Ive had an epiphany...

So, after talking with someone yesterday, it finally dawned on me why I'm still single....its not because all men are pigs, assholes, perverts or anything like that...It has nothing to do with not having anyone interested (believe me, i totally do)...it has nothing to do with men being/not being attractive to me....

it suddenly dawned on me.....

Im fucking scared to death to get hurt again.

Ive been single for 2 yrs...Ive dated a couple of times...had a COUPLE that i thought were gonna go somewhere but ended up REALLY BADLY breaking my heart....truth be told....Im afraid. Im scared to death...And i don't know if I will honestly EVER be ready again to be with anyone....and yes that means sexually as well.

.....Cameron passed away 7.5 yrs ago. In that time, I've been really, badly, incredibly hurt. Ive been taken advantage of...used...betrayed...over and over and over again. Ive had MORE hurt then good times then I can even explain or talk about...

I was with Dave for 4.5 years and that relationship was one giant tumultuous train wreck...several break ups and get-back-togethers....yea that was a MASSIVE friggin' train-wreck...The one before him, though brief, was incredibly abusive...emotionally, not physically...Took advantage of me on MULTIPLE occasions because I was vulnerable after loosing Cameron...

So, because of everything that Ive been through in the last 7 and a half years with relationships, friendships, and otherwise, I just decided that i'm not going to look or be involved with anyone....ever again...Every-time i let down my guard...and start to MAYBE trust.....I get fucked over AGAIN...

its easier on my heart, emotions and psyche.

Everything that Ive been through, relationship wise, friend-wise, family wise has made me really really paranoid, hurt and afraid to ever trust anyone.

Ever.

Im better off alone because i just CANT trust anyone...My fears have made me have anxiety about leaving my house...Its made me have anxiety about people coming over...Its made me have anxiety about trusting everyone I ever come into contact with. Just because of everything I've been through, I feel like because every time something happens, because people may or may not like the way I am, or the way I raise my girls or what-the-fuck-ever, whether they be pissed at me and want to "get back at me" for whatever reason, that they're gonna call the cops, or worse DYFS (and this happened recently and has made my anxiety even worse) and make up REALLY horrendous rumors about me....Really hurtful VERY untrue rumors...

And when I lived in NJ before leaving for RI, these people called DYFS on me FOUR times....for NO good reason....Because they want to cause ME harm and take my girls away from me because they don't like the way I live....Truth be told, I KNEW that when I moved down here, it would happen. I KNEW the second I got a place, and the ones who called got the address, they'd be showing up...And just like the PREVIOUS 4 times they were called, the case will be closed...

And even though the DYFS case is in the process of being closed (talked to the girl today and she said it would be), it still makes it INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust ANYONE....I feel like I need to second guess EVERYTHING i ever do now. I feel like anything i do isnt going to be good enough....And its made me second guess my ability of being a mother....

OR be with anyone....Im not the kind of bitch that needs someone to rescue me...And when shit like what I just mentioned above happens, because of stupid, jealous, controlling people that cant get the fuck out of my life for whatever reason, I feel like the drama will make them bolt...like it has before. So i just don't try...I don't look....I don't WANT to. I don't NEED anyone in my life thats going to try to make me feel worse because of someone ELSES antics...and believe me, the asshole I dated before Dave did that shit...

Everything I go through, it fucks with EVERYTHING as far as my daily living....EVERYTIME i *think* i might be getting better, something ELSE happens to make my anxiety worse and worse......It makes me have severe anxiety so badly that it makes me not WANT to even go out on any dates that I MIGHT be invited out on because I feel like people will think badly of me and think I'm a bad mom because I AM going out on dates.......When someone shows up at the house unexpectedly, it makes me really really nervous...I cant even handle anyone thumping on the walls or floors...I honestly think the people giving me a hard time WANT me to go crazy from their shit so Ill completely give the girls to them....which will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN OVER MY DEAD BODY.

So, yea, Im scared. Im terrified....and I honestly don't think I will EVER truly be ready to EVER have anyone in my life again.

People think Im this really strong bitch. They think that Ive got it all together...When I really really don't.....I don't leave my house unless I ABSOLUTELY have to, like to get groceries. Im content to stay home and not leave my house for any reason...Im scared to death of being hurt again in a relationship, and aside from the VERY few friends that i DO trust in life, i don't make new friends because of everything i just mentioned.

While i don't feel that the way I live is WRONG, other people DO and they make it EXTREMELY difficult for me to live because they keep doing shit like calling DYFS and making me second guess it...