So, here i sit in my brand new place and I cant be happier...though i think that i actually could. Its been stressful and there have been some major arguments, some bickering, attitudes and the like and i can honestly say that im looking forward to the end of the move and everything situated where i want it to be because if i have to here "shes doing this to piss me off....." or "I had to get into his face because of....." ONE more time, so help me Goddess, Im seriously going to snap.
We haven't even been here for two full days yet and her friggin son DRAWS all over Lilia's walls. She tells me shes going to get a magic eraser and clean it off but i doubt it...I cant wait until they are gone. honestly. I am SOOOOOOOOO over this. Ive had it for the last few months really with the screaming baby and now Glenn NOT listening in the slightest bit at all....I'm literally tired of living with people other then my kids.
Then, of course, with Valentine's Day tomorrow and Dave not having ANY money as usual, i know I'm not getting squat from him............AGAIN. i don't remember the last present that i have gotten from him...........oh, yes i do. My birthday.................THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO.
I am so tired of being taken advantage of. I have let my best friend and her three kids live here for rent free and i havent gotten anything but attitude and fighting and ive had to change the way that i raise MY children because "its not fair for HER children that MY children get to do yada yada yada..." Really? My children are older and ALOT smarter then hers. UGH. Im so done with this. We just CANT live together.
Not to mention Dave...i honestly think he married me because he didnt want to be alone and didnt want to have to work anymore. Ive told him this before and he denies it but its how i feel. i havent been happy for a really long time.
February 13, 2010
January 05, 2010
Todays the Day
So, as of today, i weighed myself this morning and i was 144. I went to the gym like i said i was going to and didnt make excuses at all. I made sure that i stayed on the treadmill for 35(ish) minutes...the reason i say 35ish minutes is because half way through, i accidentally pulled the emergency stop cord...SILLY ME....so i lost all the work out stats up to that point...i think i had done like 12 or so minutes so i did another 15 and then walked over to the ab crunch benches. I did three sets of 12 reps each. woot! I wanted to start out slow since i was just getting back into the cardio thing and wanting to lose weight. I am giving myself by March 17th to lose at LEAST 20 lbs. My ultimate goal is 25 so even if i lose 20 by march 17th, ill be good. I cant wait to be svelt and sexy and look awesome in clothes...:)
So, this is the month that i pay for and go to bartending school. YAY! i have like 15 places im looking at in the providence/warwick area for jobs. I'm really determined to make a huge success of this. I have been living the "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade" motto for the last few weeks since finding out the Army dropped me. I was truly devastated when that happened but i developed another strategy for our lives and hopefully things will be awesome from that.
So, heres hoping that the beginning of my 2010 leads to new exciting wonderful things in my life.
So, this is the month that i pay for and go to bartending school. YAY! i have like 15 places im looking at in the providence/warwick area for jobs. I'm really determined to make a huge success of this. I have been living the "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade" motto for the last few weeks since finding out the Army dropped me. I was truly devastated when that happened but i developed another strategy for our lives and hopefully things will be awesome from that.
So, heres hoping that the beginning of my 2010 leads to new exciting wonderful things in my life.
January 03, 2010
New Years Resolutions
Well, today is January 3rd and I'm thinking about new years resolutions. MINE are to get a job immediately after finishing bartending school, loosing the weight that Ive been struggling with the last few years ( get back down to 125), Earn enough money to move into a really decent new place, have it be like 4 or 5 bedrooms, get some new clothes and REALLY concentrate on opening my bar. ...
Yes thats right, I said, MY BAR...I want to open my own bar. After consulting my Tarot Cards and my Well Worn Path cards and meditating, i have really come to the conclusion that I really want to open a bar. Not so much the salon that I was thinking about because honestly, maybe some day, but at the moment, I really just don't want the hassle. Opening a salon is a HUUUUUUUUGE deal. It really is. And the salon I would want to open would be a combination of my two loves....a tattoo shop/beauty salon. That would be even extra hassle because you need special equipment for those....chairs for both sides, tables, sinks sterilization equipment yada yada....it can get to be nuts.
