken me a long time to come to grips with who I am as a person, as a woman, as a spiritual soul. Its taken 7 and a half long years to figure out where I belong in life.

And figure out what i deserve as far as relationships are concerned.

I deserve someone that will treat me like a MFKN Queen...Not a high maintenance bitch, but a Queen...a princess....Like I would treat him as my King and love of my life...

I deserve someone who's going to accept me for how I am, how i believe in things, who I am and everything that goes with that...as I would with them.

I deserve someone who's going to take the time to get to know me and not RUSH me into talking on the phone, meeting up or whatever. im not the kind of girl that likes to rush into things....Even my groceries are carefully planned. After all that ive been through, i have EVERY right to want someone to WOO me...Take time to achieve my trust and love and devotion.

I deserve someone who's going to WORK to get my phone number, even if it takes a while.

I deserve someone who's not going to mistreat me by tearing me down, but building me up and encouraging my dreams like i would for them.

I deserve someone that if i text/call them, they wont ignore the texts/calls and send them to voicemail because hes busy with "his boys" or whatever...I answer EVERY text/phone call ANYTIME anyone of my friends calls/texts me. I deserve that respect from them.

I deserve their love and devotion. Even if their family/friends dont like me, I deserve THEM loving me. And being devoted to me...

I deserve Respect and kindness and love and loyalty and not someone whos going to mistreat me or discourage me from my dreams.

I deserve someone whos going to help me when I need it. Its not very often that i ask for help. In fact its fucking hard as fuck for me to ask for help from ANYBODY. but I want someone that just by looking at me says "shit, you need a break...go get yourself some lunch and go (get your nails done, get sushi, go to the mall/for a drive/et....).

I deserve someone whos not going to treat my girls like second class citizens because they arent THEIR children....

I deserve someone whos not going to fight with me on stupid things.

I deserve someone that wants to get married just as badly as i do.

Thats all I can think of at the moment, but for the start, thats what I deserve...I deserve happiness. and love. and peace.