A bar....just buy liquor, tables, chairs, stools, glasses etc...get a liquor license...and if i get one with a kitchen built in it already, thatll make it even better.....I know its going to be a struggle to get it off the ground but with what I have in mind, its going to be a huge success...Plus, since I've been living on pennies for the last several years, I know how to cut costs and budget where it needs to be budgetted. I know where i can get cheap(er) cash registers, i know where i can get furniture (tables, chairs, stools etc) , where i can get discounted bulk food items etc...I really think that this could be a HUGE success....now, i just have to figure out the name that i want....I'm bouncing a few around in my head but i really cant think of which one would be better. I dont know...
So, as of this moment in time, i was thinking about how much that ive done in my life...Ive had five kids, been married three times, divorced and widowed, bought my own first (basically) Brand new vehicle that's 100% ALL MINE, paid in CASH ( that i still have much to the chagrin of my piece of shit brother *mumble mumble groan groan*another topic* mumble mumble), have taken care of my three youngest children on my own basically for the last 4 YEARS since their Daddy died...Not to mention the fact that i have a certificate in Interior Design, am a certified (expired but still) to be an Animal Control Officer in New Jersey, I currently have my cosmetology license here in Rhode Island, enlisted (then was dropped) in the Army, now im going to be going to Bartending school and hopefully will be getting a job soon after. Ive already started jotting down bars that I think i want to work in...As soon as i start school ( which is only one week) i will start calling them and asking if they are hiring bartenders. Two of them are strip clubs...in my opinion, i can make alot of money without having to take my clothes off. I like that idea. I also have a few others in mind....Dave and Busters cause i like the atmosphere and it looks fun....Fire and Ice which is a cool ass restaurant that ive eaten at...RiRa which is an Irish resturant that i frequented...and a few others that i have jotted down in my planner. Ill be looking for all of their numbers as soon as I start school to call and inquire for positions. I'm excited.
Maybe one day if my bar does well, ill open a beauty shop too...who knows what the future has in store for me. I just know that whatever happens, what evers in my future, i'm gonna ride it like the roller-coaster it always is...
be well!
Yes thats right, I said, MY BAR...I want to open my own bar. After consulting my Tarot Cards and my Well Worn Path cards and meditating, i have really come to the conclusion that I really want to open a bar. Not so much the salon that I was thinking about because honestly, maybe some day, but at the moment, I really just don't want the hassle. Opening a salon is a HUUUUUUUUGE deal. It really is. And the salon I would want to open would be a combination of my two loves....a tattoo shop/beauty salon. That would be even extra hassle because you need special equipment for those....chairs for both sides, tables, sinks sterilization equipment yada yada....it can get to be nuts.
A bar....just buy liquor, tables, chairs, stools, glasses etc...get a liquor license...and if i get one with a kitchen built in it already, thatll make it even better.....I know its going to be a struggle to get it off the ground but with what I have in mind, its going to be a huge success...Plus, since I've been living on pennies for the last several years, I know how to cut costs and budget where it needs to be budgetted. I know where i can get cheap(er) cash registers, i know where i can get furniture (tables, chairs, stools etc) , where i can get discounted bulk food items etc...I really think that this could be a HUGE success....now, i just have to figure out the name that i want....I'm bouncing a few around in my head but i really cant think of which one would be better. I dont know...
So, as of this moment in time, i was thinking about how much that ive done in my life...Ive had five kids, been married three times, divorced and widowed, bought my own first (basically) Brand new vehicle that's 100% ALL MINE, paid in CASH ( that i still have much to the chagrin of my piece of shit brother *mumble mumble groan groan*another topic* mumble mumble), have taken care of my three youngest children on my own basically for the last 4 YEARS since their Daddy died...Not to mention the fact that i have a certificate in Interior Design, am a certified (expired but still) to be an Animal Control Officer in New Jersey, I currently have my cosmetology license here in Rhode Island, enlisted (then was dropped) in the Army, now im going to be going to Bartending school and hopefully will be getting a job soon after. Ive already started jotting down bars that I think i want to work in...As soon as i start school ( which is only one week) i will start calling them and asking if they are hiring bartenders. Two of them are strip clubs...in my opinion, i can make alot of money without having to take my clothes off. I like that idea. I also have a few others in mind....Dave and Busters cause i like the atmosphere and it looks fun....Fire and Ice which is a cool ass restaurant that ive eaten at...RiRa which is an Irish resturant that i frequented...and a few others that i have jotted down in my planner. Ill be looking for all of their numbers as soon as I start school to call and inquire for positions. I'm excited.
Maybe one day if my bar does well, ill open a beauty shop too...who knows what the future has in store for me. I just know that whatever happens, what evers in my future, i'm gonna ride it like the roller-coaster it always is...
be well!
December 25, 2009
Completely at Peace
so, the past few weeks has been a little nutty ultimately ending this past tuesday ( 12-22) when my recruiter called me and told me that they had to drop me and that my enlistment is off. I was devastated and i cant even begin the thoughts and stuff that went through my mind, my heart....my emotions.
But, today, since its christmas and i dont celebrate the day and the girls aren't here until the second of january, i figured i would consult the tarot cards and my well worn path cards. I honestly am at peace with the answers theyve given me. While i was ecstatic about leaving and being able to move and whatnot but apparently im not supposed to do that. Apparently, from what the tarot says, I'm to open a business....what KIND of business is beyond me but whatever they have in store for me, i will gladly accept with humble peace.
But, today, since its christmas and i dont celebrate the day and the girls aren't here until the second of january, i figured i would consult the tarot cards and my well worn path cards. I honestly am at peace with the answers theyve given me. While i was ecstatic about leaving and being able to move and whatnot but apparently im not supposed to do that. Apparently, from what the tarot says, I'm to open a business....what KIND of business is beyond me but whatever they have in store for me, i will gladly accept with humble peace.
December 17, 2009
Life...
So, today as I'm sitting here thinking about the last few years, it dawns on me that my heart has become jaded and I've become what ive wanted to avoid....cold....bitchy....jaded almost. So, I make the vow today, as of December 17th 2009 that I will become the kind hearted loving caring woman that I was before. I dont like being cold, or a bitch. I have been looking at my affirmations everyday but some how they dont seem to be working. I need to start meditating hard core again. Im not cold towards my kids at all or towards my husband but towards other people. And I dont know why or how it happened. I know alot has happened since Cameron passed away but that doesnt mean that I should become this cold hearted bitch. I dont like it and its not me.
So, I make this vow that i will become the person that I was before...loving, kind hearted and caring towards other people. Im going to try to "pay it forward" and be nice but not a push over or naive.
So, I make this vow that i will become the person that I was before...loving, kind hearted and caring towards other people. Im going to try to "pay it forward" and be nice but not a push over or naive.
November 09, 2009
My chilren and their homeschooling...
So, this evening as i was getting stuff together for the rest of the weeks homeschooling for my two older girls, I took a peek into their sketch books that I allow them to draw and color in when theyve finished their work. Let me just say that I almost cried happy tears when I flipped through the pages...ALL of the pages had blues, greens, yellows, reds...flowers, butterflies, rainbows, birds...and many of the pictures they drew were of me and them doing things together....seperately of course, done on several separate occasions independently of each other. They drew happy smiling faces on every single page, every single sketch, drawing, stick figure etc that they had drawn. This gives me such validation that my girls are truly, wonderfully, outstandingly happy. And it makes me realize that I am raising them to be the happy little girls that I so long for them to be.
Its always been my hearts desire to have them grow up happy and glad to be alive and not afraid of anything...unlike the not so happy light that I grew up, with terrible abuse, neglect and emotional trauma. I was never loved on, never hugged or kissed unless it was in front of the rest of my family to put on airs...I always dreaded being home because it was terrible...One example that I can clearly remember was being at school at lunch...As I saw my friends at school eating lovingly packed home lunches, I would rifle through my bag for the couple of dollars my mother would throw at me in the mornings because she didnt care enough to get out of bed to make my lunch like every one elses mother so that I could choose something to eat from the cafeteria food...I dont want my girls to grow up like that so i make it a point to love on them, constantly and consistently tell them I love them on an hourly basis, play with them, show them i am GLAD and HAPPY to be their mother.
Which is why I was so happy and excited to see their artwork...it validates that Im doing something right.
And if you ask them "do you think your mommy is a good Mommy?" and theyll say with voices loud and proud a resounding "YES!!!" They are constantly telling me how much they love me, miss me ( even when Im sitting in the same room with them) and are always running out from where ever they may be to hug and kiss and love on me...I call it "fly by loving" :)
I must be doing something right. :)
Its always been my hearts desire to have them grow up happy and glad to be alive and not afraid of anything...unlike the not so happy light that I grew up, with terrible abuse, neglect and emotional trauma. I was never loved on, never hugged or kissed unless it was in front of the rest of my family to put on airs...I always dreaded being home because it was terrible...One example that I can clearly remember was being at school at lunch...As I saw my friends at school eating lovingly packed home lunches, I would rifle through my bag for the couple of dollars my mother would throw at me in the mornings because she didnt care enough to get out of bed to make my lunch like every one elses mother so that I could choose something to eat from the cafeteria food...I dont want my girls to grow up like that so i make it a point to love on them, constantly and consistently tell them I love them on an hourly basis, play with them, show them i am GLAD and HAPPY to be their mother.
Which is why I was so happy and excited to see their artwork...it validates that Im doing something right.
And if you ask them "do you think your mommy is a good Mommy?" and theyll say with voices loud and proud a resounding "YES!!!" They are constantly telling me how much they love me, miss me ( even when Im sitting in the same room with them) and are always running out from where ever they may be to hug and kiss and love on me...I call it "fly by loving" :)
I must be doing something right. :)
November 08, 2009
November 8, 2009 Entry
As I sit in my living-room waiting for the clock to tick closer to 2000 hours, the time my children go to bed, I watch candles that I lit in a protection spell burn down to nothing. There has been a lot of chaos and nuttiness here in the Champion-Palmer-Wagner house hold. So much so that I decided to use my Black Destroyer Oil across my front front door, my top step and the door that comes into my apartment, burn two red candles doused in it and two John the conqueror incense sticks. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this will work and the protection bubble that i have cast around this house will be impermeable to evil and negative energy.
That being said, I have 85 days until I ship for Basic Combat Training in Ft Sill, OK...Im reading about myths and folklore and in one of them it says this:
"When leaving to go on a journey, if your right foot itches you're bound to have a good journey. If your left foot itches it will end in sorrow."
Guess that means that my whole journey and experience will be good. Which, I know full well that it will. I have faith in myself and KNOW that I will be an excellent soldier. I can not wait to wear that uniform. In my heart i honestly can say that I feel like I belong there. I had some future soldier stuff to do yesterday (Saturday November 7) and the whole time I was where the function was, I felt at complete peace. I felt calm...and I wasn't nervous in the slightest.........and one word that I can honestly say...............................FINALLY.
That being said, I have 85 days until I ship for Basic Combat Training in Ft Sill, OK...Im reading about myths and folklore and in one of them it says this:
"When leaving to go on a journey, if your right foot itches you're bound to have a good journey. If your left foot itches it will end in sorrow."
Guess that means that my whole journey and experience will be good. Which, I know full well that it will. I have faith in myself and KNOW that I will be an excellent soldier. I can not wait to wear that uniform. In my heart i honestly can say that I feel like I belong there. I had some future soldier stuff to do yesterday (Saturday November 7) and the whole time I was where the function was, I felt at complete peace. I felt calm...and I wasn't nervous in the slightest.........and one word that I can honestly say...............................FINALLY.
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